melonjuju77
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 22, 2018
- Messages
- 1
Quick background: Due to an untreated autoimmune disease (finally at age 18 told I was diagnosed since age 4... lovely) I had 6 major surgeries from ages 11 - 16. This was my first introduction to opiate pain medication. I didnt abuse them as a child, but there was a dependency; may have 2 do w my inclination towards opiates now. As I got older I drank socially, experiment w cocaine (4-5x/year). At 25 I got married - things went downhill fast. Exhusband was clinically diagnosed as a narcissist. Had no empathy or time for me - I was a burden. Extremely controlling (took all my paychecks, refused to purchase necessities - we made above 6figures, he was just cheap). During this time I became very depressed, unmotivated at work & began drinking nearly everyday in secrecy. My ex & I had a very active social life, and he enjoyed drinking heavily, mixd w coke or snorting adderall. After 1 incident where he was wasted, he demanded his car keys, yanked for my purse, sent me flying and I broke my arm. Things were never the same and I left him, moved to my own place.
However as I did not address my own alcohol/depression, 2 months later I ended up quitting my job & moving in with a longtime friend, "Brandon", whom i had begun seeing. This was supposed to be temporary.. but i was in luuurrvvv *eyeroll*
Unbeknownst to me, Brandon had recently moved back to our hometown as he had gotten into a bad circle in former city, and had become addicted to smoking H. He had been clean for 2 months prior to seeing me, and 5 months into us living together. He was participating in an IOP program w biweekly urine tests, so I know he was clean then - and those months I had never been happier. I was sober from alcohol during this. Even now I maybe have half a glass of wine at holiday every 4-5months
We can all see where this is going... fastforward and the "errands" he would run would take 4-5 hours, long bathroom breaks, etc. I confronted him & he came clean, crying, "please dont leave I will do right by you I swear"
.. Not sure if I was just afraid of another failure, felt pity or both, but I stayed. He got sober for a month and then same old thing. One night after a wedding, where I had too much to drink,he was in the bathroom using & i lost it. I felt like I was losing him and had no idea about this part of his life. I begged for him to let me try it... he finally caved. For the next few months I would smoke with him occasionally, but he was very careful to not let me use more than 1x a week. Eventually that stopped, and he felt so horrible what had happened to us, wasting our lives and future, we both got subs and prepared to detox. It was hell. 3 days later he says "if we just get a little H it resets, we will feel better and not detox from subs". hes the expert so I believed him.... that was dumb. We immediately fell back in to the habit and have been on this 4 weeks using-1 week detox-slip up that starts us back all over again Groundhog day for a year now. Weve done things Im ashamed to type to get our fix. He is currently awaiting a court date for shoplifting electronics to trade for H/subs.
It was just Brandons bday and we made a pact no more. We stocked up on subs, blocked all contacts, and he changed his phone number. (He is the 1 who speaks to the dealer)
No one on my side (family/friends) knows about this. His parents do as his is a trust fund baby who attempts lame excuses to get funds out of it to buy drugs.. and they know his past with 3 verrryyy expensive rehab stints under his belt.
I love him, but I love me more. It would be wonderful if he would decide his life is worth living - but I have lost my confidence in this happening, and feel im drowning with him in the process. I cant save him when I dont know how to save myself. 2 years ago I was a homeowner, married (albeit to an asshole.. sensing a pattern), had an amazing career, social life, car... now i can barely put on a hoodie and sweats, care for my dog. I miss my family and friends, whom a lot I have lost bc I am unreliable at showing up, Brandon has borrowedmoney from them which I cant pay back (no job)...
Im out of excuses to my parents as to why I cant find a job. Im very qualified & have an amazing resume. Im just not trying whatsoever as how it stands currently, I cant gauruntee I would make any scheduled interview. My family has said, gently, that if nothing changes maybe I should move back home for a few weeks to get back on my feet? They dont know I have been struggling with drug abuse, I guess maybe they have suspicions but it hasnt come up...
I love Brandon & dont want to abandon him. As of right now we have both quit H and are on day 2 of a 5 day sub taper (got 6 8mg subs total) - 1 week from now I have an appt to get my own script. Brandon is currently holed up in bed, and will be for a day or 2. Detoxes are much harder on him as his physical dependency has been nearly 8 years vs mine of 1year~.
I told Brandon multiple times over the last 2 months i am unhappy, this is no way to live, I cant get my shit together and get a job to support myself if we dont stop the cycle. I say that it is probably best I go stay at my parents house (10min away) where I will be fed, taken care of, can get used to a normal daily routine, find work. My parents are very supportive of this & have hinted at buying me a car. He hears me when i give him this "ultimatum"?? threat?? but doesnt say much, and thats the end of the convo. I am at my breaking point. I fear if I dont leave Ill wake up in 5 years in an empty house, poor health, all alone. I have been quietly boxing up my things in the attic and basement, as well as getting my clothes, personals together to move out easily; eradicate any last minute excuse when I pull the trigger.
