I really, honestly do wonder whats wrong with me... I am broken, I know this.. my life is NOTHING without drugs.. it's that simple.. when I do ANYTHING, it's a struggle if I don't have *SOME* chemical to stimulate me... the thing is, my life has really ALWAYS been that way.. before I discovered drugs I would literally sleep 13 hours a day, and I would pass time by watching TV.. I failed through most of school, and finally got my shit together in the end - AFTER I FOUND DRUGS and was taking benzodiazepines and methamphetamines EVERY DAY at school..
In IRC some said "hahaha I saw your response, thats funny what you said about loving your virginity being 1/10th as good as a roll" - huh? Sorry, I am DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS... yeah, I get pleasure from all that I listed, except that pleasure isn't even on the same scale as the pleasure I get FROM DRUGS ..
To this date, there is NOTHING I can think of that even comes close to the first time I rolled - at a shitty rave, no lights, horrible sound, only a few hundred people... yet that chemical, for the first time, let me experience what other people experience when they hold their new born child, or when they find out the girl they like also likes them...
Lets say it's a nice, warm saturday afternoon - the first one of summer, you have the day off, and all your friends are having a bar-b-que ... the girl you have always had a crush on will be there - is that euphoria? No, not for me... for me it's digging through all my pill bottles, looking for something to take, because if I am sober, there is just no silver lining to that cloud...
Perhaps I am just really self destructive and WANT to kill myself... death would be one hell of a high..
I honeslty can't think of ANYTHING you could do, or ANY activity you could engage in, or ANY person you could be with that would bring you the joy that $20 worth of chemicals could...
All the non-drug things listed exist so they can be improved WITH DRUGS...
SEX with 'J.P.N.' (you know who you are *wink*) on a 100ug/hr fentanyl patch = EUPHORIA, hell, she is only the second girl to get multiple orgasams out of me... but if it came down to SEX or a 100ug/hr fentanyl patch... I gotta say I would go for the latter..
I might be in the minority with this one, and it's because I have some mental defect - or perhaps not? Perhaps my brain is SO advanced that lifes "simple pleasures" don't do anything for me?
Am I 'over stimulated' - I dunna, but if I died today I would feel that these last few years of drug use were definitly the most memorable...
------------------
"I am not one of those weak-spirited, sappy Americans who want to be liked by all the people around them. I don't care if people hate my guts; I assume most of them do. The important question is: 'What are they in a position to do about it?'" (William S. Burroughs)