I can't accommodate my homeless sister and her son.

[Essentialle123]

Hello everyone,

My sister and her son lives in living room (bachelor flat, only1 bedroom). I had to take care of them since March this year because my sister is unemployed and her son is worthless. Anyway, I have had enough of them.

I told my sister today that I want her son (almost 20 year old) to get the hell out of my place by the end of this weekend.He is a lazy, rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, dirty street trash c***nt. I'm having major disciplinary issues with him. He is completely out of touch with reality and is the main reason that I lost my Mother.

She said that if he has to go, she has to go too or else he will end up in a world of drugs and everything that goes with it again. I told her I'm willing to take care of her because I love her and if that's what she wants to do, then so be it.

I can't afford them. I'm struggling financially. Today I gave her some money to buy food but instead she went to the pharmacy to get her script for pain killers and zolpidem. She is addicted to it. She is a depressed person and all she does is sleep to escape her depression.

Her son just lounges on his mattress all day and doesn't bother to even find some kind of job. He only finished 8th grade in high school.

I've found a local homeless shelter for him to go to. If my sister wants to join him then I don't give a 5h!t.
I can hear her crying while I'm typing this. I don't know what else to do.

I have to survive but like I said, I'm willing to take care of my sister BUT NOT her son.

Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Mafioso]

We all have our limits... you can't be blamed for reaching yours. Boundaries are an important part of healthy relationships and if someone can not respect your personal boundaries then there is going to be a problem.. It's understandable that you want to help but at some point helping becomes enabling.

I'm sure it can't be easy, but the truth is neither you or your sister, or anyone else for that matter, can protect her son from the himself and the world. And honestly, it doesn't even really sound like your sister is in much of a place to help her son.

Sometimes brutal reality checks are needed. I wouldn't recommend anyone going to jail, but for me it served as a harsh wake up call. Sometimes its consequence that drives change.

You don't have to cut them off completely. A warm meal and some company can go a long way in this cold and dark world. I think it's smart for you to draw the line, we can only do so much and if you can't afford it then you all might end up unemployed and homeless.

 

[spacejunk]

^ great post as always, mafioso.

This sounds like a really horrible situation - poverty is so horrible.
But you need to look after your own interests - and by the sound of it, you've been extremely generous and accomodating.
However, being compassionate and trying to help doesnt have to mean being a pushover, or being taken advantage of.

The son is plenty old enough to fend for himself - and i think you are entirely within your rights to ask him to move on.
Does he have any friends he can crash or share a house with? He's at a perfect age to find people to share accomodation - at least where i live, sharehouses are pretty common for people in their early 20s to live in.

Wishing you all the best - it sounds like a very unpleasant situation to be in, but you need to set the boundaries in situations like this, so people don't completely exploit your generosity.

 

[Jabberwocky]

look, the son is a piece of shit. I'm 20 years old and I provide for myself with a job although my mother could send me money weekly but I refuse to accept it as I am already old enough to figure out things for myself, yes if I need an urgent help or something she helps me but in this case he is taking advantage of your kindness. I don't see how your sister could help him while she is an addict herself... And to try to protect him from that world is stupid because eventually sometimes he will have to deal with the temptations on his own and if he does not create for himself a kind of coping mechanism he will be dragged in again.. don't feel sorry, send them to the shelter. as somebody said you can offer a meal from time to time to your sister and maybe some financial help when you have enough money but don't take food from your table to feed somebody who is not interested enough to figure out their own fucking life, if he is not interested why should you be?

 

[BehindtheShadow]

Hello everyone,

My sister and her son lives in living room (bachelor flat, only1 bedroom). I had to take care of them since March this year because my sister is unemployed and her son is worthless. Anyway, I have had enough of them.

I told my sister today that I want her son (almost 20 year old) to get the hell out of my place by the end of this weekend.He is a lazy, rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, dirty street trash c***nt. I'm having major disciplinary issues with him. He is completely out of touch with reality and is the main reason that I lost my Mother.

She said that if he has to go, she has to go too or else he will end up in a world of drugs and everything that goes with it again. I told her I'm willing to take care of her because I love her and if that's what she wants to do, then so be it.

I can't afford them. I'm struggling financially. Today I gave her some money to buy food but instead she went to the pharmacy to get her script for pain killers and zolpidem. She is addicted to it. She is a depressed person and all she does is sleep to escape her depression.

Her son just lounges on his mattress all day and doesn't bother to even find some kind of job. He only finished 8th grade in high school.

I've found a local homeless shelter for him to go to. If my sister wants to join him then I don't give a 5h!t.
I can hear her crying while I'm typing this. I don't know what else to do.

