How to help partner with depression

[rpm]

Since my last post didn't go down too well (mostly I think because I was focusing on myself while drunk) I think I'll start again.

My girlfriend of 3 years has been sufffering from deppresion for a while. She's had bad points in the past although for the past few years she's been fine. Recently, however everything has gone to shit. She has been seriously contiplating suicide and writing draft suicide notes.

Now I don't think she will actually go through with it, although it still scares the shit out of me and makes me angry at the same time.

As I said she has suffered from depression in the past and I have been able to be there for her in what I think has been a suportive way. But since things have gone really bad, I find myself unable to be supportive or unreactive. I want to help, but it always seems to turn into an argument.

Also, before she really crashed (a couple of weeks ago), our relationship has been pretty dodgy. She seemed angry with me most of the time, never had time to talk, let alone have sex. I wonder if this was a symptom of enchroaching depression or if our relationship is just falling apart.

I also find myself very angry with her, although I know none of this is her fault (and I may be doing many things very wrong). I just don't know how to deal with my anger, because its eating me up.

I was just wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences or any suggestions.

 

[Lysis]

Grrr no reposts. Some of us are just waking up and we are easily confused.

 

[rpm]

Ok, shall I delete the old one? I just thought that people where reading it and immediatly judging me as being a self centered arsehole (which perhaps I was at the time). Plus, I'm asking a diffrent question. Moderators do what you will. (in fact that's more of a request)

 

[Mariposa]

I see that you deleted your own thread for the reason you describe - that you felt badly about the things you posted while drunk. Fair enough. I think a lot of us have been there.

You mentioned in your last thread that you are a counselor. What modality of therapy do you practice with your patients?

 

[rpm]

You mentioned in your last thread that you are a counselor. What modality of therapy do you practice with your patients?

I'm not practicing, as I am now working on a phd in neuroscience. I trained in gestalt although I also am atracted by cognitive analytic therapy. Why do you ask? Do you have a counselling background?

Oh and thanks for being understanding. I woke up this morning to find a torrent of abuse thrown at my thread which has sent me into a very introspective mode about my worth as a human. It's nice to have some reasurance

 

[Mariposa]

I'm not practicing, as I am now working on a phd in neuroscience. I trained in gestalt although I also am atracted by cognitive analytic therapy. Why do you ask? Do you have a counselling background?

Oh and thanks for being understanding. I woke up this morning to find a torrent of abuse thrown at my thread which has sent me into a very introspective mode about my worth as a human. It's nice to have some reasurance

I'm a layperson trained in peer counseling (mostly HIV peer education) but I did manage a bunch of psychology coursework when I was in school. I was also diagnosed with depression 9 years ago.

Good luck with your Ph.D. There are a few Bluelighters following a similar path; hopefully they'll see this and respond.

It's my belief that cognitive-behavioral therapy is the gold standard for treatment of depression. This is a good text on the subject.

I reviewed your previous thread before you deleted it, and while I agree that the tone of some posters was harsh, I don't understand why you are questioning your self-worth. You've rephrased your question, so let's move on.

Drafting suicide notes is an alarming behavior on the surface, but in and of itself it isn't an indicator of suicidal ideation. It's usually "journaling" or venting-type behavior. What is the basis for your belief that your girlfriend might try to kill herself beyond that? Assessing the credibility of threats of this type needs to be approached with a lot of caution.

Is your girlfriend currently receiving therapy and/or any medication?

 

[rpm]

Drafting suicide notes is an alarming behavior on the surface, but in and of itself it isn't an indicator of suicidal ideation. It's usually "journaling" or venting-type behavior. What is the basis for your belief that your girlfriend might try to kill herself beyond that? Assessing the credibility of threats of this type needs to be approached with a lot of caution.

Is your girlfriend currently receiving therapy and/or any medication?

She is recieving therapy (although she has only just started, 2nd session on friday), and on fluoxetine. I know that such behaviour is usually venting as you put it. However, in this case I am worried because she has ordered a lot of tramadol off the net with the intention of taking a lethal dose. Also she says that she is hearing voices telling her her to kill herself (although I interperate this as an internal monologue rather that schizophrenia). Also she talks about it every day (eg. I don't care what you do, I'll probably be dead in a few days any way).

As I said this makes me both sad and angry.

