HPPD sufferer did a bunch of ketamine like a dumb ass. (long read)

[Techressive]

That guy was me by the way in case you were wondering. I used to post here ten years ago under some other names, gee how the time flies. Warning everyone now this is kind of long, and not happy at all. So, there's that.

I'll try to keep this relevant to what led up to this and what I'm dealing with right now. When I was 16 I took a pill (sold as e, wasn't tested, no idea what was in it who knows) and developed some really, really intense debilitating HPPD. It pretty much put my entire life on hold. I had to drop out of high school, was constantly being traveled around by my mom to see various drs, etc, etc. Eventually it just got to a point where I got older, accepted it, counted my lucky stars to still be alive and started getting back into the world and living life. I was an idiot back then. I did AMT, rolled a handful of times, so there's really no pinpointing exactly what happened, and no technology to fix what I had to cope with after so I figured "Why even worry?" and just tried to move on.

This moving on process wasn't simple. I started self medicating to try to cope with the visuals, because as strong as a person as you try to be and as much as you build yourself up internally, mentally speaking, there's times when tripping balls for absolutely no reason 24 hours a day isn't fun. Self medication became prevalent, with a wide variety of different drugs, but alcohol was the one that was most easily accessible and as a result of that it was what I became most physically addicted to. The absolute least amount I would drink in a day was 12 beers, and that is if I was like fall over throw up feel like I was gonna die hungover. The number was usually closer to 30. I had stopped eating, and had a bender where for 8 or so days I had half of one meal, everything else was alcohol, pills, and cocaine. I collapsed in my house, came to, was absolutely out of my mind, no idea what was going on could barely talk, but I managed to crawl to a phone and get to an ER.

I don't remember much of anything from here to rehab. I also don't remember the first 3-4 days of rehab itself. I had the whole roll around shake sweat hallucinate cry withdrawal stuff, but if anyone who has ever experienced this regardless of what drug or substance it is from, you can probably understand when I say you don't remember much of the process as a whole. I got out of rehab, and got my life together. I stayed sober, from everything including marijuana, for around 7 months.

This brings me to where I am at now. I've started occasionally using cocaine and ketamine, also marijuana daily, and xanax here and there. Now coming from an addict this may sound like insanity, but I'm a functional person. Since I have started drinking again I allow myself one night a week. I do not drink multiple nights in a week, and I apply the same to the coke and k use. It's usually a weekend bender. To put it into perspective I DJ and have a residency on Friday nights. So that one night of the week, I alloy myself to get a bit cray.

Other than some harsh come downs here and there, I have had everything together. Sincerely, it's been a recreational thing and hasn't been completely crushing my life, causing any addiction issues, and most importantly I haven't noticed the occasional use making my HPPD worse. My HPPD is intense by the way. I can paint on walls with my hands with after images, sober, the sky is neon pink all the time, every surface I look at is colored with neon jelly blobs, stuff moves that shouldn't, etc, etc. Like I said way earlier I've just gotten better at adapting and dealing with it. I thought I was in control of things since the vision had not gotten any worse in years, and for the first time I can remember since getting HPPD I've actually been happy with my life.

Then this last weekend came barging into my life and took a huge steaming shit in my cloud of happy. I've only done K a handful of times, the first time was 4-5 weeks ago and I've been doing it once a weekend since. I went off the deep end this weekend and did a bit too much. I don't know how I did, we were snorting not injecting if that is relevant, but I just remember at one point before I fell out saying something like "I did way too much that was way too big." and then about 10-20 mins later it was all out not even in my body. I barely remember what I saw but I was saying something about lions and safari masters and nonsense. I had to be helped up I could barely move. I wish this was as funny for me as that just sounded. Was completely fucked, and I remember nothing.

I just remember one detail. An awesome girl I just met was there at this after party. She saw me all sloppy and just completely in 0 control of myself whatsoever. I remember holding her in some huge chair and then her leaving and saying goodbye. That's all I really remember.

