I desperately need your help.

[lolitaofott]

I am addicted to opiates.

I have been using for 6 months and only for the past two months have I been using regularly. I do not drink nor do I smoke weed or cigarettes. I am simply obsessed with opiates. I have been chewing the pills, realizing that intra-nasal usage has a lower BA.

As you can see, I haven't been using for long, but I am so desperate to get better. I can't stop cold turkey, I have tried over 4 times now in the past two months and I can never get past day three (with clonidine).

I am (was) a straight A university student. I received two Bs, and one -A on my midterms. This is really unlike me and I know that my grades will lower as I go on obsessing about using. I can only think about using and even when I'm high, I think about how I could be even more intoxicated.

I had to drop a class (three classes, as I mentioned above). I'm now a part-time student, giving me more time to work. I now have more money to buy drugs... how convenient...

I am high from morning until night.

I don't know how to break the cycle. I decided to do something that I TRULY need YOUR advice on. I am one week and a half from starting the METHADONE treatment. Remember that I have only been using regularly for two months. I am planning on taking methadone for a month until I am ready to taper my dose (is this even possible?). My doctor advised me that careful tapering results in no withdrawal symptoms (true or false?).

My therapist said that even though my physical addiction is not as "bad" as an opiate addict's who has been using for several years, he is pushing me to get treatment so that I can kill the demon before it becomes to powerful to control.

I had a dream last night that I started methadone and gained 15 pounds (I need to stay thin for my job), broke out in boils and was not able to get off for another 10 yrs.

I need somebody's advice, because my psychiatrist is not specialized in addiction. I am going to see a counselor at the methadone treatment center, but this is only if I DECIDE to receive the treatment.

My boyfriend says that I am not addicted enough to start methadone (there are no subuxone (sp?) treatment centers where I reside). He says that my withdrawal symptoms are not serious enough (I should suck it up). However, I am already depressed/anxious as it is and when I'm trying to get clean, my mental issues worsen tenfold! I feel like I am going to feel sick FOREVER and that I will be tired for the rest of my life.

I am so sorry for this long post, but I am desperate, guilty and so disappointed in myself. I cry often, thinking how I've ruined my life and how I will never succeed in school. I have dreams of going to graduate school (in a university that I have been dreaming about since I was very young), but I'm already fucking up my grades and dropping classes.

I'm not looking for pity... just somebody who can reveal to me the bitter truth.

I also apologize if I seem like a whiny baby who can't handle his/her shit. In reality, I can't handle my shit and I am definitely predisposed to overreacting... I am working on that... it's definitely a part of the problem.

 

[caltrain208]

Hi there. This sounds quite similar to my own experience. Not long ago I decided I didn't want to live any more and made many half-assed attempts at my life. I didn't have the courage to take my life properly or the certainty that suicide was the answer; I couldn't stand to be alive in my circumstances, yet I didn't want to die, I just wanted some way out. As my misery and desperation grew, suicide sounded better and better, until I attempted to OD on respiratory depressants.

As for the bitter truth, as I see it: you can't "kill the demon before it becomes too powerful to control," because you're already unable to stop on your own. Luckily, the demon can always be killed, with outside help. I don't think methadone would do anything but further your addiction at this point, in fact many find themselves staying on it for many years, using other drugs in the meantime to fill that emptiness inside.

To share my story briefly: Grew up feeling different from everyone else, empty inside, like everyone else knew what they were doing in life and I had somehow missed the instructions. Things really got out of hand when I left for college, my fear that I wasn't good enough became overwhelming- I had no idea how to live life or what I wanted to do. At 18 years old I tried drugs for my first time and found relief, if only for a little while. The bullshit going on in my head at 11 quieted down to a 5, and I didn't feel so bad about my inability to deal with life. Everything was alright. As time passed, nothing seemed to fill the void in my life quite like drugs/alcohol. Getting loaded soon became my only focus- after all, I had somehow been born without the tools to enjoy and live life as others had. Very quickly, however, my focus on drugs/alcohol became a problem, and I was fucked. Drugs were my solution to the way I felt and part of the problem, growing more by the day, to my inability deal with my problems. I couldn't focus on school anymore, hobbies, work, relationships, or anything for that matter. I was desperately lonely and nothing seemed to fix it, drugs had ceased to work as they once had. I moved home with my parents, broken and beaten, and when I had finally run out of drugs, alcohol, and money, I was ready to ask for help (I was also physically dependent on benzodiazipines and alcohol and needed an out).

