I am an addict.

[BarefeetBlueJean]

I don't even remember how many times I have been to the ER from horse accidents. I've had broken bones to 2nd degree burns from getting drug by a 1200 lb horse. Ever since I was little I've had injuries. When I was 16 my saddle got caught on a gate and it ripped, I slammed into the metal right in my rib cage and landed right on my ass. Ever since then I've had a huge bump on my lower back. It gets irritated when I move or bend a lot and if I fall or hit my back I will be off my feet for a day from the pain. I had falls since then but nothing serious to my spine. I had 7 fractures and my L5 sticks out farther due to the damage. I had 2 babies, a girl who was tiny and a 10 lb boy. I pushed him out in 3 min my vagina went tighter then before and that's cause the horse riding my muscles are very tight. Anyways he did a number on my back, my hips and spine still haven't shifted into place. 3 months after I had him I slipped in my bathtub and land right on my butt. That's when the pain got worse. Every single day I wake up with pain. My lower back is so tight and swollen I have to take monster rips from my bong to get going. And I have a 3 yr old and a 2 yr old to take care of. I live on a farm which is also my job. I am on my feet all day I have to clean, constantly run after my kids, clean up after an ungrateful husband. I feel like a failure when he comes home and there are dishes in the sink, toys are not put away, dinner isn't going and I'm not in a good mood. He hates coming home to that and I don't blame him. I love my meds, my tramadol I take in the morning because I don't feel pain and can get everything done and actually enjoy my awesome kids cause they love how mama is playing..I don't so muh when I don't have the tramadol. I have suboxoNE for that. When I don't take the meds or when I'm out I take a tiny piece every morning and that's enough til the next day I wakeup and feel sick. I don't want anything stronger because I know this can get worse my sister's best friend overdosed from H and they kicked her out of the car in an alley and let her die. She had a son. I am not going to leave my babies they need me. But I can't live my life like this. I am on an anti inflammatory and muscle relaxer but they don't seem to help any more. Im sorry for the huge story but I want anybody who wants to listen get the whole picture. I'm not looking for a high when I take my meds but my tolerance is up so I have to take 6 pills to last all day. Sometimes I take a few more. I have never gotten the slightest twitch from it and I am careful about the seziure risk. I get epidual injection's in my back but they only help so much. They eit her work or hurt and I need more meds.
Right now I have no medicine and a eraser tip size piece of sub. I will go to doctor next monday. But I have my life that still goes on this week. What can I do? My husband is mad and says he will lock me in a room for 2 weeks until I'm cleaned. He doesn't understand withdrawal he never felt it he smoke weed and drinks, alcohol is his problem he thinks I'm a piece of shit because I'm on medicine. I don't think doctors give it to people who don't need it.. I'm on my own I'm lost and scared. I don't think I can do this

 

[Smoky]

Hi, Welcome to Bluelight ! !

I do feel your pain. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, right now in your life. I understand chronic pain - I've had epidurals. WE have this -- > Chronic Pain MEGA Thread. Also, The Dark Side which might be very supportive for you now.

When you don't say you can do this, do you mean continue in your current state of being? I've been on all those meds you have mentioned and it's a very painful place to be. Please inform me if you would like me to move your post... or if I may answer any questions direct to your experience or the site.

Smoky