 

[Pander Bear]

depression isn't her fault, not getting treatment for it is her fault, though. You ought to write her a letter, sit down with her, and talk about getting treatment, or leaving. Its not your job to be with her if its not good for you.

 

[rant*N*rave]

Having been a wholly irrational depressed girlfriend at points before in my life, I can tell you that there is only one thing you can do for her - "be there." Show that you care, show your support, and do what you *can* to help her, but do not expect that you will change things or change her or even really make anything better. Depression is usually completely unrelated to actual reality, and it also has its own awesome way of convincing you that nothing will ever be better, so it's really difficult to think that things will ever change or that anyone's help will actually help... So I guess in other words, try not to take anything personally. I know it's damn near impossible, but it's all I can tell you...

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

My husband has depression and anxiety. He has had some very low points since we have been together. He never spoke of suicide. He has been on and off meds/therapy. If he wasn't constantly pro-active in getting and continuing treatment, I would not have stuck around. It is exhausting to be supportive if a partner is doing nothing to help themselves. I have been in that situation as well.

 

[Beatlebot]

If you are not happy in this relationship and you want to get out, you are not helping her by staying with her merely because she is depressed and suicidal. Being with someone out of pity never works and it's unhealthy for everyone. You don't owe her anything, especially if she is not putting in the work to get better herself.

I was one of the harsh ones before, but I didn't mean for you to take it personally. I just wanted you to see how ridiculous that idea was. With this relationship I think you have to decide whether you are in or out and then commit to that. If you are going to leave, rip off the bandaid now, don't drag her through all the drama an open relationship may cause.

I suffer from depression myself at times, though luckily I'm very far out of the woods in regards to comtemplating suicide. If anyone ever said to me they didn't care what I did because they would be dead in a few days anyway I would also get angry. That is incredibly immature no matter how depressed you are. PI is right, the responsibility rests with the depressed person first to get themselves better, if they are not putting in the work and the effort there is no reason anyone else should. It's all very nice to support our loved ones through difficult times, even when it is hard to do so, but you have to be doing because that's what you want to do, not out or fear, obligation or pity. Otherwise you could actually be doing more harm than good.

I'm sure you are doing the best you can, but if she is pushing you away maybe it's because you can't help, no matter what you do.

Yes it sounds harsh, but what if you only one life on this planet? Do you really want to spend it doing this?

 

[rpm]

Thanks everyone for the supportive replies.
In particular:

If you are not happy in this relationship and you want to get out, you are not helping her by staying with her merely because she is depressed and suicidal. Being with someone out of pity never works and it's unhealthy for everyone. You don't owe her anything, especially if she is not putting in the work to get better herself.

I was one of the harsh ones before, but I didn't mean for you to take it personally. I just wanted you to see how ridiculous that idea was. With this relationship I think you have to decide whether you are in or out and then commit to that. If you are going to leave, rip off the bandaid now, don't drag her through all the drama an open relationship may cause.

I agree, I think I am at a cross roads in terms of whether I will stay with her. , However, much as she should not take her life now based on her current head state,I don't think I should leave her now based on the fact that things have been difficult over the past month or so. I think I should wait till things have stabilized somewhat (bearing in mind that she has only been like this for a few weeks and in my experience people don't stay in the darkest stages of depression for long - they either do kill themselves, recover somewhat or there is a medical intervention) and then I can sort out how what I need to do for myself.

P.S. It's not just pity, it's love I feel for her and can I just mention idea of an open relationship is something I am no longer contemplating (I think it was just the booze talking)

 

[zephyr]

If you are not happy in this relationship and you want to get out, you are not helping her by staying with her merely because she is depressed and suicidal. Being with someone out of pity never works and it's unhealthy for everyone. You don't owe her anything, especially if she is not putting in the work to get better herself.

I was one of the harsh ones before, but I didn't mean for you to take it personally. I just wanted you to see how ridiculous that idea was. With this relationship I think you have to decide whether you are in or out and then commit to that. If you are going to leave, rip off the bandaid now, don't drag her through all the drama an open relationship may cause.

