I do really need to stop now

[1038947]

I have been very inactive on this forum until now. The reason is that I begun to inject my Ritalin to get a kick, but the kick suddenly wasn't there anymore and I felt I needed stimulants to be able to focus. So I begun with research chemicals. At this point I've done both 4-FMA and 6-APB in the course of 4 days. Since I don't get any effect of the Ritalin anymore, today I took both doses orally, I have a HUGHE craving for stimulants preferably amphetamines. With amphetamines I can focus much better, sitting still is no problem and so on. But when the 6-APB wore off some hours ago and I wasnät able to redose anymore I just felt totally empty with the feeling that I really should buy amphetamine.

At date I live in a place where you shouldn't use drugs at the home, but I've been IVing both Ritalin and the two above mentioned substances here. Now I know that if this is found out - I'll surely be kicked out. I have marks all over my arms and I have to hide them. When I was in bed recently just thinking about my situation I fully understood what I should do: I should stop with this before it gets out of hand and I smuggle in 'real' amphetamine and IV it. I've done so many mistakes here and me living here is at a HUGHE risk if this is found out.

Thus I have two options: become a street junkie for some days until the social service can find a new housing for me, or simply quit this path I'm on right now. The problem with the latter which really do is what I SHOULD do is that since the Ritalin don't work anymore I cannot control my impulsiviness, and I know if I don't have some sort of stimulant I will take amphetamine.

Sure, I'm not so stupid that I don't blame myself for this mess. But I understand that I do need to stop right now.

Any ideas would be gold worth for me, experienced Blue-Lighters. I have brought this upon myself and I don't expect you to solve it, but I do need some help and I cannot turn to someone else.

Greetings from Sweden and a dude who can't sleep.

 

[XTCAKE]

You aren't LITERALLY considering becoming a street junkie, are you? That's not smart. I bet you're smarter than that. Living in dumpsters BLOWS, man.
Are you drug tested where you're at? It sounds like you and I live in a similar type house situation (I am in a sober living house).
You should feel so thankful to be housed somewhere safe. You're SO lucky that you've been able to stay there, even though you're constantly breaking the rules that you're supposed to follow.

SO, SO, SOOOO (!) many people would LOVE to be in a safe, sober house. Think of those who are unemployed, homeless, addicted, and want so bad to be sober, but they just can't; they can't do it because they just feel compelled to use because of their shitty life situation. You are so lucky. Think about it.
If you really think it is "worth it" to be a "street junkie" just so you can have your beloved drug, you'll be wishing you were in a safe house when you're living the gutter life (been there and wouldn't wish it upon anyone).

 

[herbavore]

Is there anyone that you can ask for help with this in your life? It sounds to me like you may still live with your family but I can't be sure from your post. Do you think hiding it is better than letting someone in on how much trouble you are having resisting? If you cannot turn to anyone in your family is there anyone else that you trust that you could share this information with?

Sometimes our anticipation of a person's reaction is far worse than the reality proves to be. Often families already know more than they think they do. People generally want to help someone that wants help themselves. I hope that you can find someone that you trust to confide the entire extent of your problem. Don't waste time blaming yourself; that will only lock you further into this cycle. You need the support of someone that can help you figure out what to do to help you now before you go any further. You must feel very isolated trying to deal with this alone--it was great that you reached out.

 

[Dave]

Well, you already know that you need to quit, it's more the how to quit that you're asking about, yes?

Normally, I'd advise doing a taper, but since your living arrangement may be at risk that may not be the best idea. Cold turkey often is set up for failure though... have you checked out our amphetamines mega-thread? That class of drugs is a bit beyond my ken, but there is heaps of good advice there.

 

[1038947]

No, I'm absolutely not considering becoming a street junkie. The thing is that in my situation the alternatives are quite simple: being thrown out or couping with this situation. I am drug tested once I've been away from the home for a day or so if I've gone to my home town or something like that, but it's been negative on everything for about 5 months with the exception of bensodiazepines which I got when I was admitted.

I hear what you're saying and I do realize that I should be careful with this housing and not breaking the rules to the point where suspicion arise. Right now they cannot prove I've been on amphetamine derivates since 6-APB and 4-FMA don't show on the simple drug tests they have here.

The first thing I did this morning when I woke up was to gather ALL the syringes, zip bags and other drug parafernalia and threw it in the garbage. At least I can't IV now. Next step is to talk about them regarding my cravings for amphetamines. I might be able to meet with my psychiatrist today.

 

[1038947]

herbavore,

I have a person which I talks to openly and I'm going to tell her about it. She will bitch about this but she doesn't tell the others what my situation is like and she does have a former amphetamine dependancy. Next time I meet her I'm going to be straight with this and honest, not just joking "ahh, I really need amphetamine".

 

[1038947]

Right now I'm waiting to be interrogated by the police. They said yesterday they're coming about this time today. A bit nervous. I commited a lot of crimes when I was fully into stimulants, mostly wierd pointless crimes, and now my past is catching up with me. I hope it goes well.

 

[blahman8000]

Dude, your amphetamine use has obviously gotten out of control. Trust me, I have been there. I was snorting Adderall constantly for several months, and ended up in a hospital bed with a borderline deadly heart rate. You're gonna just have to take my word on this, but you can recover from this, and once you've been sober for a couple weeks, you won't want to touch that shit again. You might get cravings anyway, but that deep down need to stay away from it will be more obvious than ever, since you won't have had the drug manipulating you to keep using.

Let me put it to you this way. After the stimulant use that I put myself through, my body doesn't even process stimulants the same way. I can't even have a few sips of coffee without feeling like I'm literally going to die. My body goes into overdrive, beyond any explanation. My heart rate becomes jacked, I shake, I have panic attacks, etc. With Adderall or Ritalin or anything like that, I'm positive I'd end up in the hospital again, and possibly have a heart attack. It sounds like you might not be at that point yet. If you keep using, it only gets worse from here. Yeah, the cravings and withdrawals are a bitch. They'll feel intolerable. And a lot of times, you're gonna want to say, "FUCK IT, I need a dose." But you can either perpetuate this cycle which is clearly destroying you, or you can experience a few days of hell and walk away from it alive and sane.

If the cops are looking for you, they'll eventually find you. And when you're getting high by injecting Ritalin, you're no longer yourself. Detoxing in prison doesn't sound like a picnic, so if stimulants are causing you to commit senseless crimes, then that's all the more reason to stop using completely.

 

[herbavore]

I wish you the best of luck today with the police. Sometimes when they know someone is seeking help for their drug problems it goes better. I really hope that you get the help you so obviously want and do deserve. Keep us posted.

 

[1038947]

I can see where your getting at. I should notice that the police are not looking for me, they wanted to question me further regarding older crimes. They arrived as they said they would and I spoke to them and now I can clearly see where my abuse have taken me due to all the charges I've amassed. Abstinence from amphetamines have also led to aggressions towards others resulting in new arrests.

Just thinking of all the things I've been through with stimulants clearly give me the idea that for me it's important to be totally sober without any exceptions. However it's very easy to say this and another thing doing it. I have begun to think I am somewhat stupid or retarded given how I recklessly drug myself beyond the point of sanity just to get a kick or a rush.

I really do believe the most important task for me now is finding more rewarding interests than drugs. I'm trying to read, listening to music not related to drugs and reading about other stuff than research chemicals and drug related articles. To ensure that this will work I have been very selective on internet as well regarding forums and so on.

Going back to the book now. Reading is meditation for me. Even though I have a hard time focus without amphetamines...