I can't stop.

[d1ahp]

I can't stop.

I've battled opiate addiction since I was a 16 year old boy. I'm turning 26 in a couple of days.

I've had 2.5 year long period of sobriety between the ages of 21 and 23, even then I'd use every once in a while. Which is what eventually brought me where I am today.

The problem today is that I'm not a 16 anymore, I don't live with my parents. I have a lot of responsibilities, including those who can't fend for themselves.

I've lost everything. I have debt. About 13 grand in credit cards, 8 grand in medical bills, 2k for renovations and about a grand for misc stuff. I was a functioning, bringing money home addict until I wasn't.

Everyday is about getting high, not anything else. I've been to detox places, rehabs and meetings. The desire to get high takes the cake. I've ruined relationships and betrayed trust. Those who are the closest to me turn their faces away from me.

Some still stand with me, but they hate as much as they used to love me.

Joined the Methadone clinic 2 weeks ago. Trying to not wreck my dosage like the last time. While I feel the methadone, I'm ok, when it's gone I start scheming.

I don't know how to create those Psychosocial changes one needs to change who they are. At this point, I can barely afford the dose and gas money for gas guzzler car.

This is what happens when you do drugs kids. God forbid you find the one that "completes" you. Sooner that later you'll end up like me.

 

[w0w0mg]

I know exactly where you're coming from.
I have tried everything and always end up back into that vicious cycle.
I am the kind of addict that will try to get clean off one thing and end up doing another drug.
Example; I was on methadone for almost 2 years and I started IVing cocaine and mixing benzos.

Honestly, you have to hit your bottom..
I have hit so many bottoms and I am finally wanting to make a change.
I am trying to detox of IV heroin and it's hard.
I keep making slip ups and sometimes make a few steps back, but I do have the DESIRE to get clean.
I am not giving up, and I think wanting to get clean is the first step to actually getting clean.
You just can not give up or you will end up in jail or dead.
I use to love not only the drug but the life style too.
Psychological part of addiction is different for each person. Everyone is different.
I know that from personal experience the longer I am clean the cravings lessen.

Pretty much all I am saying here is you need to want to stop using or you will just end up relapsing.
Find happiness in something else, so what the real under lining issues are.

Much love friend. I hope everything gets better.

 

[herbavore]

Congratulations on attempting to stop the out-of-control habit. It's tough when you have been on it for so long and since such an early age but it is never too late to undo.

Tackle things separately. Your money woes are one thing, your habit another. Go to a debt counselor and get some advice (and hope!) for getting out of debt. Live on cash only and lock your cards up. I've made a game of it when I'm broke. I like to challenge myself to see how little I really need and then the further challenge is how to get that for next to nothing.

Developing strategies for everything that led you to feel "completed" by heroin (or any drug) is a process, a way of life, a journey that you take completely solo. It does not have to be scary or overwhelming if you can learn to forgive yourself and accept that you are simply one more human being trying the best you can with what you were given. Listen to your desires--ask yourself what they really are. For most of us, our desire is simply to be known, to be recognized and loved for who we truly are. We defeat our own ability to have this by remaining ignorant about who we truly are! So start there. Who are you? Who do you want to be? What is important to you? Some form of meditation may be very transformative for you--even if it is starting each and every morning with a quiet 5 minutes where you consciously observe negative or limiting thoughts and reframe them into positives. (I.E. changing "I am a failure" into "I am just beginning to understand how to work on this".) There is no timetable for this. You are still very young and you have your whole life to create. Take it one day at a time. explore some of the great resources that are available online for real strategies like Mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, meditation, exploration of the roots of addiction, etc. Inspire rather than judge yourself.

I'm 62 and still humbled by all the habitual thinking I do that shapes my perceptions of myself and my world. Question the authority of your thoughts!