how to advise a friend who's boyfriend wont stop looking at porn?

[CoffeeDrinker]

Pornagraphy by its very design is intended to get in the way of that, to separate my sexuality from being a gift for another person, and instead make it a tool that is turned inward on myself, my desires, my pleasures.

Pornography prevents rape and who knows how many unwanted pregnancies. His "vice" is a blessing to all the world.

She ought to not be with a 21 year old if she wants to have a baby.

 

[Johnny1]

If a guy would choose access to porn over his partner then that guy is a total wuss. It's like these functional alcoholics who take a drink or two every day.. whilst they're not drunk and can function that doesn't mean they're not alcoholics and sick. I don't actually think it's unreasonable for a women to make that demand of her partner, so long as she's not denying him real pussy.. if she's a good enough lover the guy will not need porn.

I don't think you understand the sexual makeup of the typical, normal man. Men are not monogamous by nature. We are designed to spread our seed to as many healthy women as possible. That doesn't mean we should follow every urge and impregnate multiple women without raising the children, but knowing where our impulses come from will help you to understand men. In order to have a long-term relationship with a woman, both because most women require monogamy and because most men could not accept their partner not being monogamous, men repress their natural instinct to have sex with other women. Fantasy, porn, and masturbation are crucial to most men to be able to cope with monogamy.

Not only do you refuse to accept this (despite the fact you probably secretly know it), you insist on equating casual use with addiction, which is another delusion. Please get real.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

SS is idealistic. Porn saves lives, careers, and is great for the planet. A few crying ladies is well worth the cost.

 

[tokenname]

Almost all guys watch porn. For a girl to say to a guy, "Don't watch porn," is like saying "Don't have any sex fantasies about anyone other than me." It's unrealistic and unfair, and a good reason for the guy to end the relationship (plus a red flag of other problems).

But it would be entirely realistic and fair for her to say, "Don't let porn get in the way of our relationship. Don't overuse it or focus on it rather than me." It's like the difference between having a glass of wine to relax and being a drunk. There's no reason to attempt to deny the former for fear of the latter. If the guy is abusing it and the relationship is suffering, then it's a problem. But not before.

+1
As a woman..porn doesn't bother me one bit..
Beyond it being used as a masturbation aid..
it can also be incorporated into a fantastic sex life..
provided both partners are willing and accepting of it.

I see it as a tool..and like any other tool it can be used
to build..or destroy.

The problem here is if he's propositioning other women..
then he doesn't love her..
if she feels the need to check up behind him and snoop..
then she doesn't trust him..making it impossible for her to love him.
I don't think you can trust a snooper either..tbh.
Their relationship problems are caused by them..
not porn.

defying her??
Is she his mommy or his partner?

If he has an addiction to porn..then that's going to be a relationship killer for sure..
If that's not the case..then they need to meet in the middle and find some kind of compromise..
until they can do that..and both act like grown-ups..be open and honest w/each other,
they need to put any baby plans on hold IMO.
At this point, it just doesn't seem a good situation for a child to be born into.

~token

 

[-=SS=-]

Not only do you refuse to accept this (despite the fact you probably secretly know it), you insist on equating casual use with addiction, which is another delusion. Please get real.

Why should I accept it, because some bozo told me it's true because someone told him it's true? If you want to believe everything from Darwinian type biology that's fine, but that doesn't mean that's how it really is. I think men are willing to accept the idea that they need to fuck different girls because it gives them justification for doing so. At no point has anyone really investigated their own minds to see how this actually works, people just take the assumptions of biologists as fact. No one ever considers the possibility that you're told that's how things are because it serves the purpose of someone else. But I digress.

I believe all porn use is an addiction despite anyones attempts to rationalize it. Addicted people won't admit their problem until they come out the other side and see it from a different perspective.

 

[ForEverAfter]

now he is doing it in secret and she checks his history that he is unaware of and she feels she can't trust him.

Sounds like a bitch.

Masturbation aid? What ever happened to just putting on some lube and using your imagination? I mean if we're strictly talking about a guy physically releasing his tension then once a week is more than sufficient, and at that level of release you would not need porn at all.. you'd be naturally horny and lube/imagination would be plenty. Men don't need to release more than that, anything else is pure rationalization of an addiction to brain chemistry. I really do not buy the argument 'porn is an aid', to me it's an addiction outright. We don't see it like that any more because that's just how degenerate our society has become sexually.. I know people will deny and protest that but it is the truth.

What's the difference between porn and imagination? Thinking about other women while jerking off vs. looking at pictures of other women while jerking off... It's the same thing, isn't it? I'm honestly amazed how conservative some of the opinions are in SLR. Guys are degenerates if they look at porn? Fuck. No wonder I created such a stink with the underage thread. Repression ain't healthy. What CoffeeDrinker said: +1.

