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i cant go on like this...

Serotonin101

Serotonin101

Moderator: SIED
Staff member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
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Problems all started on may 15, 2011. I got too messed up driving and ended up rear ending a cop car. I was booked and charged with a dwi. October rolls around and I'd been staying out of trouble and then I get booked for misdemeanor shop lifting. No biggy. This.past Sunday I get.arrested with syringes and four buttons of heroin (stl and chi town people know what this is). So that's a felony possession charge pending now. And to top it all off, I was.driving my girlfriend soon to be fiances car and I was a little high but not much. I dropped a lit cig in my lap and during the panic I swerved a little and got pulled over. I got arrested for dui even though I passed the field sobriety test. She didn't have insurance on the vehicle and a suspended license. Her car got impounded which is her way of getting towork. I think.she's.going to leave me now. So let's count my charges: 2 duis and a felony possession charge. I'm screwed. I have nothing left if I lose her which I probably will. I just wanna go cop one last time and end it all. My parents are done with me so ill end up homeless. I'm broke and will lilely do time. I have successfully ruined my life and hurt those that I love. If I end it all now I can finally lift the burden I put on these wonderful and loving people. So my question to everyone at TDS is why should I bother going on? I've pretty much killed any opportunity of getting a job due to this rough economy. And most of all I hurt the woman I love with all my heart. So why should I keep going? Thanks to all at the BL family for your unconditional love and support. I wish I could just live on through my account with no physical presence. If I decide to do this ilk post ny goodbyes before u pass on to the next realm. I love you all. Peace
 
Have you looked through the Suicide Support Thread? There is much help in there. I always tell myself that theres something better around the corner if I continue, or I address whatever problems may be at hand and deal with it step by step and improve it. I know what its like to want to end it but I haven't been in a situation like yours, you can pm me if you wish, I'm not sure exactly how I can help but I can give you my perspective.
 
Fight the 2nd dui charge. It sounds like they just saw your record and threw it at you because they thought it might stick.
 
It just feels hopeless. I've pretty much ruined my life... I'm scheduled to go to a 30 day inpatient program next week. Maybe that could help my cases. Idk. I got a $50 check I could use in combination with money to get a literal killer rush. I don't see any hope, no more light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanna sleep for like 10 years (I'm only 20). Do you think I stand a chance of fighting the second dui? Ugh that t mobile commercial with the creepy elves came on. Ick
 
Nothing is fixed, nothing lasts forever, This will all pass.

It may seem like an unsolvable situation at the moment but in a strange way you have really started to clear the decks of your life from a lot of clutter, A clean slate is appearing or will appear, you are not stuck and you have the chance at your age (at any age really) to totally re-invent yourself, you can be anything you want to be, you are whatever you tell yourself you are.

Hang in there bro, you will get through this, you are bigger than all this crap.

I know it seems hard right now, but trust me, things always always change, NOTHING LASTS.
 
Serotonin101 -

Please give yourself more credit, dear. You say that you're finally lifting the burden off these wonderful people, but there is a flaw in that. Your concern for their well-being indicates you're quite a decent enough person. Even decent people make mistakes - long ones, terrible ones. Webbykevin makes an excellent point: the reason you should keep going is because you're still going. Make it through this, you'll be unstoppable. My mum lost the house and my brothers were nearly taken from her when she spiralled out of control with ice; it took four years, but now she's in love with someone with plans for the future, and I've never seen her happier. In my life.. And I'm 26! I don't mean to pull personal comparison out with you, but I felt it helped illustrate my point.

Just try not to put off getting to know yourself, even if you feel your headspace is terrifying at the moment. You've already done that a bit now, just by posting here, so I have faith that you're on a nice start! Prayers and positive energy are on the way, mate. It will be a long journey, but we're here for you every step of the way. :)
 
I'm dearly sorry mate. If you can stick it out and hang in there - you will likely show countless other people, who use this site, that there is a way out of the 'dark place' -- even when there does not seem to be a light at the end. Much love <3
 
You can't control the past but you can control the choices you make starting now. Think of detox as your second chance. You are still very young and have so much life left to live. If you live until your 80, that's 60 more years left to do what you want! You can certainly pick up the pieces but it has to be a choice. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Prove to your parents that you are committed to making a change and hopefully they won't kick you out. Even if it's something that may seem silly (like signing or contract or something), you would have a better chance at success with a roof over your head. Good luck and everybody has it in them to make that change!
 
Ok, so you've hit bottom. This is where your addiction has taken you. Your circumstances are EXTREMELY COMMON and
will give an opportunity to turn your life around. A good defense attorney can get into a diversion program and get your
charges reduced. But your have to take your inpatient program seriously, because you are being given a second chance.

It's more than just about fighting the charges. It's about fighting for your life.
 