Long, long story short and yes I just used this website as a journal right now to cry my crazy ass stupid story into, my vision is more fucked than usual guys. I'm not doing well, at all. I am out of it as fuck. How I even managed to type all of this is beyond me. I can't pay attention to anything, every single visual symptom I have is way, way, way more intense than usual........ I'm freaking the fuck out. I don't know what to do. I am a mess. I can't see or be around anyone right now I am in 100 percent pure unadulterated "HOLY FUCK I JUST PUT MY BRAIN IN A GARBAGE DISPOSAL BLOODY TITS" mode. This is absolute hell.

I'm scared, I can't talk to any family about this nor most any of my friends who knows me. And I guess I'm just needing to hear a "hey, you're gonna be ok." Because I really, really hope I'm going to be ok. Right now I just don't see it. My vision and brain are totally shot, and I can't remember ever feeling like this after doing drugs like that.

EDIT: I'm prescribed Zoloft and had been trying to ween myself off of that. I had been feeling pretty nuts towards the end of the week as a result of that, maybe that's adding to the entire thing. I don't know.

 

[Ego Death]

I got HPPD over a decade ago from a 2ct7 trip. Persistent visuals like neon green on the walls and trails from moving my hand in front of my face. I can say right now that it is 95% gone today. If you ever want your HPPD to get better you are going to have to cut back on your drug use, your only making it worse and harder to get rid of by abusing drugs. I'm not saying become straight edge, but your pattern of use is going to make your HPPD worse. I still take the odd trip and smoke weed and the HPPD doesn't come back like it did when I was using hallucinogens more. IME HPPD is absolutely reversible, but it isn't some magic or wishing that is going to make it happen, your going to have to cut way back or abstain for a while.

 

[Techressive]

I got HPPD over a decade ago from a 2ct7 trip. Persistent visuals like neon green on the walls and trails from moving my hand in front of my face. I can say right now that it is 95% gone today. If you ever want your HPPD to get better you are going to have to cut back on your drug use, your only making it worse and harder to get rid of by abusing drugs. I'm not saying become straight edge, but your pattern of use is going to make your HPPD worse. I still take the odd trip and smoke weed and the HPPD doesn't come back like it did when I was using hallucinogens more. IME HPPD is absolutely reversible, but it isn't some magic or wishing that is going to make it happen, your going to have to cut way back or abstain for a while.

Thank you for the reply, sincerely. You're right. Repeating the same things and expecting different results, that's practically the definition of insanity. I've got to accept the fact my brain can't hang with this shit and relax for a while. I'm being delusional and stupid about it. It's tough when pretty much every single friend you have does it though you know, and by no stretch am I blaming that. I'm a grown ass man I decide where I go and don't, but breaking this cycle is just so hard right now.

 

[Ego Death]

Trust me I know, i've been in ruts where I was using hallucinogens more than I should, I can't blame you they ARE awesome. I was scared shitless that morning I woke up after my trip only to notice the walls were bright neon colors and swirling around and my hands would make countless trails when they went in front of my face. I though I had fucked my life and that I was going to be like this for the rest of my life. I was distraught and constantly stressed out. But, I decided to take some power back and start taking better care of myself, eating square meals, exercising, cutting back on my drug use. I just started doing that and things started getting better and as the years rolled by the HPPD would lessen more and more til the point today it is barely there anymore.

 

[Cyc]

Anxiety makes HPPD worse. It becomes a snowball effect. Does Xanax reduce how much you notice your symptoms?

 

[Condumbpope]

Wow that sounds like pretty decent HPPD you have dude. I only see fuzziness/static in the sky, solid color textures, and neon/tracers ect in the dark.

You should really think about abstaining from psychadelics for a long time (Even cannabis)... 90% of mine cleared up this way. I still get a little if I smoke until my eyes bleed, but it isn't something I worry about.. The CEV's never went away but I enjoy them.

The antidepressant you are tapering down from now is probably making it all seem that much more intense, depressing, anxious and fearful. You will feel better.

 

[Techressive]

Yeah it is a combination of things I'm sure. To be truthful I've had this for 10 years, and it sort of gradually got worse and worse for about 8, then just kind of leveled off, if that makes sense. So although occasionally it would break me, it was nothing a xanax or two wouldn't be able to get me through. It's not like, see people that aren't there try to talk to make believe polar bear crazy, it's almost the opposite of being blind. I just see way too much. The static and color patterns/blobs of color are probably he most brutal things right now. My head feels crazy floaty also like when I was on the stuff.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I did smoke some marijuana just because I use it daily and it usually relieves a considerable amount of stress. It also makes video games really awesome. I don't know that it has made things any better but I do still feel really scared and horrible, so I am going to just put that down and refrain from it. I think to a degree it always causes a mild amount of paranoia so probably not what I need in the hypochondriac state I am currently in.

