I am addicted to lying

[liarliar]

I decided to write here and ask for help because I almost lost my fiancee. First of all my biggest apology for grammar mistakes or punctuation, I'm not native English speaker, I am from Poland, but Polish threads are rather empty and it is hard to find active forums where I could get help.

I was lying since I remember. About very serious and least meaningful shit, like from lying about not eating some candy that was from my brother up to lying about desire to have baby with fiancee in other she'd not leave... I have huge problems with addiction to porn as well. My fiancee is such a wonderful woman. She is an angel, very educated, master of science degree, studied in China and Poland, has great job as manager in good company. I also had good job as brand manager but because of shit I've done I quit it in order to not lose my fiancee. On a company party I was dancing with workmate, then talking with her by the table and alcohol and then when I came back to hotel I've searched her on facebook. My fiancee knew about everything next day since one of my ex-workmates made photos of me and sent to her. Additionally some people form my ex-workplace and my fiancee's company know each other. I lied for 3 weeks day by day when she asked my how I danced, why I danced, why I had searched for her in facebook and the worst of all this was obviously a lie. Her plan was to treat as nice and loving as always so she'd expect me to say truth and give forgiveness. I just preferred to tell her she is crazy when she got into a binge asking me about business trip. I almost lost her. Just when she told she knows all the shit I admitted the things I've done. Now after couple days it is very unstable. I don't lie, I don't watch porn but she has literally 0% of trust. She is very nice anyway, all the time suggesting how to get help etc. I cannot afford to pay 100$ for psychologyst so I decided to search in the internet. Please people, I need serious people with serious knowledge and experience. I really want to stop lying, I want to prove my fiancee and son that I am a good, decent man. I want to marry her in 2-3 months. I promise, as long as some of repliers will be active I will always answer.

 

[liarliar]

Since yesterday my fiancee keeps asking me whether I had sex on business trip. No and it's true. She said someone from my ex-workplace sent her photo if me kissing someone. They play with me, they photoshopped the photo and she believes in it. What should I do to cinvince her??? She said the moment she will show me photo she will break up with me. But I will not admit to something I have never done.

 

[Cdkman]

I think she's bluffing..shes trying to get u to confess..sounds like when the cops have evidence and they say u will get a reduced sentence if u confess but they have nothing..these games are toxic..let her go if she wants to leave

 

[swilow]

Its a really hard one, particularly if you have unintentionally created a precedent for dishonesty. I had to work hard to regain my girlfriends trust after several years of being a lying junkie. I knew that I could not expect her to believe what I said when telling the truth because I had lied and obfuscated so much. What was worse, for me, was that my first ever relationship was with a beautiful, bubbly girl who unfortunately lied constantly and about things that were ridiculous. She would tell me she had bought clothes for me but I would never see them. She pretended to be studying art when she was really studying nursing. She even lied to her friends about me and what I did. I couldn't handle this and eventually broke up with her (after cheating on her too ) I am really against dishonesty and yet, when I realised I had been doing similar things, I was so devastated. I am still unsure of whether Miss Willow will ever trust me fully again; this is heart breaking for me, but I understand that I dug my own grave. I created that precedent and so must live with it.

If you have done nothing wrong, hold that in your heart. It will give you strength. Stop lying, it will lead you nowhere except to loneliness. There is no point in not telling the truth.

Good luck friend

 

[T. Calderone]

If you have been telling lies your whole life, it's going to challenge for you to just stop. I have a family member like this and it's not so simple to just say "I'm going to be truthful from now on." I mean lots of people embellish and I'm not sure the extent of your dishonestly. When you resume working, you can get healthcare right? If you find yourself lying in the future, maybe you could see a therapist or counselor. Either way, you have to earn that trust back over time. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I wish you the best and welcome to Bluelight!

 

[liarliar]

I think she's bluffing..shes trying to get u to confess..sounds like when the cops have evidence and they say u will get a reduced sentence if u confess but they have nothing..these games are toxic..let her go if she wants to leave

She is not bluffing, I've lied SO MUCH that I am really not suprised she believed in it. But I kept being honest so far and it starts to bring first good results. Also I have made mistake about describing my exact situation. I want to purely focus on lying. I don't want to drag out personal thoughts or actions that involve anyone besides me.

willow11 Thank you very much for sharing this informations. It is very helful. I was also in a process of digging my own grave. hopefully I will not push myself to fall in it. I wish you good luck as well friend!

