Where have I bean? If you hadn't noticed, I've been a bit absent from Bluelight the last couple of weeks, but I should be finding more time to be around soon.
To start with, a few weeks ago I came off codeine. Up to then, and for a good year beforehand, I'd been taking it daily, usually in the evenings, with the effects lasting well into and through the next day. During December and January, while my dad was dying, I lived in a thick haze of opiated numbness. Numb to the feelings I was going through and unable to deal with the crisis and grief my family were experiencing.
When I heard my dad went to hospital on the evening of the 3rd of February, I told mum I would tell my uncles and aunties in Melbourne... right after I ate a handful of Panadeine Forte. I couldn't have survived the month of February without being completely stoned the whole time, or so I tell myself.
Seven months later, it's been like finding myself again, underneath the fog and haze. I've only now also realised that the codeine was a catalyst for a lot of the depression I'd experienced in the last year.
Waking up, the first thing I noticed was that there was something very wrong at work. My career had virtually died, and there I was: slaving away for a company on the verge of insolvency. It's taken me a few weeks to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, but what has been lied about and glossed over is now becoming glaringly obvious.
Today I found out my superannuation (equivalent to what Americans call a 401k) has not been paid for more than 1.5 years. My direct manager; an arrogant dick who everyone hates and has a penchant for compulsively lying, lacks any faith in me and my abilities. We barely talk and behind closed doors, I doubt he makes much effort to disguise his loathing for me as a person.
This is the man who, during January, when he knew what I was going through, would pull me aside for weekly meetings to try and determine why I was struggling to get into work by 9.30 every morning. He's the sort of person who'd probably not bat an eyelid at turning his back on his own parents if they were dying of lung cancer, blaming it on their "weakness" and stupidity.
Most of all though, the greatest revelation has been that I'm still here. Well most of me, and intact. After getting off codeine, one of the first things I did was put my resume together, so far I've already had two interviews and I'm expecting offers from both of them.
I've been applying for the sort of jobs I should be going for, asking for salaries I know I deserve, to do work I know I can handle; if I back myself and my abilities.
So yeah, it's fair to say things are a lot better. There's a lot of issues I haven't dealt with from the last couple of years... some I don't know how I'll ever be able to deal with, but for now, they're not things I can be bothered worrying about. I know how stupid this sounds, but I find that if I focus on the pursuit of money (!), not just with my current job but in other employment, I tend to notice that I'm too busy to worry about other unpleasant thoughts.
I'm not really sure how much of that last sentence was actually tongue-in-cheek.
Goal for this weekend:
To finish reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, a book based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which I think is this season's CBT.
Thanks to madmick19 for recommending it... I got over the fact that I was reading a psychology/self-help book by convincing myself that I would learn telepathy and save on long-distance phone calls.
To start with, a few weeks ago I came off codeine. Up to then, and for a good year beforehand, I'd been taking it daily, usually in the evenings, with the effects lasting well into and through the next day. During December and January, while my dad was dying, I lived in a thick haze of opiated numbness. Numb to the feelings I was going through and unable to deal with the crisis and grief my family were experiencing.
When I heard my dad went to hospital on the evening of the 3rd of February, I told mum I would tell my uncles and aunties in Melbourne... right after I ate a handful of Panadeine Forte. I couldn't have survived the month of February without being completely stoned the whole time, or so I tell myself.
Seven months later, it's been like finding myself again, underneath the fog and haze. I've only now also realised that the codeine was a catalyst for a lot of the depression I'd experienced in the last year.
Waking up, the first thing I noticed was that there was something very wrong at work. My career had virtually died, and there I was: slaving away for a company on the verge of insolvency. It's taken me a few weeks to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, but what has been lied about and glossed over is now becoming glaringly obvious.
Today I found out my superannuation (equivalent to what Americans call a 401k) has not been paid for more than 1.5 years. My direct manager; an arrogant dick who everyone hates and has a penchant for compulsively lying, lacks any faith in me and my abilities. We barely talk and behind closed doors, I doubt he makes much effort to disguise his loathing for me as a person.
This is the man who, during January, when he knew what I was going through, would pull me aside for weekly meetings to try and determine why I was struggling to get into work by 9.30 every morning. He's the sort of person who'd probably not bat an eyelid at turning his back on his own parents if they were dying of lung cancer, blaming it on their "weakness" and stupidity.
Most of all though, the greatest revelation has been that I'm still here. Well most of me, and intact. After getting off codeine, one of the first things I did was put my resume together, so far I've already had two interviews and I'm expecting offers from both of them.
I've been applying for the sort of jobs I should be going for, asking for salaries I know I deserve, to do work I know I can handle; if I back myself and my abilities.
So yeah, it's fair to say things are a lot better. There's a lot of issues I haven't dealt with from the last couple of years... some I don't know how I'll ever be able to deal with, but for now, they're not things I can be bothered worrying about. I know how stupid this sounds, but I find that if I focus on the pursuit of money (!), not just with my current job but in other employment, I tend to notice that I'm too busy to worry about other unpleasant thoughts.
I'm not really sure how much of that last sentence was actually tongue-in-cheek.
Goal for this weekend:
To finish reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, a book based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which I think is this season's CBT.
Thanks to madmick19 for recommending it... I got over the fact that I was reading a psychology/self-help book by convincing myself that I would learn telepathy and save on long-distance phone calls.