The only escape other than drugs I have in my life is my game and I started playing with others and I hear them shout when I make mistakes and get annoyed so I just stepped away from it, the leader made me feel like I was my fault and maybe it was but I guess it just reinforces the blame I carry around with me from childhood and that’s why it bothers me. I was blamed for being bullied amongst other things that I never did and I was dragged through the courts and the court psychologist basically put in his report that it was my fault and that society didn’t have w problem with me, that I had the problem with society and after a separate legal battle I managed to get it removed from the report but it leaves you doubting your self, your own memories.
throughout my schoolingI was bullied and even placed in special ed at one point and none of those people picked up that I was on the autistic spectrum and I think maybe that’s why I got bullied but no one ever knows for sure why some kid decides to beat you up in the taxi in the way to school every school day, I had ptsd from a young age I was harmed and sexually abused and I do hold it against the people they have wronged me and I wish I was well enough to get revenge but where does that leave you, probably some place dark. I wish I could let go and be free from the trauma.When I was a did I didn’t know I had ptsd I would just be in a room or wherever we were and the room would disappear and I would be taken right back to those horrible places reliving my nightmare and when I wasn’t I was stuck in a day dream and it became so frequent that I didn’t know anything was wrong until a college psych picked up on it and said it was ptsd and she helped me over the course or a year to get myself out of the flashbacks and come back in to my surroundings but it didn’t stop the nightmares or the flashbacks just helped me to manage them. I see myself as a survivor but how I survive isn’t idea but it’s the best that I know, so like today on a bad day I put my feet in some cold water, made myself something to drink, I put on some music and then I got high and I’ve stayed high and come outside to enjoy the cool air on my face and I just thought stuff it today is a day I am not giving a dam about my responsibilities today.
I’ve tried to make friends in the past but truth is I don’t have many people in my life and someday I will be stuck in this remote place alone and it feels like I came here to die that this is my final resting place, my whole life after my sister passed away we traveled and travelled and never stayed in a place long enough for anyone to know your name, my folks treated every place like a hotel room and we were hardly at home and never had a place we called home, this is the first place I’ve really settled and felt safe and it’s what I wanted the most was to feel safe.
throughout my schoolingI was bullied and even placed in special ed at one point and none of those people picked up that I was on the autistic spectrum and I think maybe that’s why I got bullied but no one ever knows for sure why some kid decides to beat you up in the taxi in the way to school every school day, I had ptsd from a young age I was harmed and sexually abused and I do hold it against the people they have wronged me and I wish I was well enough to get revenge but where does that leave you, probably some place dark. I wish I could let go and be free from the trauma.When I was a did I didn’t know I had ptsd I would just be in a room or wherever we were and the room would disappear and I would be taken right back to those horrible places reliving my nightmare and when I wasn’t I was stuck in a day dream and it became so frequent that I didn’t know anything was wrong until a college psych picked up on it and said it was ptsd and she helped me over the course or a year to get myself out of the flashbacks and come back in to my surroundings but it didn’t stop the nightmares or the flashbacks just helped me to manage them. I see myself as a survivor but how I survive isn’t idea but it’s the best that I know, so like today on a bad day I put my feet in some cold water, made myself something to drink, I put on some music and then I got high and I’ve stayed high and come outside to enjoy the cool air on my face and I just thought stuff it today is a day I am not giving a dam about my responsibilities today.
I’ve tried to make friends in the past but truth is I don’t have many people in my life and someday I will be stuck in this remote place alone and it feels like I came here to die that this is my final resting place, my whole life after my sister passed away we traveled and travelled and never stayed in a place long enough for anyone to know your name, my folks treated every place like a hotel room and we were hardly at home and never had a place we called home, this is the first place I’ve really settled and felt safe and it’s what I wanted the most was to feel safe.
