Hurling new vices at the void - my 'heroin replacement therapy' failures

[Colonel Contin]

I did my last shot of heroin 37 days ago.

I've been using for 7 years and made my first attempt at quitting two years in. After 5 years of failure, relapse, self-loathing and a concession to my own weakness I have finally accepted that I may need maintenance (no matter how much it feels like admitting defeat) in conjunction with a slow, consistent taper. I'm down to 1mg of suboxone per day and it's holding me... I still have no desire to use and dope has regained none of its allure even after a solid month of not using. Still I'm miserable and I know why - I have failed to fill the void left by discarding a drug that had become my whole life - but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it.

One step at a time, right? but I'm afraid that some of these issues can't be resolved in a timely fashion, and I'm afraid I'm on the edge of a complete break-down.

I have nobody to reach out to. Ideally I would have a network of support... friends, family, something. The NA groups most convenient to my area wont let me speak because I'm taking suboxone. My old friends treat me like I have the plague, and my heroin friends talk about me like a ghost (like I died in the line of duty and they're proud, but like I'm dead nonetheless). My roommate, who originally quit with me, is back to using as much as ever now and I can barely bring myself to look into his hazy eyes. Unfortunately he's my best friend and, sadly, my biggest supporter... and I just want to scream at him every time he starts nodding out or scratching his nose in my presence and he doesn't deserve that (he would rather not be a drug addict and certainly doesn't mean to hurt me even though every day that passes where he's high and I'm not feels like a knife in the back).

I'm looking for a counselor that I can unload on, but it's difficult to trust somebody you're paying to listen to your problems enough to muster complete honesty.

I'm trying to exercise, I really am, but I'm so weak from the last two years of abusing my body that it seriously hurts to exert myself. Hyperventilating from something as simple as a brisk walk induces panic and it's scary. I'm determined to keep at it and I know it will get easier (the harder I push, the quicker I'll adjust but that can be easier said than done).

I'm starting to get excited about my research again. I'm attempting to resume work on a thesis outlining the 'post-avant garde'/'pre-apocalyptic'/'trans-...' state of affairs in contemporary western society (and most specifically western art). The reading is exciting and the writing should start to flow if I can become adequately immersed. My brain has been shut down for so long, however, that I'm left feeling mentally diminished and without any confidence. As a matter of fact, I feel like I sacrificed my identity to embrace my addiction and I am at a loss as far as how to beckon any of it back.

I want to be a person again. I used to feel talented and interesting. I used to think I was clever and funny (and I was, goddamnit). I used to feel like I had something to offer other people and now I'm just terrified of everybody (and this is proving incredibly difficult to overcome). My anxiety is still crippling... although I'm having ups and downs again which almost sounds remotely kind-of a little bit human (a little redundancy for that ass). I can't tell if I'm improving... I don't know if I'm being too hard on myself or not self-critical enough. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse here, and I understand if nobody on the forum has anything more to offer (you've all been so helpful already), but it helps to air it out... I guess I just feel alone and without an ear to piss in. I miss conversation... I miss people. Thanks for reading .

 

[Soulgasm]

Damn, I can relate to so much of this. I finally had to move far away from my roommate (and best friend) cause he'd be all motivated with me in kicking then go right back to living in a heroin haze 3 days later. Over and over and over again. I'm in a state of total confusion trying to reclaim the identity that years and years of substance abuse warped and eventually consumed. I have no concrete answers for you but best of luck brother. We'll all find our balance eventually in this universe.

 

[CrowetheCat]

Just wanted to chime in, I wish you luck as well. We're all fighting a hard battle, but we can win. You should check out some meetings in your area. I found one in my town that hosts NA, AA, CA and other meetings. They do free communal dinners, have holiday and Superbowl parties, etc., all encouraging everyone to have fun with sobriety. Maybe it'll help take your mind off of things. It's weird that none of the NA meetings in your area are welcoming you. Have you considered finding Smart Recovery meetings?

 

[Colonel Contin]

Have you considered finding Smart Recovery meetings?

I just googled SMART recovery (I'd never heard of it). Apparently the local campus just started hosting meetings on Feb 4th of this year. It looks like it might be a good alternative to the 12 step structure. Have you attended?

 

[herbavore]

I am currently debating whether or not to take the Smart Recovery training to lead meetings because there is only one a week here in my town. It's big commitment of time for me and I'm not sure but I really like their approach.

 

[Colonel Contin]

Damn, I can relate to so much of this... I'm in a state of total confusion trying to reclaim the identity that years and years of substance abuse warped and eventually consumed.

Yeah, it's one of the most terrifying things... knowing that the person you were, that person you're trying to reclaim, is the same person that couldn't cope and ultimately wound up turning to heroin. It's like there's no option but to discard that person you remember yourself being and start over. I hate to hear that you're facing this. It's tough. On the bright side, I'd rather be this confused, lonely soul with a shattered identity than cling to the miserable, pathetic, doomed identity that I had sunken into while I was on dope.

I am currently debating whether or not to take the Smart Recovery training to lead meetings because there is only one a week here in my town. It's big commitment of time for me and I'm not sure but I really like their approach.

The meetings are only held once weekly here as well. I couldn't gather much from the local program website other than "it is a four point recovery system...". So, no qualms with the 'SMART' approach, or are you yet to make a full assessment? It amazes me that a viable alternative to the 12 steps is just now emerging. 'bout time.