Well my girlfriend came over today and everything went fine with the impound lot so that went really well. Then she came over, I changed her tail light on her ride (cream colored cavalier lol). But we had some intimate time and demonstrated our love to eachother. So everything is good between me and her. Were back to talking about moving in together and getting maried. I'm seeing some light now at the end of this god awful tunnel. I love her so much. Thank you tk the BL family.
 
Im glad things with ur chick went good man :)
I can tell u iv been in pretty similar situation but not quite the same,
Kinda like I hit my bottom I guess...
And for me too there was only 1 thing I really cared about other then bangin dope

My chick.
Im not sure if she uses with you or not...
But mine didnt and she was a huge factor in me wanting to quit.
I fucked over fam n friends (all for dope money) n burned bridges with everyone.

But when I seen what my drug problem did to my girl, it fucking devistated me 4 reals

Im on suboxone now. Alot of it I did for her. She stuck around with me through my fucked up low points.
She deserved it from me to stop ruining my life. Our life with that shit. :'(

Srry if that part dont apply lol...
But life goes on man, and life is fucking beautiful. Fuck the junk, take ur shot at sobriety at the rehab seriously since ur gunna be there anyways :p
Keep your head up man, your not alone in this. U might feel that way sometimes but I guarentee u got people that would shed mad tears if they werent able to ever see your face again.
 
serotonin, most have already said what I would like you to consider but I will try to illustrate it with this: the man that offered the most help and the best example of what was possible to my son in his addiction was a guy that had overcome a 25 year heroin habit, multiple incarcerations and burned all his bridges countless times. He survived and he overcame his addiction but more importantly, he went on to achieve both peace within himself and true meaning in his life from helping others. My son and many other addicts respected him because of his history and despite it at the same time.

You have the opportunity to create a life that builds on the experiences you have had up to now. You do not need to deny what you have done but to accept responsibility and then begin the process of forgiving yourself so that you can move in a new direction. Your concern for those you have hurt is genuine and I hope that you know that ending your life would compound their pain a thousandfold. Getting through all this is going to take incredible strength and determination but the reward for you is huge.

Keep talking to us here. There are so many people that have stood where you now stand that can give you support.
 
As has already been stated 'nothing lasts forever'.No matter how bad things seem at the time they will eventually get better.
I have had a lot of bad times in my life but now whenever I feel like giving up I just remind myself that when I have felt like that in the past that it has never lasted long and things always improved somehow.
You are still young, be a survivor and maybe you can help others in the future who are at rock bottom.
All the best mate, keep on keeping on.
 
Figure I'd update my situation for my 50th post. Time to be a real part of the bl community. I'm off to rehab tomorrow afternoon to conquer this affliction and hopefully reform myself so I can be a proper person for this god awful society who frowns upon me sticking drugs in needles in my veins for contentness. I probably won't be able to post often but thanks for all the love you've given me. Ill let you all know when I get back and tell of all the useless propoganda they will more than likely try to force on me. Much love to you all.
 
hey, if anything is worth doing, it's worth doing right.

fail happens, and sometimes we just gotta retrain & drive on; just do it with no regrets, no fuckin half-measures.... you know your own truths, nobody else can tell you those things.
 
OP, I went through a similar situation a few years ago. I was engaged, and the guy I was staying with sent his crack dealer to try to rob me, and I lit the kitchen curtain on fire to try to scare off one of the intruders. I was high at the time and in the midst of my addiction. Cops didn't believe my story and they arrested me, and the DA tried to charge me with a felony strike for arson. I was looking at 6 months jail time and possibly 3 years of probation. Lost my fiance as soon as they slapped on the cuffs. Went through jail having to w/d cold turkey from a 3mg a day Ativan habit, and several other psych meds. Had seizures a few times cuz the withdrawals were so severe. Luckily I had a good lawyer and he got the charge down to a misdemeanor but I still had to serve the 6 months in jail. On top of that my parents practically disowned me and I was looking at being homeless after being released. I went nuts in there, chances are you probably will too. Jail is meant to break you. But I got out a stronger person, went straight to rehab after for 2 months, and finally gained enough trust back from my parents to move back home.
Just know that this isn't the end of the world, even though it might seem like it. And know if you can make it through this you can make it through anything in the future
 
The fact that you're asking for a reason to live shows that deep down a big part of you wants to live, and that's reason enough. Don't give up.
 
Update/necro: im almost 8 months clean (8 months on 5 sep 2012). Things are going well, got into drug court back in march and moving on through all this shit. Im single now but im okay with it. My girl continued to use for a while but shes got a couple weeks clean now. I love her from a distance now. Back in school and drug court is a piece of cake. I love all of you who helped me through this, i owe all of you my heart and sanity. :) <3
 
You are an inspiration, Serotonin.<3 It is very moving to me to read through this thread again and i bet it was for you, too. You fought for yourself. I am so, so happy for you.:D<3
 
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