T. Calderone So far I keep being honest and it brings only advantages. My lovely fiancee starts to notice it. Sometimes we argue badly but later she tells me she sees it is getting better so all I can do now is keeping the good work on top and show understanding attitude towards my love of life.

 

[murofthgileulb]

They play with me, they photoshopped the photo

Honest question, are you telling us the truth?

 

[liarliar]

Honest question, are you telling us the truth?

Yes.
In fact on that photo I don't even kiss anyone, my face is just close.

But I want to focus on lying itself, not particular examples. I am asking for approved methods of getting rid of the addicition. No more accordings to the stories from my personal life.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Your sharing this in an online forum is a big step if you ask me toward breaking the spell that lying creates in a person so congrats on taking that step. Also setting boundaries like you did just now about what you are willing to discuss and what you aren't and cultivating a self-awareness about those things that cause you to lie is important. Realize that so much about truthfulness is unspoken. People are sensitive to more than just words. Words are more like the manifestations of an inner reality. Your partner is aware of your inner reality more than you know, so relax a bit, and avoid pouring cement all over your situation.

Working realistically within your situation is the place to start. Affirming your commitment to truth everyday. Keep in mind it is a lifelong process, not just a commitment to saying the truth about the mundane things, like where you were last night. Truth is more than a story you tell, it is a viewpoint in your own mind towards life. We're all dishonest at some level about it so it isn't just a switch you turn off.

A commitment to truth is also a commitment towards cultivating mindfulness and self-awareness so that you can see things from a different perspective as they are happening, so that there is a spaciousness between what is happening and how you are acting on that. There's a big difference between reacting to something and responding to it. The latter starts to happen when you align with truth. It might be awkward at first, but you'll get better at it. It isn't about perfection and confessing every little untruthfulness and self-judgement; start by accepting responsibility for your untruthfulness for yourself and gently guide yourself away from it. Avoid creating untenable situations for yourself that leave you no choice but to lie. Admit your prejudices to your higher-self but refrain from judgements. Start being truthful about the nature of truth.

 

[liarliar]

levelsBeyond, well said friend. So far I keep my mind and words in honesty. At least towards fiancee and parents. I have been reading Susan Forward's book
"When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception"
I managed to persuade my fiancee to read it. The book is great even for the causer of relationship crisis which is myself. I understand now what she felt. It came out most
of appropriate steps I've already made before I read the book. I am sure after she reads it, we will be much stronger. I have also reminded in 1st post that I have a porn addiction problem but so far I didn't watch. Sometimes she doesn't believe me but fortunately we can always visit out internet supplier and get all acitivity log I am sure about myself. Life is better and better in this areas now. I will keep on update guys.

 

[herbavore]

I'm impressed with how you faced this problem. It took courage and commitment. I hope that your fiancé can come to see this as a very trustworthy quality in you.

 

[Ziiirp]

Maybe I'm missing the point, but what is wrong with dancing with a coworker and checking facebook for inviting pictures (there is the boundary) ? This thread makes it look, as if it is intensely contemptible to have platonic relationship to the other sex.

Perhaps I misunderstood, how severe is your "porn addiction" ?

 

[liarliar]

herbavore Thank you for good words, my fiancee said it's sweet what you wrote.

Ziiirp I never had very much of quality time with my fiancee. Just imagine, we never even danced together and before it for a year I was a compulsive liar about every small shit up to big things. So I not only danced with her (for longer than I should have), but searched her on facebook (it already looks bad) and after all I lied for 2 weeks about it, straight into her eyes. All of this was happening while she was spending money on psychologist, because she though she has problems...

 

[Jackies]

I think it's very brave of you to take this first step by writing here and admitting you have got a problem. i have friend who has been through the same in her relationship, it is very hard. you are trying to get yourself better, meanwhile her self-healing should not be dismissed. but the good thing is when couple recover from affair like this they usually become stronger and more trustworthy towards each other. you mentioned when she was visiting psychologyst, so she was willing to put effort to make things better. about the affair you were talking concerning the dance, you also should ask yourself if your fiancee did the same to you? or if she is doing the same but demanding you to behave. if not she should be suffering more than you think from your lies and porn addiction. for women those 2 behaviours are deadly dangerous to their desire towards commitment. you are doing the right thing by saying the truth to her and fight with your porn addiction. you perhaps need professional help, i suggest you and her go together because she could be emotionally traumatized.

