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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I can't take this anymore!

Bah, Italian and French are close enough to be almost mutually intelligible. Although of course, nobody from either country would ever admit to it ;)

I understand why you're helping her, and I really commend you for it, but I find it rather injust that you're the one who has to be the grownup taking care of a couple of spoiled children for parents. You deserve better than that, and I hope that someday (soon) you get just that.

Much respect to you for rising to this challenge, especially considering how vulnerable you are right now. Lots of luck, and plenty of strength to you!

:)
 
Hi Mrs. Mia ferra,
First, you are going through a lot right now. The fact that you always had to be the responsible one by takin gcare of your parents is wrong. I know you have accepted it and I also know you had to to survive, to cope.
You should not have been parentified in this way. Your parents have some seriously dysfunctional issues. However, I stress that these are not your fault.
You are a very strong person and have taken on more than you should have had to and are now paying the price in relationships.
Your mom may or may not have bipolar and your dad needs to deal with his alcoholism. HOwever, you are not responsible for his emotional states or his physical well-being. He must learn to cope in better ways and how to be an adult for the first time in his life.
Bipolar aside, your mother must learn the same without you.
I know you miss her and I understand you just want some normalcy in the chaos. However, I doubt this is going to give you that.
As for your relationship issues, you aren't a mind reader and you shouldn't beat yourself up for relapsing. We learn what we live from our parents. Maybe that is why you have problems. We tendd to subconsciously repeat what we ahve learned through watching our parents and other relationships from adults we knew as kids.
In psychological terms, the compulsion to subconsciously repeat what we learned as kids or what feels normal to us is called a repetition compulsion.
I know you are in school, so have you considered talking to the counseling department? I don't regard you as crazy, and they won't either.
Have you considered therapy for having had to take responsibility all of your life so you can deal with things besides the addiction better?
If you can find it, try the book Toxic Parents and try the first few chapters of a book called Vulnerable Populations.

You should get away from your parents and find a good therapist. The support of your friends will be invaluable as well.
I am here to listen if you need to talk and I hope my message doesn't offend you,
Strangefamiliarity
 
I booked her a flight for November 2nd.. swear to God if she misses it I'm going to kill her. She's so fucking indecisive right now, she wants an apartment, she wants a hotel, she wants my Dad out of the house... and I don't want to tell him she's coming because that will just make things even more complicated. Right now I booked her a room at the Four Seasons for a week, hopefully in that time she can figure out if she's really going to be gone long term and she needs an apartment or if this is just a trial separation.

A part of me just wants to get out of San Francisco. I'm really done with this city, I hate it here-- I had the people I know, I hate dealing with my parents, I hate being reminded of drugs everywhere I go. It wouldn't make any sense to leave right now because of school, but after I graduate I am so done with this place. And I HATE going to my school... I know almost no one and I barely ever talk to anyone when I'm there, I just go and come home. I really one see friends on the weekends and it's lonely living here. My parents insanity and this loneliness is catching up with me, I'm one of those people who pretend nothings wrong and then start bawling in a movie because I hate crying over things in my own life and I guess that's safer. You people probbably know more about me than me own friends. My parents are obsessed with "the perfect image" and that trait definitely has come to me. I always imagine myself falling apart and not being able to get out of bed, and in some ways I think that would be healthier-- but I never do. I jsust keeping going like its nothing. And I feel like my walls are start to crumble.
 
With all the pressure that you're under, it's unsurprising that you feel like your walls are crumbling. Most people would probably already have been crushed under the weight of what you're dealing with.

I don't know the dynamics of your relationship with your friends, but why not try reaching out to them for support? Even a good one-on-one IRL venting with a good friend can do absolute wonders for one's mood. With respect to school, why not try talking to some of your fellow students? At the very least you'll have some common ground with the people in the same program as you. Obviously you don't want to dump all your worries on them right away, but even a bit of social interaction with people who are completely unconnected to the source of your stress can be a boon. Plus, school should be fun! I really miss being in school, although I was a lot like you in that I didn't really socialize much when I was there. There are few things more satisfying in life than learning, and there is perhaps some solace to be found in that?

I'm still in awe that you're keeping all of this up. If you can keep going until this is resolved in some way without any further relapses, I for one will personally nominate you for sainthood! :)
 
My parents are obsessed with "the perfect image" and that trait definitely has come to me.
Click to expand...

