I believe I have depression but still don't know If I believe in depression...

[falsifiedhypothesi]

Ever since I was 13 I classified myself as having depression. I exhibited all the "general symptoms," inherent feelings of loneliness, negative self image, suicidal thoughts, social isolation, etc. but I never fully believed in depression as an illness and still don't. There is so little scientific information on what depression is and so much variation among experiences and treatment methods of people classified as having a depressive disorder. I even find myself looking down on other people that say they have the illness because by the shear description of their experience it just sounds like they are crying over nothing, which makes me lose even more hope for myself.

There is so much stigma that comes with depression and that combined with the scientific gap on what causes it makes me doubt that the illness even exists. I try not to get down on myself and I try to exist joyously but it seems that I've never really enjoyed life, with no real reason not to enjoy it.

 

[JessFR]

We used to think that a lot of diseases were spiritual and demonic in nature that we now fully understand. Our lack of full understanding today does not mean it doesn't exist anymore than it means it must be demons.

It definitely exists, we as humans are just biased however not to think of brain disorders affecting the mind as real, but they are.

You can see it yourself, as you said, your problem defies rational explanation.

 

[P0kemama]

Falsified: It sounds like you are struggling so much with the concept of depression and the stigma that you associate with this mood disorder. I can assure you depression is a real disorder, and you are right, the experience of having depression varies among individuals, what triggers depression varies, and so do the root causes, or core issues that underlie depression. It very well may start in a person's brain... an imbalance of neurotransmitters may be one organic cause, but other areas of the brain play into depressive symptoms as well; early trauma experiences may trigger depressive symptoms in later years; and then we have our belief systems... our thought processes can often be the cause of depression. It would be a good idea to meet with a counselor or therapist who has some expertise in treating depression to help you sort out all your questions and begin to help alleviate the pain you are feeling. It may be hard for you to consider therapy, IDK, but you have raised some good points, made some astute observations and have questions that can be sorted out with the least amount of confusion to you, by meeting with a qualified therapist.

 

[someguy15]

The DSM is not a candy store. Depression is a fanciful / formal term for being "down" and the related treatments exist to get you functioning in the work/social world. Nothing else; they will not soothe your soul or do anything like that.

You think there's stigma that comes with depression? I find that dramatic. Try getting DX'd as schizo by an unqualified cop when you have a therapist with actual credentials and experience who would disagree with it. Being a "debby downer" is really not the severe thing you're playing it off to be.

My advice? Stop talking about having depression (think about how you feel if you say you "have sadness") and start looking at it from a practical standpoint rather than a disorder. What is it that makes you unhappy? If you need to talk to someone about it, do it, but stop approaching it like an illness just because you don't like how it feels or affects you. That is a bad bandwagon (though a very large one) to jump on.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

^ I'm actively trying to figure all that out and I don't go around thinking, "I have depression, today will be horrible."

Yeah I guess I'm just a Debbie downer that's probably why I had suicidal thoughts everyday for 2 years straight and still continue to on a less frequent basis. I'm not saying I have the worst condition in the world but there is clearly something wrong. I always try to look at things rationally and it's probably the only reason I didn't off myself in my teen years.

 

[Bad Robot]

What meds are you on ?

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

Adderall and also prescribed Wellbutrin but I don't take the latter as it just makes me irritable. I've tried most ssris and they just make my vision so blurry it's dangerous to drive even with corrective lenses. I want to try snris but my GP is hesitant to prescribe them unless I go to a specialist in anxiety and depression. I would love to recommend that my doctor prescribe me tramadol because It's the only opioid that helps my depression longer term and doesn't make me compulsively redose but I know that is a long shot at best.

Besides those I also self medicate with opiates 1-2 weeks out of the month.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Depression is a real thing.

You posted about having feelings of loneliness, negative self image, suicidal thoughts, social isolation, etc.

Have you ever talked to anyone about this? Like a friend, family member, or even a counselor, or therapist?

 

[Lylawinesnob]

Ever since I was 13 I classified myself as having depression. I exhibited all the "general symptoms," inherent feelings of loneliness, negative self image, suicidal thoughts, social isolation, etc. but I never fully believed in depression as an illness and still don't. There is so little scientific information on what depression is and so much variation among experiences and treatment methods of people classified as having a depressive disorder. I even find myself looking down on other people that say they have the illness because by the shear description of their experience it just sounds like they are crying over nothing, which makes me lose even more hope for myself.

There is so much stigma that comes with depression and that combined with the scientific gap on what causes it makes me doubt that the illness even exists. I try not to get down on myself and I try to exist joyously but it seems that I've never really enjoyed life, with no real reason not to enjoy it.

I understand what you mean. I have felt those feelings myself. I will tell you that I am diagnosed bipolar. They put me on a bunch of drugs that just.... sucked the life out of me. It is ok to not enjoy every moment. It is the lows that let us enjoy the highs after all. In the end, I didn't find a way out of the depressive cycle until I gave in and FELT it. Not guiltily, or with self loathing. I just burrowed into it. I cried myself to sleep, i wallowed in grief from real and imagined pains in my life and then let them go.
At some point, even without a reason to not enjoy life, I think most people realize they don't enjoy theirs. Find something you love, invest yourself in that. Who cares about the stigma? Other people say stuff? So? They aren't you. The only reality you can alter is your own. Our perception is our reality.

