I come to you

[silverwheel]

-I wrote this about five minutes ago...and would love to hear any responses/suggestions/thoughts.-
I come to you
dark, clothed in blue shirt,
black jacket,
black hair tied back into a tail.
We take in food,
from our mouths leave words
scented in garlic,
and drinking only a glass,
only enough to loosen our bodies
and soothe our faces.
I come to you
my eyes blurred
and open
as you take a piece of bread
to your lips
slowly, like the substance
would dissolve into absence
on your tongue,
like a ritual I am privileged to witness,
and I, a celtic melody enveloped in mist,
sounded by the ancient musician
approaching mystery.
I come to you
with a blanket wrapped over me
like a monk’s robes,
a seeker moving toward the altar
drinking your kiss
like wine,
slow sips,
the drops sliding
over my tongue.
I come to you
naked and nourished.

 

[Guh Low]

Quite good. Overall, I thought you wrote well and I believe I feel what it is you are conveying.
Keep writing/creating!

 

[vurtomatic]

good flow of imageries.
i might remove the lines

dark, clothed in blue shirt,
black jacket,
black hair tied back into a tail.
and in the first stanza, work on the imagery of wine.
otherwise, i like it, smooth.

 

[punch e punch]

very nice work indeed
makes me wanna go out on a date

 

[Nietzche]

No doubt, And-3!!!!! A very provacative (fuck, I probably mispelled that) poem! I agree with vurtomatic in that your poem is littered with very powerful imagery. In some cases almost archtypal. I loved the celtic muscian/mist lines. That was fucking awesome! For some reason, or another, that example of self description reminded me alot of James Joyce (probably the whole Celtic thing ).
But I am not so sure I agree with vurto about the blue jacket lines. Heres the deal, at first reading those lines kinda stood out. I think I thought they kind of sounded like a U2 lyric or some such . Eh, but I liked those lines, for whatever its worth.
In any event, great poem And-3!!!!! i really mean that!

 

[edgewise]

silverwheel
overall i'd say a lovely poem. particularily,

as you take a piece of bread/to your lips/slowly, like the substance/would dissolve into absence
perhaps play with where you end the lines; this can open up new contrasts and meanings you might not have even thought of, aswell as change the rhythm of the piece.

 

[silverwheel]

thanx for the comments thus far! As for the black jacket/hair lines, I have to admit the similarity to the "One" video...and that was unintentional (but not unwelcome)
vurto - I also agree that they don't fit as well, but felt like the concrete imagery helped a bit. Do you think it's needed here, or would you just omit it altogether? What would you do with it?