The fact that you can recognize this in yourself is the first step. You have to take the second step which is throwing that merde out the window for good! Our society is in total meltdown because everybody hides everything! You can't have friends that truly accept you unless you give them the opportunity to really know the whole you--weaknesses and strengths. We don't gain anything but isolation by keeping up appearances for the outside world. You are very strong. It is also strong to let yourself "fall apart" and receive help.
P.S. how are the kitties?
 
Wise words herbavore!

One thing that I had to get over in therapy was my own twisted perfectionism. For me, if I couldn't do something (or be something) perfectly right from the get go, it wasn't worth doing (or being). Which kept me virtually paralyzed. I tend to think in sound bites at times - I can thank a heavy TV addiction up until my late 20s for that, I think - so I found a couple that worked well for me when I kept getting caught up in perfectionism. One was from my psychologist: "there is a huge difference in effort between 'perfect' and 'good enough', but the trick is deciding when that effort is actually worthwhile". The other was of my own concoction, and is therefore more sound-bitey: "Perfection is nothing more than a philosophical and mathematical abstraction, which doesn't exist in the physical world". I hold both to be true, and use them both fairly regularly as reminders.

Another big thing that I learned is that masks are incredibly unhealthy. I used to wear mask upon mask, to the point where I wasn't sure that it wasn't just masks all the way down anymore. This has been my challenge in the last year, and I've made huge efforts into removing the masks, to the point now where I am able to be genuine nearly all of the time. It is quite scary at times, and there are times when a mask comes back on for a bit-- like at work. Overall, though, putting myself 'out there' has paid off far better than hiding behind facades of perfection.

You've got so much going on right now, that I wouldn't suggest trying to change anything so drastically as that, but as long as you're aware that keeping up appearances can be toxic, I think that you'll save some stress.
 
Family dynamics can be weird I remember last time I called the cops on my parents (many many years ago) it only provoked the fight to get worse because they knew it was ending soon. So I don't really call the cops if I see my parents fighting anymore. Instead I get involved in the fight and scream loudest untill they can't hear themselves screaming over their own voices. And eventually it ends and they make up at some point. Once it took 3 years for them to make up lol in which point my dad was living at his mothers.

But either way like Dave said you NEED to focus on yourself. Your parents both sound like they're going through some type of mid life crisis and being around either of them is likely to just bring you down. The only type of person I'd recommend to be in that situation would be Joel Olstien but anyone else is likely to get gunned down or driven into 12 different mental psychoses. Try to focus on yourself and maybe you can set an example for your parents, I don't really know what else to say here. Very tough situation for anyone.
 
I just read everyone's posts; I haven't been on BL in a while now. Thanks for the support and kind words, everyone.

My mother came back in November. She told me that she has breast cancer. She found out six months ago and didn't tell anyone, which made and still makes me so sad-- I don't understand why she would feel like she had to hide that from me. I think her fear and the incredible pressure of keeping it all a secret pushed her to go crazy for a while, which is totally understandable.

She's been undergoing treatment, but her doctor told us two days ago that she has to have a mastectomy. I don't think I've ever seen her more devastated than she's been since he told her. My mother is an incredibly beautiful woman,; she was a model when she was younger, and she places ENORMOUS value on her physical appearance. She did well as model, but then she met my father and they got married and she had me-- which I know she doesn't regret-- but it put a premature end to her career. I know she feels like she doesn't have much to offer the world besides being beautiful, which is so stupid because she has a LOT more than that. She has a great sense of humor, she's an amazing cook, and very talented when it comes to fashion and interior design. People love being around my mother; she's always been popular and known for throwing great parties and events. She's done an enormous amount of volunteer work and raised tons of money for various causes over the years. And that's why it kills me that this woman, who has so much to offer the world, thinks that her entire worth as a human being is going to go out the window if she loses her breasts. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she's very tight-lipped, so I’m trying to give her her space and let her come to me when she’s ready. One of my good friend’s father is a plastic surgeon who specializes in reconstructive surgery, so we got in touch with him yesterday and she’s looking at her options. But I know she really hates the idea of having plastic surgery and wearing implants; my impression from listening to her speak to him is that she doesn’t feel like putting two breast implants in her chest is going to make her feel anymore beautiful, or like a woman, than not having them.

