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Relapse I already relapsed... Hasent even been 2 weeks... **Graphic story inside.. just a heads up.. sorry**

Chris42393

Chris42393

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 3, 2016
Messages
1,384
Well... I already relapsed :cry:?. Its only been 12 days and I'm extremely disappointed!! I was doing sooo good.... and thought I could keep it up... but something got the best of me...

**Graphic warning** ... Something horrible happened at work and I couldnt get it out of my mind and have been up for a few days now because of it... For some people who dont know, I work for Fire/Rescue. We responded to a minivan vs. a semi-truck. The mini van who had 3 occupants rear-ended a stationary semi-truck at about 60-70 mph. Upon arriving on scene the van was completely destroyed... It was obvious that the people inside, were probably dead. It was one of the worst one's ive ever seen... I walked up to it and seen a young girl. She was completely decapitated... her head was in the back seat and there was also massive trauma to her upper torso as well. She couldnt have been more than 10 years old (probably younger). The mother, her body (thoracic region) was almost torn in half as well. You could literally see everything inside of her. The kid in the back, also very young (younger than the girl)... wasnt restrained in a seat belt. He was ejected from the vehicle and hit the back of the semi truck. His body was mangled to the point where every bone appeared to be broken (also had an open skull fracture to where you could see his brain). He was bent completely in half (not like touching your toe's "in half", but the opposite way.. if that makes sense). It was horrible...

After the call, we had an "after action" meeting, to make sure we were all okay. Its kinda like "therapy". Well being Firefighters, we all think we're tough and nothing bothers us... and we all try to hide our "emotional" problems after bad calls. Typically nothing really does, but this was the first time this has happened. Ive never seen anything so horrible... And ive been to hundreds upon hundreds of vehicle accidents.

Well... after a few days of not sleeping and not being able to get them out of my head... I relapsed, trying to be able to sleep and stop thinking about them. I found extra heroin in my dresser drawer and used... For the first time in days, I was able to sleep and get them out of my head... feeling normal again.

Now im back on day 1 again, hopefully, ill be able to stay like this. Time will only tell...

(Sorry, I had to talk about it... I just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.)
 
Chris -

I’m assuming you have heard the term, “replapse is part of recovery.” I know it’s a cliche, but I find it to be true. Don’t beat yourself up - good job picking yourself up and going on.

I have to run but I wanted to tell you real quick that I read your post and I’m so sorry you went through that. I’ll check in tomorrow and post some more!

- VE
 
Hey Chris,
I don't even know what to say...that story had my jaw on the floor. You are a hero but also human. So don't dwell too hard on your relapse. Just keep moving forward. Maybe if the feelings to use
continue, then its time to speak with someone? You have come so far, it would suck to have to do another repeat. Believe me, I know.
Best of luck to you
 
Hello again, Chris.

I work with firefighters (Wildland, not structural) - some of them have been through similar things (although, it doesn’t sound as severe - they are not first responders so I’m sure there is a big difference there). It makes me madder than hell when their district brings in a “grief counselor” or some shit after a horrific incident. They all just sit there looking at each other and it does no one any good. Professionals don’t like to discuss these sorts of issues with their peers around/in a group.

I would HIGHLY recommend that you seek some 1:1 counseling - not just for this incident but for ongoing stresses as a first responder. In my opinion, you literally have the most difficult and personally draining job that anyone can have. You are absolutely a hero, as love said, but you are human and need to find a way to process this. Self medicating with a drug is perfectly understandable until you find a better way to put those thoughts and images aside.

I wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you. Don’t get discouraged - you CAN do this. A relapse is what you make of it - it can be a road back into full on addiction, or a lapse that you learn from.

Please feel free to reach out or PM me if there is anything I can do to help you!

- VE
 
People here may not necessarily understand the specific mental challenges that your job leaves lingering mate, but they/we do know about reaching for a chemical buffer/blocker just to function at a relatively sane level. May I ask if any of your colleagues know about your usage, or is that a very isolated aspect for you too?
 
chris I think you should see some one seeing stuff like that isn't normal or atleast tell someone about it like family or friends
 
Thank you all for the nice comments. I do appreciate it. :)

Shortec-- Nobody knows I use... Just me (and the people on BL). I do my best to keep it a secret. Unfortunately, substance abuse is really common (for the most part) with First Responders, whether is alcohol or something else. Most of us just hide it, I know a few people at work that have problems as well. (obviously, we NEVER use at work)

VE-- I appreciate the reply and kind words! If I need to talk, I definitely will message you. Thank you very much :)

Lovemissle-- I might be getting to that point where I have too... My family has noticed I "changed"... and its probably because of the job... Thank you for the reply!

Appreciate the replies, everyone!
 
like others said if you can get counselling then do. what other help are you getting for your addiction?

drugs are what you're used to using to manage your emotions, so i think its pretty natural that what you described caused you to use. you need to put some work in to get alternative coping mechanisms because without them none of us really stand a chance.

don't beat yourself up. lapses happen. it doesn't have to be a complete relapse. i would have been 7 months clean of everything right now if i hadn't gone on a bit of a mad one last weekend, but i stopped while i still had the choice. hopefully you can too.
 
Well said @chinup.

