• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS I always have to be on something, can anyone explain this?

Eyes On the Roll

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
692
Location
Heaven
Like the title says, I always have to be on something.

I'll admit that I'm a poly-substance abuser. I've never cared what it was that I was taking, as long as it took me away.

I used to mix drugs upon drugs.. I'd literally take lsd, ecstasy, cocaine, xanax, oxycodone, all at once. I didn't care. I've always just wanted to get as far away as possible.

Just got through cancer.. and my prescriptions are gone (was addicted to oxycodone before that), doesn't matter though, because it's not hard for me to quit a drug, because there's always another one out there.

I'm also on felony probation, so I can't smoke weed, or do anything else within 5 days (which I haven't done because I'm too paranoid).

I drink on a daily basis, but only because I have adhd (hyperactive) and it helps me fall asleep. And I only drink 3-4 beers.. just so I can get tired enough.

But I swear to god, I don't know if it's my ADHD or not, but I cannot stand being in my normal state of mind. I just can't. I have to be ingesting something.. whether it's caffeine (which calms me down), or Kratom, which gets me high, or alcohol, which helps me sleep. I'm 22 years old, and I'm an extreme introvert, almost to the point of autism, so trust me.. I know myself.. but I just cannot stand being in my normal state of mind.

When I'm sober, I'm empty. I don't feel ANYTHING. Nothing at all. I'm dead inside. I don't care about other people, I'm selfish, I'm manipulative, and I'm cruel (that's when I'm sober).

When I indulge in substances, I actually feel something.. I feel like I'm alive, and that I can relate to other people. And note.. this isn't a drug problem. It is a problem that has stemmed from my birth. I've never been able to connect with anyone, I've always felt like I was dead inside.

Is there anyone else that can relate? I swear I've tried everything to cure this, from psychiatric prescribed drugs... which just made me violent.. and then to self medication, which seems to neutralize me into a zombie like state.

Am I the only one? How can I fix this? Because honestly, I'm tired of coasting through life feeling nothing, and this is how it's always been for as far as I can remember.
 
I can kind of sort of relate. I've been on psychiatric drugs since I was 12 (I'm now 22.) For awhile it was just anti-depressants, which made me numb. Then I discovered other "stuff." I'd never mix that many drugs, though, unless I was trying to kill myself!
 
How long have you been using substances?

In a way, I can relate. My vice is pharmaceuticals- pills. This is similar yet to different to what you are going through. For me, if I'm not taking a pill that's prescribed to be, I need to take SOMETHING, even if it's a tylenol, benadryl, advil, etc. It soothes me.
 
all i can say is see a therapist about why you feel the need to constantly be high i just don't like my life so i abuse my much needed medicine which puts me in a bad place from running out too early
 
I completely understand about not wanting to feel empty and dead inside. I'm on psychotropics and I'm stifled by them. Maybe you have a problem producing endorphins, or the mechanism to receive and process endorphins is screwed up. It might even have to do with the thyroid or human growth hormone. Definitely see a psychiatrist, if you can.
 
I can entirely relate and I have ADD and depression too. For me getting sober, finding God, and exercising made the biggest difference. But even none of that cures it all, and the rest I just have to muscle through on a day to day basis. I guess what I'm saying is, your not alone. Seek solutions :) And then try them and see what helps and what doesn't. There is no cure-all though in my opinion.
 
I feel ya OP. Were just depressed. We need to find a passion is all. But ya i need to be on something all the time..i feel ill go crazy if i dont.
 
Eyes On the Roll said:
When I'm sober, I'm empty. I don't feel ANYTHING. Nothing at all. I'm dead inside. I don't care about other people, I'm selfish, I'm manipulative, and I'm cruel (that's when I'm sober).

When I indulge in substances, I actually feel something.. I feel like I'm alive, and that I can relate to other people. And note.. this isn't a drug problem. It is a problem that has stemmed from my birth. I've never been able to connect with anyone, I've always felt like I was dead inside.
Click to expand...
Exactly the same for me. I don't see any future in my life.
 
yep completely understand, subutex, caffiene, adderal,benzos thats to wake up, kind fucked up... but i don't wail on benzo's, i take 4-6mg subutex daily and around 20-30mg of addies. However I would really love some soma's, may ask nextime..I'm a bike messanger/food delivery..so my muscles get twisted, I'll rage on my bike all day tho so fuck it....idk yes i am dependent on chemicals! but i work and dont STICK NEEDLES IN MY ARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!huge for me, I snort my sub, and addies, and drink about a pint a day after work+bong hits....so yeah chemically dependent yes, drug abuser not reallly!
 
This guy above me is definitely tweaking on Addie's to much specially when he wrote dat post lol jus messin but all seriousness u seem a lil gunho from dem addys an to the op i feel u bro I use to be the same way specially back when I was in high school but after that all I had money for was heroine that was my only love then I'm jus trying to stop now today is my first day clean I have to cuz I'm on pretrial probation an dont wanna fuck up an I wanna stay clean for my family an myself but bro u should see some kind of doctor an try to learn to live life without drugs u don't need to be high to enjoy things an it takes awhile to do that but if u really can't then jus try to keep the drug use to a minimum
 
You're not the only one. I manage with suboxone, minimal benzos, and beer. I know and dread that "dead inside" feeling, too. It's awful. I've gone to shrinks and honestly gave almost every anti-depressant a shot (Wellbutrin seems to work the best for me, but I can only take it for a few weeks at a time, then It craps out on me). I goto CBT sessions which help a lot. Just make sure you find a good therapist, otherwise, it's pointless. I wish I didn't have to use anything, but for now, its all I have or I face dismal and complete dispair.
 
rx_prn said:
How long have you been using substances?

