How to start sobering up?

[Stotched]

Hey all. I've been a poly drug addict for about 14 years now. (I'm 29 years old) I've been using drugs recreationally since 13, and have been addicted to opiates since I was 15. I was prescribed Focalin for ADHD when I was 8 years old, and have also been on pretty much any psychotropic medication, from xanax, trazodone, grams of seroquel at a time, etc. I am diagnosed Bipolar.

For the last 13 years, I've been a daily opiate user. I find opiates take away any anxiety or rage I may have, and make me completely content. I was working as a stocker at a regional chain grocery store for a while. Somehow, with what I believe to be the help of the opiates, I moved from a night shift stocker, to a department leader, and am now the head manager of my store. I will soon be completing my certification to become district manager.

Money is never an issue for me in my use. I have the funds to afford 3-4 bundles a day if I felt like it. (I only use more like 4 bags a day). I rarely do enough dope to get high, just enough to take the edge off, and make me not want to kill myself. Usually once a week, I'll bang 6 bags at once, and get high. I have gone through withdrawals hundreds of times, and somehow still managed to show up at work and not seem too off. I never thought physical withdrawals were as bad as people said. Now I tend to buy my dope at least 50 bundles at a time, so I do not run out.

When people see me, they think I am successful. You guys reading this, may think I am successful to. But I am ready to move on and live a life without drugs. Physical withdrawal is not the issue for me. I can do it. It honestly doesn't phase me. The problem is, when I stop using, my mental illness starts to show after about day 3, and thats where the real shitshow starts. I have crazy anxiety to where I dont want to leave the house, and my rage is just uncontrollable. I once took a baseball bat to my car and sound system, that was because of something so trivial, I can't even remember why I did it.

As a child, I always have rage issues. When I was 4 years old, I pushed our families TV off the stand, because my mom wouldnt do something for me I wanted. In high school, I was expelled at 15 for kicking a kids teeth out, and literally "curb stomping" him. Drugs have helped me to control my rage issues, but I just feel so foggy headed, and I really want to learn to live life sober. I feel like even though I may be mentally ill, that I shouldn't need drugs to get through life. I can learn how to do this.

How would you recommend sobering up. My daily cocktail of drugs is as follows

3-4 bags of heroin
6 pack of beer
3.5 grams of weed after work
60 Amphetamine before work
2mg etizolam at night to sleep

I really just am afraid of being sober. I was prescribed Focalin at age 8, and I don't even know who I am sober. I can't remember life without having a psychoactive substance in me. I'm honestly scared of sobriety. I've tried it before, and it made me feel like a terrible person from the way I was acting. Does anyone here have any tips on how I can go from my daily cocktail, to sober living, without the emotional toll destroying me?

 

[Herraisland]

We are not meant to be taking drugs. obviously but stotched it will get better. promise you. dont let your negative thoughts cloud your mind. live is good sober. i myself as addict knows that even i am still fighting to be sober. I know people who have been so hooked on drugs and finally won the battle and they say they never could go back to the drugs. Just think about it. is this really how you want to be for the rest of your life? Time heals everything. hang in there and fight for your life. As for being with big temper, go see a psychologist or go to church meetings. i myself have many time been convicted for violence. I have a HUGE temper and have said things i dont like and done things i regret. Someimes i go to this evangelist meetings and have found that it gives me peace. give it a try

 

[njirem]

Well, first off all...great decision. Your abuse of substances clearly should stop, its destroying your body and sure did not do anything good for your mental issues.
I also suffer from mental illness (ADD, GAD, panic disorder, depression) along with addiction to alcohol, weed and amphetamines.
I am now 22 days clean of any substance (exept nicotine) and it is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sure i was affraid of boredom, empty time, anxiety etc, but trust me, while using its even worse.
I strongly recommend seeking help from a docter and/or check in for like 6 to 12 weeks to detox safely..
Do not try to quit all all the same time or detox cold turkey, and especially not on your own,it would be life threatening.
Good luck!

 

[xburtonchic]

My advice to you would be to take it slow. I mean, that's quite the lil cocktail you have going on there, and attempting to do it on your own cold turkey could be dangerous. Even though you're not on a particularly high dose of either, it's the xanax/alcohol combo that worries me most.

So, either take it one at a time, or get yourself professional help. Because of your mental health issues, I think the latter option is going to be your best bet. You'll never stay sober if you don't address those issues at their core, and it sounds like you're going to need help - along with a strong support system - if you're really going to do this. Just know that it can be done Best of luck to you

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

My advice to you would be to take it slow. I mean, that's quite the lil cocktail you have going on there, and attempting to do it on your own cold turkey could be dangerous. Even though you're not on a particularly high dose of either, it's the xanax/alcohol combo that worries me most.

So, either take it one at a time, or get yourself professional help. Because of your mental health issues, I think the latter option is going to be your best bet. You'll never stay sober if you don't address those issues at their core, and it sounds like you're going to need help - along with a strong support system - if you're really going to do this. Just know that it can be done Best of luck to you

Excellent post. Definitely get some medical help to get sober since you're taking benzos, with opiates, and alcohol.

It sounds corny but talking to a therapist will help you figure out the reasons why you use drugs, what triggers your anger, what to do when you get angry, etc. Good luck.

 

[herbavore]

I really just am afraid of being sober. I was prescribed Focalin at age 8, and I don't even know who I am sober. I can't remember life without having a psychoactive substance in me. I'm honestly scared of sobriety. I've tried it before, and it made me feel like a terrible person from the way I was acting. Does anyone here have any tips on how I can go from my daily cocktail, to sober living, without the emotional toll destroying me?

Congratulations on finding the strength to want to save yourself. You are going to have to get some help.Being on drugs to manage your big emotions from the age of thirteen means that you have missed out on some pretty fundamental stages of emotional maturing and it may be initially terrifying to you to be sober. For that you need support and understanding. I work with kids and I see a lot of little boys that don't get the help they need with rage when they are young. Rage scares everyone and usually punishment follows. But punishment does not help a kid understand where the emotion comes from nor how to manage it. It just adds fuel to an already hot fire. No doubt you got a lot of negative messages from the outside world from having and acting on that kind of anger and you would have to be super-human not to have internalized all that negativity about yourself. Find someone (a counselor) that you can trust to help you understand how to deal with the emotions that really are just part of life--nothing to run from or be afraid of. Someone skilled in both CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and mindfulness would be far more useful to you than simply someone you talk to once a week.

You have to have faith that you can heal and that you can live an unmedicated life. That faith was taken from you when you were 8. You can create a trusting and accepting relationship with yourself but it will take time, patience and above all, faith. Good luck and much respect for your drive. Many people that had your circumstances in early life would have just given up forever.