I can't go a day without some sort of drug

[kingkpin]

I've realized this for a while but just now am I realizing that my addiction has gotten too far. I'm too young to destroy my body completely and need help via input from others who have had the same issue. For years now I have been on SOMETHING every single day of my life. It started with alcohol at 13, then weed at 14, few various pills at 15, psychedelics 16, cough meds & pills 17, now I'm doing literally everything. Now I'm not going to far with it anymore, I used to overdose almost weekly on some shit and wake up in vomit or nearly paralyzed with pain. This is in my past, but my only fear is that my tolerance to opiates is growing very quickly and I've resorted to speed to keep me awake while on it.

I mean I don't take mass amount, like 20mg oxy a day and maybe a few hits of ice, or an adderall. But I've been doing various speedball-like combos for a few months now (dilaudid/oxy/hydro/heroin/kratom +/or adderall/meth/coke/adhd meds & sometimes benzos). I take this to feel NORMAL which is a normal effect that addicts feel when on something long enough. I wasn't happen before drugs but I'm happy on them, which is what I consider the normal feeling (is when I speed and focus, but can also sit back and chill and not worry about a damn thing).

I fucking love being high, I have nothing against drugs but my bank is getting drained and I have chest pains now from constant cigarettes and speedballing. Everyone has noticed that I've lost boundaries on what drugs I'll do, I've always been the one to go too far but now I'm doing the things I said I'd never do.

Simply, how can one be happy without medication, especially if the individual has an addictive personality. I have no fear of death, I'm just not ready yet, and I don't want my family and friends to lose me to some bullshit junkie choice I made (plus I don't want death to be painful because of some sort of organ failure). I want to be happy and healthy and to have peace of mind. I've had peace of mind on and off for the past few years, but that was all dependent on the drugs I was on. I want to be happy on life itself.

 

[kingkpin]

Also I messed up the first paragraph a bit, my mind drifted. I meant the heavy, heavy amounts of drugs were in the past, I take it to make me feel okay now. I don't take it to get FUCKED UP every single day (occasions at parties obviously). I meant I'm on opiates every day, it helps with my anxiety and depression. I'm an over-thinker, I give myself panic attacks just thinking about life (brought on by psychedelic usage), now that I'm too self-aware my reality has become sort of fucked and hard to cope with so I numb it out and make myself feel okay with opiates. I would do it daily if opiate tolerance didn't build so quick, i find myself taking more and more and I don't think my liver can keep up with the acetaminophen. And due to the sleepiness the larger amounts of opiates give me, I take uppers to keep me going through the day, I'm too fucking busy to be having panic attacks about existence, all while doing college and work.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

I actually know exactly how you feel man. I am also a polydrug (ab)user. The only one I consider to be especially problematic is methamphetamine, but if they're available to me and I have the capital, I'll do 'em all: coke, heroin, pills, the occasional psychedelic drug, you know name it. My DOC is stimulants, in particular meth, but I dip in and out of the hard opiate scene as well. I've also been taking a strong liking to kratom recently.

I also smoke weed everyday, and consume massive amounts of caffeine everyday. But I don't really plan on ever stopping those particular habits. Honestly the idea of being completely sober is totally unappealing to me and I don't think I'll ever even try to do it. Cutting out some of the more problematic substances seems like a good idea, though. (Just like I quit smoking tobacco.)

The only common drug I have zero interest in anymore is alcohol, strangely enough. I've grown to hate drinking and drinking culture...drug use kind of ruined booze for me. There are sooo many better drugs out there than ethanol.

 

[kingkpin]

I hate weed which sucks, ever since my heavy psychedelic usage it just makes me feel very derealized and uncomfortable. As for meth, I got into it not long ago, surprisingly I feel so normal on it, not even high. That's why I loved it so much, it works so much better for me than amphetamine salts which sucks, I'd do it all the time if it wasn't so hard on my body. Most other stimulants give me severe anxiety which is why I need to take a downer with it. I wish there was something I could take on a normal basis that isn't terrible for me and doesn't make me look like a fucking junkie (the social sigma behind certain drugs). All of my friends smoke weed daily, or drink at night (which I do). If I could smoke weed I totally would constantly, but I cant so I take things that make me feel similar to what others are feelings. I need something daily though and it sucks, if I dont find something I bug out and call all my dealers non-stop and then go buy cigarettes and take a shot of vanilla extract from the back kitchen at work. I don't want this anymore bro, so many people live life without chemicals why the fuck can't I find solace without it?

 

[kingkpin]

I only enjoy alcohol with adderall/vyvanse or on it's own in small amounts occasionally. Too much on it's own I get kinda quiet and stupid, just a little is nice for me, almost feels like a valium and all anxiety is gone and everythings okay. When I take amps with alcohol I feel like a retard genius who can shoot off ideas and concepts about life and everything around me for hours on end, talking a mile a minute while stumbling down the road.

 

[RDP89]

I known how you feel, I am able to get off drugs,(minus weed, I always do that.)but then I am so irritable and anxious/depressed all the time, that drugs are all I think about. I want to go to psych doc to maybe get a script that will help me, but now Im without insurance. I got off a kratom habit about a month ago, now Im staying away from opioids as theyre just too damn hard to get off/too physically addicting for me. I was doing alot of DXM after that, which helped me quite a bit, but with too many side effects. Im knid of climbing the walls now with only cannabis and coffee every day. Hopefully I get this job im applying for and insurance so I can see a dr, don't know how much good it will do though. All I can say is hang in there, alot of us out there in the same boat, and sometimes it feels like no one understands, but that's what Bluelight is for, I reckon. Today Im contemplating drinking, but alcohol was a big addiction for me in the past, so Im trying t stay away. Sometimes I get sick of trying tho.

 

[SmokingAces]

I cant either but I've learnt that booze and weed is much less evil than stims/benzos/god knows what. Nothing seems so crippling to the health as daily stimulant abuse.

 

[manboychef]

You might want to look into abstinence, or being prescribed your medications for a doctor. It seems like drugs have become so ingrained and commonplace in your life that you may need a stint in rehab to separate yourself from those for a while until you can start acting in your own best interest again.

 

[GregSmith20]

If your gonna do drugs no matter what maybe you should try psychiatric drugs.
I was opposed to them for a long time but at this point they seem to help without many side effects. I found the loss of sex drive from SSRIs gets better over time.