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How To Approach Girlfrend for sex

I

IzGood

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 27, 2003
Messages
220
My girlfriend consistently says no to sex.
She said to me that my approach is very bad.

Usually my approach is just start talking nice, kissing and it goes from there.
But my girlfriend starts not to like kissing because she says that every time I kiss, it leads to sex (I don't see what the problem is with that but it's what she says).

So I have learnt that she is not so keen on kissing so I end up usually initiating it with some verbal or body language type cue so she gets the idea of what I want to which she usually says no.

So how the hell am I supposed to approach her?
 
well this sounds exactly like my ex... and in our case there was something bothering her...after that was resolved she was "normal" again.

kissing passionatly can lead to sex. verbal and body cues can lead to sex. lying on the bed doing nothing can lead to sex. however nothing leads to sex if she doesnt want to have sex. talk to her about it but at the same time try not to pressure her. if there is nothing that is bothering her (which i highly doubt), then it might be time to start looking for a new girlfriend.

its not you, its her.
 
Hmmm, IzGood; that's unfortunate that your gf thinks your approach is bad because that sounds good to me! Maybe you should try doing some make out sessions that DON'T lead to anywhere and maybe that would make her less suspicious about kissing.

I wish the dood I have been dating would attempt with some kissing because our sex life is awful!! Like it happens maybe once every couple months (seriously). He'll say something very awkward about how he is "feeling frisky" and then just sit there! Like I am supposed to be instantly turned on because he is feeling horny. 8) Or he will touch me on the shoulder with a fingertip (seriously) and then apologize for being so touchy feely, ugh. Its all very frustrating because overall he is a great guy but the chemistry is next to nil.

Maybe your girlfriend is suffering from a low libido. (I know I am!) She just could just not want to be intimate because she's just not feeling it at all. Maybe you could try giving her some backrubs, footrubs, etc. without them being obviously about the ultimate goal of having sex.
 
I think it's that she feels pressured, that sex is "expected" of her. Here's what you need to do.

Make it about her. Her pleasure. Give her soft, sweet kisses, all over her face, eyelids, neck, etc while whispering things to her about how much you love her. As you're doing this, tell her something like "Is it okay if we don't make love? I just want to kiss you right now baby."

Take the pressure off of her and focus all your energy on making sure she is pleasured. Give her oral, kiss her all over, play with her, laugh with her, etc. Ask her about her fantasies... focus on being with her and talking to her more than "approaching her for sex". She doesn't want to be approached for sex. She wants romance.

That's my guess anyway. If it isn't that, maybe there is something deeper going on with her which would explain why she doesn't want sex. I just know for myself, if sex becomes a chore that is expected of me, I'm no longer aroused by it. Gotta light that romantic fire and live in the moment with your girl.
 
I think this is a problem for a lot of young women. Guys have a very high libido and women are just starting to learn about their sexuality. While men get pleasure from sex pretty much from the first time, its often not like that for women. It takes them a while to find out how to get pleasure out of sex. Also not all men are good in bed and that is especially true when they are young and still learning. It doesn't take much to arouse a young guy and the same is usually not true for women.

Your gf doesn't want to have sex with you all the time. My guess is that it wouldn't matter who she was with, she still would be acting the same so its not something you are doing wrong. You guys might have had a lot of sex in the beginning and now it died down and you don't know whats going on.

She just simply isn't into sex as much as you are. Probably no matter how you approach her she still would act the same. Even if you ask her what to do and do it exactly how she wants, she would still find something wrong and blame it on that. Because she simply doesn't want to have sex as much as you do.

What can you do?
You can find a new gf who would have sex with you as much as you want. You might find a young girl with the same libido as you, but on average women have lower libidos and especially young women.
Or you might realize that you guys have different sexual needs and compromise if you want to be in a relationship. Why are you with her? is it mostly sexual or to be with her as a person?

I think you should tell her to tell you when she wants sex and let her initiate it. I think it will make your sex life much better. If you keep on asking and she keeps saying no then you can deduct that she is not interested. Give her the power and have sex only when both of you want to have sex? She probably sees it as a chore and that's a huge turn off. I know you think that having sex only when she wants to is ridiculous, but why should she have sex when she doesn't want to. It leads to frustration on her part and is not good for long term relationship.

Wait until she gets so horny that she begs you for it. Each experience will be so intense that you won't know where you are.

That is what my SO does. He goes on with his life unless I show interest. We have been together for 6 years and the sex is still amazing, out of body experience type thing every time. He never begs me for it. Never gets mad if I don't do it when he wants to. It ridiculous to expect women to have sex with men when they are not in the mood.

Sex should only happen when both are in the mood. Sex should not be pressured. Women are not like men. They can't always get in the mood and when we are not in the mood the experience is the opposite of pleasurable.

If you wait for her to initiate, she will pay back the favor and your sex life will improve. Whining and begging for sex and getting mad if she doesn't want it only leads to worse sex life.
 
