Hector
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2004
- Messages
- 309
This whole sobriety thing. I was two months clean off a long term benzo habit among other things and it was the most depressing, soul destroying time of my life. My anxiety was crippling and I felt unable to leave the house. When I did I was aware that people could sense my anxiety and as a result were negatively prejudging me and targeting me for ridicule.
I left the house less and less and soon I was also battling depression about the situation I was in. I tried going to doctors, NA, self help books and mindfulness. NA was a place I'd half heartedly been to on numerous occasions in the past and the others in the group were fully aware of my using and lack of commitment. By going back I just feel as though people will think I'm just another relapse away. A serial liar and a complete bore who is only tolerated because that's the NA way.
Now, I'm three weeks in on a benzo, booze and stims bender. I don't remember much but looking through my diary i see I've achieved a lot more than in my clean time. Thing is i feel guilty about it. I live with my parents and they found out. They didn't go mad I think they're just ashamed but at the same time I think they're glad I'm not so reliant on them when it comes to going out. They want their own lives, they're retirement age and me at age 34, like others my own age I should be in work, have my own place, be married and all those things that society expects of a grown man. If you have none of those things then you're viewed as a hopeless loser who clearly has some major malfunction going on. Suicide has crossed my mind a number of times but I've tried doing so in the past and that just led to me bringing more shame on my family because I fucked that up too.
I don't know what to do. It's like I have to decide which hell is worse living in. Maybe it doesn't get better for some people and life is a gruelling, hopeless struggle. I guess I can be grateful that i'm not living in some third world country.
I don't really know why I posted this, maybe I just needed to get it out or maybe I'm expecting someone to have a magic solution. I'd give up everything I own to just be happy but I don't think I ever will be.
I left the house less and less and soon I was also battling depression about the situation I was in. I tried going to doctors, NA, self help books and mindfulness. NA was a place I'd half heartedly been to on numerous occasions in the past and the others in the group were fully aware of my using and lack of commitment. By going back I just feel as though people will think I'm just another relapse away. A serial liar and a complete bore who is only tolerated because that's the NA way.
Now, I'm three weeks in on a benzo, booze and stims bender. I don't remember much but looking through my diary i see I've achieved a lot more than in my clean time. Thing is i feel guilty about it. I live with my parents and they found out. They didn't go mad I think they're just ashamed but at the same time I think they're glad I'm not so reliant on them when it comes to going out. They want their own lives, they're retirement age and me at age 34, like others my own age I should be in work, have my own place, be married and all those things that society expects of a grown man. If you have none of those things then you're viewed as a hopeless loser who clearly has some major malfunction going on. Suicide has crossed my mind a number of times but I've tried doing so in the past and that just led to me bringing more shame on my family because I fucked that up too.
I don't know what to do. It's like I have to decide which hell is worse living in. Maybe it doesn't get better for some people and life is a gruelling, hopeless struggle. I guess I can be grateful that i'm not living in some third world country.
I don't really know why I posted this, maybe I just needed to get it out or maybe I'm expecting someone to have a magic solution. I'd give up everything I own to just be happy but I don't think I ever will be.