My bipolar type 2 and anxiety has been through the roof.
My moods and anxiety have been so extreme both ways that whether the treatments are toxic or not, I’m willing to take them because I am currently being mentally tortured.
I never sought help and I’ve denied that I had any problems at all ( it’s a shameful/male ego pride thing for me)
If I had to guess, I'd say it seems that you are aware of the suffering that the disorder brings you but are struggling to really accept that you may need help in dealing with it. I'm not sure what has changed from the time that you made this post to today, maybe it is part of the disorder, maybe it's some fear or avoidance of having to admit and deal with the issue. Maybe it's something entirely different, either way, based on this thread and some of your other threads that I've read, I think you would be making a good decision to seek treatment. I would think inpatient might be the best route if it isn't going to hurt you financially, but even intensive outpatient would be a good option as well.
I don't think there is anything shameful in asking for help when you need it. Sure, as a grown man, it might be embarrassing to ask for help to change a tire if I didn't know how, but I think it'd be far more embarrassing to just ignore it and keep driving on a flat until I'm riding on metal, at which point I'd have no option but to call for help after causing more damage. Of course, it's much easier(for most) to figure out how to change a tire on your own than it is to learn how to deal with disorders on your own. Changing a tire can be learned in a 5 minute video, where as learning to deal with disorders can take years of learning, growth, and probably many mistakes along the way.
Maybe if you try to look at it as your disorder is what is impeding your ability to function normally in society, rather than YOU are struggling to function normally in society. It's a subtle difference in phrasing, but it can have pretty big implications. Rather than looking at yourself as the problem, look at what really is the problem- the disorder. While it is your responsibility to deal with the disorder, you are so much more than just one aspect of your life, and even though it may be taking over every aspect currently, it doesn't always have to be that way. You can heal and grow, you are not static in nature- humans are constantly changing.