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I blame you.....

alykitty

alykitty

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 16, 2001
Messages
5,593
Location
East Coast
Drunk with pain.....
Don't want to lay down, but can't get up.
Don't want to cry, but can't stop.
Don't want to be in this house, but don't have anywhere to go or the motivation to do so.
Which way is up? Left? Sideways?
Find something to occupy my time - oops...wrong something, as always.

i'm aimlessly walking until I bump into something- turns me around- I bump into another something - and so it goes.
I need a padded room.
Too full of bruises, wounds and scars already.

I blame you.

This pain is unbearable, I am engulfed in it.
Been swallowed from head to toe by it.

I drown!

So uninvited, so overwhelmingly distraughtful.
So unwelcome, but worstly, so intensely painful.
I'm sad. Angry. Violent. Mad. and even a bit coo coo.

I hurt

I miss the way......and how...you know
I am empty. My heart beat echo's. I am Hollow.

Nothing else exists inside me but the scattered, shattered, uncared for, unimportant, pushed-under-the-rug and forgotten remains of what was once a heart full-of-life and-of-love and belief. belief in love.

I blame you.

Never have I ever felt this ignored and forgotten, put off and uncared for. Disrespected & rejected.
Scoffed at & mocked.
Never have I felt my emotions to be so evaded, destroyed, ripped apart, spat upon & taken lightly. And never have I felt this shattered and overwhelmingly broken down.
I have no control over my emotions. They are helpless under the weight of my pain.

I never wish this pain that I feel on anyone - ever. Not you, not her, not him, nor any of you! I swear it's invaded my being and has totally consumed every aspect of me. of you. of us.

It's left me.
My rational thought and understanding, my ability to make good choices or to feel good about myself. Gone, is my ability to hold a smile and worstly the ability to hold one single god-damned thought together.

Eight million things are going on around and inside of me and I can't even seem to grasp and hold onto at least one of them. Slippery are my hands that try to catch my thoughts.

I could cry until forever, I could throw it all away.
I could throw up and

I blame you.

Utter confusion and reckless abandonment, lack of reason and self control... seriously debating on whether or not I am going insane or if this pain has driven insanity right to the doorstep of my emotions.

It, you, me,... this pain; however, has made the hurt and emotional turmoil I may/have brought to others in my past come to light.
I didn't understand it then, don't really understand it now, but I feel that pain right now. Two fold.
Karma, party of 2!!
May they some day find it within themselves to forgive me, but if they couldn't/won't/don't I couldn't blame them. I have no other choice but to understand.
NOW!

This agonizing misery, blinding confusion, and complete loss of control and self-respect will never be forgotten and understandably, rarely forgiven.

I blame you!


Screaming at the top of my lungs,
demanding what I need from life, from love, from you & myself;
but my needs, words, wishes and tears fall upon deaf ears and an uncaring soul.

Consideration. Decency. Respect. Positive conversation. Generous words. Flattery. Inclusion. LOYALTY. HONESTY. Love. Laughter. Passion.
All of these,
Things I want, need and crave, but find impossible to receive even after asking for them every day, every minute, every second.

I blame you!

No more puppet-master.
No more puppet strings.
No more puppet.

No more jokes on me.
No more upper hands.
No more playing your fool.

No more promises (especially the broken ones...and there were many)
No more "I'm sorry's."
No more excuses
No more deceit.

No more, less than, loyalty.
And no more lies.
NO MORE AND NEVER AGAIN.

I blame you, still!
 
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S-H-I-T.

I find the sadness in this piece almost unbearable, but it's almost coldly driven as you take the reader through every aspect and facet of this heartbreak.

I'm stymied as to picking out a favourite part of this piece, every time I select a part, there's another bit that jumps out at me.

Needless to say, this piece is heartwrenching and powerful.

-plaz out-
 
why is it that such pain causes such great writing?

if you need me, you know you can call me, babe.

