thewayjoshis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 31, 2015
- Messages
- 67
This post may be in the wrong category. My apologies if it is.
A little back story/potentially helpful information:
I have been diagnosed with touretts (Fortunately, a very minor case), ADD, and some sort of mood disorder. I know I have insomnia, but I haven't been diagnosed. All my life I have had an extremely hard time concentrating, as proved by my grades. Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with social anxiety, but have managed to overcome a majority of it over the years. However, about once every two weeks, I still have a day where it gets so bad that I have to isolate myself from everyone or I will pretty much start having a nervous breakdown. The only way to counteract this is with drugs, and at the time, I have to self-medicate.
In 7th grade I was prescribed ritalin and hated it. They switched me to adderall but I refused to take it. Back then, I had no intentions of abusing any kind of drug at all. Now, four years later, I do a variety of drugs from oxycodone to DXM and more. When I do adderall, I typically snort 15-45mg XR. I really like it. It completely removes any social anxiety I have and makes me feel confident in everyday life. On top of that, it makes me a fucking genius in school and I get amazing amounts of work done with good grades. Unfortunately, I have a reputation of being a druggie which is known to a lot of people in my area (parents, psychiatrists, etc.). This is mainly due to the fact that I have been taken to the ER by ambulance twice in the past 6 months for what my school nurse considers a 'life-threatening overdose' and last time I checked, 300mg of DXM before school is not quite an overdose, nor is it very life-threatening... Recently, my reputation as a druggie has started to fade away as I haven't been caught with drugs in months now and it seems as if everyone is starting to think I might have stopped.
To the point:
Part 1 (Focusing, Motivation, and Anxiety): Unfortunately, my sources of adderall are scarce, and I can only really use it 2-5 times a month. My family, school teachers, and psychiatrist are well aware that I can't focus at all in school, but a lot of them think it's just a matter of me not caring. And honestly, I think that's part of the reason too. My last visit with the psychiatrist was months ago, back when I was a known druggie. I wanted adderall, not just to abuse it, but actually because I think it will help me. I like to abuse it because it basically solves all of my problems (as in mental disorders) and makes me a boss at life. I would consider it self-medicating, not really abuse. But since adderall is a commonly abused drug, if I ask to be prescribed it, I will just look like a drug seeker (which I am too, but this time, I think I actually need it). Unfortunately, my psychiatrist's main goal seems to be to treat my touretts syndrome and my mood disorder. This causes him to give me shitty medications like abilify and lamictal which barely even help and just make me feel like shit. My dad takes adderall but is trying to get off. The reason it's hard for him is because he feels as if he can't function right or be productive without it. Just like me... My dad's personal opinion is that drugs should be used as least as possible and he wants to see me get off all medication. He has brought up adderall before and said, "hmm, maybe that would help you a bit". But hasn't put much thought into it.
Part 2 (Insomnia): I know I have insomnia but unfortunately, no one seems to believe me except my dad. It all started about a year ago when I lived in a boarding school (Very structured and extremely strict;It was fucking awful). There were two different groups of people there really: The thugs/druggies and the fuck boys/little kids that did their own thing. I started having really bad insomnia so I told the nurse (a different nurse than the one who called the ER twice, that was after I left boarding school) about it and asked if I could be prescribed some sort of sleeping pill or whatever to help me sleep at night. She knew I was part of the druggies/thugs group so her response was, "Look, I know you want your drugs, but sorry, you're not going to get them." She then told my whole family that I claimed I had insomnia in an attempt to get "my drugs", which was not the point at all. I left boarding school and told my dad what happened and he took me to a real psychiatrist who prescribed me trazodone. It didn't work because it didn't keep me asleep (My main problem is staying asleep, not going to sleep). I started not taking it and just letting in pile up in the corner of my closet. My mom found it all thinking I was saving it up to get high or something and told my psychiatrist. He then took me off of trazodone. To this day, I still have insomnia but it seems to last for about 2-3 weeks, go away for about 3-4 months, and then come back again, etc. So now, because of the first incident with the boarding school nurse, on top of the second incident with the pile of trazodone in my closet, I'm afraid to ask my psychiatrist for something to help me sleep as he will probably think I'm just trying to get high.
Part 3 (Touretts): I really have nothing to say about this other than that I've had it my entire life. I can technically 'control' it, but only if I dedicate 100% of my focus to it. It's not that bad (e.g. I don't scream "FUCK!!! SHITTY DICK ASS!!!!" randomly at the top of my lungs) but it's still noticeable and annoying. Usually I will suddenly and quickly turn my head or flick my wrist or move my shoulder around. Sometimes when my head twitches, I can feel a nerve pop and it hurts like hell for a day or two. I'm not completely sure if this is actually touretts to be honest, but that's really all I can say about it.
Conclusion: I have found that I am a better psychiatrist for myself than my psychiatrist hisself. Despite the fact he has a great reputation, one of the best in my state (Wisconsin), nothing he gives me seems to work. I want to suggest he prescribes me certain medications, mainly adderall at this point, but I will either just look like a drug seeker, or someone who thinks they know a lot about drugs and diagnostic treatment, but actually doesn't (Even thought I know myself better than anyone else in the world, and have probably experimented with way more drugs than anyone trying to help me, including my psychiatrist). I know adderall is right for me, it's pretty clear, but if I tell anyone that, they will just ask, "Well how would you know that?". Obviously because I have tried it, but obviously I'm not going to tell them that. So I'm pretty fucking clueless as to what to do about this but there's clearly a problem and I want to sleep at night, be productive, and stay confident. So if anyone is reading this who has any kind if advice for me at all, it would be much appreciated. Thank you bluelighters!
