i am what i would not

[onetwothreefour]

i don't like this at all, but it's the first piece i've written in a while, so i figured i'd put it up anyway. cliched, trite, dull. tear it apart, please, people (no, really.)

i am solid, blunted,
i am the void
painted black

you are opened arms
you are to be formed
hands shaping

a friendship is a friendship,
a building is a building,
a flower is a flower,
grown and seen and loved
and nurtured --
to me

a painting is a landscape
a teardrop is a memory
a moment is a lifetime
made just by having lived
and seen --
to you

i am what
i would not
see there

and
you are all
that lingers
always

 

[ButrosButros_Grantos]

Check your email for a response to this

 

[RareForm]

This sucks! :D

 

[Mean Girl]

Yeah, do not pass go, and you can certainly forfeit your $250.

 

[katmeow]

a friendship is a friendship,
a building is a building,
a flower is a flower,
grown and seen and loved
and nurtured --
to me

a painting is a landscape
a teardrop is a memory
a moment is a lifetime
made just by having lived
and seen --
to you

I like the opening and closing sections, but not particularly the middle. It doesn't flow all to well imho.

It's not your best work, but I must say, I admire you Brad for being open to criticism. I'm too scared to put my writing on the line.

 

[onetwothreefour]

^^^ that's my thinking too. i know what i'm trying to say in the middle, but it definitely doesn't feel right.\

cheers all