I accept the fact I am a complete and total fuck ass for what I did. I thought I had outsmarted drugs because I was doing ok for so long with occasional use, but that little line. It was just too hard for me to ride. I hope this goes away, again I did do a very large amount early saturday morning so who knows maybe I am still feeling some residual hangover. Or I'm about to lose my mind and then die. Either way.

Thank you for the replies

 

[Techressive]

This is by far the worst roller coaster I have ever ridden in my entire life, by the way.

 

[Techressive]

Normality is seeping back in, in brief intervals. Still feel super wonky, but counting my lucky stars I feel even a bit better than when I first posted this.

K is a hell of a drug.

 

[footscrazy]

I accept the fact I am a complete and total fuck ass for what I did. I thought I had outsmarted drugs because I was doing ok for so long with occasional use, but that little line. It was just too hard for me to ride. I hope this goes away, again I did do a very large amount early saturday morning so who knows maybe I am still feeling some residual hangover. Or I'm about to lose my mind and then die. Either way.

I don't think you're a complete and total fuck ass for what you did. If you had known this was going to be the result you wouldn't have done it. It took you by surprise and that doesn't make you stupid, it just means you had bad luck. I don't think this was guaranteed to happen, or that 'if you were smart' you wouldn't be doing any drugs. In the future you might decide that the risks of doing drugs outweigh their benefits, but that doesn't mean that you deserved what happened, or that wanting to get enjoyment out of drugs is stupid or unreasonable.

I don't know much about hppd but my uneducated guess would be that a lot of your negative experience here is caused by anxiety. Your description of what happened on your dose of k sounds typical of a ketamine experience. As you probably know, k is a dissociative which at high doses, renders you unable to move. It's used at even higher doses as an anaesthetic, where the patient's mind is so completely dissociated from their body that they can't move, and they don't remember anything whilst on it. Your symptoms sound like they fit with k's typical effects.

What you describe afterwards, feeling out of it, not being able to focus, sounds like anxiety. I think you've been through a traumatic experience, and you're still recovering from that. I think you are most certainly going to be ok. Anxiety by its very nature makes you focus on it, and think that it will never end, and that it's the most important thing happening, so it's very hard to look at it objectively and realise that it will be fleeting, and you will be ok. Do you know any relaxation techniques? Simply focusing on breathing in for the count of 3, then breathing out for the count of three, can work to both take your attention away from your fears, and work to physiologically reduce your anxiety by slowing your heart rate.

Just remember that things always change, you wont always feel like this. You will be happy and calm in the future, this is just a passing phase

 

[Techressive]

I don't think you're a complete and total fuck ass for what you did. If you had known this was going to be the result you wouldn't have done it. It took you by surprise and that doesn't make you stupid, it just means you had bad luck. I don't think this was guaranteed to happen, or that 'if you were smart' you wouldn't be doing any drugs. In the future you might decide that the risks of doing drugs outweigh their benefits, but that doesn't mean that you deserved what happened, or that wanting to get enjoyment out of drugs is stupid or unreasonable.

I don't know much about hppd but my uneducated guess would be that a lot of your negative experience here is caused by anxiety. Your description of what happened on your dose of k sounds typical of a ketamine experience. As you probably know, k is a dissociative which at high doses, renders you unable to move. It's used at even higher doses as an anaesthetic, where the patient's mind is so completely dissociated from their body that they can't move, and they don't remember anything whilst on it. Your symptoms sound like they fit with k's typical effects.

What you describe afterwards, feeling out of it, not being able to focus, sounds like anxiety. I think you've been through a traumatic experience, and you're still recovering from that. I think you are most certainly going to be ok. Anxiety by its very nature makes you focus on it, and think that it will never end, and that it's the most important thing happening, so it's very hard to look at it objectively and realise that it will be fleeting, and you will be ok. Do you know any relaxation techniques? Simply focusing on breathing in for the count of 3, then breathing out for the count of three, can work to both take your attention away from your fears, and work to physiologically reduce your anxiety by slowing your heart rate.

