I can't control my drug use

[CrimpJiggler]

I did a pretty good job of getting clean, I quit everything (I had been doing amphetamines regularly for years and all sorts of different drugs for the comedowns including GHB, opiates, and benzos) and I went 2 weeks there without touching any drugs besides a bit of trazodone to help with w/d symptoms but I gave into the urge and took 30mg amphetamine + 1mg etizolam just there. This pattern has been repeating for months now, I quit for a week or two but get fed up with it and decide to have a short binge, then I quit again. This is completely hindering my recovery. I don't even have bad w/d symptoms to deal with, I feel good every day and can sleep easily most nights but it bothers me that I'm wasting time doing nothing (I think I have low dopamine from all those years of amphetamine use) so I give into the urge to take amps and get stuff done. I have to take benzos with the amps because the benzo w/d symptoms + amps give me mad anxiety and agitation.

My life is really easy right now, I took the year off college to get off drugs and I can live in my mothers house and not worry about working so I can pay the rent etc. I can't imagine how hard getting clean must be for people with harder lives (i.e. people who can't just take a year off). Any of you who have gotten clean, can you give me some advise on how to do it. I need to get back to baseline so I can find healthier solutions to my problems (my main one is atypical depression which manifests as drowsiness) but I have no idea how long that will take. I'm thinking about becoming a Buddhist monk for 6 months or so, I know where I can do that, I won't have access to drugs there and I'll be forced to live a healthy lifestyle and practice meditation. This monastery I have in mind is in another country and its in the middle of nowhere. I already know the monks there and I know they'll let me stay with them. They'll let me work in exchange for the accomidation and food (although I'll probably pay them a small fee anyway). Does that sound like a good idea? Has anyone here taken this approach?

 

[purple corduroys]

I was addicted to opiates for about 3 years (and experimented with everything else too), with a nice little subsidiary addiction to mainlining coke. Underlying that was major depression and PTSD. I've now been clean for over 6 years with no significant relapses. Five keys to my getting and staying clean:
1.) I moved 800 miles away, back in with my family.
2.) I told my family that I was struggling with addiction - so I couldn't hide anymore.
3.) I took suboxone and stayed on it for a LONG time - long enough to stabilize my brain chemistry after years of drug abuse. 4 years. Spent the last whole year trying to get off of it. A lifesaver for me because it allowed me to shine a light on all my addictive behavior without itself being harmful. It seems like a well-designed drug to me- ZERO pleasure and all the negatives.
3. A.) I took antidepressants (still do) - once I found a combo that started to work, I have stayed on these- it has also served to stabilize my brain chemistry.
4.) I did a lot of hard work in therapy to uncover the root of my existential malaise and work on it.
5.) I just f-ing stuck it out. This is a long road. You probably won't feel normal for years. The best you can do is try to get by and chip away at your problems one by one by making tiny, incremental improvements over time. There were so many hours, days, weeks, literally months that I felt like jumping out of my skin and couldn't go 15 seconds without thinking of drugs. Then one time I felt blessed relief and awe at the fact that I hadn't thought about using drugs for a whole hour. Then several hours. Eventually (and this took at least 6 months) I stopped obsessing on it all the time. I was lucky too in that I could stay with my Dad and get my bearings. But I wouldn't have made it had I not forced myself to get a job, any job, and though it was utterly meaningless and hopeless, put one foot in front of the other on my way to independence.

I think your going to live in a monastery for 6 months is a great idea. Be totally serious with yourself about the radical commitment this will take. Removing yourself from the environment that triggers your cravings DOES help, and if you can get some solid clean-time under your belt, you'll be stronger when you return to face it. Just make a commitment to yourself that you won't betray your friends, these monks. If you're going to do it, go all in, 100%. Don't allow thoughts in the back of your mind such as "it's only an x-hour train ride to Bangkok" to develop- don't indulge in fantasies - and don't give yourself a back-door. If you go and do this, do it for real. Hell, take me with you! ;-)

Best of luck my friend. You're young enough and privileged enough that if you put your mind to it and ask for help, you can probably succeed. Love to read about your experiences later if you do go. Keep a journal.

 

[CrimpJiggler]

Thanks. Since I was 14, I was always high on something 24/7 with some breaks in between, now I'm 25 and I've been off drugs for longer than I ever have in my life. What antidepressant are you on? Hows you ability to function these days? I know I have many psychological issues and I have repressed memories about something and I think they're part of the underlying causes of the problems that inspired me to self medicate so I'm gonna have to figure out how to sort all that out. I'm not religious but when I feel doomed, I ask God to help me find a solution and the answer that pops into my head is always the same. I need to go and do ayahuasca. Have you looked into it yourself? There are Santo Daime churches in America and Europe, its far more economically viable and safer to do it with them for your first time, than go to South America. Iboga is also known to cure PTSD and sort out the underlying psychological issues, negative beliefs and even physical ailments that make one feel like they need to be on drugs 24/7.

I'll gladly go to a monastery with a like minded person facing similar issues. The monastery I have in mind is in Europe though, not Asia. Its run by Vietnamese monks, the head monk is Thich Naht Hahn.

 

[purple corduroys]

I take a combination of cymbalta & wellbutrin. Cymbalta is an SSRI and SNRI and Wellbutrin is dopaminergic, as I understand it - in other words, a pretty solid combo. I am doing better these days, although for many years it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed and slog through the work day and i'd literally sleep for 12-15 hours every night. I still don't have much energy to cook or clean or do the thousands of little maintenance chores that are required to get by in our society... so I spend a lot of money having someone clean my house and do my laundry and buying prepared foods. The biggest thing for me now is finding a way to make my life meaningfu by engaging my talents in my work. I know that I will just muddle along in semi-depression, not really living, just tolerating being alive, if I don't find a way to use my talents. I've finally gotten the ball rolling on completing some schoolwork that will help me get there, and it feels much better to have started. I am hoping that I'll be able to discontinue the antidepressants in another year or two.

I have read a lot about ayahuasca and iboga - and about all drugs. It's very tempting for us to think that there is a chemical way out for us. If curing addiction and PTSD could actually be accomplished simply by taking ayahuasca or iboga, a lot fewer people would be suffering from those diseases. It takes a lot of hard work and there is no easy solution. If your heart is telling you to pursue that plant medicine, however, I would listen to it! One psychedelic experience is probably not going to cure you though, so if you find that expectation lurking somewhere in mind, be wary of it. You are the one that has to do the tough work of confronting those monsters and conquering them and it's going to be an ongoing process. For sure plant allies can help us transform our consciousness and reclaim our power. I would suggest go to the monastery for 6 months, follow the rules and stick it out with steely resolve. That will lay the groundwork for you to make the best use of the plant ally- you will steady your mind and body through meditation and rigorous discipline. Then go somewhere sacred with a group of other seekers and healers and engage with the plant medicine - not just once but daily, for a week or two.

That's what I'd do if I were in your shoes.

That is a very brave path.

I have taken the "safer" / less bold path and the slowness of my progress is, most of the time, tremendously discouraging. I did notice, however, that I went through periods of accelerated growth and transformation, and then would tend to plateau or backslide again... so I do believe that results can be catalyzed quickly under the right circumstances. Just don't fall into the trap of thinking that you can take a drug to solve your problems.

Studying under a master such as Thich Naht Hahn is a great privilege and if you have the opportunity and can commit to it, do it!

And keep a journal.