 

[Lylawinesnob]

Adderall and also prescribed Wellbutrin but I don't take the latter as it just makes me irritable. I've tried most ssris and they just make my vision so blurry it's dangerous to drive even with corrective lenses. I want to try snris but my GP is hesitant to prescribe them unless I go to a specialist in anxiety and depression. I would love to recommend that my doctor prescribe me tramadol because It's the only opioid that helps my depression longer term and doesn't make me compulsively redose but I know that is a long shot at best.

Besides those I also self medicate with opiates 1-2 weeks out of the month.

I hate to argue against self medication, because its my preferred method, but in this particular case... a side effect of opiates is depression. So perhaps your self medication is contributing to your depression? Drugs provide temporary euphoria by flooding the limbic brain with Dopamine, a neurotransmitter that’s a key contributor to motivation, productivity, and focus. Dopamine is in charge of our pleasure-reward system. It allows us to have feelings of enjoyment, bliss, and euphoria. You can boost your dopamine levels through diet with Watermelon, Wheat Germ, Oatmeal, Lima and Fava Beans, Almonds, Apples, Avacados bananas, beets, chocolate and other foods high in natural probiotics such as yogurt, kefir, and raw sauerkraut. Oddly, the health of your intestinal flora impacts your production of neurotransmitters. An overabundance of bad bacteria leaves toxic byproducts called lipopolysaccharides which lower levels of dopamine. ( http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11850061 )
I would also recommend you take Tyrosine , it is a natural supplement that supplies l-phenylalanine to the body so it can convert it into Tyrosine, which in turn is used to synthesize dopamine. I know that taking more than 150mg can cause nausea, heartburn and joint pain and fatigue. I don't know why someone would take that much but people have and 500mg of tyrosine exacerbates anxiety and restlessness. The recommended dosage is 100mg per day.
Sometimes, we just need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with life. Um. I hope you feel better man.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

It is ok to not enjoy every moment. It is the lows that let us enjoy the highs after all. In the end, I didn't find a way out of the depressive cycle until I gave in and FELT it. Not guiltily, or with self loathing. I just burrowed into it. I cried myself to sleep, i wallowed in grief from real and imagined pains in my life and then let them go.
At some point, even without a reason to not enjoy life, I think most people realize they don't enjoy theirs. Find something you love, invest yourself in that. Who cares about the stigma? Other people say stuff? So? They aren't you. The only reality you can alter is your own. Our perception is our reality.

I'm glad you've found some relief but unfortunately that doesn't work for me. I felt it very strongly from 16-20, I soaked in the misery and it didn't make me any better it just made me more shut down and isolated from others.
Part of my problem is that I hardly feel anything most of the time, most of my love, motivation, and passion comes in brief bursts that only last for as long as I'm directly stimulated. Once that source is gone I'm back to a low mood anxiety ridden state, and it's not like I consciously make the switch I hardly notice it most of the time.

 

[falsifiedhypothesi]

Also like I said I know self medication is not the best option but I'm young and I'll be damned if I waste my whole youth in a depressive slump because I know I would never forgive myself in the future if I let my youth be wasted away. That may be a terrible excuse but I'd rather risk being addicted then almost certainly being miserable.

I'm also aware that I'm fucking with my neurochemistry, but honestly i feel slightly improved from how I was a couple years ago even when sober (which is most of the time). I'm sure thats not due directly to opiates and stimulants but indirectly by helping to boost my social skills and relationships.

 

[Lylawinesnob]

I'm glad you've found some relief but unfortunately that doesn't work for me. I felt it very strongly from 16-20, I soaked in the misery and it didn't make me any better it just made me more shut down and isolated from others.
Part of my problem is that I hardly feel anything most of the time, most of my love, motivation, and passion comes in brief bursts that only last for as long as I'm directly stimulated. Once that source is gone I'm back to a low mood anxiety ridden state, and it's not like I consciously make the switch I hardly notice it most of the time.

I get it. I Do, Its not like I was better over night. It took a long time. Honestly, It took me leaving everything behind and spending my time alone. At first I was going crazy! I had been using outside sources of stimulation to distract myself from myself for so long that I wasn't sure I wanted to try going on with out them. Eventually, after about a year, I felt... better. A year after that, I felt better still. I spent some time getting to know my self, and I know its super self help book-ish but it is true. You have to love yourself before you can love anything else really. Also, it really does get easier with age. I think my brain finally grew up. I totally get what you are saying about not even noticing the switch, thats just how it is. Good, then not. In every life, a little rain must fall. I think it is important to remember that in the end, you are in control. I used my bipolar as a kinda of catch all for my mood swings, bad behavior and poor choices. Then, I got old and decided FUCK BIPOLAR! It can't control me. I control me. What I feel is usually irrelevant. In the End, it will be WHAT I did, not WHY. So, I am sorry you are struggling, I wish I could help you, but the only person who can make a real difference in your life is you. I posted some diet and supplement information for you, it really does help. I also eat 10% or less animal or animal by products because they are pumped full of drugs and it effects my brain chemistry. Good luck on your journey. Its not only the destination that counts, so if you can't enjoy it, try paying attention to it and see how that goes.