• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Husband and bupe and maybe other drugs?

LostWife said:
Yeah we've had a long history of trust issues. But i just think it was my intuition- That makes me sound like a crazy person, but i've looked through his phone MAYBE 3 times since we've been married (so 3 times in two years it's not like i'm snooping through his stuff every moment) But the 3 times i looked, there were txts regarding subs.. but this is over the course of 2 years like i said- so they could have all been 6/7/8 months apart.. Like i said it was only when i had a wierd feeling, or the 3 times he EVER leaves his phone unnattended, it's usually glued to him, he NEVER leaves it out in the open.

And the ceiling thing, the reason i looked in there was because there was ceiling tile dust all over the floor and i was like what the hell? so i looked in there and that what i found.

I have been a little bit snoopy the last week because of the things i've been stumbling upon but can you blame me?
Click to expand...

Yes, of course I can blame you. Marriage is about trust, not looking through your husband's phone and making all kinds of assumptions about him with people on the internet. You said you've looked through his phone 3 times (the only 3 times he left it unattended), so that means you have looked through it every time you could.

I'm not going to rant about how you should respect your husband's privacy, and be more trusting, etc. Because I know you wouldn't listen.

You clearly look down on drug users, even though you say that you don't because "you have a friend who likes to experiment." You need to realize that with opiates, its not just that easy to stop. He is probably ashamed and tired of taking them (which is why he is on suboxone) but he just can't stop. If you could just be more supportive, then he would probably feel comfortable telling you the truth.

You need to sit down and think about how his drug use/abuse/addiction is hurting you. Because it seems very possible it isn't doing any damage to you at all, except that he doesn't want to have sex with you...
 
id prob use drugs too if my wife threw a scale at me while i was sleeping, and read my text messages, and obviously didnt trust me 1 bit, the guy is probably unhappy and went back to things from his past that once made him happy
 
of course you can get high on subs esp if thats all you have done and arent on any other opiates i use to snort them in jail they are a huge drug of abuse i think you need to sit down with him and tell him your concerns and see his reactions i think like sumone else said if you havent got trust in relationship there aint anything we all make bad choices/decisions
 
wook said:
id prob use drugs too if my wife threw a scale at me while i was sleeping, and read my text messages, and obviously didnt trust me 1 bit, the guy is probably unhappy and went back to things from his past that once made him happy
Click to expand...

Really now? This is a marriage, and I think hiding his drug abuse is a slightly bigger issue then her looking through his phone. Obviously, she has to have a clue in her head that something was going on to make her check his texts. Whether you think that is appropriate or not, so be it, but if he is making it (for the most part) blatantly obvious that he is hiding drug use, then she has every right to view his texts to try and figure out what he is not telling her. She obviously cares for this man and she is reaching out to us for help with the situation. This is a marriage we are talking about, not some 16 junkie love relationship.
 
Take some of the comments here lightly. A lot of people here have drug problems and cannot be expected to contribute accurately or unbiased in regards to drug use. A lot of them probably have issues with their using and their significant others and I would not think it uncommon for them to project that person on to you. It is absolutely ridiculous to say that his drug use does not hurt you at all, except for not wanting to have sex with you. As someone who has gone through this, the sex issue is only the very surface. An opiate addiction is more like a mistress than a drug problem. As you probably know, his use has changed him. He might not be interested in sex but he is probably not interested in you at all very much anymore. If you try and demonize him you will only push him away, but if you condone a heavy opiate habit you will lose him nearly as equally. You both need to find that middle ground where you can speak and understand each other, the both of you, both of you expressing what you really believe is important.

Again, as someone who has gone through something similar, from the other end, if he is desperately addicted to opiates it will take a very strong relationship to weather that storm. On the surface it doesn't seem that you have such a strong relationship, but you really have to figure that out for yourself.
 
Last edited:
The fact that you say you have gone through this before clearly means that you cannot be objective either. You are also projecting your feelings onto her husband, who you have never met.

For a lot of people, having a significant other with a drug problem could really not cause any problems. It is often just their ego, they think "am I not enough for him? Is that why he needs drugs?" And their insecurities and response to the problem causes more damage than the problem itself.
 
For the record, I don't have any issues with my substance abuse causing problems with my significant other. I am totally honest with her. Now I use opiates for pain, but I used them before and it still didn't cause any problems. Sex was the main problem, and I made an effort to have sex with her regularly and bought her a vibrator to keep her happy on the days when my pain is out of control.
She is a straight shooter, doesn't touch any drugs stronger than weed.

