I always have a hard time saying what I want to...

1/13/10 A retarded thank you to Over Done
By empty_remains


This is the only place I feel at home enough to post my shit. Part of me is weary on saying everything I feel cause there are a few people in my life that I would rather them be in the dark about my feelings. But fuck it..
There is a lot of bad places for me to go in my head and lately i've been spending too much time there. Dwelling on things I have no control over and tons of shit from my past. I've written about needing to move on and it's one of my biggest flaws. My OCD kicks in overtime and I can't make myself let the hell go. Of anything really, I've been carrying this resentment for someone for almost a year now and I try to tell myself she'll get whatever she deserves, good or bad. That it's not up to me to have any say over the possible outcome of her actions no matter what I may think. It took me talking to a close friend to realize this and I have to thank him for his help in that respect. I can admit that yes I was hoping to see her fall in anyway, but I want to be the better person here and right not she is wishing that on me so HAHA to her I'm going to take the high road on this one and do the right thing.
To state one of my flaws that I hate, yes up until the past few months I have been dragging my feet on getting my shit together. Again I have to thank my friend for giving me the inspiration to get off my self pity pot and do what I need to do. It was never that I didn't want my daughter back I was just in this downward spirial that I couldn't pull myself out of without help.
To make this clear I'm not putting you on a pedestal, I know you hate that. You've just been there for me through thick and think. Most people would ditch after the things I had put you through, and I'm thankful to have met you when I did.
So enough of that.
I'm doing the best I can now and yeah it's insanely hard but I don't want to give u until I have Syl (my daughter) safely back in my arms.
Thank you to everyone that been there for me through my sometimes insane rants and raves on this site. It means a lot to me that people who don't really know me care even enough to take the time to read and post comments on my posts..



*This is a copy of what I posted on DP, it's more what I really wanted to post on here as well as what I just did a little bit ago.*

 

I'm sure your friend understands completely and most likely can relate. True friendship isn't a matter of convenience, its more about being there when needed.

Shit, maybe he's grateful for being at the right place at the right time. Friendship is typically beneficial to both parties so, check this out, everyone wins!!!! Cool deal!

 

agreed
a friend in need is a friend indeed

I sometimes feel like I overload my mates wiv too much shit cos of my own mental illnesses and drug problems
I hav one friend whos bn my mate since we started private school as 10 yr olds - I got into drugs that yr; she didnt
I was friends wiv her only wen it was 'convenient' from that time on (she and I were mates cos we were both horse-mad, and we rode together) - my 'cool druggie friends' came first
by the time I left school I was a wreck; a crazed fucking meth-addled lunatic who cooked and sold crystal meth and prostituted myself for heroin
she was still there for me; evry time I detoxed and promised 'never again' shed know it wasnt my last hit, but shed still b there to hold me wen I was dope-sick, or stay up wiv me all night wen I was tweaking out bad and seeing and hearing voices

I got really abusive wen I was coming off drugs, esp meth, but that woman has stood by me to this day
and I still use crystal meth - not to the extent I did, but I still go on stupid binges; I know I'm a meth addict (I'm on methadone for the heroin)

the point is she never gave up on me, even tho I took advantage of her really
shes always wanted her own horse - I hav 2 horses, and if she didnt hav a busy job, I'd gift her my best horse (the one in the avatar), not just cos she luvs him and has looked after him during times I've bn too sick to care for him, but cos she deserves sumthing special
I cant truly give her wat shes given me, or ever repay her

I used to feel like shit bout this, but I've come to realise that she chose to b there for me....cos she loved me
cos wen she looked at me she saw more than a useless junkie and burnt-out tweaker wiv personality disorders, severe ADHD and mental illness - she saw wateva I dont see in me, a person she liked and found fun
her first friend at intermediate school wen she was shy - now I look back on it, I've never bn shy and I remember seeing her sitting alone and bowling up to her in my usual raucous way, saying 'hey I'm Lydia' and rambling on bout myself, which got her opening up
maybe there was something that I did for her there a long time back

ur friend values u for a reason - no matter wat it is, there is one

sorry I tend to tell my own stories like that as a way of illustrating how circumstances work out in similar ways I guess

u must b rapt to hav ur daughter coming back - Syl, is that short for Sylvia? its a luvly name
I dont understand wat its like cos I dont hav children (tho I'd like to hav them wen I finally get my life together) - but I cherish my horses, and both of them r living wiv utha families atm (Maverick, the one in the avatar, is being leased out to a teenager wanting to do some higher show-jumping, while I come off valium, which I'm finding particularly hard as I'm an epileptic so its giving me fits, meaning I'm not allowed to compete on the show-jumping circuit currently, and I dont want him going to waste in a paddock or he gets in trouble) and Apache, my young one is still wiv my cousin, taking a break but being ridden by him occasionally (my cuz bred him/broke him in), while I find grazing for him and his brother Blaze, who my cuz is considering selling to me since the 2 brothers r close mates
they're like my children so I sorta know wat its like to pine for ur babies wen theyre not wiv u
I know a horse is no true comparison but u know wat I mean

hope u and Syl r reunited soon - sounds like u miss her

 

^I always dig your replies DW.
ER, glad to see you blogging again!