I am so sick of people in the substance abuse treatment world telling me this! My addiction specialist assumes it, the outpatient program I'm starting soon assumes it, and because those two places tell my mother I *must* be addicted, she assumes it too! I just want everyone to shut the fuck up!
Here's what happened, pretty much: I have been prescribed benzodiazepines for the past three years for breakthrough anxiety. I have both chronic and acute anxiety, which basically means I'm anxious 24/7, but sometimes it will become too intense and border on a panic attack or actually turn into one. THAT is when I take a benzo (either Xanax or Valium, it's back and forth between the two... idk why they don't prescribe me one thing and stick to it but meh they both do their jobs.) Yes, there WAS one year where my life was absolute SHIT and I had not yet discovered heroin and I was having acute anxiety every day. Back then, I would have to take Xanax a few times a day. (In retrospect, they should have given me Valium; it would have better served my purpose but again... meh.)
This is the part that THESE PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO: I was taking benzodiazepines for an entire YEAR, every day, a few times a day, and I did not become dependent on them. I don't know why. The same thing happened when I was 16 and had to be prescribed Xanax for about a year. I've just gotten REALLY lucky somehow and never developed an addiction OR dependence to them.
I know that's an easy thing to be in denial about, but I'm pretty sure the proof is in the fact that I never had any sort of withdrawal symptoms. I was scared I was going to, because everyone said I would, but I was very pleased when I stopped taking them with minimal problems (I think I twitched a lot for like 6 hours and then everything was fine.) So I had already been on them for 2 years at that point, k? And then two things happened at once: One, I discovered heroin. Two, I learned how to suck it up when I would get what I thought of before as "bad anxiety".
And I stopped taking them. Just like that. Like I said I twitched for a few hours and then all was well. I didn't have any other withdrawal symptoms... I felt perfectly normal... minus the annoying twitching, but whatever - it went away almost as quickly as it came so no harm done. So that was almost another year ago now. Want to know how many benzo scripts I've gone through in the last 8 months? Two. And the last one, I ran out of TWO WEEKS AGO, and I didn't even think about getting it refilled until I was in the doctor's office the other day. Even then it was an afterthought, he left and as an afterthought I was like, "Oh shit I forgot I ran out of Valium" and had to go hunt his nurse down cause he was with another patient already lol.
Even though heroin has become my "anxiety medication" for the most part, I do still get the occasional panic attack. That is the only reason I still pick up a benzo script every now and again. But it literally took me six months to get through a script of 30 Valium. Come on. Does that sound like someone who is addicted, or even dependent?
So this whole arrangement was working out for me JUST FINE. But then... enter Intensive Outpatient Treatment. At my assessment, I stupidly told them I was prescribed benzo's. You'd think I said I was going to bomb the place with the way she reacted. "Does your doctor know you're addicted to heroin?" "Um, yes." "And he prescribes you BENZODIAZEPINES?!" "Um, yes." And then she screeched at me, "YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE WHILE YOU'RE IN TREATMENT HERE!!!!!"
Well, why the fuck not? I asked her. I had tried everything else - I'd tried Vistaril, Buspar, and a variety of anti-depressants that are also supposed to have anxiolytic properties. My doctor didn't put me on Xanax/Valium until it was a last resort. I have tried those other medications AGAIN after being prescribed Xanax, and they didn't work. Again. I explained this to her, and then she was cool about it (for the most part), and simply told me, "Okay. Well, we need written consent from your doctor, but first I need you to go see him and make absolutely CERTAIN there are no other options." I was fine with that; if I had to, getting written consent from him certainly wouldn't be a problem. So, I went on my merry little way. But that was the catalyst for a bunch of stupid BULLSHIT I am currently having to deal with.