So yes of course my opinion is biased, because I know a relationship like this can work. The problem is that she doesn't trust him, or accept her husband for who he is. I am not saying he is right, he should have been honest with her, but maybe he would have been if he thought she would accept him.
 
You guys gotta drop the shit against lostwife. I wasn't offended or bothered by a single thing she said.
And YES lostwife opiates are #1 for killing sexdrive. Meth or adderall can have the same affect except rather than really losing the drive you more lose the physical ability to get hard. If he wasn't taking some sort of drug (I should really say when *I* don't take drugs) my sexdrive goes through the roof. Thats actually in my opinion a great way to monitor how often he uses. If it seems like everyday he doesn't wanna have sex, theres a chance hes abusing that often.

Now I wanna say about her "superficial" relationship that is by far the stupidest fucking comment I have read in this thread. You have NO IDEA what their relationship was like when they got married, and thats an ignorant statment to make because you DON'T KNOW.

I ALSO want to say in superficial relationships you DON'T CARE what your partner is doing. She wouldn't be snooping unless there was some sort of real love at one point and time, so please keep your mouths closed with the judgements its annoying me.

And PLEASE with the "I'd be using drugs if my wife threw scales at me" what kinda of pussy could you possibly be? You're gonna go get high because your wife is checking your phone? That doesn't mean a single fucking thing about her except that she demands the truth and has a backbone.. gzzus christ how assinine people can be.
If I had a wife like her I prob wouldn't be using drugs. Its the people who don't snoop and are scared to snoop that enable drug addicts. And lets face it if you're a drug addict your getting high NO MATTER how great your wife is, so lets please stop being ignorant here.

I was very complimented that she had the faith as a nondrug addict to come to a board with so many active users and confide in our advice. How miserable must you be to give her such a hardtime.. seriously?

Shes got enough shit on her plate to deal with her husbands lying behind her back and living a double life you really think she needs to here that shit? Lost wife you sound smart enough to know what comments apply and what comments you need to ignore. Noone with any common sense here is gonna do anything but try to help you out. You sound like a good person and I can't stand some of the crap I'm reading in this thread. She has every fucking right in the world to know who shes married to. Its not even a shred of her fault that her husband invests so much energy hiding his real self from her, shes not fucking psychic and has a right to the truth so I commend her in every respect for what shes doing.
 
Magic_Hobo said:
For the record, I don't have any issues with my substance abuse causing problems with my significant other. I am totally honest with her. Now I use opiates for pain, but I used them before and it still didn't cause any problems. Sex was the main problem, and I made an effort to have sex with her regularly and bought her a vibrator to keep her happy on the days when my pain is out of control.
She is a straight shooter, doesn't touch any drugs stronger than weed.

So yes of course my opinion is biased, because I know a relationship like this can work. The problem is that she doesn't trust him, or accept her husband for who he is. I am not saying he is right, he should have been honest with her, but maybe he would have been if he thought she would accept him.
Click to expand...


On the one hand I can understand that relationships can be as different as people are different. I am sure that it is possible to have a fine relationship with someone while you are addicted to opiates, what that would mean about the nature of the relationship I will not speculate, really I won't because I just don't know.

To me it seems that the emotional distancing that can't help but result from the addiction could never be beneficial for a relationship. Sure everything might work out between you two, it might be fine, but when it comes to the point when you don't have your drugs, what is the relationship like then. Does your girlfriend still have the same importance to you when you are dying to get a fix.

For my experience, I only hid my drug use from my girlfriend for about 1/12th of the time I was using. For most of the time she was fully in the know, and I liked to tell myself that all was fine and good with it. It helped me be as I wanted to be, and I thought that could only be good for the two of us. Also she is fully aligned to the straight and narrow. It wasn't until I finally quit that I saw that my addiction had really distanced us.

This is really just my experience, my bad for generalizing it, but it's still my experience.
 
Admittedly I didn't read all your posts, LostWife, but it seems pretty clear that your husband was at one point an opiate addict. It seems that he is taking Suboxone now, but selling some of it. He may also be using other opiates (or other drugs) if like you say large amounts of his money disappear. And he apparently has adderall to sell. Its quite possible that the Suboxone was prescribed to him by a doctor for opiate addiction, so he may be trying to get clean. If used as directed, Suboxone can be a very useful drug that helps addicts break the cycle of addiction and lead a stable life. Adderall may have been prescribed to him as well for attention-deficit disorder.

I think you guys need to sit down and you should try to get him to be honest about his past and what's going on. Try to be non-judgmental even if it hurts you. Ask if he was addicted to opiates, if he is now, and if he's seeing a doctor who's prescribing these drugs to him. If that's the case, that's no big deal, but he needs to stop selling them. If he is abusing other drugs, you should talk to him about getting some kind of treatment for it, like rehab or an outpatient treatment.