I had to get rid of my solution, just for a little while, and things got really tough. I became painfully aware of how fucked up my life was and didn't know what to do. Thankfully, I met people who had been through the same situation I was in and had learned how to face life happily, finding solutions to their problems. I took some solutions, and I no longer feel worthless. I don't always know what I'm doing, but I have complete confidence that so long as I keep trying everything will be alright. After all, it has been so far. I've learned to get over many of my biggest fears- public speaking and meeting new people, especially women. Everything is alright now. I can tell you, with complete confidence, that the steps I took to learn how to deal with my life and my problems can be taken by anyone who is absolutely hopeless and willing to go to any lengths. Hang in there, there is a solution. It gets better if you're ready to do the work.

 

[izzy66]

the bitter truth? i think you're intelligent and perceptive enough to know what road you're going down.
you are fucking up school already and if you don't get a grip, you're likely to fuck up your future and your life won't be anything like you've dreamed and worked for in school.
methadone will only continue your nightmare. i think deep down you already know that.

stop thinking, saying, and believing that you CAN'T.
YOU CAN.

so the bitter truth...
you can't have your dreams and your habit too.
choose one.

i wish you the very best of luck.
-izzy

 

[ratgirldjh]

you could do a taper yourself if you can stick to it.

also if you go on methadone you can take it for 11 days and then stop. if you stop on the 11th day you should not have any w/d from either the methadone or the opiate you were on (pods are different). i have done this for H many times and it worked great. there is a window of time between when the w/d from opiates like H stop and addiction to methadone which takes between 11 and 14 days.

this is why methadone used to be used as a sort of 'weekend' detox for people on H.

but the maintenance may be a better option if you do not think that you can stay away from the opiates.

just know in advance - if you decided to go on methadone and stay on it is very hard to get off of. even when you go down to a very small dose slowly you will still get w/d and it lasts for a long time.

it is much easier IMO to just taper on what you have now.

you can do it.
good luck.

 

[BrokedownPalace]

I would seriously re-consider getting on methadone. I am not trying to downplay or minimize your habit or anything, but honestly it is on the small side. Methadone is so fucking hard to kick and the w/d is 4 times as long as oxy/heroin. I have been on mmt for over a year now and am going to attempt to kick next week.

It is a great drug in the fact tthat it gets you off of shooting dope, but it is very strong an dyour tolerance ends up being higher than it was when you started, and getting off is pure hell. I regret getting on it. Seriously.

I would suggest a suboxone taper, or even just taper with your oxy.. have someone dole out the pills for you, lowering your dose eveery day or two. Your habit is pretty small, and you shouldn't have horrible withdrawal. It won't be aparty, but you're not gonna kll yourself. There are plenty of threads on withdrawal in Other Drugs.

Stock up on comfort meds, it seriously makes the whole w/d so much easier.

Loperamide(immodium) actually an opiate that can't cross the blood brain barrier. Really helps with GI problems and in high doses helps other withdrawl symptoms/

Benzos are a must, you mustknow where to get some if you can get pills. A long acting one like valium or klonopin is better than xanax in my opinion. They help with the anxiety, tenseness, depression, and especially SLEEP.

Diphenhydramine (benadryl) also can makeyou drowsy, and can help with the histamine reactions like tearing eyes, runny nose, etc.

There is no free way out, but you can take steps to make it bearable. Whatever route you choose, I wish you luck,and feel free to PM me if you have questions/want to talk. I am going to be going through withdrawal next week too.

Mike

 

[SativaSyborg]

Don't do it!

Do not, I repeat, do not, start a methadone "treatment"...'Cause if you think that you liked the opiates you're currently abusing, then there is NO WAY IN HELL that you will ever stop going to the clinic....unless it becomes more convenient to obtain your "dose" on the street....which is where I currently am...I started out similarly to the way you did. On the weekends at first (only once mind you), then I'd allow myself to get high twice a week, then i used as a stress reliever and so on and so forth...we all know where that leads....So here i am today, reliant on a daily dose of 100mg of methadone (that's ten, 10mg pills) at least once a day...I don't get high from it anymore, or feel a warm rush, i just feel "normal".....but if i could go back to the glory days ("honey moon period") of when i first started using methadone 4years ago i would do it in a second, nothing can compare to the absolute BLISS i experienced before becoming dependent...everyone Ive talked to, heroin addicts and pilfers alike all agree that methadone is by far the worst with draw on the fucking planet because it has a longer half-life, which means although it may take longer to feel withdraw symptoms, the withdrawal seems never ending....found that out a little to late....sometime i fantasize about what the freedom of not being dependent would feel like, but that often leads to me feeling depressed about my situation, which i cope with by taking a dose....

speaking of which, it's about that time....

 

[Javida]

Take Heed

the bitter truth? i think you're intelligent and perceptive enough to know what road you're going down.
you are fucking up school already and if you don't get a grip, you're likely to fuck up your future and your life won't be anything like you've dreamed and worked for in school.
methadone will only continue your nightmare. i think deep down you already know that.

stop thinking, saying, and believing that you CAN'T.
YOU CAN.

so the bitter truth...
you can't have your dreams and your habit too.
choose one.

i wish you the very best of luck.
-izzy

Love your straightforward honesty!

