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I am in rehab, but..

X

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,009
... I don't know if I'm going to be able to stay clean. I don't feel like I have that fight in me anymore. Maybe the appeal of the high is too much for me now, I don't know. I am going to stick it out here though. If I'm going to use, it's going to happen, but I can at least promise myself that I'll wait 30 more days. And then who knows, maybe I'll have a change of heart within that time. No drug has ever seduced me like heroin has though... not meth, coke, ecstasy, not even when I was merely popping pills... lol and I thought that addiction was bad.

Sooo yeah. I'm in rehab, but I have to detox before I'm allowed to do anything like go to meetings or use the gym here. I can participate in groups if I want to, since they're held here at the house, but really I'm just supposed to try and relax. I'm only allowed to take Suboxone though, I can't detox using any other meds. Sucks, but what can you do. I did try to stick it out, but I caved in and ended up taking the Subs. I'm glad I did. I feel 75% better than I did two hours ago... say what you will about it, but it does release some of the suffering. I just hope it's not going to be bad when they take me off of it. :/

Anyway. I like it here. It's on a residential street. There's a courtyard in the middle, surrounded by the guys' house, then the counselor's house, then the girl's house. There's only three girls, but there's like 10 guys. I don't know how they fit them all in there?! It's nice, because even though it's co-ed, there is absolutely NO drama, no hookups... it's absolutely nothing like the last rehab I was at, which was like high school. They provide three meals a day. We can smoke, use the gym, take walks to the store, etc. It's super chill. It's more like a halfway house in my opinion, once you actually graduate to the rehab part. There's enough freedom. Interestingly enough, there haven't been too many relapses inside the facility. One girl (my roommate) has been here for a year, and she said she only ever saw one person relapse while they were here. Oh and also, we have dogs here. I was super stoked when I saw the dogs.

One of the guys just said, "I'm here for weed."

I have no words.

On that note, some advice and encouragement and keeping xbc company would be nice. :)
 
Wow this sounds like a pretty nice setup you're in. I've been to facilities that were like lock down psych wards where you can't leave the grounds at all. I know right at this moment, you're probably still thinking about using. Wondering how you're going to get through this. Sounds corny but you will get out of it what you put in.

Try not to stay on the suboxone too long. I'm hopeful they taper you down properly as it can be a bumpy transition after you start going to group and meetings and feeling sick. Let us know how you're doing.
 
Good luck in there!
It does sound like a rather pleasant rehab to end up in, although no rehab would be ideal..
Get well soon dude!
 
It sounds like you have a good attitude about it which is probably one of the most important things about recovering. I hope it works out for you. <3
 
"I am here for weed"
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. I know what Heroin is and what it does to a person, you feel like that you cant break from it but YOU can let the Rehab help you use them for all they are worth. I know that you can do it, remember use them and get better within your heart and mind and body. I wish you the best.
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~*Peace*~
 
xbc you aren't in rehab in st louis are you? - kinda sounds like a place i got sober @.

sobriety isnt about the fight, it may be good you have no fight left in you. its about surrender & acceptance. go with it, and let your body heal. exercise and music helped me a lot in early sobriety, regular food/vitamin/fluid intake too - push through the paws and you'll start feeling better faster.

laying around won't facilitate any smooth transition. make the most of each day; its rough but just keep pushing.

then you'll get to have the fun emotions that were suppressed by opiates - i used to start tearing up when watching corny "happy family commercials" and get sick adrenaline spews when listening to music on the i pizzy.
 
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read. Best thing I ever found out for staying clean. When you got nothing to do and your bored loosing your self in a great book can take it all away.
 
one of the things that seems to come up for you over and over is your fear that you do not really want to be sober, you cannot imagine yourself as a sober person and a sober life seems empty and unappealing. You recognize that you do not want to be addicted but you cannot imagine being sober. I think that this is the fear you should hone in on while you are in rehab. The fear of failing at life, when we are actually trying to do everything, is way scarier than failing because we are not even trying. The key here is to change the whole concept of failing. Failing to feel confident, failing to know what direction to take, failing to be self-sufficient, failing to maintain healthy bonds with other people, failing to confront boredom, failing to satisfy needs, failing to forgive and all the other failures we all encounter every single day in our lives is actually just the process that moves us forward. Every failure is a teacher. you can put your earplugs in and stare out the window and miss the whole lesson and then have to repeat it endlessly through life or you can choose to sit up and pay attention and learn what your failure is trying so hard to show you.