So I went to the doctor last week. I told him what was going on, and I asked him if there was anything else I could try. He suggested Remeron, and since I haven't tried it before, I agreed. The only problem was that it apparantly takes 8 weeks to kick in. So we planned to keep me on Valium until the Remeron could start working, he gave me the written consent the treatment center was asking for, and all was well. Except I forgot to mention that I needed a refill for my Valium and didn't realize it until AFTER he had left the room already and had to catch up with his nurse and so there was this huge ordeal, but I finally walked away with a script for Xanax (idk what happened to the Valium? oh well) and all was well. So I thought.
But no! Because when I called the treatment center to tell them about this, I was then told something completely different. It appears that in the time between my assessment and now, they had decided that I was, in fact, addicted to benzodiazepines. Because apparantly getting addicted to opiates means that you will become addicted to EVERY SINGLE NARCOTIC EVER IN LIFE. So when I called, I was told by the girl on the phone, "Well, let me check with my clinical director. I have to make sure this is okay." I told her I had the written consent that she asked for, but that of course was now useless.
Well, apparantly she finally called back this morning, but I was asleep. But according to my mom - and this part is priceless to me - she said she needs to know what my TAPERING SCHEDULE is. LOL.
WHAT tapering schedule? This is what I would like to know. I take benzos maybe three times a week on a BAD week. I didn't take any at all last week. Or wait no, I did take .5 mg of Xanax yesterday. But that was only because I had a 103.4 fever and it caused a panic attack cause I started thinking I was going to die or some shit. But still. Since when/how are you supposed to taper off of something you only take a couple times a week? How am I even SUPPOSED to taper that?! I can't possibly take any less than I do now. I take the shit AS NEEDED. You don't taper off of something you take AS NEEDED if you only take it three times a week, max. That's ridiculous.
This is the plan (and it's a quite simple one, really): Continue taking my Xanax AS NEEDED for the next eight weeks while I wait for the Remeron to take effect. Which means that I will be taking the Remeron WAY more often than I'll even be taking the Xanax, which I find ironic. I'm going to guesstimate that within the next eight weeks, I'll probably take around... 12 Xanax. That sounds like a lot for only eight weeks though, so maybe even a little less. Hell, that's less than half my script - I won't even be able to FINISH my script before the eight weeks is even up! In eight weeks, the Remeron kicks in, and the Xanax will (hopefully) no longer be needed. And I will just stop taking it. It's THAT SIMPLE. What a concept - to stop taking something once it's no longer needed. Opiate addicts ARE capable of that, you know. Maybe not with opiates, but with other things, yes. Just because I got addicted to opiates doesn't mean I don't know how to take other prescriptions the way they're intended... even less than they're intended, actually, because my script says to take it once DAILY lol (at least I'm assuming, I haven't picked up my script yet but that's what it's always said in the past).
Moral of the story: There IS NO TAPERING SCHEDULE! And there doesn't need to be one. I wish people would fucking understand this. I am not addicted OR dependent on benzodiazepines. I could care less for them. I take them as needed, I avoid them until I ABSOLUTELY need them. More often than not, I just deal with my anxiety and let it be until it passes. I was given that prescription on Monday. It is now Thursday, and I have yet to even take my prescription in to get it filled. I ran out of my other benzo script about a week and a half ago. Don't you think if I was addicted or even dependent, I would have rushed to the pharmacy to get it filled the SECOND that shit was in my hand? Yes. Yes I would have.
Other moral of the story: people need to get over themselves and stop acting like they're the final word on other people. Just because YOU say I'm addicted or dependent on something doesn't mean I actually am. For whatever reason, by God's grace, I have been able to take benzos for long periods of time without becoming dependent and suffering withdrawals whenever I stop taking them. It's the same way that some people are able to take opiates for long periods of time and never become dependent on them. Everyone's physiology is different. I am so sick of people telling me that I AM addicted to benzos just because THEY think I should be. Just because I happen to have a particular weakness for opiates.
Well guess what. Opiates are wonderful and euphoric. Benzodiazepines are the opposite of wonderful and euphoric. A benzodiazepine high is heavy and fatigued and forgetful-making. It's not even enjoyable. The only thing that's wonderful about benzos is when they turn one of my bad anxiety/panic attacks into dust.