Why should I accept it, because some bozo told me it's true because someone told him it's true? If you want to believe everything from Darwinian type biology that's fine, but that doesn't mean that's how it really is. I think men are willing to accept the idea that they need to fuck different girls because it gives them justification for doing so. At no point has anyone really investigated their own minds to see how this actually works, people just take the assumptions of biologists as fact. No one ever considers the possibility that you're told that's how things are because it serves the purpose of someone else.

They've done studies. It's not a conspiracy. It's a fact. We, as a species, study ourselves exhaustively. Men are, for whatever reason, predisposed towards multiple sexual partners. Deny it, if that makes you feel better; but it doesn't change reality.

 

[-=SS=-]

They've done studies, you mean, like the one someone here suggested that all men have a sexual response to peado stimuli? Get fucking real. I remember my gay friend saying exactly the same thing about a study done showing homosexual stimuli to males. As if all studies are impartial and objective mate, the people who carry out a lot of these so called studies are either degenerate or deranged to begin with and use it to justify their own behaviour. Like the homosexuals who pressured the APA into changing homosexuality out of being a mental illness.. that wasn't even done with any evidence, just political pressure! You got to see the human element in all these studies, people wanting to rationalize their behaviour as normal. And also people see what they want to see.. saying we need multiple partners is just a pathetic rationalization to justify our own lack of will.

If we're functioning with our pea brain reptilian system then yes maybe we are predisposed to wanting to fuck everything.. but I don't function from that centre and neither do a lot of other males.. see, we have two other more superior brain systems, the emotional and frontal cortex systems. I know, and have known since I was a child, that I want a deep emotional and spiritual connection with just one partner instead of having multiple fuck parnters who do nothing for my higher brain systems. I have no desire for multiple fuck partners.. that impulse is trumped by the emotional/spiritual need by 1,000,000 to 1.

It's not about being conservative, it's about actually recognizing what is healthy for the individual and society instead of just going along with what "feels" good to you. As I said in your other thread ForEverAfter, you're not toxic, but you certainly have a mentality that is.

 

[tokenname]

What's the difference between porn and imagination? Thinking about other women while jerking off vs. looking at pictures of other women while jerking off... It's the same thing, isn't it? I'm honestly amazed how conservative some of the opinions are in SLR. Guys are degenerates if they look at porn? Fuck. No wonder I created such a stink with the underage thread. Repression ain't healthy.

+1

some women watch porn too...shhhhhhhhhh..

 

[rules]

iadmittedly, i didn't read most of the replies, but let me just say that i am appalled that women get mad that men look at porn. If they want to do it they're going to do it, leave him alone. as for advice, maybe watch porn together...if you can stomach it.

 

[Lunchboxor]

i know many of you will think there is no problem but i think its the fact he is defying her that bothered her. either way he will do it though and either way she wont be happy.

The man is not a dog. She doesn't have any type of authority over him, therefore, has no place demanding him to do something, especially something as harmless as porn. He doesnt want to cheat on his SO, thus he watches porn. Perhaps he has tried fantasies with her that she rejected, he turned to porn.

Although it isnt right that he is proposing for sex onto others who isnt his SO, but flirting? Flirting is part of human nature, it is part of our brain chemistry that we flirt with others of the other sex whom we find attractive and who can bear our children. Regardless of relationship, we as humans are programmed to make as many kids as we can to pass on the family genes. People flirt without realizing it. If she expects him to stop flirting, then what she really expects him to do is to get a lobotomy. I can guarantee she flirts with others as well, and just doesn't realize it. Yes, theres a time and place to not flirt, but, in the end, she wants something that is not possible at all times. At a party and your just talking to a girl? Yes, nature dictates we flirt.

In the end, their personalities are not right for eachother. Relationship needs to end, in the most unexplosive way possible.

 

[Lunchboxor]

They've done studies, you mean, like the one someone here suggested that all men have a sexual response to peado stimuli? Get fucking real. I remember my gay friend saying exactly the same thing about a study done showing homosexual stimuli to males. As if all studies are impartial and objective mate, the people who carry out a lot of these so called studies are either degenerate or deranged to begin with and use it to justify their own behaviour. Like the homosexuals who pressured the APA into changing homosexuality out of being a mental illness.. that wasn't even done with any evidence, just political pressure! You got to see the human element in all these studies, people wanting to rationalize their behaviour as normal. And also people see what they want to see.. saying we need multiple partners is just a pathetic rationalization to justify our own lack of will.

If we're functioning with our pea brain reptilian system then yes maybe we are predisposed to wanting to fuck everything.. but I don't function from that centre and neither do a lot of other males.. see, we have two other more superior brain systems, the emotional and frontal cortex systems. I know, and have known since I was a child, that I want a deep emotional and spiritual connection with just one partner instead of having multiple fuck parnters who do nothing for my higher brain systems. I have no desire for multiple fuck partners.. that impulse is trumped by the emotional/spiritual need by 1,000,000 to 1.