Also, as someone who has been in his situation before...don't think that if he lies to you about his drug use that it means he doesn't love you or that he isn't trying to quit. Drug addiction can make people do things they would never ever do to other people otherwise. They will lie to loved ones, act selfishly, etc. It is difficult to break an addiction, but with modern treatment, it can be done.
 
I really cant believe no one has said this yet. To me it looks like your husband was a heavy opiate user at one point. All of that may be in the past now because you would surely know if he was heavily using any opiate. Suboxone is a maintainance drug and you may have to come to grips with the fact he may be using this to avoid using heroin, oxy, or any other full agonist opiates. The fact that he gets adderall reinforces the fact that he can surely get hydrocodone or oxy. If he can get suboxone of the street i would assume he can also get methadone, heroin, oxy or number of strong opiates too.

You really should be open minded more about the idea of him taking suboxone as maintainence. It appears that he has a past you obviously dont know about. If you push him to quit everything you may just push him right to shooting up dope. Search suboxone megathread to do some research about suboxone.
 
Yes, i did confront him a few days ago.

He had told me that he took the subs whenever he was feeling like he wanted to use something else. I asked him what it is that he wanted to use, and he said pain killers.

I asked him how he took the suboxone and he said he would take a little piece and put it under his tongue.. Which i read thats how you are supposed to take them.

He told me he wasnt going to use them anymore because he felt so guilty not telling me about it, but now that it's in the open he "isnt going to use them ever again" But is it that easy?

I figured if he at one point had a problem with pain killers and he tried to stop, but never went and got "proffesional" help, just tried to quit on his own and now he's taking these sub things to maintain his cravings, then how will he "just stop" using those? This is of course if he is using them how he says he is, which of course i want to believe him but after he's been hiding all this behind my back it's a little hard to.

I asked him why he didnt go to a Dr. to get them perscribed legally if he struggles with wanting to use drugs, and he said because Dr.'s are idiots and they'll get you hooked to it and all they want is your money. idk i still dont really know what to believe...

he still is acting a little strange, but i can tell that he's trying to be different. But yesterday for the first time in a few days he "went to the store" and kinda snuck out without telling me and was gone for quite a bit. so Idk
 
Georgie25 said:
Have you asked him about it yet Lostwife?
Click to expand...

Yes, i did confront him a few days ago.

He had told me that he took the subs whenever he was feeling like he wanted to use something else. I asked him what it is that he wanted to use, and he said pain killers.

I asked him how he took the suboxone and he said he would take a little piece and put it under his tongue.. Which i read thats how you are supposed to take them.

He told me he wasnt going to use them anymore because he felt so guilty not telling me about it, but now that it's in the open he "isnt going to use them ever again" But is it that easy?

I figured if he at one point had a problem with pain killers and he tried to stop, but never went and got "proffesional" help, just tried to quit on his own and now he's taking these sub things to maintain his cravings, then how will he "just stop" using those? This is of course if he is using them how he says he is, which of course i want to believe him but after he's been hiding all this behind my back it's a little hard to.

I asked him why he didnt go to a Dr. to get them perscribed legally if he struggles with wanting to use drugs, and he said because Dr.'s are idiots and they'll get you hooked to it and all they want is your money. idk i still dont really know what to believe...

he still is acting a little strange, but i can tell that he's trying to be different. But yesterday for the first time in a few days he "went to the store" and kinda snuck out without telling me and was gone for quite a bit. so Idk
 
fm1983 said:
Really now? This is a marriage, and I think hiding his drug abuse is a slightly bigger issue then her looking through his phone. Obviously, she has to have a clue in her head that something was going on to make her check his texts. Whether you think that is appropriate or not, so be it, but if he is making it (for the most part) blatantly obvious that he is hiding drug use, then she has every right to view his texts to try and figure out what he is not telling her. She obviously cares for this man and she is reaching out to us for help with the situation. This is a marriage we are talking about, not some 16 junkie love relationship.
Click to expand...

Thank YOU!!!

And to that other gentleman, No i did not look through his phone the only times it was available... He leaves his phone plugged in on his dresser every night when he goes to bed. If i wanted to look that bad, i could, every single day, but i dont. I looked 3 times in two years and each time it had something i feel i needed to see.

We are starting marriage counseling on Friday. We'll see how that goes.. This is something i really want to repair- He doesnt even want to go to the counseling, but i BEGGED him because I want to be able to trust him. He said that i can work on that on my own, but clearly i cant. I thought that if we met with someone trained to deal with these issues, they can give me some tools on how to repair the trust issue and i can learn trust him. I'm glad he finally consented to go. Like i said we'll see how it goes...
 
