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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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toothpastedog said:
There is an intensive practice program at UCLA that is intended to be a year long thing, but I've turned it into part of a four year course of study there focused solely on cultivating my own practice and developing the skills to facilitate secular mindfulness education. Sometimes it feels funny sitting in on the same classes time and again (not to mention challenging for the teachers, but that is my job as their student, right?), but honestly that is how I get so much out of it.
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Sounds like a good creative way to stay engaged w/it
toothpastedog said:
It's like Thich Nhat Hanh's whole thing about planting seeds or how the stuff we get out of going on a retreat will only really come home in terms of its value months after the fact. With practice consistency and regularity is important, but it is most definitely quality over quantity with this stuff IME. Development is funny and wonderfully unpredictable sometimes like that.
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Yes, no matter what we do...whether it's tripping balls or living in a new way, integration is the way...Takes commitment though, but it's usually worth it. ;)

*Also, hope you're doing OK Simco!
 
Thanks for asking. Things are going better. I'm still having some mood-related problems. But it doesn't feel as urgent as it did a few days ago.

Mostly, I'm just stuck in that unpleasant head space where you find yourself asking, "what is the point of all this?" I've made a bit of headway in cutting narcotics out of my life. But now I need to fill the vacuum that left. And ultimately the thing I find depressing is that once upon a time, finding things that I'm enthusiastic and excited about was one of my real strong-suits. Having intense, even passionate interests usually comes naturally to me. It's one thing I actually do like about myself. But for almost 5 years, I've been in a spot where I just can't care about anything, at least not for long or very deeply. It's weird; I really miss that about myself.

In my healthier moments I see this as a challenge--time to get myself more squared away. The last few days, the challenge had just been seeming out of reach.
 
Hi Sim,
Just stopping by to say hello... it sounds like you have a lot of insight into your issues... I think that is a huge factor in getting to a resolution. Be well!
 
simco said:
Mostly, I'm just stuck in that unpleasant head space where you find yourself asking, "what is the point of all this?"
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Heh..I totally get that. I asked myself (and 'God'-that is part of me) that question repeatedly long ago in my life....and It came back with the answer "Just because"....I came to the conclusion that living and loving others to the best of my ability and enjoying this as much as possible ....experiencing the feeling of Love...was all Existence wanted of me. I have been happy just 'to Be' ever since. ;)

I get where you're at in all of that...It takes time to settle in. Experiencing the presence of every moment is a good place to get in touch with....then comes realizing all is change and impermanence...but this is also freedom.

It is not a challenge when you just let go.
 
simco said:
Thanks for asking. Things are going better. I'm still having some mood-related problems. But it doesn't feel as urgent as it did a few days ago.

Mostly, I'm just stuck in that unpleasant head space where you find yourself asking, "what is the point of all this?" I've made a bit of headway in cutting narcotics out of my life. But now I need to fill the vacuum that left. And ultimately the thing I find depressing is that once upon a time, finding things that I'm enthusiastic and excited about was one of my real strong-suits. Having intense, even passionate interests usually comes naturally to me. It's one thing I actually do like about myself. But for almost 5 years, I've been in a spot where I just can't care about anything, at least not for long or very deeply. It's weird; I really miss that about myself.

In my healthier moments I see this as a challenge--time to get myself more squared away. The last few days, the challenge had just been seeming out of reach.
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This is exactly where wise effort can really come into play in recovery. It is so important, actually I would say essential, to fill the void left by our harmful patterns of substance use with healthier habits and more skillful preoccupations.

Have you been able to get exercise the past few days? Sometimes I feel like that when I don't get outside enough. Personally, when I get depressed like that it can fuck me up (it is pretty cyclical with me though, and I've been learning to deal with it through a variety of tools).

Tomorrow is always a new day my friend! <3
 
I'm back from two days out of town. Glad to be back on BL, though much less glad to be back home. Whenever I travel, the day before I have to return, I get this sinking feeling in me... like, 'Fuck. Time to go back to the war I left at home."

