Hurt

Cannot fight this pain.
I am so devestated and I have a hollow inside me that aches ATM.
Am trying to distract myself from it but i feel like im dying inside.
I miss my Ex so much and he is the one person I cannot rely on/trust. I just cannot process this emotionally. Im trying to act okay but I actually feel like Im being punished for being me all the time.
Am trying not to be self-indulgent but am so lonely, I feel like a part of me has been amputated and I just dont work right anymore.
All I want to do is have him hold me but I dont want to interfere with his life and I dont want to give in to him; incase he feels im letting him in again and takes me forgranted.

I suck at this shit.
I need to get over this but dont know how to let go and am afraid.

 

Part of it, I think, is time. You were with him for quite a while, yes? It's going to take a while to get past him. It's okay to grieve for the relationship for a while, but in time you will move on.

Speaking in absolutes can be dangerous by the way. If there isn't someone else that you can trust right now, you will be able to find someone else in time. I'd wager though that you probably have some people that you might not trust individually with everything, but might trust each with one aspect of you.

Or I could just be talking out of my arse too-- I'm on the edge of a food coma atm. It's cold comfort when coming through a screen, but there are people who think well of you, and whom you've already shown that you trust, even a bit.

 

Thanks Dave

Uh oh Food coma :/...and It doesnt sound like your talking through your arse at all BTW lol
Comfort is always warm...

Think its was about 6 years we were together...have been talking to him and he's going to rehab for 6 weeks again. Am delighted he is doing something for himself because he couldnt even trust himself to look after himself. At least for 6 weeks there is the chance he will be somewhere protected from his self-destruction to some degree(am aware it isnt the Holy Grail or anything but..). There is some change brewing, which is always good.
He has volunteered it. Its a relief for me to know that I dont have to carry this anymore too. All I have to deal with is my own crap now!

Your right about 'absolutes'. Have been stuck in my own misery of late but I have alot to be grateful for too, if I just stop worring that accepting gratitude doesnt mean im going to lose control and therefore get kicked in the ass again, when im not looking! ~Fear is the fucking glue that binds this shit, got to stop punishing myself for being myself, even if ive made some unusual choices-i had valid reasons, cant deny that I had my reasons.

Its myself I got to trust. Had met an old friend at the weekend and relised that there are other people living lives that arent perfect either. I need to reconnect with some people socially so that I dont alienate myself. There was alot of stuff I was hiding because I was ashamed I would be judged harshly for making 'bad' decisions. Now I realise, I need to create an oppertunity to escape this competitive social fiasco I have created for myself in my own mind and ground myself.

 

See, you'll be fine. You've got a good head on your shoulders, and know just what you need to do. It's just easy to forget that sometimes when you're isolated. Introspection is great, but spending too much time in your head, rolling over old thoughts, just winds up magnifying the negative.

 

Very true.

 

Well, Dave said it all
Asc- You're a wonderful person- You will get through this, and find happiness again

 

Thanks Ocean.