I am lost

[cjh1221]

I have been on Suboxone for the last 4 months after a Oxy/morphine habit. Starting low and over the course of a year I reached a once-daily dose of 60-120 mg. Morphine Er+150 mg. Oxycodone habit. Due to reasons beyond my control I switched to the Morphine alone with occasional 100 mg. doses of Hydro. I know-APAP overload! I decided about 5 months go to start suboxone maint.
I lost my Suboxone script because I started using Xanax and was dirty for it too often. I have a chance to go to a different clinic next week and I am really hoping not to start Subs again...I just want off altogether.
For the last 3 months I have started doing about 1/2 a g. Per day heroin, about once a week. I shot my last heroin around midnight yesterday, went to bed, slept for 24 hours, and woke up with a slight runny nose. Knowing I was starting to withdraw I popped a measly 20 mg. Percocet and it seems to have helped. I was wondering if I am out of the woods for the most part? I have little to no energy but can't really sleep. I just slept for 24 hours, that's probably why lol.
I was down to about 1 mg. or less Suboxone....could that be why I'm not having such a tough time of it? Am I kidding myself? It has been almost 3 days since my last dose of subs. I know the perf. Was a bad idea, I sholud have just seen where I ended up and let it go. I was just scared and didn't want it to get worse. I am now thinking that if it took this long to start feeling the w/ds that maybe they would have been that bad? I wish I hadn't taken the perc. so I could see what happened.
Did I just taper enough that I'm going to get off easy or is the worse yet to come? I know no one can tell me for sure but I would love to hear your opinions. To be free of this monkey would be such a relief!
Any ideas? Am I kidding myself or did I just accidentally fall into the right recipe for quitting easily? I hope so....what do you think? I am kinda new here so I hope I gave all the pertinent info and didn't break any rules. Thanks in advance!

 

[vegaskukichyo]

Hi cjh,

Sorry you're having some trouble. I never saw or heard of anything that could be called "quitting easily". At best all you can do is prolong the process and draw it out. At worst you are simply waiting for full and total relapse. If you want recovery you gotta go get it, whatever recovery means for you. But it doesn't come easy. Really getting better and learning to live a good life is really hard and really painful and there is no substance that can successfully make that "easy." That's how addiction works. It requires retraining the brain, and that's a hard thing to do, though certainly not impossible (search around about addiction neuroplasticity if you don't believe me).

Let us know how it's going, and stick around here! Whatever you do, you have found a good place here full of people who want to help.

Blesséd be,
vk

 

[vegaskukichyo]

One more thing: from what I read in your post, it sounds like it will probably get worse. I think you have maybe managed to prolong your w/d but it will probably hit you and hit you hard. I don't say this to be a downer but because I think you should be prepared for it. Don't do this alone cjh. Find someone who will come over and watch you or sit on the phone with you or consider going to treatment if it's your thing. I say this mainly because getting off substances physically is extremely hard and the withdrawal symptoms have been known to cause serious damage and/or kill people. So it's good to not do it alone.

Stay with us!

 

[Junkiegirl23]

The suboxone has a long half life. The longer you take it the more it builds in your brain. It can take a few days for you to start experiencing the WDs from the sub.
You're gonna feel SOMETHING. I can pretty much promise you that, after taking subs for 4 months you're eventually going to have some sort of WD.
Don't get yourself too worked up mentally. That's just going to play tricks with you and make your WD a lot worse then they would be.
Just relax, sit on here, do whatever to keep yourself busy and to not use..
You're gonna feel bad at some point, but that doesn't mean you have to be so scared that you end up going out and using because you made yourself so anxious.
I did that shit for years, then finally quit cold turkey and yeah I was sick and yeah I felt like shit but it wasn't even close to what I was thinking it was going to be.
Give your body a chance to fight this shit off before your brain defeats you.
Best of luck! If you need any support, have any questions or just wanna shoot the shit please feel free to PM me
I have totally been in your shoes. Today I'm at 53 days clean and it's amazing and totally worth any discomfort you are going to feel. I can promise you that!

EXjg

I say this mainly because getting off substances physically is extremely hard and the withdrawal symptoms have been known to cause serious damage and/or kill people. So it's good to not do it alone.

Opiate withdrawl alone has never caused any deaths. Just FYI. If someone would of said that to me when I was first going through detox I would of freaked the fuck out. Sure it's gonna be hard and it's gonna be painful but it's nothing you can die over.

 

[cjh1221]

Thanks guys, I came so close...I really did. I got to what I think was the worse of it....the kicking, cramping, and constant diarrhea (to the point of incontenence embarrassingly enough) i did what you said, prepared mentally at least. I actually got to the point before symptoms hit that I had very little anxiety during, w/d, which I have heard is the most common reason for failure/relapse because it can be so intense. The anxiety was minimal, actually, which was very helpful. I was actually prepared for it to be much,much worse. Anyway, looking back, I think I was at the point when it was going to start turning uphill and getting better, albeit slowly. It was the fecal incontenence that got me, it was so exhausting trying to literally run to the bathroom, not make it he literal 10 feet, then having to clean up and wash my clothes, that I gave in. Now the embarrassment of failure is more intense than the failure/relapse TBH. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 .
I knew that a shot of heroin was the quickest way to relief opposed to swallowing or snoring a small truckload of pills so I called up my Girl and she delivered quick, thanks to my outright grovels get/crying/paying an extra $25 bucks. A fresh G of China White .....I still tried to not use, it just called my name from across the room. I even got to the bathroom with the intent of flushing it a few times but couldn't bite the bullet .
I am still beating myself up but at the same time using my experience to prepare myself for another round. I do REALLY, REALLY want so badly to get clean! I thought I was gonna get off easy, man was I wrong. There wasn't even that gradual introduction to it. It hit all at one, full force, like a freight train. Man, I am still kicking myself but I know in the back of my mind I have an unlimited chance to try again and again until I get it righ.
I do very much appreciate all your advice and kind words, it means a lot. It took me so long to respond simply because, even though we wouldnt know who each other were even if we were in the same room, I was embarrased and ashamed. I logically know that just TRYING is noble. I always think of anyone on here who is even trying to or preparing to kick, regardless of outcome, very proudly, stranger or not. It is a HUGE thing, no matter what the outcome. It's just human nature I think to be more critical of oneself than someone else.
Wow, what a bunch of rambling babble. I guess it was sorta therapeutic so I'm not gonna kick myself too hard for it, even though I'm probably annoying the crap out of all of you .
I guess the moral of my little rant is this; I'm not exactly an expert or one to give advice but....here goes.....try, if you fail, it's a tool, a lesson can be found in that failure to make your next try that much easier I believe. 1st try,29th, 436th/failure? Well, that's one more lesson learned to help make your next try that much closer to successful. No matter who you are, someone weaker than you, somewhere, has tried and succeeded so that means you can too. You don't have to believe me, I probably wouldn't knowing how new this is to me. It doesn't matter if you doubt me, your doubt doesn't make it any less true ......
Thank everyone again, I wish you really knew how much it means/meant, and how much it helped/helps. I will be attempting again, as many times as I have to. I want to try to taper as low as I can get before trying again. Surprisingly, I am better at tapering than even I wold imagine....who'da thunk I'm a coward and I toughed out the worse of it, granted I failed, but if I can make it as far as I did, anyone can make it all the way to freedom....it's totally possible.
I know no one knows me and may not care if I do or don't, but I will update this thread when I try agin, and keep everyone updated on my progress ....hope to get to know you all better and am weirdly anxious for your approval of my efforts and especially your support. Good luck everyone and be safe