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I cant belive this!!!

N

needtobe

Greenlighter
Joined
May 10, 2013
Messages
5
Location
North East
Hello people! I always read post about drugs and stopping drugs, but I never post anything! Before I type let me say 2 things, one I hate writing so please forgive me for poor spelling and grammar, 2- sorry if I am posting this is the wrong section!! Here is my story (I will keep this short) I started using oxy 5 years ago, and about 1.5 years ago I went for help. I was prescribed suboxone to help with the withdrawal and it works wonders, but I’m sure EVERY one can agree with this IT DOESN’T HELP WITH THE HARDEST THING!!!!!!! Getting over the routine, feeling, sensations, CRAVING!!! I still go to the doctor every 3 weeks** to get my script of suboxone, but I learned from experience that if I wait 3 full days after last dose I can take oxy. I went 6 months without using then I relapsed after that it became once a month then once every 3 weeks then one every 2 weeks and so on… (I am probably going to get kicked out of *rehab* cause I keep missing appointments but I have enough suboxone to last me YEARS! So that is not a factor) now I am growing my own poppy plants to feed my addiction! My question is this, has any one reading this overcome addiction, if so WHAT IS YOUR TRICK??? I don’t care what it is please tell me!! Maybe it’s just me but I feel that I am myself when I use! Most people write “I want to feel normal again or I want this cloud gone”.. I 100% disagree with that, I fell if I don’t use then I am not me…. Here is an example if I stop using then I will stop hanging out with friends ( none of them use drugs) I will never leave the house except for work, I am the most boring person EVER if I don’t use!!!! Anyone have any insight? PLEASEEEEEEEEEE
 
I know the feeling that you are feeling. Unfortunately, the only way you are going to stop using is for your tolerance to get so high that you stop getting anything out of the drugs, or you hit some sort of rock bottom that makes you realize the drug isn't really giving you what you think it is.

Opiates were always a performance enhancer for me. I was a better person when I was using. I was miserable when I wasn't using. I have no reason to stop using, but some very small part of me knows that this train soon will come to a crashing, derailing stop. So I hold on to that little part of me and I try my hardest to cut down my usage and figure out ways to reprogram my triggers, or in the very least understand them.

The bottom line comes down to the fact that you do not want to quit. So you're not going to. That's the plain and simple!
 
Great point... I have no rebuttal to that.... At one point I REALLLY wanted to quit, and I went and got help (I hit rock bottom). Then I saw who I really was?? and I didnt like it AT ALL!!! is it possible some of us are just meant to use? people with adhd or tourettes syndrome always use medication to be "normal", maybe some people need opiates to be normal...

I should of said this at the start but thats good ur cutting down ,and you found a reason too!!
 
What is saddest to me is that you do not feel acceptable without the drug. You take a substance and it makes you more the way you think you should be. But should you? If you are less likely to be motivated or social when not on opiates there are at least two questions to ask: 1) By whose standards am I judging myself--mine or other's? 2) Am I doing what I want to be doing in life or am I just existing? Obviously these are complex questions that will spawn a lot of others but I think it is worth investigating when you are telling yourself that you need to be a certain way and you need a drug to create that reality in you.
 
I also know what you are feeling but of course I will be no help for any advice on not using. I take oxy for pain management and have done so for about 5 years. In addition to helping with the pain it also makes me FEEL better in general. I feel like working, cleaning house, playing with the kids, etc. I feel much more motivated and energetic.

Twice I have quit taking it for several months and both times I felt horrible (past the physical withdrawal). I also feel like I would never be productive or very active again without some type of opiate/opioid onbard! I know that it also makes me more talkative and happy too (though I don't know about being a "boring person" while not on it). I think that its not so much that it makes you a better or more fun person but just makes you feel as though you are.

I also don't think that some people are just meant to use but it definitely makes life more comfortable for some people including myself.