A little back story/potentially helpful information:
I have been diagnosed with touretts (Fortunately, a very minor case), ADD, and some sort of mood disorder. I know I have insomnia, but I haven't been diagnosed. All my life I have had an extremely hard time concentrating, as proved by my grades. Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with social anxiety, but have managed to overcome a majority of it over the years. However, about once every two weeks, I still have a day where it gets so bad that I have to isolate myself from everyone or I will pretty much start having a nervous breakdown. The only way to counteract this is with drugs, and at the time, I have to self-medicate.
In 7th grade I was prescribed ritalin and hated it. They switched me to adderall but I refused to take it. Back then, I had no intentions of abusing any kind of drug at all. Now, four years later, I do a variety of drugs from oxycodone to DXM and more. When I do adderall, I typically snort 15-45mg XR. I really like it. It completely removes any social anxiety I have and makes me feel confident in everyday life. On top of that, it makes me a fucking genius in school and I get amazing amounts of work done with good grades. Unfortunately, I have a reputation of being a druggie which is known to a lot of people in my area (parents, psychiatrists, etc.). This is mainly due to the fact that I have been taken to the ER by ambulance twice in the past 6 months for what my school nurse considers a 'life-threatening overdose' and last time I checked, 300mg of DXM before school is not quite an overdose, nor is it very life-threatening... Recently, my reputation as a druggie has started to fade away as I haven't been caught with drugs in months now and it seems as if everyone is starting to think I might have stopped.
To the point:
Part 1 (Focusing, Motivation, and Anxiety): Unfortunately, my sources of adderall are scarce, and I can only really use it 2-5 times a month. My family, school teachers, and psychiatrist are well aware that I can't focus at all in school, but a lot of them think it's just a matter of me not caring. And honestly, I think that's part of the reason too. My last visit with the psychiatrist was months ago, back when I was a known druggie. I wanted adderall, not just to abuse it, but actually because I think it will help me. I like to abuse it because it basically solves all of my problems (as in mental disorders) and makes me a boss at life. I would consider it self-medicating, not really abuse. But since adderall is a commonly abused drug, if I ask to be prescribed it, I will just look like a drug seeker (which I am too, but this time, I think I actually need it). Unfortunately, my psychiatrist's main goal seems to be to treat my touretts syndrome and my mood disorder. This causes him to give me shitty medications like abilify and lamictal which barely even help and just make me feel like shit. My dad takes adderall but is trying to get off. The reason it's hard for him is because he feels as if he can't function right or be productive without it. Just like me... My dad's personal opinion is that drugs should be used as least as possible and he wants to see me get off all medication. He has brought up adderall before and said, "hmm, maybe that would help you a bit". But hasn't put much thought into it.
Part 2 (Insomnia): I know I have insomnia but unfortunately, no one seems to believe me except my dad. It all started about a year ago when I lived in a boarding school (Very structured and extremely strict;It was fucking awful). There were two different groups of people there really: The thugs/druggies and the fuck boys/little kids that did their own thing. I started having really bad insomnia so I told the nurse (a different nurse than the one who called the ER twice, that was after I left boarding school) about it and asked if I could be prescribed some sort of sleeping pill or whatever to help me sleep at night. She knew I was part of the druggies/thugs group so her response was, "Look, I know you want your drugs, but sorry, you're not going to get them." She then told my whole family that I claimed I had insomnia in an attempt to get "my drugs", which was not the point at all. I left boarding school and told my dad what happened and he took me to a real psychiatrist who prescribed me trazodone. It didn't work because it didn't keep me asleep (My main problem is staying asleep, not going to sleep). I started not taking it and just letting in pile up in the corner of my closet. My mom found it all thinking I was saving it up to get high or something and told my psychiatrist. He then took me off of trazodone. To this day, I still have insomnia but it seems to last for about 2-3 weeks, go away for about 3-4 months, and then come back again, etc. So now, because of the first incident with the boarding school nurse, on top of the second incident with the pile of trazodone in my closet, I'm afraid to ask my psychiatrist for something to help me sleep as he will probably think I'm just trying to get high.
Part 3 (Touretts): I really have nothing to say about this other than that I've had it my entire life. I can technically 'control' it, but only if I dedicate 100% of my focus to it. It's not that bad (e.g. I don't scream "FUCK!!! SHITTY DICK ASS!!!!" randomly at the top of my lungs) but it's still noticeable and annoying. Usually I will suddenly and quickly turn my head or flick my wrist or move my shoulder around. Sometimes when my head twitches, I can feel a nerve pop and it hurts like hell for a day or two. I'm not completely sure if this is actually touretts to be honest, but that's really all I can say about it.
Conclusion: I have found that I am a better psychiatrist for myself than my psychiatrist hisself. Despite the fact he has a great reputation, one of the best in my state (Wisconsin), nothing he gives me seems to work. I want to suggest he prescribes me certain medications, mainly adderall at this point, but I will either just look like a drug seeker, or someone who thinks they know a lot about drugs and diagnostic treatment, but actually doesn't (Even thought I know myself better than anyone else in the world, and have probably experimented with way more drugs than anyone trying to help me, including my psychiatrist). I know adderall is right for me, it's pretty clear, but if I tell anyone that, they will just ask, "Well how would you know that?". Obviously because I have tried it, but obviously I'm not going to tell them that. So I'm pretty fucking clueless as to what to do about this but there's clearly a problem and I want to sleep at night, be productive, and stay confident. So if anyone is reading this who has any kind if advice for me at all, it would be much appreciated. Thank you bluelighters!
Last edited by a moderator: