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I can't take it anymore

10! So great to hear from you <3 <3 <3

Yes, I wish you were around too. Most of my interactions are mostly still with people from AA and Refuge Recovery, but I would really like to get back to the life I had before I went off the rails last fall and get back to the friends and hobbies I used to enjoy so much. I feel ok (maybe it's the Celexa being doubled), but for some reason I still lack the motivation to do it. It's nice, though, that I no longer dread being at home alone (it feels like the refuge home should be) and it's nice to be back to enjoying the small things: reading (I've been inhaling books from the nearby library branch), grocery shopping, preparing my own meals, even puttering around cleaning and doing chores. I've also had the dog back for a while and in addition to her walk, she needs to go out 2-3 times on top of that, so that gets me outside a few times a day.

I wasn't aware you had moved. My old sponsor (still friends with him) is from Philly so we're going to see the Phillies-Tigers spring training game in Lakeland on the 24th. When I'm drinking/using I don't take my meds and the result is not good, so I'm glad you're working toward resolution on that end. Did you ever follow up with St. Jude's Retreat? It looks like an awesome place. I got so dicked around by the place I was going to go to that I ended up not going anywhere. Ultimately, I decided that I'd been in rehab so many times that I would just be hearing the same ideas I heard every other time. But, if I feel like I need to go somewhere, I will. But things are ok for right now and that's all I really have control over. Take care of yourself.
 
Yes Aih- it's all those little things that suffer. And what are the most precious to me. Home doesn't feel like s refuge At all. My anxiety is very high. Uugh

I moved about 25 mins away from where I'm from. But it makes a big difference. And all of the above factors added to that- forget it.

St Jude's is on hold. I want to go more than anything. Besides not being. able to afford it- my head isn't in the space to write ban essay. But I will revisit this when I'm together w meds.

Glad you're feeling better Aih.
 
Aih-

I got my hands on some Neurontin-and what a difference. I'm mentally balanced again.

I'm just trudging along to get to this sub Dr on Friday. She's a psychiatrist so I'm pretty confident she'll write me a Neurontin Rx. So I can be back on it normally again. I didn't have any for four days until tonight. And it was horrible to put it mildly.
 
Hi 10, I've been on Neurontin for going on about four years. I am prescribed 900mg daily. I take it all at once at night because I told the psychiatrist I can't take it during the day because it makes me have trouble focusing my eyes and makes me weirdly dizzy. I've not experienced gabapentin withdrawal but by all accounts it sucks. Glad to hear you are feeling yourself again. I hope the appointment with the sub doctor goes well. Keep us posted.
 
10, I saw that you posted you were bipolar on KraziKat's thread. Are you taking Neurontin as a mood stabilizer? That's why I was prescribed it (off label) although I am not bipolar. I suspect I may be borderline personality but have not received a formal diagnosis. I don't know if the gabapentin is even doing anything at this point anymore after nearly four years, but I feel ok and more importantly I am sleeping like a log so I'm certainly not looking to change anything.

On another note, do your homework on St. Jude's Retreat. I read a review on TheFix.com and while the review was pretty standard, some of the comments raised red flags, most importantly, people being allowed to use while they are there. Personally, I think a lot of treatment programs are too 12 step centric, but they sound like they are taking this whole idea that people need to come to decision to quit on their own to an extreme. If you go there and continue to use (and worse, tempt other people into using) WTF is the point of even being there? It's too bad that the ideal treatment center doesn't seem to exist, but I would hate to see you put a lot of effort into going and then have nothing be different from what you're going through now. Another red flag is that they don't have professional therapists and psychiatrists on site and it sounds like the only qualification the people leading the group therapy sessions have is being alumni of their program. Like I said, do your homework.
 
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Holy shit. "Allowed" to use there?! As in IV'ing drugs is ok w them? W.T.F.?? That is really taking things kind of far.

That's not ok. I definitely will look into that. Thanks for the heads up.

Yes, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 about 3 yrs ago Things finally made sense.

I was originally Rx'd Neurontin for nerve pain- which it did nothing for. However, it helped my anxiety and panic alot. It also works well as a mood stabilizer ' though yes, that's off-label.

I feel so grateful to have accidentally found something that helps in me. So grateful.

You're fortunate not to experience Neurontin w/d. It really is hell. It seems some do experience w/d and some don't.
 
It sucks that you get those side-effects. Just like the w/d - some experience those, some don't.

And yes, if you sleep well on your current meds, no reason to change it. Finding meds/tx's that are effective is grueling. No way would I change it. Thanks again for all St.Judes info Hope you're having a good night. <3
 
I have a handful of 400 mg gabapentin. Not sure what to do with them. I imagine they may come in handy when I run out of benzos and suboxone while quitting opiates, kratom and stop alcoholic drinking.
 
Had a post all typed out but my power flickered in the storm that just passed and I lost it :X Anyway Krazi, gabapentin doesn't do much for me except make me sleepy but it may help with withdrawal symptoms, particularly insomnia.

