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Relapse I already relapsed... Hasent even been 2 weeks... **Graphic story inside.. just a heads up.. sorry**

Hey Chris,

Thinking of you. How are you holding up? Hope you check in. We're thinking of you.
 
Hi Chris, Hope you are well?
Life is a journey, I was born an Addict and I will Die an Addict ( its how I am wired) some of it is very good, and helpful part of my personality, some not so good. But I am not a BAD person, just have a Disease.

My DOC is Alcohol, but now I am in Norco Hell, due to Cancer Treatments [ lots of Radiation 11 years ago, and side effects]

I am taking 10-30mg of Hydro/ day:cry: , and would like to stop, but pain and withdrawals Suck. But I keep trying everyday, do NA/AA meeting and come on BL everyday.
so thank you for your honest share.
JP
 
Chris, wow...what a story. I cannot believe how difficult that would be. I read it a couple of times. I am so sorry. I hope you are doing better. I know there are a lot of users in the medical profession. They deal with a lot of stress and really difficult circumstances day in and day out. Thanks for sharing. It is good to know what others are going through and why we use. Keep us posted.
 
Stargazer said:
Hey Chris,

Thinking of you. How are you holding up? Hope you check in. We're thinking of you.
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Hey there! Hope everyone is doing good! Finally got a new computer, so im back! Im back on day 1 (hour 26)... Hopefully this "attempt" goes better lol The withdrawals are starting to kick my butt... I ended up taking a few days off work so I wont have to go through them while im there. Got 10 days to get better!

Thank you for all the replies :) I definitely appreciate it!
 
Chris!

I’m so glad your back and happy to see that you are trying again! Congrats on one day down. Day one is always the hardest for me because it’s the easiest to give up.

I’m glad you have some time off work to get better. How’s everything been since we last heard from you?

How are you feeling physically? I’m sending you all of my good vibes.

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
Chris!

I’m so glad your back and happy to see that you are trying again! Congrats on one day down. Day one is always the hardest for me because it’s the easiest to give up.

I’m glad you have some time off work to get better. How’s everything been since we last heard from you?

How are you feeling physically? I’m sending you all of my good vibes.

- VE
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Hey there! And thank you! Day 1 is the hardest for me too. It helps that I zero stuff left, so I cant "use" even if I wanted too lol I made sure I had none (flushed it down the toilet) haha. Physically im not feeling the best... Im drenched in sweat...having to change every hour, having bad hot and cold flashes, nause/vomitting, runny nose, and horrible muscle cramps.... Im surprised its this bad... since its only hour 27/28. Im just glad im off work, that will defnitely make it better for sure.

Thank you very much for the good vibes!! :) :) :)

Other than the WDs, everything has been good, just been hanging in there haha.
 
Chris42393 said:
Hey there! And thank you! Day 1 is the hardest for me too. It helps that I zero stuff left, so I cant "use" even if I wanted too lol I made sure I had none (flushed it down the toilet) haha. Physically im not feeling the best... Im drenched in sweat...having to change every hour, having bad hot and cold flashes, nause/vomitting, runny nose, and horrible muscle cramps.... Im surprised its this bad... since its only hour 27/28. Im just glad im off work, that will defnitely make it better for sure.

Thank you very much for the good vibes!! :) :) :)

Other than the WDs, everything has been good, just been hanging in there haha.
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I believe in you guys
 
Chris42393 said:
Well... I already relapsed :cry:?. Its only been 12 days and I'm extremely disappointed!! I was doing sooo good.... and thought I could keep it up... but something got the best of me...

**Graphic warning** ... Something horrible happened at work and I couldnt get it out of my mind and have been up for a few days now because of it... For some people who dont know, I work for Fire/Rescue. We responded to a minivan vs. a semi-truck. The mini van who had 3 occupants rear-ended a stationary semi-truck at about 60-70 mph. Upon arriving on scene the van was completely destroyed... It was obvious that the people inside, were probably dead. It was one of the worst one's ive ever seen... I walked up to it and seen a young girl. She was completely decapitated... her head was in the back seat and there was also massive trauma to her upper torso as well. She couldnt have been more than 10 years old (probably younger). The mother, her body (thoracic region) was almost torn in half as well. You could literally see everything inside of her. The kid in the back, also very young (younger than the girl)... wasnt restrained in a seat belt. He was ejected from the vehicle and hit the back of the semi truck. His body was mangled to the point where every bone appeared to be broken (also had an open skull fracture to where you could see his brain). He was bent completely in half (not like touching your toe's "in half", but the opposite way.. if that makes sense). It was horrible...