End rant.
Here's what happened, pretty much: I have been prescribed benzodiazepines for the past three years for breakthrough anxiety. I have both chronic and acute anxiety, which basically means I'm anxious 24/7, but sometimes it will become too intense and border on a panic attack or actually turn into one. THAT is when I take a benzo (either Xanax or Valium, it's back and forth between the two... idk why they don't prescribe me one thing and stick to it but meh they both do their jobs.) Yes, there WAS one year where my life was absolute SHIT and I had not yet discovered heroin and I was having acute anxiety every day. Back then, I would have to take Xanax a few times a day. (In retrospect, they should have given me Valium; it would have better served my purpose but again... meh.)
This is the part that THESE PEOPLE NEED TO LISTEN TO: I was taking benzodiazepines for an entire YEAR, every day, a few times a day, and I did not become dependent on them. I don't know why. The same thing happened when I was 16 and had to be prescribed Xanax for about a year. I've just gotten REALLY lucky somehow and never developed an addiction OR dependence to them.
I know that's an easy thing to be in denial about, but I'm pretty sure the proof is in the fact that I never had any sort of withdrawal symptoms. I was scared I was going to, because everyone said I would, but I was very pleased when I stopped taking them with minimal problems (I think I twitched a lot for like 6 hours and then everything was fine.) So I had already been on them for 2 years at that point, k? And then two things happened at once: One, I discovered heroin. Two, I learned how to suck it up when I would get what I thought of before as "bad anxiety".
And I stopped taking them. Just like that. Like I said I twitched for a few hours and then all was well. I didn't have any other withdrawal symptoms... I felt perfectly normal... minus the annoying twitching, but whatever - it went away almost as quickly as it came so no harm done. So that was almost another year ago now. Want to know how many benzo scripts I've gone through in the last 8 months? Two. And the last one, I ran out of TWO WEEKS AGO, and I didn't even think about getting it refilled until I was in the doctor's office the other day. Even then it was an afterthought, he left and as an afterthought I was like, "Oh shit I forgot I ran out of Valium" and had to go hunt his nurse down cause he was with another patient already lol.
Even though heroin has become my "anxiety medication" for the most part, I do still get the occasional panic attack. That is the only reason I still pick up a benzo script every now and again. But it literally took me six months to get through a script of 30 Valium. Come on. Does that sound like someone who is addicted, or even dependent?
So this whole arrangement was working out for me JUST FINE. But then... enter Intensive Outpatient Treatment. At my assessment, I stupidly told them I was prescribed benzo's. You'd think I said I was going to bomb the place with the way she reacted. "Does your doctor know you're addicted to heroin?" "Um, yes." "And he prescribes you BENZODIAZEPINES?!" "Um, yes." And then she screeched at me, "YOU CAN'T TAKE THOSE WHILE YOU'RE IN TREATMENT HERE!!!!!"
Well, why the fuck not? I asked her. I had tried everything else - I'd tried Vistaril, Buspar, and a variety of anti-depressants that are also supposed to have anxiolytic properties. My doctor didn't put me on Xanax/Valium until it was a last resort. I have tried those other medications AGAIN after being prescribed Xanax, and they didn't work. Again. I explained this to her, and then she was cool about it (for the most part), and simply told me, "Okay. Well, we need written consent from your doctor, but first I need you to go see him and make absolutely CERTAIN there are no other options." I was fine with that; if I had to, getting written consent from him certainly wouldn't be a problem. So, I went on my merry little way. But that was the catalyst for a bunch of stupid BULLSHIT I am currently having to deal with.
So I went to the doctor last week. I told him what was going on, and I asked him if there was anything else I could try. He suggested Remeron, and since I haven't tried it before, I agreed. The only problem was that it apparantly takes 8 weeks to kick in. So we planned to keep me on Valium until the Remeron could start working, he gave me the written consent the treatment center was asking for, and all was well. Except I forgot to mention that I needed a refill for my Valium and didn't realize it until AFTER he had left the room already and had to catch up with his nurse and so there was this huge ordeal, but I finally walked away with a script for Xanax (idk what happened to the Valium? oh well) and all was well. So I thought.
