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I can't take it anymore

Ai, How are you doing? I am proud and happy for you in how you picked yourself up and dusted yourself after your booze relapse and DUI. I wish I had some of your resolve.
 
jdfisse said:
Anytime I perform a "generous" action and immediately feel a twinge of resentment usually in the form of an unmet expectation I know that I am people pleasing. It is okay to not be "generous" if it is causing you suffering. "No" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language and a sentence that few are skilled enough to utilize regularly. "No" requires no explanation. I have struggled in the past with saying "no". I am much better at it today.

I have mentored quite a few guys who also struggled with saying "no". I offer this up to all of them. If you struggle saying "no" without additional explanation of why you are saying "no" then feel free to say "because Justin told me to say 'no'". Of all of the people I know who have utilized that phrasing I have yet to have a single person come up to me and ask me, "Why did you tell so-and-so to say 'no'". After a period of time of utilizing that tool I have many guys who I currently mentor who now know how to say "no".

Personally, today, I rarely say "no". I also don't walk around regretting that I didn't say "no". I know the difference between generosity and people pleasing. It took me some time to learn that skill. I am capable today of saying "no" I just don't find it necessary that often. Practice it. You will improve!
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Well, I knew this was how this was going to play out. It was as inevitable as the sun rising in the east. I was asked by a former sponsor at our weekly trivia game why I haven't been at a particular meeting and was asked why I "didn't want to give back to the program." I didn't get into it, but it thoroughly pissed me off. I set up rooms, I break down and clean up after meetings, I make coffee and I chair meetings. I give back plenty without being a free Uber or being accused of rape when I tried to actually help someone. I'm liking more and more this platitude that "AA is a selfish program." Damn right. I'm not going drive out of my way, burning up my gas and time and I'm sure as hell not going to clean up pet excrement and cigarette butts off a drunk's floor and get them cleaned up as well, ever again. Fool me once...

KraziKat said:
Ai, How are you doing? I am proud and happy for you in how you picked yourself up and dusted yourself after your booze relapse and DUI. I wish I had some of your resolve.
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KK, I really appreciate the kind words. I've had a stressful week. Allstate finally figured out that I live in a different zip code and my policy went up by over a grand annually. Of course I screamed bloody murder and went straight to the agent and told them we've got to figure something else out, or I am taking my business elsewhere. Florida does not know about my DUI, so it's not on my driving record. It's entirely due to the change in zip code according to the agent. It's not like I live in the fucking ghetto. That, and just the general feeling that I am always on the cusp of financial woes. I broke down today and took an Ativan to help with the anxiety. I noticed myself starting to basically chain smoke. That's not a good sign. As trying as things have been, all I remember about drinking at this point is being lethargic, hot and sweaty. I honestly can't remember what the pleasant euphoria felt like. Which is good because for someone like me, alcohol only makes existing problems worse. And that thing about, "things can't get any worse?" Things can always get worse. I had a former sponsor once say rock bottom has a trapdoor. Indeed it does. Learned that the hard way. Hope everyone else is having a good week - only two more days until the weekend =D
 
Well, I got a bill in the mail this morning for $30,471.45 from the out-of-network hospital where I detoxed in January and it made me angry at the treatment center that sent me there all over again. I had no choice but to go unless, in my dire condition, I wanted to pay several hundred bucks for a cab to take me back to Orlando an hour away, which wasn't much of a choice. I'm angry at the treatment center that, even after discharge from the hospital, would belligerently not admit me, and I'm angry at the well-meaning friends who insisted I go in the first place when I could have detoxed myself at home using Ativan, clonidine and propranolol (not like I haven't done it before) and saved me this nightmare hospital bill.