Do not, I repeat, do not, start a methadone "treatment"...'Cause if you think that you liked the opiates you're currently abusing, then there is NO WAY IN HELL that you will ever stop going to the clinic....unless it becomes more convenient to obtain your "dose" on the street....which is where I currently am......

These two said it all!!!

Good luck

 

[muvolution]

Just taper down with whatever opiate you are using.
I basically second BrokedownPalace's advice.

 

[lolitaofott]

Hi there. This sounds quite similar to my own experience. Not long ago I decided I didn't want to live any more and made many half-assed attempts at my life. I didn't have the courage to take my life properly or the certainty that suicide was the answer; I couldn't stand to be alive in my circumstances, yet I didn't want to die, I just wanted some way out. As my misery and desperation grew, suicide sounded better and better, until I attempted to OD on respiratory depressants.

As for the bitter truth, as I see it: you can't "kill the demon before it becomes too powerful to control," because you're already unable to stop on your own. Luckily, the demon can always be killed, with outside help. I don't think methadone would do anything but further your addiction at this point, in fact many find themselves staying on it for many years, using other drugs in the meantime to fill that emptiness inside.

To share my story briefly: Grew up feeling different from everyone else, empty inside, like everyone else knew what they were doing in life and I had somehow missed the instructions. Things really got out of hand when I left for college, my fear that I wasn't good enough became overwhelming- I had no idea how to live life or what I wanted to do. At 18 years old I tried drugs for my first time and found relief, if only for a little while. The bullshit going on in my head at 11 quieted down to a 5, and I didn't feel so bad about my inability to deal with life. Everything was alright. As time passed, nothing seemed to fill the void in my life quite like drugs/alcohol. Getting loaded soon became my only focus- after all, I had somehow been born without the tools to enjoy and live life as others had. Very quickly, however, my focus on drugs/alcohol became a problem, and I was fucked. Drugs were my solution to the way I felt and part of the problem, growing more by the day, to my inability deal with my problems. I couldn't focus on school anymore, hobbies, work, relationships, or anything for that matter. I was desperately lonely and nothing seemed to fix it, drugs had ceased to work as they once had. I moved home with my parents, broken and beaten, and when I had finally run out of drugs, alcohol, and money, I was ready to ask for help (I was also physically dependent on benzodiazipines and alcohol and needed an out).

I had to get rid of my solution, just for a little while, and things got really tough. I became painfully aware of how fucked up my life was and didn't know what to do. Thankfully, I met people who had been through the same situation I was in and had learned how to face life happily, finding solutions to their problems. I took some solutions, and I no longer feel worthless. I don't always know what I'm doing, but I have complete confidence that so long as I keep trying everything will be alright. After all, it has been so far. I've learned to get over many of my biggest fears- public speaking and meeting new people, especially women. Everything is alright now. I can tell you, with complete confidence, that the steps I took to learn how to deal with my life and my problems can be taken by anyone who is absolutely hopeless and willing to go to any lengths. Hang in there, there is a solution. It gets better if you're ready to do the work.

Caltrain, I relate to your story... and that connection, even if it's online, makes me feel a little less isolated. I was really worried people were going to insult me and call me weak for posting about my problems. Thanks so much.

 

[lolitaofott]

the bitter truth? i think you're intelligent and perceptive enough to know what road you're going down.
you are fucking up school already and if you don't get a grip, you're likely to fuck up your future and your life won't be anything like you've dreamed and worked for in school.
methadone will only continue your nightmare. i think deep down you already know that.

stop thinking, saying, and believing that you CAN'T.
YOU CAN.

so the bitter truth...
you can't have your dreams and your habit too.
choose one.

i wish you the very best of luck.
-izzy

Izzy, I'm impressed that you were able to force me to see that I'm always trying to take the easier path in life. In the end, however, following my dreams will be so much more satisfying.

I think that everyone agrees on the pointlessness of methadone (at least in a case like mine). I'm going to find a healthier way of stopping.

Thanks.

 

[lolitaofott]

you could do a taper yourself if you can stick to it.

also if you go on methadone you can take it for 11 days and then stop. if you stop on the 11th day you should not have any w/d from either the methadone or the opiate you were on (pods are different). i have done this for H many times and it worked great. there is a window of time between when the w/d from opiates like H stop and addiction to methadone which takes between 11 and 14 days.

this is why methadone used to be used as a sort of 'weekend' detox for people on H.

but the maintenance may be a better option if you do not think that you can stay away from the opiates.

just know in advance - if you decided to go on methadone and stay on it is very hard to get off of. even when you go down to a very small dose slowly you will still get w/d and it lasts for a long time.

it is much easier IMO to just taper on what you have now.

you can do it.
good luck.