Makes sense he's using subs to help with his opiate problems. I was able to get clean for a good amount of time by just getting onto subs after a 2 year long IV heroin addiction. I did end up relapsing for a very short time about 4 months in but got clean again 2 days later. I will say it is hard to get clean without some kind of rehab, especially if he's taking the subs illegally and without a doctors supervision in the first place. And by the sound of it he seems like he is still using by being sneaky and leaving without telling you. I would do this all the time because I didn't want to explain where I was going because 99% of the time I left the house was to use drugs or to cop drugs. The best thing he could do would be to see a professional and get to the root of why he uses drugs in the first place, which for me to help with my lifelong struggles with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety.
 
Georgie25 said:
Makes sense he's using subs to help with his opiate problems. I was able to get clean for a good amount of time by just getting onto subs after a 2 year long IV heroin addiction. I did end up relapsing for a very short time about 4 months in but got clean again 2 days later. I will say it is hard to get clean without some kind of rehab, especially if he's taking the subs illegally and without a doctors supervision in the first place. And by the sound of it he seems like he is still using by being sneaky and leaving without telling you. I would do this all the time because I didn't want to explain where I was going because 99% of the time I left the house was to use drugs or to cop drugs. The best thing he could do would be to see a professional and get to the root of why he uses drugs in the first place, which for me to help with my lifelong struggles with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety.
Click to expand...

Yes, i did suggest that to him.

i told him if he ever has had or has a drug problem now then thats fine if he's willing to get help, that he cant continue getting this stuff illegally, and i will be there to completely support him if thats what he's willing to do. He basically laughed at me and said he's not going to an F-ing Dr. because they are idiots and he doesnt have a drug problem so he doesnt need to go to any sort of rehab program.

But my concern is if he's craving the pain killers enough to actually go get the subs to take them to help stop his cravings (That is if he's using them "correctly" ((yet still illegally)) like he says he is) Then Would that be considered some sort of problem?
 
Idk due to all his lying and deceit I dont think I could trust him to even be telling you the truth about why he's using the subs in the first place. He may be using pain killers and when he can't score he uses the subs. But by him not taking what you said to him seriously I would think he doesn't really think he has a problem (which he does by the way you describe) and that he doesn't want to get help..so until he does you're gonna be stuck in the same situation you are right now. Maybe you can ask him to take a drug test every now and then to prove to you he isn't lying? You need to set some conseqences for him so he knows you're not gonna take him going behind your back and lying all the time.
 
If he doesn't want to see a doctor because they're "idiots," I honestly don't believe he's ready to quit. I think he may just be telling you that, so you'll quit snooping through his phone, or questioning him about where he's going, why he's broke, etc.

There could be real problems, even WITH the suboxone. As, you can become addicted/dependent on the drug. That's why a lot of people just use them for a quick taper, and get off of them.

I would just stick by his side, instead of running away, or whatever. Marriage counseling sounds like a good idea, but maybe individual counseling would be a good ideal as well. Because sometimes neither party will be completely honest, while the other is in the room. So, I would look into that as well, that way you can both be completely honest about your situation. With the marriage counseling, you could work out the issues relating to your relationship, or at least try to, while going to separate counseling, could potentially help solve the issues you both have, within yourselves.

...But what do I know. Either way, good luck, and I hope everything works out for the both of you..
 
I just wanted to say that I didn't get the feeling that she hates drug users. She just isn't part of that particular culture so she doesn't know and she did make an effort to to learn more by making an account on a drug related website. There are tons of people like Lostwife who dont know much about drug use. I have friends like that and they try to understand drug use but they just have a totally different perspective than us users on the subject. I didn't get the vibe that she despises drug users at all, more like is confused by the whole thing and wants to learn more about it in order to save her marriage. These are signs of a person with an open mind IMHO. I think she is on the right track and for christ sake we all make mistakes when dealing with people. We all need to give her a break and be sympathetic about the difficulties that she is going through. Nobody is perfect and we need to be compassionate to one another. Lostwife, don't get upset by some of the comments made. Not all of use users look down on people that don't know much about drug use. We are learning as much about you as you are about us. I'm glad u came here for help and are making an effort to understand what your husband is going through and how to best deal with it. I feel privileged that you came here, to ask drug users, asking for help as opposed to asking someone anti drug. It shows that you are really serious about saving your marriage and want to learn all possible ways to solve this problem. Good luck. You seem like a good woman to me.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top