((aly))
 
reading this 4 times now,,, you make me wana cry.

honestly i can't see you writting this about anyone, and i can't see how anyone could hurt you that way. Your soul is very pure, not perfect but pure in my eyes.

you have not written alot in here but when you do girl. you always have IMPACT in all that you write. this one again is very impactable.

it states truth and honesty which i know you are about.

girl whatever you are going thru i wish i could be there,,, especially lately more then you know.

love you!

cin
 
This truly made me sad.

I know that everyone says this, and everyone means it...but if you should ever need to talk...i'm a click away.

Very heartfelt piece.
Thinking of you
24.gif
 
i really love from "no more puppet master" on. not to reductionize the rest. that's just the part that is extremely great to me.
~Kels
 
Wow! I'm not quite sure what's caused you to write this but I've totally felt what you're describing. Excellent writing!
You're one of the strongest chicks I know, but if you are feeling vulnerable, I'm here for you.
 
Wow.. there isn't anything that I could say that someone had already said.

I would never wish this pain that I feel on anyone - ever. Not you, not her, not him, not any of you! I swear to God it totally consumes every aspect of you. Your rational thought and understanding,your ability to make good choices, and feel good about yourself your ability to hold a smile orworstly the ability to hold a single god-damned thought.
Click to expand...

I've been done one to many times and I always say this same thing..

Keep your chin up it looks like many people care about you!!
 
You are harder on yourself than I could ever be. All the stuff that you were feeling when you wrote this must have been paralyzing. But you never seemed crippled to me, I saw you living every single moment of your life even while saying you'd forgotten how.

Yes we struggled hard last year on a promise of brighter things to come. Yes it seems like we just keep getting kicked back down, no matter how much shit we survive or responsibility we accept/deny. Yes it is horrible to dislike yourself. Yes both of us are living far beneath our potential. Yes you have a lot of things to figure out and do, more days working hard at a crappy job, a little more impossible patience to find.

Don't ever belittle yourself about finishing school, finding a meaningful career, yada yada yada. You are better at being a good person than anyone I've ever met, and that's so much more important than all the rest of the bullshit girl. You have never disappointed me in any way. God can't make anyone/anything that's stronger than you, so there is only one thing with the power to prevent your happiness and success. And that's your own fear. Never known you to be afraid for long, it makes you resentful which makes you angry which makes you act.

You should spend more time getting to know my best friend Aly - that girl taught me how to be a part of the world (and when the world resisted she gave it a black eye.) Do you have any idea of what a horrible person I'd be without you? TO THIS VERY DAY when I can't decide what the right thing to do is, or what kind of person I want to be, you are the example that I set my standards by dawg. There've been moments that I didn't deserve your respect and you stuck by me anyway. I (of all people) know how hard that must have been for you, and I'm grateful because no one else in the world would get as many second chances as I have. You've never tried to bullshit me, never given up on me, never once tried to be anything but yourself; loyalty is defined by the standards you set. So thanks for that, for everything.

Nothing I can do or say will 'fix' the pain you feel, and I'm sorry for needing to be 'taken care of' right now. You deserve a teammate right now, not a house-wife. But I swear to fucking christ that I'll spend the next 7+ years making you laugh so hard that soda shoots out of your nose + mouth at the same time. It will be a priority. Words are just that and the actions are most important, this just needed to be said out loud cause we never say this stuff anymore. The "I love you's" are harder to believe than they used to be (along with everything else); that makes 'em more important now.

p.s.
Don't you EVER forget: your capacity for love is infinitely larger than your aggressions, anger, or frustrations. Some folks lose their temper when a steak is served medium instead of rare. You tend to lose your temper when confronted with injustice, hate, ignorance, or anything less than the truth. Fine. So there are people who don't know how to take you, get offended, whatever. Do not ever stop standing up for what you believe. Keep screaming when you feel that you or someone you love has been wronged. There is a shortage of honesty and passion in the world, and us quiet folk appreciate your support. :)
 
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