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TDS i am over the worst withdrawal..the drugs are whispering..reset the agony clock

S

SSGWAR

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 22, 2010
Messages
36
Location
Chesapeake
For a long time drugs have been way too easy, combat wounded, I get them in the mail, from my Uncle, Sam. They often fogged my mind nicely, and I needed the fog. Oddly, for the past year or so I felt less and less high, and more like that massive amount just kept me at the normal ho hum level. I began more and more want to 're visit my KIA battle buddies and their families. So I quit. Maybe ten days ago. I have been very emotional. One Nmare I use to have was that I would be in my dream, crying great heaving sobs, racking crying I have never done in real life. Since I quit it has morphed from the dream into reality, almost at times I am unable to speak for fear of losing myself to those soul racking sobs. And my Nmares have been worse. I wonder if I am getting worse or getting better? My Great Dane wakes me from the night mares, puts her big ol paw in the middle of my back and gently shakes me, or she snuffles my ear or licks my face...is that not a true and dear friend? Not only that, how can I hang myself when I am the guardian of such a person as my great Dane. So, one day closer to returning to my human form. And yet, I still hear the drugs whispering to me. Great heaving sobs unman me.
 
That's hard when before you needed to cry but now it's coming full force since you quit the medications. So I gather for a long time, you had these emotions but stifled them. That's a sweet dog, bless her heart! Did you taper off them at all or quit suddenly?
 
Hey SSGWAR.. sorry you are still in this battle.. this is a post i made in another thread but I think it fits here perfectly. You can and will do this. <3

neversickanymore said:
This is how addiction works.. please take a gander throungh this thread >here< and read through the cycle of addiction part.

The thing about the fantasizing is that its fantasy.. by this I mean our addiction whispers to us how we are missing out on the most amazing thing.. how if we use we will feel amazing.. it says why try and be strong when you will feel s good... the thing is that it lies.. the pictures and feelings it sends in the fantasies are just snap shots.. we always fantasies about the few times we felt really good and had good times.. why dont we ever fantasize about the way it really was.. the constant anxiety of trying to get some shit so we could feel worse than we fell 99% of the time when we are clean.

addiction takes those snap shots and uses them to try and entice us back.. it whispers I will make the world right and make you feel wonderful.. It lies every time.. when we relapse its never how we think it will be.. those days are long gone if they ever existed at all.. it wares us down and makes us think that we need a break.. just a little break.. but the truth is that we dont get a break.. as soon as we use we dont get a reprieve from or addictions, its not a break, it doesn't make things better or easier, in fact it makes everything worse.. the caving come back for real, the anxiety gets much worse.. the isolation and soul crushing properties of the drugs slip in immediately..

So the addiction whispers all these wonderful things.. lies all lies.. when we use we dont feel like it says.. not at all.. maybe the first time it feel ok.. not like what it said though.. no not like it said.. yeah we feel ok, but really kinda sick, itchy, upset stomach, but the biggest thing I think is how one use just takes that soul we have away.. that spark for life, the smile we get sometimes, the flare we have gotten so used to and have forgotten we had ever lost, forgotten how good it was to have it come back..

So after the use (if we make it through as by far the most OD's of my friends were on a relapse) So we use and think to ourselves wow that wasn't what I thought it was going to be.. it actually kinda sucked.. so we get rid of all the shit we had collected up for the relapse.. with the use we remember why we made the huge effort to quit this awful shit in the first place.

But know we are much closer to the flames.. we have set ourselves there.. we had to get the drugs from somewhere so we likely now have a connection, and we have fired back up that sleeping dragon.. we gave that insane addiction a taste.. and it wants more.. cause addiction isn't about feeling good.. it doesn't care that you have decided that it wasn't even close to worth it.. it doesn't care that it makes you feel like shit.. it doesn't care that it will drag you back to hell and could ruin your life.. it doesn't care about all you have accomplish, it doesn't care it just want to use.. so it will push and drive and crave much harder than it was before.. it will tell you well why not use just once more.. what harm could be in that. it will say you lost all that time anyway (more lies).. it will try and break you until you say ok well i will just use once a month.. then once a week, then only on the weekends, then not in the morning, and somewhere in this whole misery we become fully fucked again.. fully fucked and we were miserable the whole time..

So then if we haven't OD'd we make the monumental climb back out of the new whole we have just dug.. it whispers total nonsense.. its insane so dont fall for its bullshit.. dont get played.

Active addiction is hell.. it tells us to jump back in the flames.. you know just to warm up for a bit.. it hypnotizes us with utter bullshit..

If you dont want to get played then play the whole movie of what drug addiction is really like.. the soulless feeling, the anxiety, the loss of control, the hopelessness fo use, how unsatisfying it is every time, no passion, no spark, the depression, the pain, That is what addiction really is.. not that what are you fighting for I will make you feel amazing shit it whispers, utter lies lies and more lies.. how do you know its a lie, if it makes you want to use its a lie.. think back at it how it really is.. call it on its shit and tell it how it really is, laugh at its nonsense.. call it on its bullshit. So you dont get played, play back the whole tape of how life in addiction really is. Lies Lies Lies..

You can pull out of this slide.. there is nothing left back there for you but misery..
Click to expand...
 
Damn! I should read that every day. Because they are whispering to me. So far I have evaded going back to the fentanyl by using lesser evils. But that can't last. I have never been able to slay two enemies at the same time. One bullet one kill. I feel both better and worse. I am surprised at how long I have resisted those whispering lies.
 
I broke down and used some fentanyl to tonight. I will have sneezing fits tomorrow. If I don't use again that is about it for resetting the agony clock. It is harder to stay quit than to quit I think. Maybe. I am going to get rid of all the fentanyl I have tomorrow. I have a lot, and I thought I could quit with it laying around but maybe it would be better to get rid of it, and stop the automatic mailings I get of it as well. I have to wonder if I truly intend to quit if I don't do those things. Darn I really am disappointed with myself for having used tonight, esp after I had done so well.
 
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