After the call, we had an "after action" meeting, to make sure we were all okay. Its kinda like "therapy". Well being Firefighters, we all think we're tough and nothing bothers us... and we all try to hide our "emotional" problems after bad calls. Typically nothing really does, but this was the first time this has happened. Ive never seen anything so horrible... And ive been to hundreds upon hundreds of vehicle accidents.

Well... after a few days of not sleeping and not being able to get them out of my head... I relapsed, trying to be able to sleep and stop thinking about them. I found extra heroin in my dresser drawer and used... For the first time in days, I was able to sleep and get them out of my head... feeling normal again.

Now im back on day 1 again, hopefully, ill be able to stay like this. Time will only tell...

(Sorry, I had to talk about it... I just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.)
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Progress in abstaining from a drug is not linear. You're not back to where you started. Those 11 days, you learned some ways to cope and had minor behavioral adjustments, so you know what to do while being sober. You can use these same patterns and continue from there.
 
Welcome back ??, but you never left?. This is a journey the thing they call life, we did not get an instruction Manuel at the start.
I too am on day -1 ?, will be using a small amount today to stay off withdrawals and feel normal. I am on a tropical island ? with my wife on vacation ( has rained everyday ☔️☔️??, and want to not be sick for her and me ?.
But I am aware of my problem and have tapered way down to less than 30 mg of Norco a day, and will go home with pills left ?? ( now that is new and different )
Please stay around , I love the honest Real life shares
 
Iceman1216 said:
Welcome back ??, but you never left?. This is a journey the thing they call life, we did not get an instruction Manuel at the start.
I too am on day -1 ?, will be using a small amount today to stay off withdrawals and feel normal. I am on a tropical island ? with my wife on vacation ( has rained everyday ☔☔??, and want to not be sick for her and me ?.
But I am aware of my problem and have tapered way down to less than 30 mg of Norco a day, and will go home with pills left ?? ( now that is new and different )
Please stay around , I love the honest Real life shares
Click to expand...
I wish you the best of luck! Sorry about the rain... That stinks! I can only imagine going through WDs while on vacation... Good idea to at least take a small dose to just feel normal!

I have decided to do this out patient recovery/detox program. They will be able to give me a shot called Vivitrol. Im actually really pumped about it! I couldnt use, even if I wanted too while being on it. I ended up seeing my MD today and he suggested I go to the ER because I was really bad (extreme tachycardia, hypertension, poss. electrolyte imbalance, etc. etc.) and this MD there reccommeded this facility that helps people get off opiates and then mentioned that medicine. It can help cravings, which is huge for me. I was watching some videos online about it and it seems to help A LOT. I have to be drug free and be done WD'ing before they can give it to you (because it will put you back into WD's). Super pumped!
 
I’m not a regular on this part of the forum so I’m sorry if this comes off as inappropriate but if you were really trying to quit, why did you have some extra h lying around your drawer?

I’ve never truly tried to stop using drugs because I’m too afraid of failing. And that sounds like what you did.
 
HoldBack said:
I’m not a regular on this part of the forum so I’m sorry if this comes off as inappropriate but if you were really trying to quit, why did you have some extra h lying around your drawer?

I’ve never truly tried to stop using drugs because I’m too afraid of failing. And that sounds like what you did.
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You're absolutely right. Why would I? I probably should have thrown it away lol BUT the real reason why I didnt throw it away was because of my job... im always getting hurt and i wanted something to help with pain just in case. Was that a smart idea? Absolutely not.

Ill give you an example from a long time ago. I was was in a structure fire and my and my partner where on "search and rescue". We were on the second story when the floor collapsed and I fell from the second story, to the first with all my gear on. I fucked up my back really bad (probably why i still have problems today). When we do a workers comp claim and go to the clinic to be treated for injuries, we do not recieve narcotic pain medication. So the crap we get, doesnt do a single thing for pain. I wanted something to help just in case. Obviously that didnt work out too well lol.
 
I imagine they give you a prescription-strength NSAID and that doesn't do much, you're right.

Do you think maybe you were holding onto it because you imagine you might witness something like this that was hard to bear?
 
Chris42393 said:
You're absolutely right. Why would I? I probably should have thrown it away lol BUT the real reason why I didnt throw it away was because of my job... im always getting hurt and i wanted something to help with pain just in case. Was that a smart idea? Absolutely not.

Ill give you an example from a long time ago. I was was in a structure fire and my and my partner where on "search and rescue". We were on the second story when the floor collapsed and I fell from the second story, to the first with all my gear on. I fucked up my back really bad (probably why i still have problems today). When we do a workers comp claim and go to the clinic to be treated for injuries, we do not recieve narcotic pain medication. So the crap we get, doesnt do a single thing for pain. I wanted something to help just in case. Obviously that didnt work out too well lol.
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I’m going to do my best to not come off as combative here.