Just remember that things always change, you wont always feel like this. You will be happy and calm in the future, this is just a passing phase

Thank you, thank you, thank you

 

[Saber44]

As a fellow sufferer of HPPD (albeit, modest compared to yours) the biggest thing that makes HPPD worse is, as people have already mentioned, noticing it. As soon as I start noticing how fucked up my vision really is the negative thinking starts. For me, the biggest part of the negative thinking is walking around in public, vision going fucking nuts, and thinking that you have some huge secret to hide and don't fit in to society.

My vision is also not stellar to start with. I have one nearsighted eye and one farsighted eye. I also have an astigmatism in each eye. I never wear my glasses and don't have contacts. I feel like the blurriness of my vision makes my HPPD seem worse than it is, which in turn makes it worse. I was clean for 60 days last summer and noticed no reduction in symptoms. I havent done psyches but once or twice since I developed the HPPD over a year ago (but that's another, long, ridiculous story)
But god damn, stimulants sure do exacerbate things. I remember an event following a 3-day meth binge. I was at work when my static got noticeably worse, in turn, I panicked and freaked the fuck out. In turn, the static got so bad that the only point of my vision that was not completely opaque by static was my focal point.

I guess I rambled a bit, but in short, I sympathize. Truley the happiest I have been post-HPPD was the brief periods of time when I was sober and exercising. Eventually, if you are happy enough, you just forget about it. If only I could accept the reality of that, I would be able to quit for good. Alas, I have no self-control

 

[Techressive]

As a fellow sufferer of HPPD (albeit, modest compared to yours) the biggest thing that makes HPPD worse is, as people have already mentioned, noticing it. As soon as I start noticing how fucked up my vision really is the negative thinking starts. For me, the biggest part of the negative thinking is walking around in public, vision going fucking nuts, and thinking that you have some huge secret to hide and don't fit in to society.

My vision is also not stellar to start with. I have one nearsighted eye and one farsighted eye. I also have an astigmatism in each eye. I never wear my glasses and don't have contacts. I feel like the blurriness of my vision makes my HPPD seem worse than it is, which in turn makes it worse. I was clean for 60 days last summer and noticed no reduction in symptoms. I havent done psyches but once or twice since I developed the HPPD over a year ago (but that's another, long, ridiculous story)
But god damn, stimulants sure do exacerbate things. I remember an event following a 3-day meth binge. I was at work when my static got noticeably worse, in turn, I panicked and freaked the fuck out. In turn, the static got so bad that the only point of my vision that was not completely opaque by static was my focal point.

I guess I rambled a bit, but in short, I sympathize. Truley the happiest I have been post-HPPD was the brief periods of time when I was sober and exercising. Eventually, if you are happy enough, you just forget about it. If only I could accept the reality of that, I would be able to quit for good. Alas, I have no self-control

I'm truly sorry you have to go through this, whatever level it's on. It's not a contest I assure you I wish I didn't have it at all. I feel horrible every time I hear of someone suffering from anything related to this. It's indescribable.

What you said is true those are fears of mine also. Sometimes I am just able to let go but the vision is just so, so intense. I feel much better than I did when I posted this, and my thought patterns have started to go back to normal. I feel much, much better , but still feel really rough. Needless to say I'm not touching that stuff, anytime soon. It's not a matter of wanting to or not, I love it, I just can't. Have to accept the fact is the occasional joint and beer from here on out I guess. I'm 26 and lived with it since I was 16. I slip sometimes and pretend I have a normal person brain that can deal with the drug use like I used to be able to. Then life slaps my face

 

[Saber44]

Yeah I know. It really sucks too. I'm still not over the unfairness of the whole situation. I've got friends that have tripped hundreds of times, and I just get unlucky after one bad trip. I feel for you as well. I was a complete mess for a while. I think the worst part was trying to go to sleep, but not being able to because the CEV fractals don't go away. Both of us know what we have to do if we want the symptoms to improve, but it sucks. It sucks big-time. Why shouldn't we be able to enjoy the things we like?