I would love to hear advice on this also because I know with the way things are going these days there is a good possibility that the DEA is going to eventually step on the docs who prescribe for non cancer patients with chronic pain. Once it becomes a huge monetary issue for me then it will definitely cut into my use.
 
Thank you for the replies, it really does help hearing im not the only one that thinks this way!!!
herbavore- I am not living up to my standards, If I stop using then I hate everything. I will legit do NOTHING, I will not talk to family, I show up late to work, I stop talking to friends, I will not leave my apartment, I want nothing to do with the things that I love ( Hobbies, even SEX!) but if I am using then I enjoy everything! I will work out, I will socialize you name it I love it (when using). I am also a closet user only one person in my life knows that I use.

missmeyet?- I know exactly where you are coming from! A lot of people say when they use they “nod” and sleep all day and do nothing. I am 100% different, and you seem to be also! Glad I’m not the only one, I mean that in a good way!!
 
OK, I hear you, but as respectfully as I can I am going to keep pushing. Please don't think that I am trying to make you uncomfortable or to deny your reality. I just think you are on a very dangerous trajectory with opiates and I worry for you.

I feel like most of us, if we go far enough back in our lives, can pinpoint when we started to derail from our authentic selves. For many of us it is being subjected to the onslaught of cultural expectations that come with school and establishing an identity within that soul-crushing construct. Can you remember back to when you felt motivation and excitement about life pre-drugs? By the time we reach adulthood we have let go of so much that we came in with--curiosity, creativity,and a solid sense of self--but I am convinced that it is all still there, just buried under layers of useless anxieties.

Sometimes you have to change yourself in order to change your life but it is also true that you can change your life to facilitate change inside. Is there anything in your life that needs changing? (Job, family dynamics?)<3
 
Absolutely needtobe, took it in a good way!

I also am always amazed at everyone that takes it to "nod". Not that there's anything wrong with that its just not for me. I take mine so I feel good and can be way more productive. I always wondered if I was the only one that felt that way too!

That also always makes me wonder because technically, by definition, I "abuse" my medications in that I sometimes (usually) take more than prescribed and not just PRN (as needed for pain) but also so that I just function better in general. For example, I generally do not take oxy before I plan to go to sleep unless of course I am in a lot of pain (I do truly have medical conditions that cause chronic pain). It just seems like a waste to me. And of course I do not always have enough prescribed each month so I do have to obtain some if it elsewhere. (But, as a side note, I have recently moved to a new state which required me to get a new pain doc. It is a pain in the ass to start all over with a new doc who drops your dosages "for now" and feels they need to retry all other treatments regardless that you have been thru it all before..but you know, they have to be able to show why they have you on narcotics and are so afraid to prescribe in a way that you won't be undermedicated).

Point being, I too have always wondered about this subject. Though technically I guess I am considered to be abusing my meds, I don't do it to get high or nod, only to truly make me feel better, function better and be a MORE productive person, not less.

Glad to have someone who feels somewhat the same!
 
Herbavore- though this is a new account for me I have been around bluelight for a long time and I have always respected your opinion and look forward to hearing your advice on different topics.

That being said, what do you think about my comments about my own use? I definitely don't feel I need it to make me a "more fun" or likeable person or to see things as more interesting in life. In my case, it really is more of a physical thing (I think). I mean, I definitely take it for legitimate pain but also sometimes because it just makes me feel better physically and more able to be active and productive. I also know that I do have a psychological dependence on oxy as well as a physical one.

Sorry OP, I didn't mean to bring attention away from you onto my own subject. If it offends then please disregard post all. I just thought since we are in similar situation I had to bring it up.

Thanks all.
 