10, how are you holding up?

We're about to get hammered with round two so I'll type at everyone later.
 
aihfl said:
Had a post all typed out but my power flickered in the storm that just passed and I lost it :X Anyway Krazi, gabapentin doesn't do much for me except make me sleepy but it may help with withdrawal symptoms, particularly insomnia.

10, how are you holding up?

We're about to get hammered with round two so I'll type at everyone later.
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Hang in there, AI. We are about to hit with a 4th Noreaster in 4 weeks here in NJ. Thanks for sharing your gabapentin experience with me... I'm on day 3 no subs, and only 1 mg total the last five days. I'm leaning toward toughing it out, so the insomnia, like the storm is-a-coming
 
Krazi, I've been a lifelong insomniac for as long as I can remember. I'm far enough in (coming up on three months) that my sleep patterns have pretty much returned to normal. When I do have the occasional sleepless night I try not to overmedicate myself (I have prescription sedatives meds out the wazoo) so I can function in the morning. I don't try and fight it anymore. I figure I will sleep when I need to sleep. A good piece of advice from the therapist was, though, if you can't sleep, don't just lay in bed worrying about not sleeping because eventually the mind will come to associate the bed with wakefulness.

Hope you don't get snowed in too badly. I've been watching the news and got a picture from my ex-in laws in New Hampshire. Looks brutal. Today has been on again off again violent thunderstorms (round three is approaching), but we are getting another cold snap (60s in the day, 40s at night) tomorrow from this cold front. I thought the last one was going to be our last until December, so I'll take it. Soon pleasantly cool temps will seem like a distant memory.

Had my last round of neuro-psych testing at the psychologist's office this morning. Today wasn't as bad as the last two days. It was a lot shorter and a lot of it consisted of just filling out questionnaires. I really hope I can continue seeing someone at this psychologist's office because I feel like I'm finally getting the dual diagnosis help I've been seeking all these years instead of just medication management and talk therapy centering on addiction.
 
Yesterday was a mixed bag. I still don't have my bond money back from the bondsman for my DUI (the matter was resolved over a month ago now). I've been getting the runaround every time I talk to them and that's if they even answer the phone. I finally got a hold of the business owner yesterday and told him I was dick ass broke without money to pay bills and asked if I needed to take the matter to small claims. Long story short (since this was a while back in this thread), being from out of state, I had to pay my entire bond to the bondsman as collateral. Had I been arrested in Florida, the courts take credit cards, but this county in Tennessee only takes cash and they sure wouldn't let me out of jail to go get it. Anyway, the threat of me filing a small claims lawsuit seemed to have an effect and he told me he would send it priority mail so I would have it by Saturday. If it's not here by then, I am going ahead with a small claims action on Monday. I know they often deal with the lowest of the low and treat everyone like they're sketchy and up to no good, but they're the ones that are sketchy.

On a positive note though, our AA trivia team won both games last night so (ironically) we won $75 in bar tabs, but they let us pay for food with it too, so my dinner was free last night. Which is good, because again, I am dick ass broke.

Hope those of you in the NE don't have it too bad weatherwise, and everyone else is having a good go of it.

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Nice win!! Looks and sounds like you are doing pretty well. I need to cut down or quit my drinking habit, as it's really getting in the way of my opiod detox. Thanks for looking into Refuge Recovery. There is one about an hours drive from my house on Sunday. I think I may try and go. What are the meetings like?

I'm close to telling my wife about my problem drinking. She did find a bunch of empty, hidden vodka bottles the other day, though they were from awhile ago, not that it matters. :/
 
Krazi, every alcoholic has their "secret stash" stories. I would hide bottles in the pockets of clothes I didn't often wear and when that subterfuge was found out, I graduated to 50ml bottles because those were small enough to be hidden in shoes. I've also used the spare tire well in the car, garage roof rafters, underneath heavy furniture and God knows where else. When it was time to clear out the empties, I took them to the city recycling drop-off because I didn't want to leave them in curbside where my ex or nosy neighbors might have seen them. In hindsight, it sounds like a lot of work. The story that takes the cake though, one guy I knew from rehab (a CPA no less) would pour vodka into his garden hose outside and get rid of the bottle. Every time he needed a hit of booze, he'd just go outside, take the sprayer off the end of the garden hose, take his swig, then recap the hose with the sprayer.

Every RR meeting I've been to follows the same format: after the pre-meeting formalities like the chair's welcome, the reading of the preamble etc. etc., there is a 20 minute guided meditation, followed by 15 minutes of reading from the Refuge Recovery book (I bought my own copy off Amazon; it isn't much, maybe $10-12) and 15-20 minutes of discussion on that evening's reading. I really enjoy them and they go by very quickly for me. I wish we had meetings more than once a week but maybe as we grow we'll add more. The group is still brand new, only having started in January. Hope your experience is as rewarding as mine has been.
 
a-

I'm not holding up well. I didn't make it to my sub appt. Something went wrong w my account. I felt suicidal about it. This year has been one of the shittiest I've ever had.