Driving back home, I was passing endless miles of empty agri-business corn fields. Because of all the recent rain in the Midwest, the soil is saturated, and the landscape was covered in temporary, muddy lakes. Every little brook and creek is swollen over its banks. Quite the apt metaphor for how I feel (it was a long drive...you can tell I had too much time to think about shit)--having soaked up so much, there's no room for anything left, and now everything is sinking underwater.

But...TPD, you're right: exercise seriously helps. As apocalyptic as my feelings are, the truth is that I know I can undercut some of the bad if I push some endogenous endorphins my way. I hit the gym a few times last week, to good effect. Gonna try to make it there again today or tomorrow.
 
Glad yer doin' fine!(<in relation to using-not being patronizing /sigh/) Exercise for that flow state yoooooooo
 
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Feeling at sea these days. I realized I'd extended myself too far with my NA involvement...I was starting to resent people there and generally feeling like I didn't give a fuck.

Trying to replace the time I would have spent at meetings with trips to the gym.

It all fits together well on paper, but I'm still feeling ragged. Gonna try to calm myself down and work on some creative stuff today.
 
I'm with you brother! I have streaks of feeling OK, them BAM!! Fuck the world. You know?

I'm still sober. Over 100 days. Still waiting for the light. I'll message you soon bro.

Thinking of all you guys always..
 
Sixxam said:
I'm with you brother! I have streaks of feeling OK, them BAM!! Fuck the world. You know?

I'm still sober. Over 100 days. Still waiting for the light. I'll message you soon bro.

Thinking of all you guys always..
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Sixx!!! So glad to see your name. I hope you've been holding up. 100 days...that's no joke; keep it up, man.
 
Sixx, Sim and TPD: Hi... Sim, I hear you about resentments at NA, lol... mixing up my meetings by attending P.A. Pills Anonymous... I went to one meeting and the meetings are smaller, and the people very much more down to earth, overall... already shared some inside jokes with a couple other women re: being an opiate pill addict.

I find my creativity is just sparking, all by itself... applying it to cooking new recipes, more veggies, and gardening. Hope it helps, Sim. FWIW: I am still trying to manage the depression and anxiety that comes and goes, as well as the nights where sleep is only a few hours. Comes with the territory I guess. It sure beats being imprisoned by the need to sniff some pills every 2-3 hours!!
 
toothpastedog said:
What kinds of creative stuff do you have planned? I always like creative stuffs :)
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I've got two main projects going on these days...

1. I play music.
2. I'm working on two writing projects (a set of short stories and a non-fiction essay/book pitch).

The music is the one where I let my freak flag fly %)
 
hi sim your story is inspiring...im on day 3 just threw away 23 days sober ..days feel soo long ..its such a hard battle Heroin...it took soo much from me..

p.s. i read all 13 pages congrats on everyones sobriety..maybe one day i too will be their
 
losangeles1993 said:
hi sim your story is inspiring...im on day 3 just threw away 23 days sober ..days feel soo long ..its such a hard battle Heroin...it took soo much from me..

p.s. i read all 13 pages congrats on everyones sobriety..maybe one day i too will be their
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Thanks for reading my thread!

I know it feels super shitty to lose those 23 days. The worst. But here's one way I often think about it. Maybe it'll help...

Ultimately my goal is to abstain from heroin completely. But while I'm moving towards that goal, I'm pretty happy if I can simply reduce the role that heroin plays in my life. Sure, getting rid of the drugs completely will/would be awesome. But until that's possible, it's WAY better to use only rarely than to be using daily like I used to.

In that light, it's awesome that you were able to go without for 23 days. Think how unlikely that would have been once upon a time. It's a huge accomplishment.

Now, if you can keep the frequency and the length of relapses down, you'll be moving in the right direction. It sounds like you cut the most recent lapse off very quickly...so hell yeah!

I hope that makes sense. I'm not encouraging folks to relapse or anything...just trying to put lapses into a broader context.

Good luck. I hope you'll let us know how things shape up.
 
Hi Sim: Thinking of you... hope your writing is going well...and that you are experiencing some serenity and happiness in your life.
 
What up Sims...Glad to see ya hangin' in there ;)

And LosAngeles-You didn't throw away those 23 days...You just showed you could do another 23 ;)
 
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