But no! Because when I called the treatment center to tell them about this, I was then told something completely different. It appears that in the time between my assessment and now, they had decided that I was, in fact, addicted to benzodiazepines. Because apparantly getting addicted to opiates means that you will become addicted to EVERY SINGLE NARCOTIC EVER IN LIFE. So when I called, I was told by the girl on the phone, "Well, let me check with my clinical director. I have to make sure this is okay." I told her I had the written consent that she asked for, but that of course was now useless.
Well, apparantly she finally called back this morning, but I was asleep. But according to my mom - and this part is priceless to me - she said she needs to know what my TAPERING SCHEDULE is. LOL.
WHAT tapering schedule? This is what I would like to know. I take benzos maybe three times a week on a BAD week. I didn't take any at all last week. Or wait no, I did take .5 mg of Xanax yesterday. But that was only because I had a 103.4 fever and it caused a panic attack cause I started thinking I was going to die or some shit. But still. Since when/how are you supposed to taper off of something you only take a couple times a week? How am I even SUPPOSED to taper that?! I can't possibly take any less than I do now. I take the shit AS NEEDED. You don't taper off of something you take AS NEEDED if you only take it three times a week, max. That's ridiculous.
This is the plan (and it's a quite simple one, really): Continue taking my Xanax AS NEEDED for the next eight weeks while I wait for the Remeron to take effect. Which means that I will be taking the Remeron WAY more often than I'll even be taking the Xanax, which I find ironic. I'm going to guesstimate that within the next eight weeks, I'll probably take around... 12 Xanax. That sounds like a lot for only eight weeks though, so maybe even a little less. Hell, that's less than half my script - I won't even be able to FINISH my script before the eight weeks is even up! In eight weeks, the Remeron kicks in, and the Xanax will (hopefully) no longer be needed. And I will just stop taking it. It's THAT SIMPLE. What a concept - to stop taking something once it's no longer needed. Opiate addicts ARE capable of that, you know. Maybe not with opiates, but with other things, yes. Just because I got addicted to opiates doesn't mean I don't know how to take other prescriptions the way they're intended... even less than they're intended, actually, because my script says to take it once DAILY lol (at least I'm assuming, I haven't picked up my script yet but that's what it's always said in the past).
Moral of the story: There IS NO TAPERING SCHEDULE! And there doesn't need to be one. I wish people would fucking understand this. I am not addicted OR dependent on benzodiazepines. I could care less for them. I take them as needed, I avoid them until I ABSOLUTELY need them. More often than not, I just deal with my anxiety and let it be until it passes. I was given that prescription on Monday. It is now Thursday, and I have yet to even take my prescription in to get it filled. I ran out of my other benzo script about a week and a half ago. Don't you think if I was addicted or even dependent, I would have rushed to the pharmacy to get it filled the SECOND that shit was in my hand? Yes. Yes I would have.
Other moral of the story: people need to get over themselves and stop acting like they're the final word on other people. Just because YOU say I'm addicted or dependent on something doesn't mean I actually am. For whatever reason, by God's grace, I have been able to take benzos for long periods of time without becoming dependent and suffering withdrawals whenever I stop taking them. It's the same way that some people are able to take opiates for long periods of time and never become dependent on them. Everyone's physiology is different. I am so sick of people telling me that I AM addicted to benzos just because THEY think I should be. Just because I happen to have a particular weakness for opiates.
Well guess what. Opiates are wonderful and euphoric. Benzodiazepines are the opposite of wonderful and euphoric. A benzodiazepine high is heavy and fatigued and forgetful-making. It's not even enjoyable. The only thing that's wonderful about benzos is when they turn one of my bad anxiety/panic attacks into dust.
End rant.
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