I cant handle this anymore

[Znegative]

I went and did a two week detox to get me from 10-12 mg of xanax/day to 1 mg of klonopin, and also to detox me off my book a day heroin habit and I got on suboxone again.

I now am pretty fucking miserable. I often cannot sleep at night, and I crave so bad for coke, and the only way I can stop those cravings is to think about killing myself. I know it sounds super dramatic, but I really do consider it, the only thing that makes me not follow through is the thought of my family finding me dead, and the fact that maybe I will manage to get enough money together in the near future to cop again. I really don't care about the dope anymore, that's the funny thing. It's just the coke and the benzo's. I love waking up in the morning feeling jittery but knowing that I'll soon be feeling fucking good once that xanax hits, and I CANNOT get the thought of all those bell ringing good times I spent alone, mutilating myself with syringes.

I can't say I hate my life because I was given a good one, but I do hate myself because I feel like I've fucked everything up. I always thought dope was bad, but this coke garbage has me fiending like I never have before, and unfortunately there's no suboxone or methadone for a speed junky.

 

[Legerity]

Hey man keep holding on to the thoughts of your family. You're able to see that there are people that care about you and that's really important. If you can find people to talk to about this it could be very helpful.

And you don't have to hate yourself, no matter how many mistakes you think you've made. We all have different experiences that we can choose to see as "mistakes" but that we end up learning a lot from in the end. So there is no reason to live with constant guilt. Be good to yourself!

 

[*Venus*]

Man what do you say to that when you've been there and know that there aren't enough sincere consolations in the world that will make things better?

The fact that you are reaching out is more promising than you can probably recognize right now. I'm grateful that you are still optimistic (conscious or not) enough to hope for a better life, even if it seems impossible to imagine.

Things can always get better. Get to some meetings and get in good company to get outside of your head. You still have benzos and subs, you'll come to appreciate the lesser dose once your tolerance adjusts.

::hugs::

 

[TheLostBoys]

Thank goodness I never enjoyed coke like one of my friends. I only did it 4 or 5 times in my life & never enjoyed it any time & from what I was told, it was some of the best on the eastcoast. I had to drink some wine every time to level me off. I hate the feeling of my heart pounding like its about to jump out & so on. I enjoy opiates to stimulants & will never switch back.

 

[jctoona84]

Reaching out is a good sign! Think of the things you're thankful for and the good things to come. You'll get through this!

 

[webbykevin]

Dont get mad with yourself, get mad at the drugs.

You'll get through this mate, you are bigger than this, you are stronger than this, and afterwards your knowledge and experience could help countless others.

The greatest warriors are the ones that ride the edges of the frontiers mate, we are proud of you, just hang on till the rides over, we all believe in you.