 

[liarliar]

Ziiirp I am sorry, I forgot to mention about porn addiction. Watching porn became a habit for me since I was 14-15 years old. So for 7 years I was binge watching, sometimes couple times a day... I stopped watching one month ago but me and my fiancee are still feeling the consequences. Regaining her trust is a very long process. Every smallest mistake or suspection leads to argument and I have to start over but with time it gets more firm. I see we have some results. No matter what I will not stop. And one thing I can say to the ones who are still watching porn: guys it is cheating if you have someone. No matter what you think, you're getting sexual satisfaction from other women who you watch on videos. And the consequences = bad and weak sex experience.

 

[Greymare]

Liar, it's prob more common then you think! it could be helpful to look at it as a learned behavior, that cAn be changed with some help and not such an enormous character flaw
the father of my child lies constantly without even knowing it, he's an alcoholic and It's become a pattern because it was useful!
He could avoid negative consequences if he wasn't truthful.
If you do something over and over it can become "hard wired" into your brain...that's a basic way of explaining it. (not totally neurologically accurate I'm sure).anytime anyone uses a behavior often enough they are just more likely to keep doing it ..and will have less control in making a conscious decision about using it or not
You could look into different behavioral therapies that can help you understand and change your thoughts/behaviors.
For me umderstanfing the neurological and physiological components of my addiction just made me feel like less of a total failure and horrible waste of life. It also gave me a way to distance my SELF from my behaviors and gave me a better way to frame my recovery..it just seemed lest existential hopeless and overwhelming. Don't know if that helps at all your very self aware ..I wish my child's father could be like that!

 

[swilow]

And one thing I can say to the ones who are still watching porn: guys it is cheating if you have someone. No matter what you think, you're getting sexual satisfaction from other women who you watch on videos. And the consequences = bad and weak sex experience.

Whilst there definitely can be negative consequences of watching too much porn, I think you are being too hard on yourself by calling it cheating. What we do in fantasies are often things we wouldn't do in reality. Fantasies are a way of testing the waters. Its not cheating- cheating is something real.

 

[liarliar]

Whilst there definitely can be negative consequences of watching too much porn, I think you are being too hard on yourself by calling it cheating. What we do in fantasies are often things we wouldn't do in reality. Fantasies are a way of testing the waters. Its not cheating- cheating is something real.

I don't agree with you. The reality is if you watch porn and masturbate to it, then you have orgasm by looking at other women. I don't say you shouldn't do it when you're single but while being in relationship I definitely would not like my fiancee to masturbate to porn by watching some other guy's d*ck... I don't think I am too hard on myself, I was too easy on myself.

BTW: We're preparing for marriage I think until ceremony I will get my relationship stable and we will be a happy wife and husband!

 

[Moreaux]

I don't agree with you. The reality is if you watch porn and masturbate to it, then you have orgasm by looking at other women. I don't say you shouldn't do it when you're single but while being in relationship I definitely would not like my fiancee to masturbate to porn by watching some other guy's d*ck... I don't think I am too hard on myself, I was too easy on myself.

BTW: We're preparing for marriage I think until ceremony I will get my relationship stable and we will be a happy wife and husband!

I couldn't agree more regarding porn. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! I've been following this thread for a while, and thought I posted but I guess not. I commend you for acknowledging your issues and taking steps to resolve them. Since you are aware of the issues, your chance for success in resolving the is very high, as is your chance at a happy life with your soon to be wife I think it's fantastic that you guys are actively working on it together, that you have included her on your path to recovery. I think that inclusion will only make the relationship stronger. I wish you the best!

 

[swilow]

Each to their own. I just don't believe masturbation over porn is anything like cheating. But if it makes you feel guilty then best avoid it. Just don't feel too guilty, I look at porn and am in a 12 year relationship, its natural to fantasize. My love doesn't mind as long as I still Fuck her :D