I agree with Zyggy for the most part except it isn't ALWAYS guys who are more into sex than girls. I love sex a LOT and my ex just wasn't into it as much (it's NOT because I was bad - lol - maybe at the beginning but not since then!). My libido was much higher than his. Now with my current boyfriend, his is a bit higher than mine (not too much though). I know he wants sex more than I do but it's not by a lot and it works for us :)
 
In my opinion (someone who has never had sex)

Do you do any other sexual things besides sex? That could be a good start for her to get her more comfortable with the whole idea of sexuality. At least for me, fingering my got rid of a good amount of libido.., just being able to satisfy her helped a lot and made it so I cared significantly less about having sex.
 
ya dude if she feels pressured or thinks that you only get intimate and kiss/talk nice to her when you want to have sex, it's kind of a turn off. do you ever do those things without a goal in mind?
thats the key right there, don't expect things. when you expect something from someone it puts weight on them.

guys are pretty much down for sex anytime, girls can be a little more selective. sometime they turn into little nymphos and sometimes it's the last thing they want. zyggy's advice about letting her get horny and do the initiating is good....alot of guys think they're a badass stud when they can convince a girl to do things. i think a stud is a guy who's personality actually makes a girl want to do things, on her own without verbal persuasion...and being understanding when she doesn't want to do certain things.

if you have sex in mind and thats what you want to do, try being a little more aggressive and direct and not such a pansy about it. grab her ass and tell her you wanna fuck her. i'm not saying force anything, but even if a girl isn't in the mood in a certain moment sometimes certain things can bring her to that level...ya know?

and maybe you should rething your romantic feelings for her. if the only time you wanna kiss her is when you wanna fuck and you don't see a problem with that, then maybe your feelings for her aren't that intimate. maybe that's what you're not looking for, no big deal, but maybe you should be curious about if you guys want the same things in a partner.
 
MynameisnotDeja said:
I think it's that she feels pressured, that sex is "expected" of her. Here's what you need to do.

Make it about her. Her pleasure. Give her soft, sweet kisses, all over her face, eyelids, neck, etc while whispering things to her about how much you love her. As you're doing this, tell her something like "Is it okay if we don't make love? I just want to kiss you right now baby."

Take the pressure off of her and focus all your energy on making sure she is pleasured. Give her oral, kiss her all over, play with her, laugh with her, etc. Ask her about her fantasies... focus on being with her and talking to her more than "approaching her for sex". She doesn't want to be approached for sex. She wants romance.

That's my guess anyway. If it isn't that, maybe there is something deeper going on with her which would explain why she doesn't want sex. I just know for myself, if sex becomes a chore that is expected of me, I'm no longer aroused by it. Gotta light that romantic fire and live in the moment with your girl.
Click to expand...

Good advice Deja.
 
bro a sure way to get sum from her is to give her poon the licking of her life but dont let her cum and dont insert ur finger into the love hole just tease the outside of it.
 
Sometimes I think yeah ok, just let the female initiate sex whenever she wants it etc etc etc.

But then other times I think f*ck, I like sex, it's not hurting anyone, in terms of effort for her....she's done it before, she seems to like it, so why the f*ck not. If I don't feel in the mood and one of my ex-gf's has wanted it (even one time I was so tired, I was asleep), I just rolled over and let her have her way with me with her on top. I don't think it's so much effort for your boyfriend / girlfriend if there is an inherent social expectation that you are sexually exclusive to each other. When my gf says no, what do I do? Go and cheat or f*ck myself. Neither are good options.
 
IzGood said:
But my girlfriend starts not to like kissing because she says that every time I kiss, it leads to sex (I don't see what the problem is with that but it's what she says).
Click to expand...

She is trying to tell you something here and it has to do with more than just sex...
 
Sometimes you just have to turn the pressure up. I can relate to having a girlfriend who had a similar degree of inclination towards sex. I was always the one initiating it, and I know it would irritate her at times. However, once she'd relent she always enjoyed it. Afterwards was the same story every time "Gee, I forget how awesome this is! Why don't we do it more?" Then a day later is was back to the same. It was an uphill battle and I had to harass her a lot sometimes (but not in a demeaning way). Her body made me ravenous though...couldn't get enough of it.

IME women don't always know what they want, so keep trying. It does get old though, and probably symbolizes some relationship/hormonal/other issue at play that needs to be addressed.aa
 
IzGood said:
But my girlfriend starts not to like kissing because she says that every time I kiss, it leads to sex (I don't see what the problem is with that but it's what she says).

So I have learnt that she is not so keen on kissing so I end up usually initiating it with some verbal or body language type cue so she gets the idea of what I want to which she usually says no.

So how the hell am I supposed to approach her?
Click to expand...

Dude, you're getting rejected and it's so painfully obvious.
The info you provided in the post leads me to believe that the two of you aren't actually in a legitimate relationship.
Most likely you have been friend zoned, and haven't been fully aware of it yet.
If the girl doesn't like kissing you, and tries to remotely avoid having sex with you is because she doesn't see you as boyfriend material.
Real relationships require intimacy, otherwise you two are just wasting each others time.
 
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