It sounds like your line of work is incompatible with you staying clean and if that is truly your goal (ie being clean), then you need to look for a different line of work.

Otherwise, be ready for a never-ending cycle of relapses. Don’t get me wrong, 1 day being off drugs is significantly better than 0 days out of 100. It just sounds like to me that you aren’t really ready to quit (and make all the changes necessary to stay clean). That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try but you do need to temper your expectations and take some responsibility rather than blame external circumstances.

Once again, I apologize for being confrontational when you are trying to make positive changes in your life.

In summary, I’ve tried to get clean dozens of not hundreds of times. I’ve never committed to it, however; I’m far too afraid to make the changes in myself (rather than just my external environment).
 
HoldBack said:
I’m going to do my best to not come off as combative here.

It sounds like your line of work is incompatible with you staying clean and if that is truly your goal (ie being clean), then you need to look for a different line of work.

Otherwise, be ready for a never-ending cycle of relapses. Don’t get me wrong, 1 day being off drugs is significantly better than 0 days out of 100. It just sounds like to me that you aren’t really ready to quit (and make all the changes necessary to stay clean). That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try but you do need to temper your expectations and take some responsibility rather than blame external circumstances.

Once again, I apologize for being confrontational when you are trying to make positive changes in your life.

In summary, I’ve tried to get clean dozens of not hundreds of times. I’ve never committed to it, however; I’m far too afraid to make the changes in myself (rather than just my external environment).
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You're absolutely correct lol Thats why im trying to get back into day trading. There is pretty much unlimited upside to leaving my job. I cant even think of a negative, if I were to do so lol
 
Chris42393 said:
I can tell you A LOT of people in my department are using some sort of substance.
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At the societal level you have to ask yourself where we would be as a society without EMS, and where we would be without drugs to fuel hard jobs. What would the world look like if we didn't have things like methamphetamine, heroin? Would it be better? Worse? Arguably the latter in our current state of affairs.

Do you think you're doing your job for a sense of accomplishment or pride? Or do you just have no faith in the stock market right now? Remember, a years' worth of gains gone in a week. And everyone was in denial it was coming.

Work on saving yourself though. You have to value yourself the most buddy and I concur with the opinion you might be better off quitting your job. I don't want to tell you what to do though; I know a lot of people cannot just up-and-quit their jobs in today's world.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
At the societal level you have to ask yourself where we would be as a society without EMS, and where we would be without drugs to fuel hard jobs. What would the world look like if we didn't have things like methamphetamine, heroin? Would it be better? Worse? Arguably the latter in our current state of affairs.

Do you think you're doing your job for a sense of accomplishment or pride? Or do you just have no faith in the stock market right now? Remember, a years' worth of gains gone in a week. And everyone was in denial it was coming.

Work on saving yourself though. You have to value yourself the most buddy and I concur with the opinion you might be better off quitting your job. I don't want to tell you what to do though; I know a lot of people cannot just up-and-quit their jobs in today's world.
Click to expand...

I actually became a Firefighter completely by accident lol I originaly joined the Navy with a SEAL contract and the only reason why I became a Firefighter was because it was my "backup" job if I didnt make the SEAL Teams... I started having seizures 5 months in and got discharged. Figured Firefighter would be a "cool" job, so I went to the Fire Academy. I dont really have a sense of pride or accomplishment... Its just a job for me lol Being a SEAL was the only thing I've ever wanted to do. Everything else will just be a job to earn money.

As for day trading, I typically only day trade Crude Oil Futures. I dont hold the position for more than a few hours (if that). After I reach my desired "goal" I sell it and im done for the day. I figured if I make $200 bucks a day, Ill be all set. After taxes, that would be around what I make now.

Though Im still pretty young (26), I have a decent amount of money saved up, so if I needed to quit (for whatever reason), I could last awhile without needing a job.

After doing some thinking, this job is probably a big reason why I used (5 days clean now). I know thats an excuse, but it did play a role. Hopefully I can continue down this path of sobriety. Im going to try to get on this Vivitrol shot, so even if I wanted to use... it wouldnt do a single thing because it would just block out the effects.
 
Well, today is officially day 5! I have lowered my kratom dosage to 3 grams. Once in the morning and once at night. The WDs aren't too bad. Hopefully, I should be completely done by the time I have to go back to work (the 1st). My only symptoms are sweating and chills, which is definitely manageable. Typically the sweats get worse when im sleeping, so I sleep through most of it. I just wake up in a pool of sweat lol. My primary care doctor thinks I should be going slower with the taper (10% decrease each week), but I just want to get this over with. My next appointment is the 3rd, I'm HOPING to be done by then.
 
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