In a way, I can relate. My vice is pharmaceuticals- pills. This is similar yet to different to what you are going through. For me, if I'm not taking a pill that's prescribed to be, I need to take SOMETHING, even if it's a tylenol, benadryl, advil, etc. It soothes me.
Click to expand...

My parents had me taking anti depressants starting at around age 12. That didn't last too long though, because while I was on them I repeatedly initiated fights at school over the littlest things.

The first time I ever left my sober mind was when I was 17, when I tried weed for the first time. That's when I actually started to get a social life, become somewhat normal, have a girlfriend, and a bunch of friends. But up until age 17 I was not a person you would want to be around. I Never had anything nice to say so I just never said anything at all, I was always irritable and angry, and a complete textbook introvert (did nothing but read books in spare time/schoolwork, never went out).

I'm mostly locked in my sober mind these days. I haven't drank alcohol in 3 days, haven't used kratom in a week. Just been drinking coffee and energy drinks. It just sucks cause when I'm like this I feel so dead inside. I dread becoming that teenage boy again that I used to be. Completely dissociated from everyone around me, locked in my own head, angry, selfish, and uncaring. That's what I become when I don't have a substance that wakes up my emotions and helps me actually feel something.

If it wasn't for the beat of my heart, I'd have thought I'd died a long time ago.

I'm not sad or depressed btw. I guess I do have some symptoms of depression, like the deadness inside, but I'm honestly not a sad or depressed person. I actually never get sad, and don't think I really ever have been sad. It's just nothings there, and it has always been like this.

And to those who say try psychotherapy.. I have a few times. I've gone to a few psychiatrists but they just wanted to give me a bunch of zombifying drugs, which I tried. My last psychiatrist that I had when I was 20, in '10, was so bold to break our confidentiality and to call my dad and tell him that I was not to be trusted.. I'm not sure exactly what he told my dad but my mom made it seem like this guy was trying to make me look like a psychopath or something. Which is not true at all. Never went back.

Psychologists just don't get me. I feel like I know way more about myself than anyone ever could. I've tried to open up with a few psychotherapists but they just didn't understand. I made no progress so I stopped going.
 
Last edited:
Im the exact same way except for me I dont take a bunch of different drugs, I find one I like and stick wit it. Its been opiates and specifically heroin for the past few years. I think my problem is that I cant stand to be in my own skin. I dont lack self-confidence or have trouble communicating wit peope or making friends, its actually quite the opposite. I just cant stand the sober state of mind. I def believe I could benefit from some kind of mental health help because I do believe Im depressed... just feel like somethings missing in my life but cant quite but a finger on it... idk
 
Yeah i don't trust ANY of these psychiatric drugs.

I self medicate with opiates, weed, and occasionally benzos and the occasional odd other drug.

I only really like weed and opiates though, i hate taking any medication other than these.
 
This is also one of the questions I tend to ask myself frequently. Trust me, I can totally relate to your emotions. For me it is either chemicals or alcohol. One or the other.
I have been through this long enough to know that it is a repetitive cycle that will never end, unless I do something about it. It is always easier said than done. 8(

Maybe you can try to think of a root cause of why all this is happening - please do not think that this is a problem that has stemmed from your birth. I know my words wont weigh a lot as I myself is living through this too but I know, and I want you to know that we can be free one day. Eliminate the root cause, and the rest will follow up due course.

I wish you all the best - and hope that we can reach that day soon. :) Peace.
 
I'm the same way OP, 22 as well. Normally pretty introverted but when high on weed, complete introvert! The worst thing is when you are quiet and someone asks why you aren't talking... as if these fucking cunts don't realize that we could be talking ... just don't want to. God that pisses me off, i used to be on something at all times as well OP but not anymore cause my parents are tired of it . They want to kick me out, and will if i keep screwing up. These days i just smoke weed on the week ends, but every single day i am dying on the inside.
 
So from all these posts, one can infer that it is NOT normal to NOT use substances every day. Which makes us all pretty normal people then! :-P
 
Normal people on Bluelight...

I am the same way, although it has gotten better over the last 20 years or so. I limit myself to caffeine, sometimes adderal + klonopin for daytime and Xanax & Ambien to go to sleep. If I have none, I don't sleep and I am essentially useless without the 'pre workout' drinks that have a ton of caffeine, grape seed extract, taurine, guarana, etc - but I need the Kpin to stay calm at the same time. Otherwise I would never leave my room, and definitely would not talk to anyone, much less do my job.
 
^ Lol even though those may be prescribed that is total drug abuse. If i were to take adderal+ klonopin and xanax + ambien to sleep every night i'd be one content person! That is taking recreational drugs every day..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top