If anyone is reading this and considering treatment, most treatment is a sham. You don't have to pay a treatment center thousands of dollars to get well. Many of them are counting on you for repeat business. All you need to get better is a genuine desire not to drink or use again, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist with reasonable copays that will help you sort out your psychiatric and psychological problems and a strong support network (in my case, a good sponsor who is helping me work a solid program).
 
aihfl said:
Well, I got a bill in the mail this morning for $30,471.45 from the out-of-network hospital where I detoxed in January and it made me angry at the treatment center that sent me there all over again. I had no choice but to go unless, in my dire condition, I wanted to pay several hundred bucks for a cab to take me back to Orlando an hour away, which wasn't much of a choice. I'm angry at the treatment center that, even after discharge from the hospital, would belligerently not admit me, and I'm angry at the well-meaning friends who insisted I go in the first place when I could have detoxed myself at home using Ativan, clonidine and propranolol (not like I haven't done it before) and saved me this nightmare hospital bill.

If anyone is reading this and considering treatment, most treatment is a sham. You don't have to pay a treatment center thousands of dollars to get well. Many of them are counting on you for repeat business. All you need to get better is a genuine desire not to drink or use again, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist with reasonable copays that will help you sort out your psychiatric and psychological problems and a strong support network (in my case, a good sponsor who is helping me work a solid program).
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Get a lawyer, and try to get out of the bill. Sounds a bit scammy to me.

Stay strong man. I'm glad I never tried IOP or in-patient, just real simple 5 mins in and out out-patient suboxone.
 
Thank you CH. Actually I do have a couple of malpractice attorneys interested in the case and have scheduled consults. The fact that my options were to go to the out of network hospital or be out on the street in a shitkicker little town an hour from home is more than likely negligence.
 
It sounds like they pressured you into their services, and yes continue the legal route.

I’m hoping for the best for you man.
 
Spoke to a paralegal today and got some more info. I own my home outright so the hospital can't file a lien on it since there's no mortgage, and legally, there's no way for them to legally force me to liquidate assets just in order to pay their bill. I don't want to sound flip about this, but it can't make me homeless, and since medical debt can no longer affect credit scores, fuck it. Worst case scenario, I just walk away. I have so little in the way of liquid cash right now, it won't be worth their while to take it to court to try and get their hands on it.

The promotion at work is finally coming together. I'll be splitting my time, at least until November, between home in Florida and New Jersey.

My friend from AA, my ex and I won at trivia again last night. Won a $25 bar tab, so don't have to worry about paying for my weekly chicken enchiladas and Diet Coke for another week.

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Woohoo! Going to see Lewis Black on my birthday! This one is number 45 so I wanted to make it somewhat special (not special enough to take an around the world trip), so thank you Lewis Black!

xf689k.jpg
 
Princeton. And thank you for the birthday wishes. It's not for a while but I'm sure it'll be sold out so I got my tickets immediately when they went on sale this morning. Between Lewis Black and Larry David, they say everything I wish I could say.
 
aihfl said:
Spoke to a paralegal today and got some more info. I own my home outright so the hospital can't file a lien on it since there's no mortgage, and legally, there's no way for them to legally force me to liquidate assets just in order to pay their bill. I don't want to sound flip about this, but it can't make me homeless, and since medical debt can no longer affect credit scores, fuck it. Worst case scenario, I just walk away. I have so little in the way of liquid cash right now, it won't be worth their while to take it to court to try and get their hands on it.

The promotion at work is finally coming together. I'll be splitting my time, at least until November, between home in Florida and New Jersey.

My friend from AA, my ex and I won at trivia again last night. Won a $25 bar tab, so don't have to worry about paying for my weekly chicken enchiladas and Diet Coke for another week.

xzqdv.jpg
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Wow great news man!

I twice did that, basically told them to shove it. Angrily. No collection agencies, no bills. Not on my credit. :)

It is important to know the law and your rights: so glad things are looking well for you man!

Another reason why I never want a mortgage; rent or own outright. Mortgages are rarely a good idea.
 