Thanks for the words of encouragement!!! I don't know why my doctor would say that there are absolutely NO withdrawals, since everyone has experienced them when getting off methadone. It's almost like she didn't want to discourage me.

If you could tell me more about the 11 day methadone treatment that would be great. Would your method still work for oxycontin?

I'm trying to consider all my options.

 

[lolitaofott]

I would seriously re-consider getting on methadone. I am not trying to downplay or minimize your habit or anything, but honestly it is on the small side. Methadone is so fucking hard to kick and the w/d is 4 times as long as oxy/heroin. I have been on mmt for over a year now and am going to attempt to kick next week.

It is a great drug in the fact tthat it gets you off of shooting dope, but it is very strong an dyour tolerance ends up being higher than it was when you started, and getting off is pure hell. I regret getting on it. Seriously.

I would suggest a suboxone taper, or even just taper with your oxy.. have someone dole out the pills for you, lowering your dose eveery day or two. Your habit is pretty small, and you shouldn't have horrible withdrawal. It won't be aparty, but you're not gonna kll yourself. There are plenty of threads on withdrawal in Other Drugs.

Stock up on comfort meds, it seriously makes the whole w/d so much easier.

Loperamide(immodium) actually an opiate that can't cross the blood brain barrier. Really helps with GI problems and in high doses helps other withdrawl symptoms/

Benzos are a must, you mustknow where to get some if you can get pills. A long acting one like valium or klonopin is better than xanax in my opinion. They help with the anxiety, tenseness, depression, and especially SLEEP.

Diphenhydramine (benadryl) also can makeyou drowsy, and can help with the histamine reactions like tearing eyes, runny nose, etc.

There is no free way out, but you can take steps to make it bearable. Whatever route you choose, I wish you luck,and feel free to PM me if you have questions/want to talk. I am going to be going through withdrawal next week too.

Mike

I don't feel like you're trying to downplay my addiction and I really appreciate your advice. I've written a list of all the meds I'll need. I have been so worried about getting a worst addiction to methadone than I did to oxys and you've reminded me of that.

And good luck Mike, it's going to be a difficult journey.. for the both of us! We can do it. Unfortunately, I can't PM until I have bluelighter status lol (I orginally wanted to reply to everyone privately). I hope you'll reach out to somebody or even to the great people on this forum if things ever get too overwhelming for you.

 

[lolitaofott]

Do not, I repeat, do not, start a methadone "treatment"...'Cause if you think that you liked the opiates you're currently abusing, then there is NO WAY IN HELL that you will ever stop going to the clinic....unless it becomes more convenient to obtain your "dose" on the street....which is where I currently am...I started out similarly to the way you did. On the weekends at first (only once mind you), then I'd allow myself to get high twice a week, then i used as a stress reliever and so on and so forth...we all know where that leads....So here i am today, reliant on a daily dose of 100mg of methadone (that's ten, 10mg pills) at least once a day...I don't get high from it anymore, or feel a warm rush, i just feel "normal".....but if i could go back to the glory days ("honey moon period") of when i first started using methadone 4years ago i would do it in a second, nothing can compare to the absolute BLISS i experienced before becoming dependent...everyone Ive talked to, heroin addicts and pilfers alike all agree that methadone is by far the worst with draw on the fucking planet because it has a longer half-life, which means although it may take longer to feel withdraw symptoms, the withdrawal seems never ending....found that out a little to late....sometime i fantasize about what the freedom of not being dependent would feel like, but that often leads to me feeling depressed about my situation, which i cope with by taking a dose....

speaking of which, it's about that time....

I've been so naive to think that it was some great miracle drug! Thank you for taking the time to tell me about your experience with methadone, I know very well how the cycle of addiction can seem impossible to break. I hate to sound really corny... but fantasies can become reality.

Thanks SativaSyborg.

 

[lolitaofott]

Just taper down with whatever opiate you are using.
I basically second BrokedownPalace's advice.

Thanks. I'm going to try tapering among many other of the solutions the other's have suggested.

I guess I should have just written one large post, but I wanted to take the time and answer directly to each person. I'm not permitted to PM until I've posted more than 50 times.


Good night everyone.

 

[BrokedownPalace]

And good luck Mike, it's going to be a difficult journey.. for the both of us! We can do it. Unfortunately, I can't PM until I have bluelighter status lol (I orginally wanted to reply to everyone privately). I hope you'll reach out to somebody or even to the great people on this forum if things ever get too overwhelming for you.

Thank you. Im going to be taking my last dose of methadone on Monday, possibly Tuesday. And I believe you CAN pm me, since I am a moderator. We can PM with greenlighters.

 

[TINK]

Opiate withdrawl is harsh. I am a recovered addict going on 5 years. If you need some advice let me know good luck.