Ive left out a lot of dirty (shameful) details, but hope this is enough to explain my current state. He is in day 1 of detox, but has subs - Do I give him a few days to level out before leaving? I.e. slowly move things over while keeping an eye on him until he can get out of bed.... Do I leave with my shit & be done with the whole situation? He says he is 100% committed to this and has himself scheduled to enter IOP & an ongoing doctor regulated suboxone program for 6 months to really give himself a fighting chance this time..... or do i go to my parents house & continuing dating him, while living there?
I am sorry this is so long I could just use any insight/opinions whatsoever.
For the record, in the past I have had no issues quitting and abstaining from H. I know if he was out of the picture I would never use again. I just wish he would never use again, either...
However as I did not address my own alcohol/depression, 2 months later I ended up quitting my job & moving in with a longtime friend, "Brandon", whom i had begun seeing. This was supposed to be temporary.. but i was in luuurrvvv *eyeroll*
Unbeknownst to me, Brandon had recently moved back to our hometown as he had gotten into a bad circle in former city, and had become addicted to smoking H. He had been clean for 2 months prior to seeing me, and 5 months into us living together. He was participating in an IOP program w biweekly urine tests, so I know he was clean then - and those months I had never been happier. I was sober from alcohol during this. Even now I maybe have half a glass of wine at holiday every 4-5months
We can all see where this is going... fastforward and the "errands" he would run would take 4-5 hours, long bathroom breaks, etc. I confronted him & he came clean, crying, "please dont leave I will do right by you I swear"
.. Not sure if I was just afraid of another failure, felt pity or both, but I stayed. He got sober for a month and then same old thing. One night after a wedding, where I had too much to drink,he was in the bathroom using & i lost it. I felt like I was losing him and had no idea about this part of his life. I begged for him to let me try it... he finally caved. For the next few months I would smoke with him occasionally, but he was very careful to not let me use more than 1x a week. Eventually that stopped, and he felt so horrible what had happened to us, wasting our lives and future, we both got subs and prepared to detox. It was hell. 3 days later he says "if we just get a little H it resets, we will feel better and not detox from subs". hes the expert so I believed him.... that was dumb. We immediately fell back in to the habit and have been on this 4 weeks using-1 week detox-slip up that starts us back all over again Groundhog day for a year now. Weve done things Im ashamed to type to get our fix. He is currently awaiting a court date for shoplifting electronics to trade for H/subs.
It was just Brandons bday and we made a pact no more. We stocked up on subs, blocked all contacts, and he changed his phone number. (He is the 1 who speaks to the dealer)
No one on my side (family/friends) knows about this. His parents do as his is a trust fund baby who attempts lame excuses to get funds out of it to buy drugs.. and they know his past with 3 verrryyy expensive rehab stints under his belt.
I love him, but I love me more. It would be wonderful if he would decide his life is worth living - but I have lost my confidence in this happening, and feel im drowning with him in the process. I cant save him when I dont know how to save myself. 2 years ago I was a homeowner, married (albeit to an asshole.. sensing a pattern), had an amazing career, social life, car... now i can barely put on a hoodie and sweats, care for my dog. I miss my family and friends, whom a lot I have lost bc I am unreliable at showing up, Brandon has borrowedmoney from them which I cant pay back (no job)...
Im out of excuses to my parents as to why I cant find a job. Im very qualified & have an amazing resume. Im just not trying whatsoever as how it stands currently, I cant gauruntee I would make any scheduled interview. My family has said, gently, that if nothing changes maybe I should move back home for a few weeks to get back on my feet? They dont know I have been struggling with drug abuse, I guess maybe they have suspicions but it hasnt come up...
I love Brandon & dont want to abandon him. As of right now we have both quit H and are on day 2 of a 5 day sub taper (got 6 8mg subs total) - 1 week from now I have an appt to get my own script. Brandon is currently holed up in bed, and will be for a day or 2. Detoxes are much harder on him as his physical dependency has been nearly 8 years vs mine of 1year~.
I told Brandon multiple times over the last 2 months i am unhappy, this is no way to live, I cant get my shit together and get a job to support myself if we dont stop the cycle. I say that it is probably best I go stay at my parents house (10min away) where I will be fed, taken care of, can get used to a normal daily routine, find work. My parents are very supportive of this & have hinted at buying me a car. He hears me when i give him this "ultimatum"?? threat?? but doesnt say much, and thats the end of the convo. I am at my breaking point. I fear if I dont leave Ill wake up in 5 years in an empty house, poor health, all alone. I have been quietly boxing up my things in the attic and basement, as well as getting my clothes, personals together to move out easily; eradicate any last minute excuse when I pull the trigger.
Ive left out a lot of dirty (shameful) details, but hope this is enough to explain my current state. He is in day 1 of detox, but has subs - Do I give him a few days to level out before leaving? I.e. slowly move things over while keeping an eye on him until he can get out of bed.... Do I leave with my shit & be done with the whole situation? He says he is 100% committed to this and has himself scheduled to enter IOP & an ongoing doctor regulated suboxone program for 6 months to really give himself a fighting chance this time..... or do i go to my parents house & continuing dating him, while living there?
I am sorry this is so long I could just use any insight/opinions whatsoever.
For the record, in the past I have had no issues quitting and abstaining from H. I know if he was out of the picture I would never use again. I just wish he would never use again, either...