My father took the news really hard—like me I think he couldn’t understand why she had to hide it, and he’s really trying to be there for her. But he’s not handling it very well; he’s still drinking everyday, although a lot less than he was when she wasn’t living at the house, and he’s been trying to come home earlier in the evening and spend more time at the house on the weekends. I think she’s terrified of him having another affair, and she wants him at the house so she doesn’t have to worry he might be with another woman—but being around him seems to really lower her spirits at times. She told me yesterday that she’s afraid that once she has the mastectomy he’s never going to look at her the way he does now. I know they’ve had a very difficult marriage at times, but I can’t imagine my father leaving her, or losing interest in her, because of a mastectomy. He can be a total ass at times, and lending support is not his strongest skill, but I think losing her for that period she was in France showed him how important she really is to him, and how empty his life would be without her. His drinking is just further evidence of his fear of losing her.

Despite all of this, I’m really happy to have my mother back, and I’m glad that my parents are trying to work things out. I just wish it wasn’t under these circumstances. Things are calmer at the house, but there’s still this film of sadness over everything. Most of the time I feel like I can be positive and hopeful—and I always try to be when I’m around her, even if I’m putting on a front—but sometimes I get hit with this incredible fear and I feel like I’m going to burst into tears. I just don’t know what I would do without her, she’s my best friend and I love her so much, it hurts me to see her in such pain and fear, she doesn’t deserve this. I had a dream last week that she died, and I woke up crying and terrified. I don’t even remember the last time I had a nightmare that affected me that much, and I still feel guilty for having that dream, like I failed her in some way by having it.
 
It's wonderful to hear from you Ms Mia, although I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. It's great that she's back, but such an illness is devastating. My aunt was diagnosed with it nearly a decade ago, and underwent both a dual masectomy and a full hysterectomy. It was an incredibly difficult time for her, but she discovered an amazing well of strength within herself, and with the support of her family and friends she has been able to turn a 6-month prognosis into nearly a decade and counting.

I could only imagine how difficult it would be for a woman for whom so much of her self-worth is tied to her appearance (merited or otherwise) to lose her breasts. Forms don't do much when she's worried about losing her husband. All I can suggest is that she does what she has to, and when she sees that her husband is still there that perhaps she might regain some of her former confidence. One can hope, at least.

Times are tough now, but cancers like this can be treated, and often become managed illnesses, like diabetes or asthma. As long as she keeps fighting, she'll beat this.

And how are you doing, by the way? Have you been able to stay clean? Ish? Were you able to stay in school, or have you been able to return? Your home life seems a bit less chaotic than it was, but obviously still far from ideal.
 
Thanks Dave :)

Her doctor says her odds are really good, but I think she's just so devastated about the masectomy that she feels like her life is over. I guess its something you have mourn over, but it's hard to see her so depressed, and I have a hard time relating to it honestly... I was a gymnast for a long time and I am SO flatchested I don't feel like I have same relationship with my body that she does (she is NOT flatchested at all). My friend told me that it really doesn't matter how big-chested the woman is it's the same feeling of loss, and I guess it's not really fair for me to judge her since I'm not in her place, but it does frustrate me to see her reduce her life to a body part. I'm trying to get her to go to counseling but she's really resistent to go and my father isn't helping in that respect.

I'm still in school but I'm not sober. I mid-November... I met a guy through my dealer in September and we started dating but then I stopped using and basically stopped speaking to him. I reconnected with him and in November and relapsed, it was hot and heavy for a while between us and I ended it a couple days before New Years. It was not going anywhere and he was much older and it was more of a physical thing. I thought when I stopped seeing him it would be easy to get off of it... he was basically buying my dope... but it's never easy to get off of it. I start back up this week at school and I'm hoping that's going to give me the push to get off. If my parents found out they would be so pissed and I would feel so horrible putting this on them, but I have to admit it helps with the stress at home. I don't know, there's moments when I feel like I'm so tired of this I can't do this anymore, and then there are moments when I feel like there's no way I can give this up.
 
Op, I am dealing with a family member's cancer right now, too. It is crucial to get support for yourself (especially with a relapse). PM me anytime if you would like to talk or get some extra support. <3
 
Mia-- You're right, you can't. It can be overwhelming, but you've shown immense strength in the past, and your mother needs that right now. Keep gently pushing the counselling; she will benefit immensely from it, I'm sure. It can be hard for strong people like her to accept that they need help, but there really is no shame in it.

This would be an incredibly hard time to get clean, but you know how important that is, and how much harder it'll be if you put it off. Maybe keeping a maintenance dose for a little while, followed by a long taper if you can afford it?
 
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