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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I cant break the cycle :(

Hear hear! Great thread. I've been on and off for 6 years now... started recreationally dipping in and out at weekends but then experienced a few personal knocks three years ago and rather than go see a doc for anti-depressants (didn't want to be dependent on a drug.... oh the irony....) I decided to take a little of the bad stuff... before I knew it I was a full blown addict and have now lost my family, friends and life... having my last bag ahead of starting subs/bupr tomorrow - which sounds great but then I've been here so many times before... I make it to the third or fourth day and then cave in.. could slap myself over the stupidity of it all. Have put myself into pw a few times now and yet seem to get over the worst before going back out there and getting just enough H for a day or so... was told years ago that three days continuous use is the longest you can go before physical wd is felt after stopping (seems about right) but then there I am four days, five days, six days later and still using and hey presto the mental and physical anguish I just put myself through to come off was a complete waste of time. My problem is my head - I think far too much and the H helps numb any serious thought. I love being wrapped in that warm cocoon but then hate myself for what I'm doing. I've alienated pretty much everyone in my life and what's also scary is it's a two way thing - I hate everyone at times... anyway, sorry for my long ramble - I started writing this as it is heartening to know there are others going through this same shit. I'm a newbie to this forum but seems like there are a lot of like minded people who understand the misery and agony I feel /am going through - hopefully this time my stopping is permanent... can only hope for the best. Have never been suicidal or self harmed but I do wonder the longer I continue with this destructive cycle how I'm going to be able to keep going. Again, sorry for the rambling - hopefully next time I'm on here I'm a clean bean. Wish me luck please x

final thought - can't wait until I can shit normally again - someone once described pooing when addicted as shitting a pineapple sideways - I can only agree. My arse will be the first to thank me if I can stay clean :)
 
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