i am loosing my self

[81roby]

Ok so my name is robert, mexican, 16 yr old.
(Will be 17 in a month)
Background info: have always smoked weed, taken acid about 8 times including today, coming down from a trip actually.

So i come from mexico, a place infested with hitmen, i got into some trouble just started smoking weed some inhalants and my parents brought me to Co, i was hit alot as a child but in really bad manners, lile my mom literally opened my head once wen i was like12-13 with a pretty thick piece of wood but i still love her but since those times she did that to me she was not my mother, i did not see her as one, always screming and stll does, ok well i got here and i heard of lsd (BTW i was only like 14) i was a fanatic of its effects and just made it my dream to try it out, ok well as usual i would always have problems with my parents about drug related stuff, thing is i thought i could get high some how always looked to do so and my parents kinda thoght i was using shit but really wasnt so i was stuck in a room wen i was 14-15, the school i went to sucked because i got constantly bullied because i could not speak proper english and they would mostly make fun of how i said the word "you" sounded like "jew" and they would say "jew gay!" Everntually i was gay to them without my self beeing gay lol so i got outa that school and moved to another one, but before that i was deoressed all the time inside a room as a 14 yr old and most of my 15 years, so yeah my parents got me cought high and a problem started about me smoking weed they took away my freedom and my phone wich ment alot and would be stuck in a room for about a month, (depressed) then i kinda got a hang of my use and controlled it so my parents did not know about it and it worked a little because they eventuallu had to give me some freedom because i was growing, but me and my parents never really talked, they would try to and i would just not try to talk at all, ok and one day i got a hold of some lsd and tried it, half a hit didnt do much next time i did 2 and it was the craziest adventure of my life, ok time went on and me and my parents still had the same relationshop problem, then i did lsd a few times.
Then i met this girl (P) fell in love with her, was the best girl ive met.
One day me and friends decided to steal a car, they flipped it and they eventually found out it was ous, so my parents knew about the problem and everything, i spoke with a few detectives about it but idk what they wanted me to tell them, their crazy, well nothing happened from then but i heard that they were blaming me for stealing the car, one day i bought lsdt about 2 and half hits tripped and was good, then the next day at 2 pm going to work a cop stopped me and arrested me for robbing, and so they took me straight to county for 2 hours, they called my parents but they couldnt do shit about it, i then got sent to a juvenile facilitie, (jail for minors) and spended only 3 days, and there i went thru my whole life, andi actually missed my mom and dad crazy cuz i didnt see them as parents, but i needed them, i was in there depressed as hell every night, crying in silence, then one day i got out (3 days after lol) and so i was happpy to see my familie pick me up, my two lil brothers, went home and texted my girl, she wasnt the same towards me but we were fine you know, atleast i didnt loose her or my fam, those two were my biggest priorities, well this girl stoped being nice to me and i would mention it and shw would say something like " because i can" wen i would ask her why the atitude towards me, well it got to the point were it seemed that she was being forced to talk to me, oh and BTW i got out of jail yesterday, and well there i knew i had completle lost her, and the thing is idk why i hurt so much i think killing nyself is an option but i dont wanna see my brothers cry for me, but she just caused me so much fucking emotional damage i didnt think a human being could do that to someone, and wel here i am at 3:25 am writing this, i really miss her but i will never have her again, and well since yesterday ive talked to my parents alot and loved it tbh nothing better than it, but this got me hard, and i have had suicidal thoughts before ALOOOOOOT my ex who was my bestfriend in the whole world killed herself just 2 months from a argument me and her had, she did it the day after her Birthday like almost 9 months ago and i have been crying most days because of it wishing to kill myself, and tbh i dont know what to do i do not want to go back in jail but probably will because i have court in a month and i think they have enough evidenve, but the thing with my girl is the biiig one here, i took lsd today about 2 hits and it helped me a bit but also made it worse and i am aware taking lsd at this moments isnt the best but it helped me think clear about the relationshio with my parents and my thought on my girl well Ex,and i dont know what to do i cant keep her name off my head, thanks if you took the time to read this, and also, killing myself is an option to me.

-roberto

 

[Raysu]