I suffer from depression myself at times, though luckily I'm very far out of the woods in regards to comtemplating suicide. If anyone ever said to me they didn't care what I did because they would be dead in a few days anyway I would also get angry. That is incredibly immature no matter how depressed you are. PI is right, the responsibility rests with the depressed person first to get themselves better, if they are not putting in the work and the effort there is no reason anyone else should. It's all very nice to support our loved ones through difficult times, even when it is hard to do so, but you have to be doing because that's what you want to do, not out or fear, obligation or pity. Otherwise you could actually be doing more harm than good.

I'm sure you are doing the best you can, but if she is pushing you away maybe it's because you can't help, no matter what you do.

Yes it sounds harsh, but what if you only one life on this planet? Do you really want to spend it doing this?

You say you suffer from depression at times, but from this post alone, I dont think you have suffered actual clinical depression. Good. :D

When a depressed person is in this particular state of mind, they are no longer thinking like a normal person does about themselves. Its really hard to break back out of it. You have no self worth, you are a burden, everyone would be better off without you, you would be happier if you were dead kinda thinking.

The best thing someone who has depression can do to lead a normal life is to catch themselves before they fall in the hole. They need to be able to recognise when its happenning, and this is where their partner/family can help Other people notice before the actual sufferer does.

The girlfriend has crashed already, so the only real thing to do now is get her some professional help. When she climbs back out of it she ill have to look after herself better. Take meds, do to a therapist, live a healthy life. But right now she will need help to get out of the suicidal frame of mind.

Take her to her doctor, and support her over the next week or so, then after that have the continuing treatment talk.

 

[Beatlebot]

Thanks for your diagnoses, Z, but I'm going to stick with my doctor.

I know from my very own experience of being both that there is a difference between being depressed and being a whiny bitch. The two don't necessarily have to go hand in hand.

It's good to support people when they are depressed, it is also good to call them out and give them consequences when they are being a jackass. Telling people you don't care what they do because you will be dead in a few days is clearly in the jackass catergory, I don't care how depressed you are.

 

[rant*N*rave]

^You clearly have never been clinically through Major Depression. Maybe you've had a depressive episode, but it can go WAY beyond that, even as bad as that is. I know I'm a bitch sometimes normally, but I have done some seriously FUCKED UP things when I've been through a bad depressive phase, both to other people and myself. I even tried to off myself while in a psych ward, knowing full well what happens when you do shit like that, but I did it anyways, and I ended up in the fucking hole for three days, just like I knew I would. I didn't eat or drink for three days, started getting really bad orthostatic hypotension, and refused to speak. At all. If someone had told me I was being a jackass and set "consequences" for my "bad behavior" at that moment, I'd have offed myself on the spot. Sometimes people need a leg up. And sometimes other people aren't strong enough to life the weight. If you can't lift it, you shouldn't, but if you love someone, you should at least give it a fair try. If you can't, you can't, and you just have to walk away. Totally shitty, but it's just how it is.

 

[Pander Bear]

oh wow, dicksizing.

 

[Beatlebot]

oh wow, dicksizing.

I know, right?

 

[Lysis]

My ex-BF was depressed and it's so hard coming from the "other" side. You just don't know what to do, and coming from a less depressed person (can't really say I'm normal) it was very exhausting. I wish I had BL when he was alive. It would have helped tremendously.

I feel for this guy, because it's really hard for the person who doesn't know what to do, is a lively person, loves the SO, but can't live forever with someone in that state.

My advice is to listen and don't be an ass like I was and ignore it.

 

[Hillbilly Dan]

Having gone through a slew of progressively more crazy bitches in my time, I can tell you that help is good, but trying to "fix" her is isn't going to work. Just be there and support her. If she hasn't seen a doc, take her. The fact that you've lasted three years with her is a good sign, but I've also gotten those feelings of being sucked dry emotionally. If it gets too bad and there's no sign of her improving, it's time to take a break. Staying in a one way relationship like that is way unhealthy.

 

[syymphonatic]

Be honest, tell her you care about her, and you're worried/scared, but that something needs to be done about it, something she actually dedicates herself to if she doesn't want to lose you. I've been on the crazy-depressed-suicidal side of things before, and while support and love go a long way, there's nothing like a good slap in the face with reality. This is not to say that telling her "ok baby, I love you but you gotta work on this or I'm leaving" is going to make her snap out of the black hole, but if you make a decision and let her know you're standing by it, it will at least let her know what's at stake, and make her consider what things are worth to her in terms of life priorities.