I have to survive but like I said, I'm willing to take care of my sister BUT NOT her son.

Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

Thanks for reading.

Hello and welcome - I am also from South Africa so its nice to see someone else from here post.
You are in a tough situation but as everyone says you have to stick to your guns.

What help could you be if you ended up homeless too?

Why doesnt the son be a car guard at a shopping centre? I see plenty of young men doing that just to get by.

IMO there is zero excuse for laziness and he should pay his own way.

 

[Essentialle123]

@Mafioso, spacejunk, morpheuspapaverus and fellow South African BehindtheShadow - Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comments. I went to work today, totally exhausted. I applied for a loan because I need money. After work I visited my mom at the nursing home for a while, went to the store to buy myself some food. I locked the food in my closet. Unfortunately I can't lock he food that needs to be refrigerated in my closet but he knows that I will go all "Beatrix Kiddo" on his ass if he dares to touch it. When I arrived at my flat, my sister was laying in her bed depressed (predictable) 8), the kid is quiet like a mouse - dodging me etc. Her crying isn't inspiring sympathy from me. My uncle and a couple of friends totally agree with me regarding this issue. I will talk to my sister tomorrow. I'm tired, I think I need some sleep. Thank you all, Regards, :D

 

[BeachBum4u]

Oddly enough you may be doing them both a favor by booting them. As long as someone's basically taking care of them, and I mean mostly him, there's no real world motivation to kick it in gear and take care of themselves. Call it tough love or whatever, but it may actually turn out to be a good thing. Good luck!

 

[herbavore]

Unfortunately you have already pushed aside your own healthy boundaries to the point that you can only feel frustration and anger and then you feel guilty.

Your sister and her son are both in very fragile positions but staying helpless is not going to do them any good and now it is destroying your life as well, so you are very wise to see this as the tipping point it really is.

Try to have a conversation where you concentrate on what you need to stay healthy. Leave blame out of it--they know what they are doing so you do not need to lay it out. Just make simple statements like, "I cannot support all three of us or even two of us without help," followed up by a clear directive, "I need you both to move out by__". I know this will be hard for you. And it will be hard for them. Your sister is enabling her son and you are enabling her and the sooner you can break that cycle the sooner you can find ways to help that will not continue to erode the love you do have for them as family. Addiction, depression and helplessness do not get pulled out of thin air. No doubt your sister and her son have feelings of worthlessness that run very deep. The more the 3 of you stay locked in this cycle, their feelings of worthlessness will simply grow more profound.

I can empathize with how wrenching this is. This very situation is why they refer to addiction as a family "disease". It can and does feel like there are no right answers.

 

[MrRoot]

IDK about your area but could you get them into 30+ day rehab funded by country, county or similar or atleast suggest them to do that at the same time you may do what herbavore said?

Sorry about your situation and it must be hard but you must take care of yourself.

 

[Essentialle123]

Years on and I'm still carrying them, being exploited and taken advantage of. I have to find a place to rent before the end of this month. My sister and her son is still unemployed and there are no homeless shelters around.
I feel so guilty. Why does this have to be so hard?

 

[cduggles]

Years on and I'm still carrying them, being exploited and taken advantage of. I have to find a place to rent before the end of this month. My sister and her son is still unemployed and there are no homeless shelters around.
I feel so guilty. Why does this have to be so hard?

Because you’re a caring person.
And you’re getting taken advantage of by your sister and nephew.
I can’t imagine how hard it is to set this particular boundary though.

 

[neversickanymore]

You must also love them. So after all this time how do you let them know they have been taking advantage of you and that’s done permanently?

 

[deficiT]

Years on and I'm still carrying them, being exploited and taken advantage of. I have to find a place to rent before the end of this month. My sister and her son is still unemployed and there are no homeless shelters around.
I feel so guilty. Why does this have to be so hard?

do they not get any type of disability or unemployment or anything? tell him to get a job at mcdonalds and start pitching in, it doesn't take much. I can understand its difficult because they're family, but if it's having a negative effect on you then you need to figure something out and set some boundaries.

 

[PtahTek]

negative effect

I am sorry to hear wht you have to go through... for so long. Must e frustrating as fu**. My first instinct is to bounce but this depends on many factors... like, do ya have a jo, a ride, somewhere you could go for a minute til ya can get on yer feet. i cannot count how many times a mf took a chance on a loser like me because I tried. They never regretted it. WEll... unless they messin with my money and I can count. lol
I get ya in a fucked up spot but is it a valid option to just bounce?
What are your options that you think are viable?