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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

i cut myself tonight

sn0wburt0n

sn0wburt0n

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 2, 2004
Messages
891
hello all,

blue lighter of yester year here...

been a lonnggg time since i've posted her ebut got temp banned from the poker forums



so basically, i cut myself tonight, across my upper thigh, just slashed thru a couple times.

not sure why i did it, but to be honest, i feel better after i did.




i havent smoked weed in a cuople days, except a few resin hits, which really seem to help.

went out to a trendy like campus area bar tonight. i'm 26 but go to a university still..

sole reason was to hit on girls. i did. actually did pretty well come to think of it, had some good convos but went home alone, and didnt get any numbers




if i dont smoke weed once a day, i become a bad person..

bent up over shit. the govt, my parents, my self, my decisions, school, anything pretty much.

but if i smoke weeds i become to passive, too accepting, unmotivated as fuck and a fucking bore...



honestly don't know the point of this post, am a little bit drunk, (becomeing that too, not soo good mayb) but any advice or anything?



*posting before re reading*
 
I think of cutting as a way to express really deep pain. It's as if our mind is saying, LOOK! THERE IS PAIN HERE.DO SOMETHING! So, then, we either don't do anything and it becomes one more self-destructive cycle or we do something. The "something" we do might be to make a change in our life that we are scared of but know we need. It might be to get into therapy and truly get tools to change how we think. It might mean really examining our life to see what it is that is making everything feel empty. Bottom line is that it takes work to figure out what is wrong and you can't right anything until you know what is wrong. Do you know what it is inside you that wants to be heard but that you maybe haven't been listening to?
 
There are many theories behind the motivation of self-injury, but I think it is a complex thing like most things are, and there are many reasons behind. I, myself, engaged in some self-injurious behaviors, though I never did it out of habit, and never too frequently. The first time I did it I did it to try it, and partly to in some way "defy" the world. That is mostly why I did it, to "defy" in some way, and also to show my pain on my arm. There were, however, a few occassions on which I self-injured for no particular cause and out of boredome. I must have really cut deep for the scars are still there, and it has been a while. The most prominent scar to me is the one of my mother's name, who passed away when I was 12, but I digress. You smoke weed because you experience extraordinary agitation over ordinary things. However, smoking weed causes lack of motivation (avolition) and some apathy from the way it sounds. It sounds you don't really care for its effects, but use it to medicate your agitation and anxiety (I assume). I might first advise some psychotherapy to deal with your agitation and anxiety that recently lead you to self-injure. I might also recommend using weed more sparingly, esp. using a lesser amount to avoid unwanted side-effects. If you feel you need drugs, there are a number of anxiolytics (anxiety-relievers) including benzos which could help with this anxiety. Anti-depressants have their benefits and their draw-backs. They, too, often dull mood as weed does for you, however it really depends on the situation and the anti-depressant, and of course the dose. Perhaps therapy, careful weed use, and using a low-dose benzo as needed might be best. Benzos are extremely addictive, so that is something to be VERY cautious of, but you seem to be really quite anxious. Even a low-dose benzo to be taken daily might be in your best interest for the time being, again be VERY cautious of addiction, and study up on whatever drugs/meds you do end up using.

Other forms of self-expression like various types of art can be very helpful as well. Try to avoid self-injury, and express your upset in a healthy way.
 
in my teens i was " a self mutilator"..i not only cut but hacked away at my arms,legs,thighs and anywhere i could hide the marks if necessary..It made my inner pain go, for the time that i felt the physical pain i had caused...Also its a control thing...You cant control the pain in your heart so you start making pain you CAN control...I honestly cant remember why/how i stopped as it was over 20 years ago. It does not make you a bad person, but you need to get you perspectives in the right place..
PM me if youd like...<3
 
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