So this photo gave me a good laugh. This weekend weather guy on the CBS station used to be the main weather guy on the ABC station when I first came to town in the 90s. He was a raging alcoholic and used to do the weather completely shitfaced, which was extremely entertaining. I remember as storms were blowing in one evening, he said it was "time to roll grandma in off the front lawn." I know people who know him in Orlando recovery circles who say he's been sober for decades, but he's still kinda nuts and I was left wondering what an anthropomorphic alligator has to do with his weather map.

nb3qjm.jpg
 
Had my last session with the psychologist I've been seeing today. Walked away from it with diagnoses for anxiety (both general and acute - panic), OCD, moderate ADHD and mild autism, what would have been called Asberger's in the past. Tests for PTSD were inconclusive. I had been taking clonidine for ADHD because I also had high blood pressure but since I've kicked the booze, it was making my blood pressure too low and I had to stop taking it. I need to talk to both the GP and the psychiatrist about perhaps lowering my dose of lisinopril (currently on the max dose of 40mg) and going back on the clonidine, or going back on a low dose of a traditional stimulant ADHD medication like Adderral, Ritalin or Vyvanse. He also said I need to find a clinical psychologist with real clinical experience, especially handling autism cases and that unless I just wanted to pay to talk to someone (I do that for free at AA) seeing a therapist or substance abuse counselor was pointless. I knew the latter was true - if it wasn't I would have stopped drinking and downers long ago, but I didn't know what to do about it. He didn't refer me to anyone but told me that thanks to Obamacare, if there are no in-network providers that fit my needs, they have to pony up for an out-of-network provider and told me to make an appointment at Florida Blue Cross Blue Shield to get a list. At least I am now armed with information about where to go from here, whereas before I just felt like I was spinning my wheels.
 
Hi - do you think it could be Blue Cross's fault for not approving more providers? I have commercial insurance (through an employer) and I face the same issues. Sometimes, you can call the insurance, and ask them to let you go to a specific place you like - especially if they have no in-network providers for that service. If you are turned down, you have the right to file an appeal, and that could get you your wish. The appeal is what worked for me. Good Luck!

Also, most insurers let you search their website for in-network doctors. Give it a try?

Dale
 
aihfl said:
So this photo gave me a good laugh. This weekend weather guy on the CBS station used to be the main weather guy on the ABC station when I first came to town in the 90s. He was a raging alcoholic and used to do the weather completely shitfaced, which was extremely entertaining. I remember as storms were blowing in one evening, he said it was "time to roll grandma in off the front lawn." I know people who know him in Orlando recovery circles who say he's been sober for decades, but he's still kinda nuts and I was left wondering what an anthropomorphic alligator has to do with his weather map.

nb3qjm.jpg
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Here he is in his younger years... a commenter references the "granny" line!! :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e2Duqb7kg0
 
Thanks for finding that video. What a blast from the past. And I love that 80s era computer weather map. He's a real character all right. This was before my time but back in the 1980s when the architectural renderings of the SunTrust bank tower were unveiled he blurted out on air, "That is the ugliest building I've ever seen in my life."
 
^ Rolling "granny in off the lawn" reminds me of David Sedaris' writing about his old Greek grandma with dementia. They used to get calls from these neighbors down the street when Grandma, dressed in endless layers of black clothing, would wander away: "Can you please come get your Grandmother? She is in our pool again."=D
 
SoCal424 said:
Hi - do you think it could be Blue Cross's fault for not approving more providers? I have commercial insurance (through an employer) and I face the same issues. Sometimes, you can call the insurance, and ask them to let you go to a specific place you like - especially if they have no in-network providers for that service. If you are turned down, you have the right to file an appeal, and that could get you your wish. The appeal is what worked for me. Good Luck!

Also, most insurers let you search their website for in-network doctors. Give it a try?

Dale
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Weeeeellll keeeeeeerap...Everyone who has called me back from the list Florida Blue Cross gave me deals only with kids. I had a somewhat awkward conversation with one who was returning my phone call who thought I was calling about sessions for my kid (don't have any). That was slightly embarrassing.

I made an appointment with the psychiatrist next month (I'm not scheduled to see him again until August) to talk about this, and going back on ADHD meds. I'm getting some no-so-positive feedback from work so I need something other than coffee and cigarettes to keep me focused on small details.
 
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