The fact that the place you are in is so pleasant means that you can get down to some real work inside so that you can try to understand what keeps you stuck, the really deep fear about yourself, not just the triggers and circumstances and habits, but the fear that lies at the root of all that. I hope with all my heart that you can do that this time. You are getting a chance right now to learn something about yourself. I wish you all the courage that entails. The rewards last for life. <3
 
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the comments :)

I'm in rehab in the OC... no St. Louis, but I was born there! haha

Suboxone... um I don't really know if the taper is a proper one, but they have me going down 2 mg per day. Maybe too fast, but I actually feel NO withdrawal symptoms at the moment other than insomnia, and it's been a while since my last dose. That's a good sign..

I'm not allowed to leave the premises until I'm off the Suboxone completely, that means no outside meetings for me, but groups are held in the courtyard at the apartments we're in... and sometimes we'll have meetings here or H&I Panels... so I've made myself sit through everything held here even if I've felt like shit. Mostly because there's really nothing else to do and I get bored all day. Today they went to the beach and I was so bummed I couldn't go, but oh well. It's tough finding something to replace my day. I feel like hyperaware of everything now - my emotions, other peoples' emotions, the things going on around me, etc. No more cushy heroin to make everything all fuzzy and meaningless and numb and shit.

It's weird, but I don't even remember what it feels like anymore. I'm only on day three of my detox, so I'm not going to be stupid and assume that means I'm cured. I seriously just sat there for a good 20 minutes struggling to remember what a heroin rush felt like. The fuck, it's only been three days. Why do I not remember. Maybe because I'm not feeling any withdrawals right now idk. I'm sure I have a couple of days of hell to look forward to when I finally stop taking everything, but no where near as bad as if I'd gone cold turkey. Obviously, the Suboxone is occupying my receptors enough to keep my brain satisfied if I can't even remember what getting high feels like.

The other patients are awesome, the counselors are awesome. The dog left today, and that isn't awesome, I was sad. One thing that's really awesome though is that they won't let me take my benzo script to manage my anxiety. I was super pissed and really worried about this the first day I was here and yesterday, but I'm actually pretty grateful for it now. It's basically an opportunity to learn how to manage my anxiety without any narcotics. So it sucks but it could be useful.

I'm a dumbass and drank 6 cups of coffee today. I don't drink caffeine. EVER. So it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm hyper awake and keyed up. I don't really know where I'm going with that, other than to say it's a really dumb idea to drink that much caffeine when you're already in withdrawal and prone to insomnia anyway.

So yep. I'm doing well. It's good here. I do get the occasional, "Okay only 30 more days and then I can use" but I know that's just temporary. I just have to stick it out, it will get better. At least that's what they say. And it does suck having to deal with emotions I was covering up with painkillers and then heroin for the past few years, but that's also part of the process. I guess as long as I keep a positive attitude and an open mind I'll be alright.

- xbc
 
There are rehabs that allow cigarettes and walks to the store?! Dang... I didn't even think they allowed laptops or phones. A clean, warm bed, healthy meals, the ability to talk to counselors that care?! Wow. That's astonishingly awesome and rare in the 'system'.

I hope that this is a genuine turning point for you for the better. I have read about your struggles in your Blog and I hope that you are able to avoid using again. I am in early sobriety from alcohol. I echo the poster above regarding reading - reading has saved my life many times over. Losing myself in a good book has been so valuable as I re-learn better habits. Getting enough sleep and avoiding association with people that drink has also helped. I allow myself 1 cup of coffee per day because more than that makes me anxious.

You can't put a price on your life. You can't anticipate the next time you will use - you have the opportunity to make your addiction to opiates a part of your past and not your future. Herby, as usual, got it:

The fact that the place you are in is so pleasant means that you can get down to some real work inside so that you can try to understand what keeps you stuck, the really deep fear about yourself, not just the triggers and circumstances and habits, but the fear that lies at the root of all that. I hope with all my heart that you can do that this time. You are getting a chance right now to learn something about yourself. I wish you all the courage that entails. The rewards last for life.
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Be brave, xbc - we're pulling for you. It is your choice to work what seems to be a great program and to receive the counseling/therapy you need in order to remain free of opiates. You'll find a lot more in the way of freedom once you are away from opiates. You'll be able to travel, to learn, to live a good life without fear looming at every corner. The anxiety will alleviate once you are not concentrated on placing false hope in substances of any kind.