It's not about being conservative, it's about actually recognizing what is healthy for the individual and society instead of just going along with what "feels" good to you. As I said in your other thread ForEverAfter, you're not toxic, but you certainly have a mentality that is.

Whilst in a perfect world, yes we are all rational beings, but in the world we are in, no person is perfect or rational at all times. Emotions and instinct scream much louder then logic does. I applaud you for having an internal locus of control, its a very powerful skill to have, but to look down upon others due to their inability break their external locus of control is childish. Ellis' whole school of psychology says this blatently, the name of it alone, rational emotive behavioral therapy. Its very hard for some to do. To take into account for their emotions, then think about it logically, to finally form a behavior that is socially acceptable. Dont get me wrong, the fact you can display such an amount of self control is a very good thing, but, are you always, 100 percent of the time rational and perfect? Taking no advice from your own emotions and feelings? Not in this world, and friend, neither am I. None of us can do so, its our job as irrational beings to be rational as often as we can.

 

[sockpuppet]

Some really strange ideas about sex and humans in this thread....all too common but strange all the same.

The horny half of the human tribe - both male and female - very much want to have sex with a wide variety of other humans all the time - generally in ways that would seem shocking to the less horny half of the tribe. The horny half tend to find both exhibitionism and voyeurism exciting. There is no need whatsoever for any societal programming to make this so, but it takes going through life with very strong preconceptions and social "blinders" on to avoid seeing that truth if one lives awhile and sees much of the world. Some people are not very horny or have otherwise complicated and restricting social or psychological issues with sex - the rest of us wish you happiness as long as you leave us alone to fuck as we like.

Wanting to have sex with everyone constantly is totally normal.

Wanting to watch people fucking or have people watch you fucking is totally normal.

Porn is normal and healthy in and of itself. Free and casual sex is normal and healthy by itself. There may be reasons it's smart not to overdo either - but both are totally normal and healthy.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

The point is jacking off to porn isn't the same as going out and spreading my Darwinian mandate (but don't tell my balls that), which is why girls just need to take this one on the chin, or wherever they take things, and deal with it.

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

from the sound of things, he is not satisfied with her, himself and their relationship - his natural urge is to sow his wild oats elsewhere too (hence the propositioning others), and watching porn loads etc - it's indicative of our current state of affairs, that porn is "normal"...when really it's influencing people's sexualities and often damaging them due to needing visual aids in order to masturbate - destroying ones imagination.

She should withhold the sex, and talk to him about going their seperate ways if he is disatisfied with where they are at.

It won't get any better if she lets him walk over her, and if she gives him an ultimatum (albeit a subtle but rigid one/two options), he should work out very quickly what it is he wants from her as she starts showing some back bone...but she CANNOT nag.

It has to be a confident talk, and expression of feelings practiced beforehand in order to not sound like an attack. If he is young he will probably shrink back against a barrage of blah blah.

And make sure to tell her to stand up to him literally if he is trying to dominate the conversation before she has made him understand what she means, and if he seems to be shrinking away tell her to sit with him, close but not too close - with maybe just a hand on his shoulder/round his neck, or something.

Just suggestions - I have noticed this kinda behaviour before, and also experienced some of it myself.

 

[rangrz]

If we're functioning with our pea brain reptilian system then yes maybe we are predisposed to wanting to fuck everything.. but I don't function from that centre and neither do a lot of other males.. see, we have two other more superior brain systems, the emotional and frontal cortex systems. I know, and have known since I was a child, that I want a deep emotional and spiritual connection with just one partner instead of having multiple fuck parnters who do nothing for my higher brain systems. I have no desire for multiple fuck partners.. that impulse is trumped by the emotional/spiritual need by 1,000,000 to 1.

But what your saying is not necessarily linked to monogamy in any way. Last things I discussed with the 3 chicks I smash on a regular basis. chick a) I explained most of why Maxwell's equations for electrodynamics fail to explain some things.chick b)tldr about food and making thereof and c)linux version debate.

Each of those areas visits the um "higher brain regions" as much as anything can. So how is it again only a monogamous relationship can appeal to said brain components?

 

[ForEverAfter]

from the sound of things, he is not satisfied with her, himself and their relationship - his natural urge is to sow his wild oats elsewhere too (hence the propositioning others), and watching porn loads etc - it's indicative of our current state of affairs, that porn is "normal"...when really it's influencing people's sexualities and often damaging them due to needing visual aids in order to masturbate - destroying ones imagination.

She should withhold the sex, and talk to him about going their seperate ways if he is disatisfied with where they are at.

It won't get any better if she lets him walk over her, and if she gives him an ultimatum (albeit a subtle but rigid one/two options), he should work out very quickly what it is he wants from her as she starts showing some back bone...but she CANNOT nag.

