I did a stupid stupid thing

[carrion Doll]

Hello, long time lurker, occasional poster.

I started IVing molly one night just to get through opiate wd's. Well that turned into almost daily use for the better part of two weeks. Most of the time to stave off wd's and get my tolerance down to get ready to get off opi's altogether. Well it worked for that. But I also kept using because I liked that rush.

I knew the damage I was doing. I guess I thought it would not be that bad. Well it is. It's not just serotonin syndrome, it's depression from wd's, it's my relationship in a bad place, my life in a bad place. I relapsed at the end of January after over a year off opiates. I used subs then kratom and did very well using the kratom at low doses for maintenance purposes.

Well anyways the point is I fucked up in so many ways and now I am so depressed and having an awful time handling it. I don't really have a question, just needed to say it to someone I guess. I don't have anyone who is close to me who gives enough of a fuck to even tell. I'm just lonely and sad and can't see a way out.

 

[missmeyet?]

Hey there....this is gonna sound corny, but oh well-everyday is a fresh, new start. And if you feel like you are at your lowest just remember , you can only go up. So you messed up, it sucks and is very frustrating but do you know any opiate/opioid user that doesn't relapse somewhere along the way?

As far as the other things that aren't going so well, make some changes if need be. Either change the situation or work on you. Giving up should never be an option. It will get better. Things could definitely be worse so think of all you have to be thankful for and appreciate it. I mean, you are obviously not in jail-that's a good thing...see, it could be worse. And as long as you still draw breath you have an opportunity to work on things, make things better. People do care, even if we aren't all friends in real life, honestly, BL is a community that to me feels just like a big family.

Feel free to message me or reply here. Seems kind of quiet here tonight but I will be around for a bit.

Plus, it says you are in Florida. That's a plus. I'm from florida and just moved about a year ago to a God forsaken place where I don't know a soul and am experiencing big time culture shock!. I miss the beach, this is a landlocked state!

 

[Black Rabbit of Inle]

Hey carrion,

I may have missed it, but are you still IV'ing molly? The depression from a molly comedown can make it feel like everything is a million times worse than it is.

Relapsing is a part of the recovery process, everyone goes through it and everyone thinks that they've failed because of it. The trick is to realize that just because you used once, does not mean you have to continue using. Use it as a learning experience, to remind you why you got off the drug in the first place (I'm willing to bet that using again didn't feel as good as you thought it would).

missy is right, everyday is a clean slate, no matter what happened the day before. The past remains in the past and you decide the direction tomorrow will take.

Feel free to PM and chat anytime.

Seems kind of quiet here tonight but I will be around for a bit.

For me, because of the timezone differences, barely anything happens on BL while I'm awake.

 

[carrion Doll]

ty both of you. ad yes, jail is definitely worse. haven't had molly in two days and will not touch it again for awhile and certainly will not be IVing it. i am trying to keep in kind that alot of this is probably from the molly and will subside making things a whole lot easier. as far as the relapse, i am finally sarting to see a little light at the end of the tunnel on that one. i have weaned back alot on the opiates and have not really wanted to do anything but keep weaning til i am done. i have finally gotten to a point where the wd's are bareable. never had that and i am proud of that small accomplishment and i think i can get off this time without having to take subs or even kratom. that's actually a big deal for me. and i do know relapse is necessary, it is more the damage i caused financially that is troubling. but come to think of it, it's not worse than where i was when i originally got clean. and giving up is definitely not an option. i have 4 children that i could never do that to. i just feel so sad right now and so alone. i know logically, it will pass, but at this very moment it seems so bleak and i really want to give up.
ty for the kinds words and advice, even tho i know alot of these things it does help to be reminded that they are indeed true.

i hate Florida myself but i would miss the beach alot.

i am starting to work on things, it's just a long way back from hell,heh.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

Hello carrion. I’m long time lurker too, but you have inspired me to write this occasional post.

I don’t really know enough about you or your life to make any judgements, but I’d still like to give you my view on some of the things you said in the post… maybe it will help.

First what struck me is that, in some way, you have succeeded in doing exactly what you wanted to do. You are a long-time opiate user – that sucks – but you are also currently – if I’ve understood right – off the opiates and have been for over two weeks. You said you took the molly to get through the withdrawals and in a way, you did, right? The WD can’t be nearly as bad now as they were two weeks ago. OK, so the obvious problem here is that you replaced it with another drug, which is hardly ideal. But if I had to choose between a molly problem or an opiate problem, it’s molly all the way man.

Yes, right now you feel like shit, but that’s a completely normal reaction to coming off MDMA – and coming off two weeks’ worth must be absolute murder. The point is that your mood can only get better – without the accompanying dangers of WD from opiates, which you have already put behind you.

What guess I’m trying to say is simply this: well done. You have accomplished the thing you wanted to do originally. You may have screwed up something else, but it is a smaller and less harmful mistake than the thing you set right. You might not appreciate that fact properly at the moment because your mood is artificially lower than it should be, due to leaving Molly. But as far as this objective observer can see, that’s the way it is.

Good luck, keep us posted.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That's a really foreboding story you shared with us. I'll be sure not to make the same mistake, and best of luck in your recovery.

 

[mareseatoats]

Carrion- If you really think you have serotonin syndrome-that can be dangerous so I hear. If you are feeling so bad, are you able to see a doctor? They might be of some help, to get you feeling better, stable; you know back on your feet.

Sorry for the so obvious response-just felt the need to hand out a helpful thought to you.

Look around for some new places where you can have fun/meet people. Sometimes finding new friends can be work, but all worth it as well. Bowling? Skating? Pottery Class? Zumba?? AA? NA? Lots of potential fun and/or friends in these kinds of places. Even a part-time job could open the doors to a BFF!

Feel better soon-I wish you all the best! %)

 

[aliencowstorm]

Welcome to the club, carrion Doll. Getting clean hurts. Staying clean feels great though. I can't imagine taking mdma more than once in a two week span let alone daily?

I would suggest seeing a doctor and if you're willing, try going to some sort of 12 step meeting. Believe it or not, there are people just like you that work to a common goal which is staying clean.