duneplanet
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 29, 2010
- Messages
- 328
heres my story:
Ive been messed up since birth. Always frightened and worried. age 9 was the worst. I was so sensitive that some kid told me about a nightmare on elm street and all the way up until middle school Id keep myself awake every night because I thought freddy krueger was going to kill me. I never had fun. I never even had a friend really up until 20.
At age 11 I was sent to a psychiatrist and put on psych meds that truly f**ked me up. They put me on recreational doses of adderall and high doses of prozac and my parents wondered why I was so messed up and screaming and feeling like I was gonna jump out of my skin. Every doctor ive had up until the one I have now has dropped me as apatient becasue none of them could help me. They never knew what was wrong with me. Ive been diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to borderline personality disorder, but the one I truly feel I have is aspergers. It explains a lot.
At age 13 I found where my parents hid their liquor and I would drink all day and all night for a years. I used to bring alcohol in a water bottle to school and drink it in class. I didnt realize how messed up this was. At 16 i met a group of hippies that took me in and we became drug "buddies". I use the term buddies loosely because they wou;d all make fun of me behind my back, and sometimes they were man enough tos ay it to my face. e woyuld smoke weed everyday, and I woul;d freak out everytime. My heart would race and I would become borderlinge psychotic. I was sitting there while they were having fun checking my pulse thinking i was gonna die. I continued to smoke anyway cause I wanted to escape so bad. At age 16 I tried nutmeg, because I heard it was a hallucinogen. DUe to all the pain ive been through I wanted to become enlightened, and since my mind was too f**ked up to meditate i thought the only way to do so was drugs. I ate 12 whole nuts, and ive had brain damage ever since. I now have hppd awhich means i see constant tv static and color patters, and my ears constanly ring. It wasnt worth it. At 17 i ate 120 pills to kill myself. It didnt work.
I continued to use hallucinogens, some legal and some illegal. The one I used the most was dxm. a legal drug found in cough syrup. It is similar to pcp and ketamine adn isnt something to be taken l ightly. I did it 300-600 times, watching my walls breath and being so messed up I was unable to talk. I would get caught by may parents many times and was sent to a mental hospital or a arehab everytime. Ivbe been hospitalized 22 different times. One of the last times I did this made my life change forever. I took way past the lethal dose of dxm and had the most intense trip ive ever epxerienced. at this time I was scripted klonopin, which plays apart in the story. I was found the next morning and taken to the hospital. the dr told my mother he was confused as to how I was still alive. As the night rolled around< it had been 24 hours since i had been given any medication.
In the hosptial bed, I heard a telepatchic voice asking me if i wanted to die. I said yes, and as soon as I did my IV bag fell out. it did this 56 or 7 times. The nurses were all confused because they had never seen anything like it. After that, my heart started to tighten and i almost had a seizure. I heard two voices in my head, one sounded like satan the other lilith. It was the not the last I would hear from lilith.
My parents then kicked me out and sent me to a halfway house in one of the most dangerous ghettos in AMerica.The day I moved in there was a dead body on the doorstep. The least of my problems at the halfway house were: people threatening to kill me and my family, people offering my roomate money to kill me becasue i accidenly threw away drugs, cops throwing me up against the wall and calling me a piece of s**t.. my real problems: demons. I was completely sober when the following happened. For 6 months I was having cabinets swing open, hearing scratching on my walls, hearing demonic breathing, waking up to a femal demon calling my name, my bed violently shaking like the exorcist. WHen i closed my eyese id see the most errible3 things. One time I saw a man wearing ad evil suit dead hanging by a rope. words cannot describe how i felt.. i was really in hell. Literally. THey were trying to kill me. My life was being drained at times.. I know what hell is like, and no one deserves it.
6 months later, I got the biggest feeling of relief in my whole life. I was let back home. I should mention that during my time in baltimore I was also withdrawing from a cold turkey klonopin. I cannt equate all that happened to me as hallucination however. I know in my heart it was real. My bed shook and cabients swung open, things would crash to the ground as i entered the room.
It took me 2 years to recover from the ptsd that i still have, but got better, and the klonopin withdrawal ended. 2010 started as the only good year in my life. I had friends for the first time. IN march I met the most beautiful and sweetest girl ive ever met. I thought she was my gift for all the pain ive been through. The first month we dated was the only month of happiness ive had in my entire life. I soon got addicted to benzos again because she was pressuring me to have sex and I was unable to because of my anxiety. the benzos were the only thing that helped and i wanted so badly to please her. the iwthdarwall changed me and she dumped me, leaving me with a few loving words: you are a f**kup with not future, i want to have a family some day and i could never see you as a father, you need to know what it is to be a man etc etc
SOme people tell me im a compassionate kind person. SOme people tell me im a whiney insecure b***h. all I know is i hat emyself,.i hate the painful life ive had. I cant do anything anymore. Im too scared to go out with friends,. im too scared to sleep. im so lonely i wanna die. cant somebody help me? I need sleep. I dont want this life anymore. This may not sound that bad but trust me i cant put into words. My life has been hell. I feel like i deserve peace for once. I have terrible karma I guess. I do buddhist practice everyday but nothing helps me. I do not want this anymore.
so anyway here I am in my 4th benzo withdrawal. Iv elost most my friends, ive lost my first girlfriend. I am alone with myselt, and I HATE myself, Please somebody help me. Im so alone. my mental disorders are making this very hard for me. Im now addicted to suboxone and lyrica and i have to withdraw from those too. thank god i found a place to get codeine. opiates are my only friend.