I have honestly reached my limit w being addicted to opiates- the whole fucking, sickening thing. I'm rescheduling my appt. I haven't given up but I'm really stressed about it.

Good job on winning $75!! And good job on getting out and socializing. That's how you get well. ,<3
 
Hi 10, thank you for stopping by and posting <3 I'm sorry to hear about the problem that kept you from seeing your sub doctor. I really hope you are able to able to reschedule for the near future. I had a moment this morning when I saw an empty heroin bag on the sidewalk this morning while walking the dog. It took a few seconds to remember what it was like being at work and trying to keep from nodding. I'm trying to be less antisocial but it's difficult with my agoraphobic tendencies and I tend to give off a "don't fuck with me" vibe around people or groups of people I don't know well. There was a concept from the Refuge Recovery book that really stood out to me, about emotional/mental pain and discomfort causing people to lash out. That's definitely the case with me. It's good that my sponsor convinced me to take on chairing a Saturday evening Big Book meeting for the next three months. It will definitely push me out of my comfort zone. Again, I'm sorry to hear about the problem that kept you from the doctor. I hope you get it resolved soon. Keep us posted.
 
Well, this morning's appointment with the psychologist was frustrating. I asked him, if after everything is said and done with the neuro-psych assessment, if I can continue to see him and he said no. And he's the only person at his practice that accepts Blue Cross Blue Shield. I'm frustrated because for the first time I'm actually getting genuine dual-diagnosis help which makes all the other therapy I've had seem superficially light in comparison. Both my rehab therapists sucked ass (both were condescending and judgmental) and they didn't really do anything other than try to put a band-aid on my substance abuse issues when what I really needed was metaphorical stitches for some really deep-seated, fucked up shit. And even the therapy sessions I had with the therapist at my psychiatrist's practice didn't seem all that productive (though I did enjoy talking to him and liked him) and I eventually quit going. I liked my intensive outpatient rehab therapist, but I don't think I need anything as intensive as an IOP at this point. I've been feeling pretty good as of late but I know I'm not always going to feel this way and I'd like to be able to get the psychological help I'm going to need when things suck. He says he'll try and help me find someone who accepts Blue Cross but finding a therapist anymore is a real fucking ordeal. When I was cold calling therapists last fall, some didn't even bother returning phone calls and the ones who did all had a waiting list a mile long.
 
I've had that happen to me too. Doctors and therapists not returning phone calls. WTF is up with that?? Here – take my money, just help me!
 
Ugh I am so over "meeting leeches." I've been broke and I've been homeless, but I never asked anyone for anything at a meeting except for perhaps the occasional cigarette and when I did, I always made sure to reciprocate. I've been pretty patient with being asked for cigarettes, but now I'm being regularly hit up for money (usually couched in the form of bus or train fare - I've given away both my SunRail cards - or gas money) or rides to/from meetings and it's the same people who keep doing it over and over and it's starting to really irritate me. It just seems easier to avoid meetings to avoid these situations so I'm not labeled as being callous to the less fortunate, but I know that's not good for my personal growth both as an alcoholic and addict and as a person. Anyone else (particularly those who live in populated areas where homelessness is a problem) dealt with this issue?
 
aihfl said:
Ugh I am so over "meeting leeches." I've been broke and I've been homeless, but I never asked anyone for anything at a meeting except for perhaps the occasional cigarette and when I did, I always made sure to reciprocate. I've been pretty patient with being asked for cigarettes, but now I'm being regularly hit up for money (usually couched in the form of bus or train fare - I've given away both my SunRail cards - or gas money) or rides to/from meetings and it's the same people who keep doing it over and over and it's starting to really irritate me. It just seems easier to avoid meetings to avoid these situations so I'm not labeled as being callous to the less fortunate, but I know that's not good for my personal growth both as an alcoholic and addict and as a person. Anyone else (particularly those who live in populated areas where homelessness is a problem) dealt with this issue?
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Anytime I perform a "generous" action and immediately feel a twinge of resentment usually in the form of an unmet expectation I know that I am people pleasing. It is okay to not be "generous" if it is causing you suffering. "No" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language and a sentence that few are skilled enough to utilize regularly. "No" requires no explanation. I have struggled in the past with saying "no". I am much better at it today.

I have mentored quite a few guys who also struggled with saying "no". I offer this up to all of them. If you struggle saying "no" without additional explanation of why you are saying "no" then feel free to say "because Justin told me to say 'no'". Of all of the people I know who have utilized that phrasing I have yet to have a single person come up to me and ask me, "Why did you tell so-and-so to say 'no'". After a period of time of utilizing that tool I have many guys who I currently mentor who now know how to say "no".

Personally, today, I rarely say "no". I also don't walk around regretting that I didn't say "no". I know the difference between generosity and people pleasing. It took me some time to learn that skill. I am capable today of saying "no" I just don't find it necessary that often. Practice it. You will improve!
 
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