My best to you as you discover a better way of living.
 
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. They took me off the Suboxone and I had a rough few days, and then I was just really busy. But OMFG I am officially 7 days sober of ANYTHING. No Suboxone, benzos, alcohol, nothingggg. It feels so fucking good to say that. It's been three years of struggling with opiates, including Suboxone, and it is SO AMAZING to be able to say that I'm completely clean from all of them. And not even just clean but done detoxing too! It was rough for a few days and I'm still not getting much sleep, but the withdrawals broke around my 4th day off Suboxone and got remarkably better every day after that. Also we went to the beach the other day and that was fun. I don't even remember the last time I went to the beach before that... lol... junkies don't mix well with the sun.

So yeah I'm doing really well physically, the PAWS is the really hard part. I never quite got what people meant when they said "it's all mental after that" until now. Fuuuuck. I think about using almost constantly. I really do love being sober. I actually feel alive again and every once in a while I even feel hopeful. Foreign feelings to me. There really is nothing like being sober. However... I find that I'm triggered by EVERYTHING and my cravings are so ridiculously overwhelming at times. As much as I love it, I worry about staying clean once I'm out of here. Thinking I have one more run left in me.

Heroin is an insidious drug. It's like a curse. Once you've tasted it, there's no way to forget. I can't believe I just dove headfirst into slamming that shit. I wish I'd just smoked it like other people I know, because they seem to have an easier time. I don't know. Fuck. But I swear IV heroin takes your soul and dehumanizes you. It's like the monkey on my back is sitting back and watching what I'm doing, taking everything in, learning about new ways it can break me. It's hard as fuck sometimes. I seriously feel a lot of the time that I'm almost certainly going to relapse. It just sucks man. There's nothing good waiting for someone who has to stick a fuckin needle in their arm everyday just to feel normal. I'm lucky that I'm not dead or in prison, because it seems that's where all the other heroin addicts here have been because of their use.

So yeah idk I was just rambling. I'm doing well except for the PAWS. I just gotta push through it I guess. There's absolutely nothing I can do to make myself never have cravings or anything, so I just gotta deal until it gets better I suppose.

And yes, there are rehabs that let you smoke and walk to the store haha apparantly
 
Congrats on your 7 days, chica! <3 Take it day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute and you can push through the cravings.
 
Out of rehab... I got kicked out, but not for relapsing. It's a long story, but it was their fuck up not mine. The people responsible got theirs though, so I'm not tripping. Actually trying not to think about it too much. One minute I was trying to stay another month, the next minute they were like "Pack your shit." The fuck. I didn't even do anything wrong. The counselor who did it was just being immature and a little bitch. And he straight up let my roommate hit me and didn't do anything about it. Oh well. I didn't do drugs... didn't beat the shit out of her... didn't steal her shit or fuck it up... I walked out of there with class and with my dignity intact. And that's all that matters. AND I've been clean off of heroin since August 19th, which is almost a month now. And in two more months, my boyfriend will be out of there too, and we can get our own place. He keeps me sober. <3

So yeah. That's that. Pretty much turned me off of rehabs forever lol I'm not gonna lie. Buuut I don't need heroin to be happy anymore either. The way I see it, I can do anything I want to do, if I stay sober. I'll definitely still smoke weed and drink, and maybe roll, but yeah fuck the rest of that shit. And FUCK the haters who try to ruin shit for everyone else! They lose.
 
I share your disdain for rehabs. They have a saying in recovery. You can spend $10,000 for a big book (or NA basic text) by going to a rehab or spend $10.00 for one, actually nine by skipping the rehab and going to a meeting. I've been clean 61 days, alcohol, weed, ect... I can't do those drugs. But everyone is different (I'm not being facetious- being sincere).

Fuck rehabs. Personally I don't like dumbasses telling me what to do. You done good. Good luck with staying off the dopiates and benzos and anything else you choose to abstain from.
 
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