It has to be a confident talk, and expression of feelings practiced beforehand in order to not sound like an attack. If he is young he will probably shrink back against a barrage of blah blah.

And make sure to tell her to stand up to him literally if he is trying to dominate the conversation before she has made him understand what she means, and if he seems to be shrinking away tell her to sit with him, close but not too close - with maybe just a hand on his shoulder/round his neck, or something.

Just suggestions - I have noticed this kinda behaviour before, and also experienced some of it myself.

^Totally disagree. Couldn't disagree more.

Men are men. This is what men do. They look at porn. The only thing separating this guy from the rest of us, is: he's being honest. This no porn mentality just forces us to lie. Then women complain about that. Can't fucking win. There is no solution in which men stop looking at porn. It's not going to happen. Ever. Your husband/boyfriend is either going to do it front of you or lie to you. Those are your options.

Is there an ethical issue with women using vibrators? Should men be concerned about women "fucking machines"? Because, if you want to get technical about it, that's not exactly natural either - is it? And if the woman was totally satisfied with her man, then she wouldn't have to use battery operated machinery... right?

The fact is: women will use vibrators and men will watch porn. You can bitch and moan and say "It's not true!" but, in the end, you're just lying to yourself. You can't change men. You can't change women. You can spend your life trying too. But, in the end, that's either a miserable or a delusional existence.

What is so disgusting about porn? If those of you who object to pornography weren't so self-conscious about your abilities as lovers, it wouldn't bother you. It's your psychological issue, not theirs. Why find a picture or a video threatening? Is your relationship that fucked? If so, leave the relationship; otherwise, just fucking go with it.

Jesus...

 

[Libby]

I'm watching porn right now

 

[sockpuppet]

I'm watching porn right now

I just told my GF I was thinking about fucking a woman watching porn on the other side of the world whom I've never seen. It turned her on.

Later on we might make some porn together while she fantasizes about being used in horrible ways by groups of men and women.

Neither of us needed any help from society or porn infection to become this way. It came naturally.....

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

^Totally disagree. Couldn't disagree more.

Men are men. This is what men do. They look at porn. The only thing separating this guy from the rest of us, is: he's being honest. This no porn mentality just forces us to lie. Then women complain about that. Can't fucking win. There is no solution in which men stop looking at porn. It's not going to happen. Ever. Your husband/boyfriend is either going to do it front of you or lie to you. Those are your options.

NSFW:

Is there an ethical issue with women using vibrators? Should men be concerned about women "fucking machines"? Because, if you want to get technical about it, that's not exactly natural either - is it? And if the woman was totally satisfied with her man, then she wouldn't have to use battery operated machinery... right?

The fact is: women will use vibrators and men will watch porn. You can bitch and moan and say "It's not true!" but, in the end, you're just lying to yourself. You can't change men. You can't change women. You can spend your life trying too. But, in the end, that's either a miserable or a delusional existence.

What is so disgusting about porn? If those of you who object to pornography weren't so self-conscious about your abilities as lovers, it wouldn't bother you. It's your psychological issue, not theirs. Why find a picture or a video threatening? Is your relationship that fucked? If so, leave the relationship; otherwise, just fucking go with it.

Jesus...

actually mate I don't think you got the picture - it's that he looks at porn a shitload. That's not terribly good behaviour - trust me, I used to do it too, now my sexuality is free, open and healthy, and I occasionally look at porn.

I think it would be unfair if the girl was against him looking at porn at all, but to be honest I understand that too. I personally don't think it should be considered a dealbreaaker, but most porn out there these days is pretty disgusting, degrading and shaping millions (billions?) of peoples views on how sex should be. There is however some really great porn out there.

You post is perpetuating some social construct that men watch porn, like it's innate...hahaha.

Women use dildos for fun yes, but acctually a woman's vagina can go into atrophy if she doesn't exercise her stretch capacity.

If the friend of OP hates porn so much, and it's a dealbreaker, then well - that's the answer isn't it?!

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

My ex got really good at knowing if I jerked off because my face would turn all red if I tried to deny it, the only thing to do was to hone my lying skills to such a degree that my poker face betrayed absolutely nothing. We'd be cuddling and she'd try to look directly in my eyes as if the "portals to the soul" metaphor was a real thing, and I got so good at staring at her with a smile on my face and she's like less than 5 inches from my face and just lying my balls off to her delight. Then we'd make sweet sweet love.

Then the relationship fell apart because my lying started extending to everything.

That was such a trippy experience looking back on it, but my lying skills have gotten rusty because I just stopped giving a fuck and started being real with girls after that point. Too much of my brain was geared towards covering my tracks that it detracted from the parts of the relationship that were actually great until the whole thin became a rotten mess.