Ive been messed up since birth. Always frightened and worried. age 9 was the worst. I was so sensitive that some kid told me about a nightmare on elm street and all the way up until middle school Id keep myself awake every night because I thought freddy krueger was going to kill me. I never had fun. I never even had a friend really up until 20.
At age 11 I was sent to a psychiatrist and put on psych meds that truly f**ked me up. They put me on recreational doses of adderall and high doses of prozac and my parents wondered why I was so messed up and screaming and feeling like I was gonna jump out of my skin. Every doctor ive had up until the one I have now has dropped me as apatient becasue none of them could help me. They never knew what was wrong with me. Ive been diagnosed with everything from schizophrenia to borderline personality disorder, but the one I truly feel I have is aspergers. It explains a lot.
At age 13 I found where my parents hid their liquor and I would drink all day and all night for a years. I used to bring alcohol in a water bottle to school and drink it in class. I didnt realize how messed up this was. At 16 i met a group of hippies that took me in and we became drug "buddies". I use the term buddies loosely because they wou;d all make fun of me behind my back, and sometimes they were man enough tos ay it to my face. e woyuld smoke weed everyday, and I woul;d freak out everytime. My heart would race and I would become borderlinge psychotic. I was sitting there while they were having fun checking my pulse thinking i was gonna die. I continued to smoke anyway cause I wanted to escape so bad. At age 16 I tried nutmeg, because I heard it was a hallucinogen. DUe to all the pain ive been through I wanted to become enlightened, and since my mind was too f**ked up to meditate i thought the only way to do so was drugs. I ate 12 whole nuts, and ive had brain damage ever since. I now have hppd awhich means i see constant tv static and color patters, and my ears constanly ring. It wasnt worth it. At 17 i ate 120 pills to kill myself. It didnt work.
I continued to use hallucinogens, some legal and some illegal. The one I used the most was dxm. a legal drug found in cough syrup. It is similar to pcp and ketamine adn isnt something to be taken l ightly. I did it 300-600 times, watching my walls breath and being so messed up I was unable to talk. I would get caught by may parents many times and was sent to a mental hospital or a arehab everytime. Ivbe been hospitalized 22 different times. One of the last times I did this made my life change forever. I took way past the lethal dose of dxm and had the most intense trip ive ever epxerienced. at this time I was scripted klonopin, which plays apart in the story. I was found the next morning and taken to the hospital. the dr told my mother he was confused as to how I was still alive. As the night rolled around< it had been 24 hours since i had been given any medication.
In the hosptial bed, I heard a telepatchic voice asking me if i wanted to die. I said yes, and as soon as I did my IV bag fell out. it did this 56 or 7 times. The nurses were all confused because they had never seen anything like it. After that, my heart started to tighten and i almost had a seizure. I heard two voices in my head, one sounded like satan the other lilith. It was the not the last I would hear from lilith.
My parents then kicked me out and sent me to a halfway house in one of the most dangerous ghettos in AMerica.The day I moved in there was a dead body on the doorstep. The least of my problems at the halfway house were: people threatening to kill me and my family, people offering my roomate money to kill me becasue i accidenly threw away drugs, cops throwing me up against the wall and calling me a piece of s**t.. my real problems: demons. I was completely sober when the following happened. For 6 months I was having cabinets swing open, hearing scratching on my walls, hearing demonic breathing, waking up to a femal demon calling my name, my bed violently shaking like the exorcist. WHen i closed my eyese id see the most errible3 things. One time I saw a man wearing ad evil suit dead hanging by a rope. words cannot describe how i felt.. i was really in hell. Literally. THey were trying to kill me. My life was being drained at times.. I know what hell is like, and no one deserves it.
6 months later, I got the biggest feeling of relief in my whole life. I was let back home. I should mention that during my time in baltimore I was also withdrawing from a cold turkey klonopin. I cannt equate all that happened to me as hallucination however. I know in my heart it was real. My bed shook and cabients swung open, things would crash to the ground as i entered the room.
It took me 2 years to recover from the ptsd that i still have, but got better, and the klonopin withdrawal ended. 2010 started as the only good year in my life. I had friends for the first time. IN march I met the most beautiful and sweetest girl ive ever met. I thought she was my gift for all the pain ive been through. The first month we dated was the only month of happiness ive had in my entire life. I soon got addicted to benzos again because she was pressuring me to have sex and I was unable to because of my anxiety. the benzos were the only thing that helped and i wanted so badly to please her. the iwthdarwall changed me and she dumped me, leaving me with a few loving words: you are a f**kup with not future, i want to have a family some day and i could never see you as a father, you need to know what it is to be a man etc etc
SOme people tell me im a compassionate kind person. SOme people tell me im a whiney insecure b***h. all I know is i hat emyself,.i hate the painful life ive had. I cant do anything anymore. Im too scared to go out with friends,. im too scared to sleep. im so lonely i wanna die. cant somebody help me? I need sleep. I dont want this life anymore. This may not sound that bad but trust me i cant put into words. My life has been hell. I feel like i deserve peace for once. I have terrible karma I guess. I do buddhist practice everyday but nothing helps me. I do not want this anymore.
so anyway here I am in my 4th benzo withdrawal. Iv elost most my friends, ive lost my first girlfriend. I am alone with myselt, and I HATE myself, Please somebody help me. Im so alone. my mental disorders are making this very hard for me. Im now addicted to suboxone and lyrica and i have to withdraw from those too. thank god i found a place to get codeine. opiates are my only friend.