No problem at all Chris. My Dad was a firefighter for 30 years so have a little idea of what it entails, and the burdens you carry. I would say to you that 1. Remember, You have trained relentlessly to get to be one of skilled and fearless people who we need in society when things go tits up. 2. Elevate that proud man you know you are as a firefighter, to the top of your list. 3. Know that you are not the first to do this kind of thing, nor are you alone in navigating it. 4. Then we can help you plan a route out of self medication (at least in the way you are now) Dm anytime bud!!
 
Awe, that’s so horrible. I understand trauma I really do, I don’t blame you for using.


Just keep your head up, I don’t have much to offer on the boards but PM me if ya need to talk.
 
Chris -

I also work in a profession that has a lot of addicts but NO ONE talks about it - generally for us, it’s alcohol. When I first started, I drank every day for three years. I finally had to quit so I didn’t turn into an alcoholic. I’ve never liked alcohol much, but I was heading in a bad direction with it, and I quit with no problems. I had to tell everyone that I can’t drink due to the meds I’m on - they finally stopped giving me shit for it after I said that.

I have a huge amount of shame around my use and would rather chew my own arm off than talk to someone I know about this. One of the things I’ve considered is going to a larger town, about thirty minutes away, and finding a meeting. Somehow it feels safer if I’m not in my own town. Have you considered finding a meeting out of your general area so you feel safe at least going? I know that it can be very helpful to just be around others in your position (you don’t have to talk or “share” If you don’t want to).

I finally broke down and talked to someone in my family a few days ago - not about addiction, but about helping me taper. I have autoimmune issues that cause pain, so I’m lucky enough to not have to give anyone any more information than “I want to be done with these.” Even that was immensely terrifying for me, but it’s done now and I do feel better that someone knows what I’m doing, even though they don’t know why.

Anyway, enough about me. I hope you feel better soon and are able to find some peace.

- VE
 
Damn that's brutal... Hang in there man, we need people like you. Not everyone can do it, that's for sure.
 
Thank you guys again for the kind words. Simply talking about it here has helped immensely. (y)

Chinup-- Unfortunately I'm not getting any other help at this moment. Talking to other people on BL has been my only resource (which works extremely well). But nothing professional, yet (ie. a therapist). Which will probably end up happening in the near future, for sure.

Shortec-- Thank man, I appreciate the input and help! And I definitely will :)

Sonic-- Thanks for the reply! And I will! Appreciate it.

VE-- That is a good idea about traveling a little farther. That would be better for sure. And thats one of the main reasons why I never talked to anyone about it (except my BL family). I would hate being judged... its not easy, for anyone. :)

Nutty-- Thanks for the reply man, definitely means a lot.

Thanks again everyone, hope you have a good night (or day)!

-Chris
 
Hey Chris!

That is very difficult. The visions keep playing over and over, the smells, the sounds. It's not easy.

It's understandable why you used. You wanted to shut your mind off. The problem with getting high is staying high. It's not sustainable or a majority of us wouldn't have stopped.

I agree with VE about grief counseling in group settings. I'm definitely more apt to fully open up one on one.

Don't beat yourself up. Nothing good comes out of it. A lapse doesn't have to turn into a relapse.

The bright side is you still can stop now. Please feel free to PM me anytime. ❤️
 
I am truly sorry you are the one that was called to that! I am the Charge RN of one of the biggest Emergency department in San Diego. I see stuff line that daily unfortunately. It sounds like it was 100% avoidable. The children should of been in safety belts and the driver should of been putting 100% attention on the road!!!
Relapse happens! As long as you do not make camp and live in that relapse for long, you shouldn't feel down on yourself. I am a struggling functioning heroin addict as well and understand how hard it is. I'm here of you need to talk
Also thank you for your service!!!!
 
Hey Chris, I'm really sorry for what you've gone through. Not everyone here is going to have experienced the kind of things you have, but many here have experience other types of horrific events that have left them with similar problems like what you described.

It would be very understandable if you were experiencing PTSD or acute stress reaction as a result of what you've seen. And self medication is very common in people suffering from it.

I agree with what others here have said that it would probably be a good idea if you tried talking to a professional about this one on one. Doing so isn't a miracle cure, and some people find it more helpful than others, but it's well worth a try. And of course you're also welcome to seek support here too.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for relapsing. It happens. And it's not the end of the world. Personally I've always avoided attaching to much meaning to how long I've gone without heroin, because I'm aware of how easily that record might one day be lost. And if that happens, I don't want the added stress of feeling like all that time was for nothing. Because that is of no help to recovery. Of course that's just my approach.

People are right to call you a hero. The sacrifice people in your position make for other people is one that no amount of money or appreciation can truly repay.

I'm wish there was more I could think to say that might help, but there isn't. Just know that you're not alone, and that there's a lot of people who want to help you any way they can. Take care.
 
I'm currently going through my own grief and loss, and just reading your story made me cry. I don't think I mentioned that in my original post.

I have a lot of respect for anyone who deals with this in their line of work.
 
Damn, dude. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I'm in tears here myself (also on day seven of CT'ing Oxy so I'll cry at an Excel spreadsheet). I have no idea how anyone could not be severely traumatised by what you witnessed. You'll get there. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I've been there. I use to use heroin years ago, got off it, thought 'how good am I? I can do this any time', relapsed but realised I'd already made the choice not to use and it held. It's part of the process. Oxy, though... sheesh. But my story isn't for the telling now.

Stay strong. You've made the choice already. You told us, we heard and we're here to help.

I actually registered just so I could comment on this post.
 
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