Herbivore- You make some valid points! I know I shouldn’t say this because all of you are going to think “he is a drug addict and ignorant” but I believe that I am a safe drug user; I know that is an oxymoron. But here is my point, I know my tolerance and I never go over it!! I also never mix drugs, if im drinking that day then im only drinking, if im using oxy then im only using oxy. I can remember a time where I didn’t use drugs, and I can truly say I am happier now then I was then!! I would also have to say I do like my life, I have a great job for someone my age, I have my own place, car and so on. I know for a fact that I do NOT use drugs to “escape” I use them as an enhancer as a way of life… It’s really not possible that a person is better off with oxy? When people are depressed they take a medication that makes them able to function and to be themselves “happy again”. Oxy makes me feel like myself and happy, so what is the difference???
missmeyet?- Thanks for the PM !! You have a legit reason! Mine might sound a little pathetic, but yours seems 100% reasonable! You live in pain (which NO one should have to do, ever). Doctors are making it harder and harder to get drugs, even for people who need them for legit pain! That makes me pissed; I’d rather stop using forever in order for someone to have a pain free life! I am truly sorry you have to deal with pain ever day…. All over the news people are saying “this is an epidemic problem” what do they expect? They had some scientist in a lab design a pill that makes people feel GOOD, takes away pain, and makes people feel god like. WHO WOULDENT WANT THAT?? As a side note U and I should figure out a way to overcome needing oxy to enjoy ourselves and our lives!!
 
I would just like to add that in my opinion and experience life sober beats any life using. I felt very similar to you when I used, I felt like myself, comfortable, free and joyous but that was all in the honeymoon period. It robbed me of my morals, identity and self respect. I used to make my life better but by the end I wasn't even living. I was just existing on this planet, emotionless and lifeless. I can guarantee if you keep using opiates you will end up there, it is what opiates to do us. I'm 60 days clean and I love having my emotions back, enjoying things naturally, laughing with my friends it's so much more natural and comfortable than an artificial high. You need to feel in this world, the good and the bad it's what makes us human.

If you don't want to get clean no internet forum is going to change your perspective. You need to take a good look inside yourself and see if you truly want to keep heading down the path your going. We can all tell you it certainly isn't going to get any better by using. It took me hitting some bottoms and then falling through those bottoms and hitting lower bottoms to really realize that using wasn't the life for me. I deserve better than to be sticking a needle in my arm 10 times a day, my parents deserve a better son than that. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do, there's an amazing life out there for you, you just have to want to attain it :)
 
it's fine that you can take a drug safely and without killing yourself, or even hurting your lifestyle or others but if it were really enhancing your life so much then why did you seek recovery? why are you asking this question here? If you were 100% happy with being on oxycodone the rest of your life, you wouldn't do these things, either that or your habit became unsustainable, either way, unless you make a lot of money, it's hard to sustain an opiate habit forever. And you'd need to grow acres of poppies to support an opiate habit, just so you aren't disappointed when you find out how little you'll get from them.

Most opiate users are self-medicating, and most opiate addicts are pretty miserable and do not enjoy it. I always wondered how someone could have a euphoric drug everyday and still hate life, well now i know. I ended up being a miserable opiate addict. First few months were great for me, then tolerance hit and the fun was over for good.

perhaps when you quit you make yourself so miserable so that you can justify going back to oxycodone or whatever opiate. You were never really off opiates anyway, you were on suboxone so your body didn't have a chance to readjust back to normal. You really shouldn't be that miserable on suboxone; you still have an opioid hitting your receptors and keeping you relatively normal.

Opiates murdered my ambition and sex drive, also the constipation and irritability are some other reasons it didn't work out for me. Not sure if you're male or female but opiates will absolutely destroy your sex drive as a male.

Anyway, if you're still stuck in this state of mind then it's going to be hard to quit, once you see the negatives outweigh the positives, it becomes much easier. I quit after almost 3 years of opiate use, with a few periods of no opiates in between (probably 6 months in total). I did a big long taper, switched to kratom, then loperamide, tho i'm still at 8mg of loperamide, it's mostly so i don't shit my pants when i go to school. Took me 6 months and just getting over the PAWS now and i'm doing much better than when i was constantly trying to quit and relapsing over and over again. I just got tired of that cycle in particular. Not to mention the money that you waste on just trying to keep yourself out of withdrawals, it definitely starts to add up after a while.
 
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