Hi there, this is my first post ever. I've lurked on this board for sooo long. Your post is the first one that completely sucked me in. I can relate. wow.
I have to admit, I've never done heroin or anything like that, but I've been on Bupe for years; prescribed to me to get off of percocets that were also prescribed to me. Yes. I'm so mad. I would've never ever went on subutex for as long as I have if I knew how evil it can be.
I wish my psychiatrist made me do a quick taper since that's all I needed. Back then, I was only physically addicted to the percs because of knee surgery. But now, years later, I am mentally and physically dependent on subutex. Maybe I am lucky, but I only need like at most, 2mg subutex a day. I take 1mg in the morning and .5-1mg late afternoon when I start feeling terrible and can't take it anymore.
What got me about your post was I am one of the lucky ones. My husband holds onto my subutex. Before he leaves for work in the morning, he leaves me a "crumb" of sub; I am prescribed 1 x 8mg subutex aka buprenorphine a day. But as much as I want off of it, my hubby wants me off of it too...it's changed me. I am tired all the time, or should I say up and down. I gained weight. I am lazy compared to how I used to be. I used to be full of life.
I used to be the one who inspired others by my strong willpower and longing for feeling awesome naturally. Now I am weak, dependent, and, well, not the real "me". When my hubby gets home from work around 5-6pm, I am at the point at begging for a small piece....he has this look he gives me which kills me....like I know he cares about me, loves me, but when is this gonna end? When will I "grow out of this"? I am trying. So hard. Mental anguish is bad but for me the physical part kills me. I just started a weight loss program. It's been only 4 days (laugh all you want I know) but I'm starting to see and feel a bit clearer. I force myself to get outside with my daughter who's 9; she has no clue what I'm going through; I would never let her know but she obviously knows that "mommy got fat and sleeps a lot". But she knows I'm working on losing all the weight, and get less "sleepy". She's excited which makes me feel proud and relief that she isn't disappointed in me like she was a lot of times....I am not religious but I pray every night before sleep to please help me by any means possible by giving me strength to beat this. Last time.
Of course it's easy to say all this right now because I still take almost 2mg a day which is a lot; you may not think so but if you never took opiates regularly and took 2mg of subutex you'd probably get so freaking high and buzzed and vomit. No joke. This stuff sucks more than anything because it takes forever to fully get out of your body...and then when it finally does, you still have to heal which means even more feeling like shit. I once got off subutex 2 years ago and it took 45 days approximately to feel awesome again. It was agonizing in the beginning and I HATE MYSELF for taking it one night for a buzz and getting hooked on it again! Hate hate hate myself. Because it was the hardest thing I ever withdrew from mentally. I did it and then messed it all up.
Sorry for rambling. Its 12:15 here, and I've got work to do now and then I am forcing myself to workout before my daughter gets home from work but I figured if an online weight watchers can work and get me to lose weight and keep me motivated maybe an online forum or chat where others are suffering and trying to stop taking something maybe it'll help as well. I am willing to try and do anything at this point. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, and I am willing to participate more if it helps anyone I promise. I just won't participate in areas that promote drug use for fun. Thanks for starting this post by the way.
keep on keeping on, brother!
