so, about a week and a half ago I got the GOOD NEWS after getting TERRIBLE NEWS!
Terrible news - my Suboxone Dr. told me he spoke to my Neurologist and said I had 5 years to live; I have a brain tumor. If you followed my posts, read my blogs, etc, you'd know all this. however, I was never given a life expectancy life that; which I surly SHOULD/WOULD have heard if it was that early. so for a week I went on a semi-bender thinking it MAY have been true. but the time I spoke w/ my actual Dr. and NOT my Suboxone Dr., it turns out there were 2 different stories; I have yet to hear back from my Suboxone Dr. since, so lets see how it all plays out.
Good news - I went in front of the judge and told her I can no longer afford to pay the monthly payment of $155 as well as other cash owed w/ my 6 month left on probation. I gave her the full run down including my 5 years to live and they threw it all out the window; thats right, they threw it all out the window. THANK GOD, right? I am thankful for something like that but who knows w/ my luck. but right now I am thankful and was happy as can be.
however, I am not sure if it is the depression from the Chemotherapy, or the changes I have made in life, or what, but I went from having a "good" 6-7 months of sobriety (never fully clean but Suboxone and only slipped 4-5 times within that period which is a fucking miracle for me). well, since I got home from my last Venice Beach vacation which was around Feb 10-15th or so, I have been using almost daily again. what I do know is over the last 6 days I have been shooting a G of day of fent like old times; its kinda sad but its what I always loved and what I always did. sad, right?
I look back at posts I made and I was happy as fuck for going 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc. I was just happy to finally be feeling MYSELF and not relying on the drug, just waiting for the drug man to make the drop, or base your life around his time, etc. I thought this had all been given up. I was on 16MG Suboxone to start but my dick never worked; so I dropped to 8MG and nothing changed aside from my dick WORKING NOW; so its not the dosage I can tell you that much; its all about the mind itself; that is what changed most.
yes, BBT, you have a Stage 3 Malignant Brain Tumor - LIVE WITH IT, man! you have known for 4 years and you look absolutely fine; anytime I tell someone they are amazed; also, my Dr. tell me I have a 25-30yr life expectancy unless things were to change, so be happy with what you have. it seems anytime I have to go through the chemotherapy I get down and out and use more; last time I did chemo I OD"d and it held off my chemo for a month; they recently tried to blame that as a reason WHY it did not work "fully" the last time, or as to why I did not get "best results". FUCK THAT! these people crack me up! I was on a different type of chemo then; just 5 pills a month; now its run in a 6 months cycle having to do both with pills and needles; 2 things I love but that is outside of chemo.
I need to MAN THE FUCK UP and GET WITH IT! I just hate when I do the chemo and actually feel a bit sick; makes me wonder if I am just depressed or if I am actually feeling like shit because of the chemo, ya know? it seriously could be ether or; any/everyone knows that. its just so hard to figure out, esp. at this point which is in the middle of it all.
I truly want/need to stop; I am NOT working full time and do NOT have the cash I once did, so I am unable to even feed myself the drugs my body knows; so i cannot even try to do what I once did. I NEED TO STOP; bottom line!
OK, I need to stop bitching as well. I hate reading what I just wrote because its true and hurts at this point, eh!
Terrible news - my Suboxone Dr. told me he spoke to my Neurologist and said I had 5 years to live; I have a brain tumor. If you followed my posts, read my blogs, etc, you'd know all this. however, I was never given a life expectancy life that; which I surly SHOULD/WOULD have heard if it was that early. so for a week I went on a semi-bender thinking it MAY have been true. but the time I spoke w/ my actual Dr. and NOT my Suboxone Dr., it turns out there were 2 different stories; I have yet to hear back from my Suboxone Dr. since, so lets see how it all plays out.
Good news - I went in front of the judge and told her I can no longer afford to pay the monthly payment of $155 as well as other cash owed w/ my 6 month left on probation. I gave her the full run down including my 5 years to live and they threw it all out the window; thats right, they threw it all out the window. THANK GOD, right? I am thankful for something like that but who knows w/ my luck. but right now I am thankful and was happy as can be.
however, I am not sure if it is the depression from the Chemotherapy, or the changes I have made in life, or what, but I went from having a "good" 6-7 months of sobriety (never fully clean but Suboxone and only slipped 4-5 times within that period which is a fucking miracle for me). well, since I got home from my last Venice Beach vacation which was around Feb 10-15th or so, I have been using almost daily again. what I do know is over the last 6 days I have been shooting a G of day of fent like old times; its kinda sad but its what I always loved and what I always did. sad, right?
I look back at posts I made and I was happy as fuck for going 2 weeks, 3 weeks, etc. I was just happy to finally be feeling MYSELF and not relying on the drug, just waiting for the drug man to make the drop, or base your life around his time, etc. I thought this had all been given up. I was on 16MG Suboxone to start but my dick never worked; so I dropped to 8MG and nothing changed aside from my dick WORKING NOW; so its not the dosage I can tell you that much; its all about the mind itself; that is what changed most.
yes, BBT, you have a Stage 3 Malignant Brain Tumor - LIVE WITH IT, man! you have known for 4 years and you look absolutely fine; anytime I tell someone they are amazed; also, my Dr. tell me I have a 25-30yr life expectancy unless things were to change, so be happy with what you have. it seems anytime I have to go through the chemotherapy I get down and out and use more; last time I did chemo I OD"d and it held off my chemo for a month; they recently tried to blame that as a reason WHY it did not work "fully" the last time, or as to why I did not get "best results". FUCK THAT! these people crack me up! I was on a different type of chemo then; just 5 pills a month; now its run in a 6 months cycle having to do both with pills and needles; 2 things I love but that is outside of chemo.
I need to MAN THE FUCK UP and GET WITH IT! I just hate when I do the chemo and actually feel a bit sick; makes me wonder if I am just depressed or if I am actually feeling like shit because of the chemo, ya know? it seriously could be ether or; any/everyone knows that. its just so hard to figure out, esp. at this point which is in the middle of it all.
I truly want/need to stop; I am NOT working full time and do NOT have the cash I once did, so I am unable to even feed myself the drugs my body knows; so i cannot even try to do what I once did. I NEED TO STOP; bottom line!
OK, I need to stop bitching as well. I hate reading what I just wrote because its true and hurts at this point, eh!