Wow Roberto that's a tough life for 16! I don't know what I can say but maybe a little about me will help? I met my now husband in 2000 so I've known him as long as you've lived. He's Mexican. I'm American. I got into drugs and dragged him into my mess before leaving him to go to rehab following a suicide attempt and horrible multi drug habits. I relapsed when I was with him after months of getting clean because partly he never did but mostly I just wanted to use again. The next year was hell on earth with worse drugs in Mexico, more suicide attempts, and then he got busted and is in prison where he's been almost two years with two to go. I've only seen him once since then but talk to him and we write. I can't imagine how he manages to get through after the mess I made of our lives and being away from his family and me so long. But I still love him and know we have a long way to go. He will be deported back to Mexico and it freaks me out to think if I want to see him then I have to return to a place I tried to kill myself and a miserable existence. I try not to think about that choice I have to make and it hurts to think of it as being with him or being alive. It hurts to get his letters even though it shows how much he still loves me after everything. I'm telling you about me so you have hope. I was bad for so long and so messed up I tried to hate him. If you are breathing and your soulmate is too then you have every reason to live. Maybe your girl will come around like I did for my husband against all odds or maybe you have yet to meet someone. Don't be afraid of court. It is what it is. Commit to creating a better life regardless of where your circumstances place you. Soon you will be able to make decisions of where to work and live and I believe even jail/prison can be a blessing in disguise. My husband was so gone I didn't recognize him before and prison forced him to get clean and he is the man I married again. If you get time maybe it's time to reflect on what you want in life and to give your family peace of mind knowing where you are and that you are using drugs or stealing cars. No matter what you've done you can choose at anytime to turn it around and have a good, safe, life. Drugs are an illusion. They are able to take the mind to happier places. But while on cloud 9 they are destroying your life in front of you and you won't realize or care until the day where you have a bad trip or can't afford the high anymore. And then it's harder to clean up the mess they left and your body rebels against you for days to months as you detox. And your mind tried to pull you back in again. Your use is limited now. Find something to replace the drugs with, something you can do to feel better the right way or help others who need it. I couldn't have survived these years without the help of strangers who were kind. You seem so kind and struggling to share love. Give without expecting and you will never be disappointed. I hope this helped you some.

 

[Cherrysoduh]

81Roby- wow you have a lot going on for an almost 17 year old. Most of us older folks have all had a really bad break up at one point or another. I know it's really hard to see now but I guarantee there a a girl out there for you and you will meet her when the time is right and it may even be at a time when you aren't even looking for a relationship. In the mean time just getting back out there when you are ready and dating can be fun too. Of course this maybe hard to see right now because of all the things you have going on right now and you sound like you have some depression going on. It is hard to see the good things or have a positive outlook sometimes when you have depression.

Do you have any friends that are you can trust? Friends that aren't doing illegal things? Someone that you can talk to? It maybe a good idea to talk with your parents and see if maybe they can take you to a therapist to talk to about how you are feeling right now. Especially since you mentioned that you have thought about suicide before the breakup. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is not the answer Robert. If you can not go to a therapist I would suggest at the very minimum talking to someone you trust about how you are feeling and can call at any time when you are having thoughts of hurting yourself. My best friends suffers from severe depression and I am her person that she calls when she is thinking of self harm. I have literally gotten out of bed and driven to her in the middle of the night and sat with her many times. I have also driven her to her therapist when I learned she was cutting herself and I knew she needed more help than just talking to me. Having a support system is imperative.

I understand you are scared about the legal problems you have right now. However, you are young and you have many many years ahead of you. Which means plenty of time to start doing the right thing. Look into getting a attorney to help with your legal problems. If your family can not afford a lawyer look into the paperwork to fill out for a court appointed attorney.

The world is yours Robert go out there and do good and get your piece of the world. Plesse do not hurt yourself.

 

[Moreaux]

Roberto - I am sorry you have to deal with so much at your young age. It hurts to lose a loved one, whether it be through death or becomes they leave. You are mourning the loss of two relationships right now.

In the case of your exgirlfriend who committed suicide, dig deep and find strength from that experience. Think about her struggles and how much everyone that loves her hurts because she ended her life, and find a way to move forward in your life through your struggles and not give up. You don't want your loved ones to hurt because you committed suicide - that is a life long pain that never completely goes away. Find healthy ways to deal with stress. Plan a future for yourself.

Regarding the girl you've been seeing - it hurts when someone no longer wants you but that pain goes away in time. Honestly, she sounds abusive and you don't deserve to be treated poorly, so I think you're better off without her. Try not to think about her - you will meet somebody better who loves you for you, and won't treat you badly.

It sounds like you are making some poor choices with drugs and stealing. I think you need to stop and think about the type of life you want to live as you're almost an adult. Do you want to always struggle, or would you like to have a stable job and house and family without a lot of struggles and drama. If you want the latter, look into going to community college after school and working toward a degree. Community college with help you further advance your language skills and will help get you up to speed with other subjects so you can get a four year degree. It's also much more affordable, and you can probably get grants and scholarships so it's free. You will also get exposed to different career paths so you can find something you are passionate about.

It's very difficult to move to a new country while still being in school. I spent the first part of my life living in Spain before moving to the United States. I was born in the US to American parents, but it was difficult transitioning to the US as I had lived in a different culture. You have it so much harder because of the language and cultural differences, and kids can be very mean to anyone different. I think you should be very proud of yourself for doing as well as you are - you have learned English very quickly and are doing very well with it. You are also integrating into a new culture. Ignore the people that make fun of you as they are very insecure themselves and have issues.

You don't have much longer until you are out on your own. Take advantage of still living with your parents to develope a game plan for your future while you don't have all the stress of living by yourself. Stop participating in crime and drugs - none of that is going to help you or make you happy in the long run. Learn how to deal with stress in a productive healthy manner like exercise or other hobbies. It may sound boring, but don't worry about having a lot of friends right now. You will meet so many people in life, focus on yourself and getting healthy and preparing a solid foundation for your future. Good luck!