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How to move on from a toxic relationship, and stay there for good

claire22

claire22

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good question.
2 weeks ago I got out of the worst relationship I have ever been in by a country mile.
7 months, on off, exclusive, not exclusive, official, nothing, break ups spanning a month then back together for 3 weeks, break up again back together, ridiculous arguing and drama you can only imagine, kind of absolute garbage I wish I had never wasted my time on.

I'd never been in a relationship THAT intense before. In fact all of mine had been fairly relaxed and easy. But this dude is something else, a self absorbed narcissist like you've never seen. He treated me terribly 90% of the time - playing awful mind games, getting enraged, throwing me a bone and taking it away.
I know it should be easy to move on from a guy like that, but he has some HOLD over me that is embarrassing to even admit.

WHY can I not get over this guy? We have been in contact (forcibly - he destroyed my laptop and then delayed bringing the rest of my things around, still got no laptop hasn't even returned it yet as he is ****ing useless, picking them up tomorrow morning to get this over with)

We had break-ups before and I'd always go back. This time I am not, too much pride, but I have never had to deal with this before.
I completely fell in love with this guy and I don't know why.
I know time heals all wounds but in the meantime, what helps?! :(
 
by going back to him you are punishing yourself

you need to start seeing it that way and then you can move on

he sounds nasty and unappealing, maybe you have been worn down by him and low self esteem can make abusive behaviour seem like thats what we should accept.

you deserve better

its up to you to enforce your choice and show yourself some respect
 
I'm kind of curious, what is it about this guy that you DO like? What makes you go back each time?

Identify this trait and take a hard look to see if it's really worth it.

Like you, my relationships have mostly been drama-free. I wouldn't know what it's like to be involved in something like that. Usually the first fight is the last.
 
Get out and meet new people. Rebounding can be fun at least for a while...
Don't text him back. Or answer his calls or calls from numbers you don't know. Don't let him guilt you into coming back. There comes a time when you know it's over, and when it is it's easier to let go. Sometimes finding something different than normal is helpful. Good luck..
 
How long has it been since the final blow out? I don't see the point of going over there and getting your laptop. If he destroyed it it's useless. Is your other stuff really meaningful or valuable? Or is this your real reason to see him again? Be careful going to see him and make sure this is it. You need to make a clean break.
 
step one is recognizing, and also accepting that you were perhaps in an emotionally abusive relationship. if you struggle to establish this yourself (or cannot choose between a solid yes or no answer); check out this test to help you (the more times you can associate with the questions and answer yes to them, the more likely it is that you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship):

Do you...

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you're the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner...

humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you're embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?
Click to expand...

to overcome this situation, you have to (and it wont be easy); break the habits that allow your ex partner to treat you this way. stop answering his calls, texts etc., do not respond to his attempts no matter how extravagant they are to get you to respond to him. to keep your mind occupied and from temptation of doing this, you have to invest into hobbies; reading, writing, anything creative. research a topic of interest, network with your friends and family, hell even network online for a constant distraction until you have desensitized yourself and broken the routine of returning to him. write an honest list of pros and cons of being with your ex, and be as candid as you can with yourself. even if something seems small and asinine, jot it down, and when you are satisfied that you have exhausted every aspect of your relationship; sit back and review it quietly to yourself. this is positive affirmation, and sometimes stepping outside of the square and looking in from an outsiders perspective can be helpful to see where the problems really are, how you truly feel about them, and how it effects you. you may choose to return, or you may decide after reviewal that you wont allow yourself to be treated badly by your partner, regardless of how much you care about them; but only you can establish this.

good luck OP, i wish you the best in getting past this <3

...kytnism...:|
 
genuinely hate them and want to get away, or meet someone else and fall in love with them.
i should do an advice column.
"how to live as a crazy bitch"
honestly tho, i did just move on from someone i was insanely attached to emotionally and it is so goddamn liberating and it felt like breathing without him for the first time, instead of just wishing to fuck he would give more of a fuck. i mean he did in his own way, but he just sits at home with his family, no job, riding his old film rep and youtube videos of his films and blah blah i was an actor and filmmaker and it's like, yeah, okay, what do you do now? oh, nothing. oh, you like it that way. i see. i see.
of course if my current guy leaves me for some reason i'll flip my shit and go on some weird rebound trainwreck, but you know what they say about evolution. one foot forward, 6 six steps back. no, they don't say that. i'm lying.
 
If you truly want to move on accept that he can never provide the type of healthy emotional support that you need. No matter how much you wish he'll change he's not going to. Then you need to break off all contact. Stop making excuses to yourself for seeing him. Whatever it is of yours that he has just let them go.

The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over but expecting different results. Stop the insanity now.
 
There's a book that can REALLY help you. It's called "What does he do that" and you can get it on Amazon - I really think you should buy it and read the whole thing. It's changed the lives of several people I know around.
 
it is true time heals...but only if you make the choice to not interact with him

for me letting loose the realtionship as it was allowed me time to mend

cant say it was easy or that it happened overnight....it honestly took as long as my toxic relationship lasted

...not sure if that is a truism for everyone...but it was for me

head up gorgeous....you deserve the best

<3
 
I was actually in a very simmilair situation a few months ago but looking back she seemed a bit psycho, I found that once I cut ALL ties with her I started to feel better and more independant I also starting going out more often and hanging out with friends and now I honestly feel like as long as I have my close friends , I could happily go the rest of my life single if need be, also in the mean time living a more sober life has helped a lot, i'm easing back into partying a little at a time.
 
I can relate, I once found myself in a similar relationship and each time I went back it escalated.
I never thought I could be in an abusive relationship, never me. But we met and slowly things got worse. Mind games, damaging my phone and physical abuse. I had never been in anything like it.

Stay away, find a new group of people- gym, yoga class, etc. Build a new life and do not look back. I wrote down everything that happened and at times look back on it and realize the insanity.

I left for good and was happy for the first 3 days, then I began to use like there was no tomorrow. I advise against this since I was just hurting myself as I was hurt in the relationship.

Be good to yourself.
 
How do you move away from an abusive relationship? By ,moving on with your life. Be happy with your choices. Dont look back.
 
Oh wow, I completely forgot I even made this. So, for an update, I never went back. It hurt for a long time. Now I look back, this was perhaps the biggest lesson of my life.
I have the fault of letting the people I love walk all over me, he figured this out and took advantage of it. It destroyed me - I was grieving the relationship longer than the relationship duration...

It changed me for the better, I came through the dark tunnel into a world of enlightenment. I am all the more stronger for it. If anybody who is reading this is in a similar situation, please get out while you can. You don't hurt somebody you love. That ain't love :) I know this now. <3
 
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